Hope737 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Ok guys, so this is tough for me to type this so god knows how I'd feel to actually talk to someone about it. I'm in a really dark and depressing state of mind at the minute. I split up with my first and only love a few months back. The pain is immense and is on my mind pretty much every minute of every day. No rest from it. Now I've NEVER felt this low before that I now no longer care if I live or die. I'm not going to end my life on purpose as that would devastate my friends and family. I'm not actively looking at ways to kill myself either. But I'm at the stage now where I find myself thinking how much more peaceful I'd be if my life were to end. I've been drinking very heavily as that's my only escape and i've seriously been neglecting my health, very irresponsible of me I know but I really just don't care. The only positive step I've taken is going to see a counsellor and yes I'll admit, when I see her I do feel a lot better...for about half an hour. Then I return back to my depressed state of mind. I've not told her yet though about these feelings as they've come on very suddenly. I have no positive feelings anymore, I've got a very passive attitude and form no opinions on things. I just simply don't care about anything. I really should be a happy man. I've got my dream career, have a loving family and yet here I am wishing I would cease to exist. My life feels meaningless with out my love by my side. On the outside I'm still the same happy, kind and generous person but on the inside I'm dying. I'm a shell of what I used to be. I no longer enjoy life and I'm only 23. There is ONE thing that keeps me going and that's my job. I absolutely love going to work and I'm very lucky to be able to say that. However, my ex works there as well, luckily we only work together about twice a month but I often pass her. I wish I could just get over her and move on. I don't know what sort of advice you can give but has anyone felt similar to me? Where you simply don't care if you live or die? I know it sounds selfish as you're just given one life and you should cherish it, but I just really couldn't care less anymore. Thanks for reading anyways it helps me a bit to get these feeling out in the open.
L.D.N. Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 What do you do outside of work? Do you have hobbies/spend time with family or friends? I'm currently getting over my ex and it's been really difficult too. I spent a lot of time with him and I lived with him and although I too have my dream career, it's not enough. Instead I've been filling the hole he left in my life with better things. I've been making new friends and exploring new interests. Make yourself busy enough that you don't get a chance to think about her. Meet new people and try new hobbies.
Author Hope737 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Outside of work I'm very inactive, which is of course my own doing. I literally have zero motivation to do things. I can see how meeting new people and doing new things would help but I always think "well there's no point without my ex in my life". It's as if I've placed all my happiness in her hands which I know is wrong. I need to snap out of this mood but I just don't know how. I need one big wake up call.
L.D.N. Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Outside of work I'm very inactive, which is of course my own doing. I literally have zero motivation to do things. I can see how meeting new people and doing new things would help but I always think "well there's no point without my ex in my life". It's as if I've placed all my happiness in her hands which I know is wrong. I need to snap out of this mood but I just don't know how. I need one big wake up call. I had zero motivation to do anything when my ex broke up with me. As bad as it sounds, I didn't even want to go for a shower or make myself something to eat. I just wanted to sit there and stew in the pain and relive the moment he told me it was over and re-run the relationship over and over in my head. But, I found it in myself to join an online website where people from your city meet up. There are city walks, or just casual meet ups between groups of people. I wasn't really looking forward to it because I was just so hung up on my ex, but I forced myself to go and I found when I did I wasn't thinking of him as much or checking my phone every 5 minutes to see whether he has text me. When I'm not doing something is when thoughts of him start to creep up on me and make me miserable. I know it sounds cliche but you should take the time and do something for you. Is there anything you were ever passionate about that perhaps you didn't get time to do because you spent your free time with her? Now is the time to do it. You should invest your time and effort into yourself at this moment, not wasting your thoughts on her.
Stevan Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 This article gave me a broader vision and will certainly help you. The Night I Gave Up On Life I don’t quite know why I am sharing this extremely personal story with you now, except that there is a little voice pushing me to let it out, and I am acting on that. This story might be upsetting for some and it might make others feel angry and for that I apologise. I want to tell you about the night I gave up on life. It was back in 1990, my life looked as if it was going well, I had a lot of friends, I had a decent job, I had travelled a bit, I had good looks, I had money in my pocket, the works. The thing is I wasn’t all that happy and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I was unhappy inside. I used to fantasize about ending my life, it was actually a real comfort to know that I had the choice of living or dying. I used to plan how I was going to end my life so as it would look like an accident to lessen the pain on my family, my favourite fantasy was jumping off a tall building. One night, I was working in a bar and I was walking the 2 mile walk home late at about 1am. The rain could be heard thundering down onto the pavements. I was walking slowly in the rain as I liked the feel of rain against my skin. I noticed in the distance a dog, and it was limping quite heavily. When the dog got closer, I noticed the dog had only 3 legs as it ran past me. For no reason, I started crying uncontrollably as I felt so sorry for this dog. I couldn’t get the dog out of my mind the next day, and wondered why I was so upset by it. I realised I felt like the dog: alone, soaked, not fully functional and nowhere to go. A few nights later I decided that the jacket of life no longer fitted me and I was taking the jacket off for good. I said goodnight to my mum and dad, I called my sisters earlier on to tell them I loved them. I took 26 strong sleeping tablets up to my bedroom after telling my dad not to wake me up in the morning for work as I had a days holiday. I sat in bed with the tablets, a glass of milk and cried as I took each tablet. I cried for my mum, and at how heartbroken she would be, I cried for my dad as I had only told him I loved him once in my life. I cried for my sisters as I would miss them terribly and knew they would miss me. I took all 26 tablets and put my head on my pillow to die. I am crying as I write this just now. I can’t quite remember when I woke up, I was in hospital and two of my friends were there with my mum and dad and sisters. I had been unconscious, I honestly don’t know how long as I have never spoken of this to my family since. The morning after I had taken the tablets my dad was up for work as normal. He didn’t wake me up as I had told him not to, however he heard a bang when he got up at around 5am. Apparently I had fallen out of bed. That fall , and my dad hearing it, saved my life, I believe. When I woke up in the hospital there was a lot of crying, a lot of questions and a lot of explaining. The hospital psychiatrist came round and asked if I needed help. I told her I knew why I had done it and I was going to rectify the issues in my life. I felt ashamed, guilty, upset and angry at myself at having to put my family through something as awful as this just because I didn’t have the balls to sort out some of my problems. I didn’t feel I fitted into life, with the friends I had, the job, just everything. What did I do? I started over. I dropped my friends as I realised they were drinking buddies and not friends, I changed my job, I upgraded my skills, I got my finances sorted out and moved to another city. I have never looked back since and I have been on a quest ever since to find myself and share the knowledge I have with others. Lessons From That Night Nothing and I mean nothing is so bad that you have to take your own life. There are always options and if the worst comes to the worst, drop everything and start again. If you are in this situation just now, please believe me when I say it will get better and there are people who can help. I’ve learned to tell others how much I love them and how much I appreciate them. I’ve learned to look for the signs that others might need help. I mentioned earlier the jacket did not fit, what I realised when I awoke in the hospital was that the jacket can be altered to fit me and I didn’t have to fit the jacket. I have learned so much more over the years since that night and my long standing depression was lifted in one decision – I will change my life to suit me.
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