My 1st Date Post-Divorce Sucked

[Yasuandio]

I already see where some mistakes occured. I met this guy on a dating site. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to a meet-up at a local bar/grill lasst Sunday at 3:30.

 

Well, during the week, I was having a lot of fun with the website, and continued, up late, talking to people, and goofing around while sipping my wine. Then a little pop-up comes up from bottom of screen from new date guy saying "what are you doing up so late?" So I wrote back, "I'm a night owl."

 

Boom -- mu phone rings, and it is him. Well, I was laughting and told him I was just having fun, the site was acting like a pin-ball machine, he could even here it in the backround (the little noises, when someone is looking at your page, or sending a flirt or question! Is is my first time doing any thing like this and I thought it was a riot!

 

Anyway, he took my attention away, but I was pretty high on my wine, and happy (to see there was so much interest in my profile, I was amazingly shocked!). We talked about his furnature re-finishing business - an art that I know quite a bit about - I gave him some really good tips that I learned from a master 20 years ago when I re-did my antiques. The date guy was shocked by the depth of my knowledge.

 

Anyway, he told me he had to meet me right away, and wanted to come to my house - I told him, no way, it is too late for company. He kept insisting, please, please, I just have to meet you. Then here is my mistake. He was disappointed, and I presented an alternative. I offered to visit his furnature refinishing studio, (that I had viewed on his website) on Saturday afternoon (the next day), and I would bring a bottle of wine. Well, that ws dumb, but of course, I was drunk when I came up with the idea.

 

He was to call and confirm next day, and I told him, I changed my mind, better to stay wti old plan. He would not take no for an answer, he said you promised, and he has everything all ready, blah, blah. It is just down the street. So I capitulated.

 

I arrive, and it looks noting like a furnature refinishing studio I envisioned from the website. No one answered the door, so I waled around, and yes, there were pile of unfinished furnature in an outdoor, crudely covered space - looked like a pile of junk. So I am like, I will dial this guy, and then I'm getting out of here, if he is not here.

 

Well, he came right out when I called. Very Very Charming, European. So I asked, where is the store? Come in, come in, it is here. So I step in, and there is a bunch of unfinished dusty crap piled to the ceiling. I don't see any of the 100's of lovely pieces that were one the website - none. So I ask him, I don't understand - there is no correlation with your website and this studio. So he explained this is where he lived, and legally he had to keep that furnature up to the ceiling so it would be written off as a business expess.

 

Well, clearly, he did not have those refinished furnature pieces he shows on website, at least at that locale. And the work area outside did not house the equipment required to achieve the craftmenship I observed in those before and after photos.

 

OK - So then I learn I'm actually at his house. I assess the situation, and feel I can handle it - he seems ok. So he opens the wine gives me many compliments. We talk and talk, I insist on continuing to stand in kitchen, leaning against counter.

 

I liked him very much and was very attracted to him - but we had just met. And in the kitchen he wanted to kiss me. I tuned my head to the side, signaling, I was not ready for that. Soon after, he apprached me, cupped my face and gave me the deep six French kiss - his touge was so big, and long I thought it was going to go down my esphogus. I told - please, that's enough!

 

Now, I have not been on a date in 30 years. And no sex in a long time. Didn't even think I could ever find someone again after my divorce. So I felt in an odd position. I really wanted to stay and get to know him - but I definently did not want to have sex, that I knew for sure.

 

Then I thought, ok, what is the harm of some kissing, big deal. So I let him really kiss me. Then he moves my hand to touch something that felt like a lead pipe. Another mistake. This time, I sratated gathering my stuff to leave. He wanted me to stay. Here is what I said:

I have no intentions of having sex with a man I have met for the first time. I am attracted to you aand enjoy the kissses - but that is it. It is unfair for a man to have to bear a huge erection in the company of a lovely woman. So therefore I am leaving.

 

He says, (as he adjust his erection upward), no, that I am wrong. That it feels wonderful to be excited as a 54 year old man. And let's just sit down and enjoy the wine. So, I try to ask questions, and he gives answers. The talking was going rather well, back and forth, then the next thing you know, he is trying to get me to lay back on the lounge to be more comfortable. Of course, he jumps on top me. I push off. I told, you have to get control. He did it again, and it was actually turning me on, as was his intentions. I got him off again, anf the third time he tried, I told, I WANT TO GO HOME NOW.

 

Before I could get out the door, he pinned me against the wall, in a softer way, and kissed me, perhaps apologetically - who knows.

 

You know, I take a lot of medication, that is part of my problem - there should have been no wine in me, when I was alone with him. It really took me awhile to figure out that he was not respecting my bounderies - because my senses were dulled. Yet, I loved the attention at the same time.

 

By the time I got home - I was pissed off. I blocked his phone number and his profile on the site. The nest night I wet a weird call (ignored) and text, "How r you a-bomb, dies Moet." So I returned discusion with "Deis Moet want to meet my .38?" He said something about being in my art class. (so he know about me being in art). Then I text him "he had better google .38 calaber before he gets his effing head blown off." Then came apologies.

 

You know, I think this was date guy texting me from another number. So I turned him back on line, and texted if he knew such a number. And he responded quickly, Oh Hi ! And of course, he didn't know number. I could not do much with the number because it is a Sprint carrier - but call came from same town his son lives in. I am not going to spen the money on the contact I have to find owner of number.

 

After a few days, I noticed he was looking at my profile, and I did make some changes to it - specifically regarding expected conduct on a date.

 

He sent me a not about the nice edits or some smart ass thing. I took that as a teaching opportunity - to explain to him what a gentleman is and is not - and I let him know specifically the discomfort he caused me.

 

He wrote back he did not understand but was sorry. I wrote back that apologizing for something you don't comprehend is meaningless and stupid. Well, he wrote back that he sincerely apologied, stating that was not his style. So I left it at that. A Neanderthal is a Neanderthal. And I was wrong too.

 

Please, tell me, how can I go on a nice date? And I really liked this guy. He seemed to really like me too. What the hell happened. He is really my type. Man, I would really love to have an effing experience with him - but not on a first date.

 

To have a relationship or friendship with a guy would so help me get past this wicked divorce. I just could feel that to my twinkle toes! And I am not looking for marriage at all - because I need my alimony.

 

How could I fix this? Or any advice you can give me. Other things I need to be educated on that I missed here. Anything anyone can offer this dating virgin. Yas (or, I am 56 - look 46)

Edited April 5, 2013 by Yasuandio

[FitChick]

Never go to a guy's house unless you plan to have sex.

[clia]

My advice to you is to never, ever go to a man's house (or invite him to your house) on a first (or second or third) date. Meet in a public place.

 

This is for two reasons:

 

First, safety. You are very lucky; you could have been raped or even killed. It's easy sometimes to forget when you are chatting with someone new online or texting with them that...they are a complete stranger. You know nothing about them. Good looking, charming men can have a screw loose, too.

 

Second, because as you found out, a lot of men find that to be an open invitation to stick their tongue down your throat or their lead pipe against your leg. "Hang out" dates such as this are bad news. They make men lazy. It is much more unlikely for ungentlemanly behavior like that to happen when you are at a restaurant or bar surrounded by other people. Being in a public place will also help you maintain your composure should you meet a man you are really attracted to.

 

You learned a good lesson. Glad you are safe.

[2sunny]

You need to stop the meds. And the wine.

 

You offered him a booty call.

 

I'd suggest many other ways to approach having a new man take you out on a REAL date!

 

That wasn't a date!

[Yasuandio]

My advice to you is to never, ever go to a man's house (or invite him to your house) on a first (or second or third) date. Meet in a public place.

 

This is for two reasons:

 

First, safety. You are very lucky; you could have been raped or even killed. It's easy sometimes to forget when you are chatting with someone new online or texting with them that...they are a complete stranger. You know nothing about them. Good looking, charming men can have a screw loose, too.

 

Second, because as you found out, a lot of men find that to be an open invitation to stick their tongue down your throat or their lead pipe against your leg. "Hang out" dates such as this are bad news. They make men lazy. It is much more unlikely for ungentlemanly behavior like that to happen when you are at a restaurant or bar surrounded by other people. Being in a public place will also help you maintain your composure should you meet a man you are really attracted to.

 

You learned a good lesson. Glad you are safe.

 

Thank you so much, Clia!

 

I cannot believe how niave I was. I feel so stupid. But I thank you for your kind dating advice to me - even though I do appear dumb. Before I got married, I guess my parents were around when I had a date, or I went out somewhere with the date - which was the original plan. And I had no idea this was his home. No excuse - I should have not let the original plan be changed - I knew that in my gut. You are so right about the "hang out" dimension - yeah, I was making intelligent conversation, and asking questions about his trade - but he wasn't exactly interested in asking me questions. There were so many topic in my profile - hell I have a few degrees in the arts, have traveled the world. I know his trade.

 

Excellent, nicely put advice. Again, thank you. Yas

[Yasuandio]

You need to stop the meds. And the wine.

 

You offered him a booty call.

 

I'd suggest many other ways to approach having a new man take you out on a REAL date!

 

That wasn't a date!

 

Yes, I got that now. Thank you Sunny. Yas

[Yasuandio]

Never go to a guy's house unless you plan to have sex.

 

Thank you FitChick! I did not know this. Oh, am so I behind the times. TY TY TY TY TY. I am so glad I posted. Yas

[edgygirl]

Both FitChick and Clia are absolutely right.

 

Don't feel bad, Yas. The thing is times have changed, and a LOT of men these days are really spoiled and not respectful or serious about wanting to find someone for a relationship. With online dating, they are expecting now to have free sex available on first dates. It's really bad out there. And honestly, outrageous.

 

I also learned this lesson the hard way. Both by letting someone into my house or going to someone's place on one of the first dates. You've seen it by yourself now and I am glad you're safe. Meet in public places only for several dates and learn about them before putting yourself in danger!

[Yasuandio]

Make a plan - in public - and stick to it. The first warning sign should have been him wanting to come over to your house right away. No decorum on his part.

 

I understand the initial highs of dating and getting attention after a marriage ends, but its fool's gold. Try to keep your guard up, keep some distance, and go slow. There are a lot of 'wounded-deer hunters' out there.

 

If you're feeling like you're ok with maybe just having a little fun and you need to get some things out of your system (or 'into your system', as it were), just try the time tested and proven winner of going to the bar, getting smashed, meeting a guy, etc.

 

Careful out there.

 

Thanks BB. I'm not into hanging out in bars by myself. But I know I will get my new girlfriends involved with this on-line dating thing - cause obviously, I did not do anything right. And am a novice in a new world order. Yas

[Yasuandio]

Both FitChick and Clia are absolutely right.

 

Don't feel bad, Yas. The thing is times have changed, and a LOT of men these days are really spoiled and not respectful or serious about wanting to find someone for a relationship. With online dating, they are expecting now to have free sex available on first dates. It's really bad out there. And honestly, outrageous.

 

I also learned this lesson the hard way. Both by letting someone into my house or going to someone's place on one of the first dates. You've seen it by yourself now and I am glad you're safe. Meet in public places only for several dates and learn about them before putting yourself in danger!

 

Thank you so much sweet heart. I really had no idea what I was doing. But I totally get it now. I have some new girlfriends that I am going to get involved with this situation. Obviously, I will have them oversee how I proceed from now on. Yes, the world has changed so much since I was a young girl dating. I never had any fear before in my life. I never was before such a thoughtless yet enticing character. Yuck. Thank you again. I am so happy that I posted. Yas

[Eternal Sunshine]

This sounds like POF....

[Locust]

I just posted this [ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/384275-do-you-think-online-dating-joke ] asking people what they think of online dating. Online dating is risky because you feel you know the person so well online but when you went them in person they have a total new side.

[Yasuandio]

This sounds like POF....

 

What is POF?

[Yasuandio]

You'll be fine. You must be a hot little commodity if you're getting a lot of attention right away on OLD, so you can be picky. Unfortunately, the best way to navigate post-marriage dating is with total skepticism and the BS radar dialed all the way up. Especially with OLD.

 

Have fun.

 

BB this site is called "Our Time" and it is for people 50 plus. Yes, response is overwhelming. But some people don't seem very smart. For instance, I asked this man, why he had not filed out his profile. And he out and out told me: because he was so shallow a gnat could drown in his throat, seriously. Or something like that. BB. What is OLD? Yas

[Yasuandio]

I just posted this [ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/384275-do-you-think-online-dating-joke ] asking people what they think of online dating. Online dating is risky because you feel you know the person so well online but when you went them in person they have a total new side.

 

Yes, you really do get that sense of knowing them, especially when you start speaking on the phone. Thank you for the link. I'm going over to read it now. Yas

[soccerrprp]

What is POF?

 

Plenty of Fish, an online dating site. Free with some pay features.

[Yasuandio]

OP: I would stay away from that guy. He sounds like he might have a weird sex dungeon underneath his "studio"

 

Yes, you must be right, Mr. Soul. Or, he is rabid, and sex starved. Some furnature refinishing gallery. BS. I knew more than him about refinishing furnature, he couldn't converse inteligently about veneer processes, and he had no idea how to replicate a patina, duh? Plastic wine glasses? Christ on a crutch. I guess I'm getting old, and my anntinni is worn out. Thank you so much for answering my post! Yas

[Locust]

What is POF?

 

 

POF (Plenty Of Fish), is a free dating website. I just signed up and I thought I had a cute girl hitting me up so I replied to her and only to find out she is looking for guys to invite for Saturday night 8:00 pm webcam show.

[Yasuandio]

Another things to remember is that dating has changed significantly since you were young.

 

You're my parents' age. I remember when I used to ask them for advice. My dad would always tell me to get the girl a flower. My mom would always tell me to be a respectful gentleman and take a girl out to a dinner and movies.

 

This is 2013. It's the hookup culture. What you and my parents knew to be true does not exist anymore (or if it does, it is rare).

 

That's definitely something to keep in mind when dating.

 

Holy crap! What about desease? Aids? Herpes? Genital warts, crap that doesn't go away? I would never trust a condom this dangers. Does anyone think about that?

 

Thank you so much for the head's up young man!

 

Dude. This is really terrible. I mean are you expected to "go all the way" when you go out to dinner on a first date?

[Yasuandio]

POF (Plenty Of Fish), is a free dating website. I just signed up and I thought I had a cute girl hitting me up so I replied to her and only to find out she is looking for guys to invite for Saturday night 8:00 pm webcam show.

 

Oh, Dear. I'm not going to inquire about the subject of webcam.

[Locust]

It's not always a hookup. I'm a traditional guy and not into hook ups right away.

[Yasuandio]

It's not always a hookup. I'm a traditional guy and not into hook ups right away.

 

 

That is good to know. But what are the percentages you think?

[Locust]

That is good to know. But what are the percentages you think?

 

 

For my age (26) might be kind of small.