A journal of sorts

[SendHope]

I'm going to use this mainly for venting. I've been having an emotionally rough days lately. I would vent to my friends but it's been two months and I don't want to be a downer around them.

 

---

 

Today was one of those days where we worked together. Mostly, she would just be unusually quiet in the past (I gather because of me) but today her demeanor has changed. It's like she hasn't missed a beat.

 

It got under my skin a bit. It annoyed me that it did. I thought it out and try to set my mind straight. I shouldn't care about what goes on with her. I got off work and was feeling better as soon as I went out the door.

 

I no longer feel anxious or nervous when in the same place as her. There was some slight flutter in my insides but I can barely feel it. Some words were exchanged but it was purely work related.

 

It feels so emotionally draining. Gonna do some push ups and sit-ups to get my mind of stuff.

 

I noticed that it's hard sometimes to focus on their flaws to keep your head on straight. I know that I have more upsides than her and her future is limited (she dropped out of school twice) but the random things get me down sometimes

[SendHope]

Today was pretty great.

 

Saw her at work today but it's only for a few mins. I was just joking around and laughing with my bosses when she came in.

 

I wouldn't say it was pure indifference but it resembled it when I'm around her.

 

She still pops up in my mind every now and then but I'm fine with it. I accept it and I don't find anything wrong with it as long as I continue forward.

 

Now at home. Time for some Darksouls to wind down the day!

[SendHope]

Today was meh.

 

I am missing her or the relationship. Fkkk.

 

It's funny that I was capable and content of just being on my own and after being with her, it's like I forgot how to be like that.

 

Well time to keep busy.

[SendHope]

Last few days have been great!

 

That last ounce of hope is spilling out of my system now. Made me sad at first but I felt liberating.

 

I fantasize about her coming back and me firmly saying 'No'. She was nice but not for me.

[SendHope]

Today has crap.

 

I saw her today at work and I was tempted to say "I miss you. Can't we just have a fresh start?" etc. etc. but I didn't.

 

I hate it that I had that urge. She doesn't deserve someone like me.

 

I feel like I'm fighting some grand Cold War against myself. It's so draining. I know I'm making progress but on the down days, it's hard to remember that.

 

Right now, I'm looking back at the relationships and there's so many points in time where I should have been the one to pull the trigger on the relationship. Now I can't help but feel I'm going through all this pain because I stayed and wanted to work through things with her.

 

I know it's not wise to re-enter her life but it depresses me that I can't have her in my life.

 

Feeling really down today.

[SendHope]

Haven't wrote anything.

 

I think I've come to an acceptance over the whole break up. I'm pretty much over it. Sure I know I'm gonna think about her once in a while but I'm okay.

 

She was a special person in my life. But that's in the past. I feel lighter emotionally now. Days no longer feel like I'm consciously spending energy just to cope. I'm coasting through the days now.

 

I think it's quite a progress especially since I have to see her every so often because of work.

 

Thank you this site. It helped me lots.