Noma Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I would like to use this mostly as a journal. I would appreciate feedback, but plan to keep this thread up as long as Ineed to. Here is a little background on our relationship. We met when him and his dad bought a restaurant that I had been a PT server yet, while managing at another restaurant about half hour away. He instantly like me, and respected my thoughts about restaurants, and wanted to hire me as a manager at his restaurant. This was a though decision to leave, and I thought fe might have feelings at this time, and that scared me too, didn't want to be "dating my boss." I took the job, he chased me for a while, we started out by being FWB, and then I fell in love with him. About 5 months after meeting, we were official. We didn't tel the staff, everyone had questions, but we didn't make an announcement or anything. Took a little time for the staff to accept things, for people to get over that I didn't gt my job for sleeping with the boss. We have been through a lot.it is a small knit community, and the regulars at the bar all grew to love us. And love us being together. I started to feel like I wasn't being appreciated, and deserved a raise. I also know the financials of the restaurant, and it would be hard to afford much of one for me. Over time I started to resent him for it asking him to marry me, due to the fact that I had out so much work in the restaurant... (Wrong reason. I Know). I love this man. His Dad has talked to me about his commitment issues, and has had 2 divorces himself, which he thinks contributed to my Ed's commitment issues. I have had only one meager raise in the 4 years the restaurant was open. And I know some think thati really needed to push that issue, but I was scared to. I think because I didn't want him to feel that I was trying ton take something away from him, he makes even less than I do. About 8 months ago, he started taking medication, he has always had trouble sleeping and wanted a sleeping pill, also I had mentioned that he needed an antidepressant or anti anxiety pill of some kind. He agreed to go to the dr. He started the medication, and I thought we were on our road of a future together. We discussed this and he had said, yes I do see a future, but i also feel different on this medication, I don't want to "have" to be on it. I want to see how this affects me. To which I replied, "so I'm just along for the ride?" Probably not a good idea in hindsight, but I was very hurt. I wish I would have realized that he needed to do this for himself. Also... I had changed my Birth Control about the same time. I didn't realize right away, completely took away my sex drive . This caused many problems between us, him feeling unattractive and unloved. And when we were intimate, he would think it was only because of what "he" wanted. I felt so bad, I wanted our relationship to ge better, and I wanted to WANT to have sex, I just really didn't want sex at all. I finally figured this out, and changed my BC again the same week we broke up. All of this has been wearing on me. Me needing to know my place in the restaurant, if I'm not getting a raise, I need to know my place... I put a LOT of my life in this restaurant and I love what I do here. 90% of the time it really doesn't feel like work. We went on vaca the end of January. Had a great time. You could tell there was some tension, but that all melted away after the first few days. Wen we got back, he was only home for about 13 days, and left for another family vaca, that I couldn't go on because we "both" couldn't be gone again. I had been making him feel guilty about going without me. Really being immature I know. I work heard too, and didn't know why he deserved to go and I didn't. That's not what it really was about, but I couldn't control how I felt at the time, and I lashed out at him. All of this has created more anxiety for me. I finally laid it all out for him the night before he was leaving for vacation. I told him that I neede to know if we had a future, and if he ever wanted kids. That I couldn't be in a dead end relationship forever. (He had told me before that he didn't want to be in a sexless relationship). I told him to think about things while he was gone. While he was gone, I really thought about breaking up with him. I thought that might be best. While he was gone I missed him so much. I started to realize that when he was begging for attention because of the lack of sex, that was him "trying". Trying to get us back. And I didn't see it, and pushed him away further. It hit me one night on my way home, that I don't really want kids right now, so why am I pushing him so hard for something I'm not sure I want. I had been raised th believe that I should as a woman have kids. But I don't want them right now, and could live a full life without children. And honestly, if I were to gt a decent raise, I would feel better about myself. I know I deserve one, and so does he. If I were to get a raise, I know that I would be supporting myself, and my future, in ase anything ever happened e tween us. Realistically, we weren't married, and I shouldn't have thought that asking for a raise would put space between us. Well, when he got back, about 2 days after, he broke up with me. Said he didn't think he wanted to have kids, and might not ever want to get married. I told him that I had thought of breaking tings off too, but thought about things while he was gone. Told him what I had realized about having kids. Not sure if he didn't believe me, or at that point didn't care. He moved into our spare bedroom and within 2 weeks I moved out. We broke up feb. 26. Hardest thing I have been through in my life. I will get to how things have progressed since then. But I need a break, and if anyone reads this, I'm sure they do too.
Author Noma Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I am 30 and he is 33. Within the first week of breaking up and tried to rationally talk to him about things. Told him I wanted to maybe just take a break and I could go somewhere else for a few weeks while we thought things over. He didn't want to do that, said it would hurt all over again. Every day I wake up thinking maybe my feelings for him will change. And they haven't. I just love this man. I love what we do together. The restaurant has grown in sales every year since we started managing it. Hard to do in this down economy. We work together very well. And I do realize that that isn't everything. It was a hard decision for me to stay. I did think about leaving, but I really love what I do here. I had hoped that by leaving maybe he would miss me and ask me back... But that is not really what I want. He did ask me to continue working because he does enjoy working with me, and he trusts me to run things while he is gone, which is very hard to find. We have the same work ethic. In the end I did tell him that it was probably best that we split. In my mind I believe he was being the stronger person, he kept saying that it is what is best for me. He doesn't want kids, and might never marry, and that wasn't fair to me. He kept saying that we could be friends, but no kissing, and no sex. The night before I moved we had sex, and twice the morning before I left. I guess the new BC kicked in. I wanted him more than I can remember I over a year! Each time he became more passionate. Over the next few weeks we slept together a few times. He started to kiss me, and really wanted to be there for me... He has called to tell me about his day, reached out to me a lot telling me about his dr. Apps, and how he is trying to get off the medication. For the first time now he has opened his eyes to his anger issues, now seeing things differently that he is off the meds. He wanted to quit taking them due to other side effects. His "stuff" wasn't working properly. He continued to take the sleeping pills till this last week when he said he noticed his desire was gone... Sometimes you can't see things when you are in the middle of it. I hope that is the case here and he can see that he is in love with me. He had said that he loved me, but wasn't in love... He has started flirting with me again over the last few weeks, "stealing" my coffee at work and joking about it with a cook friend of his. "Hiding" from me when he knows I need to talk to him about work. Then laughing... Haha you found me. Just being cute Ike he used to. If I talk to others at the bar when he is having a drink after work he warms up instantly when I include him in the conversations. He invited me over after work cause he had made dinner and wanted to share, then sent me home with some, and insisted I take the "extra" loaf of French bread with me. He is always updating me on what he is doing, where he is going. I have been confused by these actions, why the updates. When I get a text in the office he always asks if I am "setting" and what's up... I have been going to the gym, and trying to get out with friends more. The last 2 weeks really started to feel the "panic" less and less. I dropped off some things for the cats the other day, he kept 2 I have 1. And he asked if I wanted to go shoe shopping with him, I went. He got running shoes, he is trying to exercise to help with sleeping at night and his anger issues hopefully. He has asked me to bring over my cat for a (play date). I did and we had fun. Made lunch. He has been complimenting me in front of other people more. And yesterday he needed to make a phone call, and his chair "fell" on me, he was like oops! Sorry! Being cute. Seriously! I feel like he still has feelings. I want to talk to him about being friends again and taking things slow. I don't want to talk about what went wrong yet, that will happen if/when the time is right. But I feel like he needs space. I have opened my eyes to what I have been doing wrong. I need to give up control. I didn't see it in the beginning of the relationship, and I need to break the habit. I wish I would have opened my eyes before, because over the last few months we were together, I can see that he was trying. But in the moment, he was frustrating and irritating to me.
jjjman Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I does sounds like he still have some feeling for you. I would said, give yourselves and him some more time to see how things go. Good luck to you! and I hope you guys can work things out. I think sometimes people gave up on love too easily.
Author Noma Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Well other people have said that it seems that he still has feelings for me too. I get panicked sometimes. But less and less. Last night we catered an event, I met him up later and helped out a little. He was more distant than usual. His mom had come to help too, I wonder if that was why. I called him as he was leaving and asked why he blew me off. He said he didn't want to give me mixed signals. I told him I would like to talk, he had been open to it before, but the timing was off. He got stressed immediately and said not tonight but tomorrow we could. Truth be told it had only been roughly 6 weeks since we split. In my time that means 6 months. By to him it probably only feels like 2 weeks. And truth be told, I should wait for an opportunity to talk to him about things. Asking him for "a talk" puts pressure on him. Especially with him getting off his meds. I had to call him this morning, work related, and he answered my question, then was short with me. Called again about another question, short again. Bout 2 hours later he called with a work question for me, then chatted about his day with me for a while... Just like he has in the past few weeks... Very strange. I told him I would like to be friends. I don't feel like he is giving me mixed signals, and I'm an adult, I can take care of myself. He said yeah, he would like to be friends too... He was the one who initially wanted to be. When he got to work it was like normal. Him being nice and talking to me about our cats etc. I don't know if he suddenly felt we were getting too close? Or if his mom said something to him? Not sure. I do need to stop contacting him and let him come to me. It's about 50/50 right now back and forth. In my mind he may still have feelings and that scared him. But who really knows. Just this morning one of the "older" employees was telling me how he thinks he still has feelings, and sees him flirting with me. More than he has ever seen- like you would in the beginning of a relationship. Just my thoughts for the day.
Author Noma Posted April 8, 2013 Author Posted April 8, 2013 This is hard. I'm trying to do what is best for me. Some days are better than others. Last night he texted me about having fun playing with the cats. I was sleeping and didn't respond. Today I messages him, but no response! Then I called (I know I shouldn't have) but he answered right away?!? We talked for a bit, he was telling me about his night etc. I have to stop contacting and let him come to me. I need to be strong. He needs to feel the weight of his decisions and miss me.
Author Noma Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 He asked me to bring over the cat to play with the other ones for the day. I did. I stopped over with her before I went to the gym. He said "no sex" it's not a good idea. I asked if he was sure... Haha, joked it off. We chatted for a while, talked about work etc, how he is doing off his meds etc, he was doing stuff on the computer, I made coffee. When he got up it was obvious he was interested... I laughed it off again and said don't worry, I'm interested too, it's just not as obvious. I played with the cats for a while and ignored the elephant in the room. When I left for the gym I told him to have fun on the treadmill (he has started running again, but can't outside due to poor weather). He flirted and asked if I wanted him, said he wasn't ready for the treadmill yet... I said yeah, but that we shouldn't have sex. He said yeah your right, then came on to me again. So I left... That was hard, but necessary, I really don't think he expected me to leave. He called later, and I ignored it. I'm trying to build my confidence in myself back. I do want him, but not just for sex. I really love this man. But he broke up with me. I'm confused.
Author Noma Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I think you're going in the right way. Thank you! One day at a time.
Author Noma Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 So... I left my cat over night. He had to go pick up restaurant stuff and due to the weather, left last night. Now on his way back this am, he says I can bring over our other cat too, and hang out at the house for a few hours with them?? Seriously. Is this weird? I won't bring over the other cat, it would be too stressful on him. He doesn't like change. Bt how weird that he wants me to come hang out for a while, and with the cats? Is he using them as an excuse? I really don't understand his intentions! If we are split, and so are the cats, why keep bringing them over for visits? Don't they have to get used to the idea too?
Author Noma Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I did not bring over the other cat today, don't think the stress would have been good for him. But I went over to pick up the first cat. He asked about lunch and I picked up Chinese for us. Made coffee and we met up at the house about the same time. We ended up watching one of "our" shows together, we used to wait for each other to watch them... Which was nice, the past few times I was over he would put on one of "his" shows. I guess he hasn't watched any of our shows without me by the looks of the DVR. We talked a little about work, spent time talking and playing with the cats, didn't talk about us at all. Just casual. We joked and made each other laugh. There were some periods of silence that used to be filled with our plans together, a little awkward, but quickly recovered. I can't really expect everything to be normal. It hurt at first, but I took a step back and realized that this is new. It's OK! He did get a little "vulnerable" with me, you know what I mean- that side of a person they only show to their significant other. When he did this outright I couldn't help myself, I got up from my chair grabbed his hand and kissed his forehead. something we used to do quite a lot. Didn't say anything, just was overwhelmed with the need. He didn't say anything either. Just smiled, then the moment was over and we talked about something else. One day at a time, and let him come to me.
swiftly333 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Be careful, girl. Sounds like you're playing with fire! I think he wanted you to bring the cat over so YOU could play with HIS ball of yarn....(Ha!) I know there's an attraction but sex can screw people and things up, BIG TIME. Stay strong! I think he may still be unsure based on what youve said... but what do I know?
Author Noma Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) Could be, but he didn't initiate. And neither did I. After the "almost" last time I walked away... While he started without me... right in front of me! Right after he told me we shouldn't, and it's not a good idea. But it is a good feeling knowing the attraction is still there. But yeah the sex had to stop, no matter who wants it! Need to find out if he has other feelings. Edited April 12, 2013 by Noma
Author Noma Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) So, yesterday I was at the gym. When I got done I saw that I had 2 missed calls from my ex, less than 5 minutes apart. After being over there the other day, we didn't talk on Thursday. When I called him back he sounded in a great mood, but said he had to cal me back, he chatted for a min, but "couldn't remember" why he had called?? So, he calls back and is strictly business, only talking about work, says he thinks we will be busy, and not to be late, I'm never late, also that he has set up 2 interviews for me to do at 4. Well. I get there at 3 pm, so why call?? And twice within 3 minutes?? When I got there I "got to work" he asked me to do something in the middle of me opening the restaurant, I couldn't find what he had asked, and continued opening duties, took about 5 min longer. He got "mad" at me, he was like what, you couldn't find it so you weren't going to ask and ignore me? I told him no, I just wanted to finish opening so we were ready, and then ask you. He got irritated said, "you don't have to tell me what you're doing, I don't need an explanation???" WTH?? Sounds to me like he was reeling after I didn't answer the phone earlier... I really don't get it?? It almost sounded like he was panicking like me, the dumpee... Calling twice in less than 5 min? I never told him I was at the gym, I'm trying to keep some mystery. Then getting mad for no reason? Just weird. He has errands to run in the AM. I messaged him when I got done that If he needed help with directions I would be able to help, because I am skipping the gym, and will have my phone on me. Sorta telling him, without telling him. Edited April 13, 2013 by Noma
ThorntonMelon Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Lots of restaurants need managers, I suspect your life would immediately become better if you joined one of them. 2
Author Noma Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 ThorntonMelon. To do that I would also have to leave all my friends, and the area. Ii don't live in a Metropolis area where there are many places to choose from. I know I'm strong enough to start over. At this point I don't want to. It may not sound like it sometimes from my posts, which are mostly the highs and lows of my days. But I'm in a pretty good accepting place right now. I want to be with him. But right now we just work together. Sometimes, like yesterday I just need to get it out. Which is what a LOT of what people do here I think. I appreciate constructive thoughts. And positive thoughts. Your thoughts were neither.
swiftly333 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I think thorntonmelon is on to something.... I think this comment is constructive. It sounds like working together makes it hard and emotional for both of you. But you are free to make your own decisions, I just think maybe you should give Thornton's suggestion a thought. I might actually help you guys be together if you didnt have the stress of working together.
Author Noma Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 I have definitely thought of leaving the restaurant in hopes to have a cleaner break, and help us get back together. But as I have said, there isn't a lot of opportunity in the area. It would mean relocating, and moving away from everything else I know as well. Also, I love my job and the regulars. On sat night we went to the local 24hr place after a very busy night, at about 1:30am. Him and I and 2 other employees. He was the last to arrive, and put his stuff right down by me to sit next to me, everyone was staring... There was an open menu next to the other male that was there... So after about 15 sec, he moved down to the tier side, and joked things off. Ten the rest of the night whenever he talked he really wouldn't "include" everyone, but instead looked at me the entire time. In tried to distract and talk to the other female employee there. Could just beforce of habit, but when you break up with someone and don't want to be with them- don't you try to break relationship habits as well?
Author Noma Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 He slept with someone else last night. It hurt. A LOT. I was at his house right after she left. Ad he told me about it. (I had to pick something up). I didn't react, but "he" cried. And said to stop pretending i wasnt hurt. i told him we arent together and he is free to do what he wants. We talked a little about it, then changed the subject. When I left I said, "you can't tell me you don't still have feelings for me" he said "I'm NOT answering that". And I left. I still want to be with him. I guess time will tell. I'm going to move on more. Take more control of my own life. Still LC- we do still work together. We worked together tonight. At the end of the night I told him that it did hurt, a lot. And that I still love him. I told him I have learned a lot in the last 2 months and I would like to share it with him, and that there are things we never talked about that we should have. I then told him- it doesn't matter -if you don't want to hear it, I won't share with you what I want to say. He said he doesn't know what he wants. And is confused. He said he would like to talk at some point. Then I approached him again about 10 min later and told him that I don't expect him to talk to me if he doesn't want to. (I didn't want to "wait" for a talk if he didn't really want to) He said he does, just not tonight, he is exhausted. and I am too. A lot of fresh emotions from this morning. I don't expect advice. Just a journal. Who knows... If we ever get back together maybe this will be a great story. I still want to get together and take things slow. But at this point I am not expecting it anymore.
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