icDude Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 So I have been off of this board for a while now. I just wanted to update this forum and give some thoughts to those of you who show up here in crisis. The title of my previous thread was; My wife is having an affair because she is mentally stuck at 16 It has been 8 months since I last wrote. (My wife told me she didn't like me writing here when she found out about it and I agreed to stop) I am not going to rehash everything, if you are interested, the long sob story is documented in the above thread. However, long story short, my wife had an affair with an ex-boyfriend which got very emotional. She said she loved him and not me. In retrospect it was a classic story of romantic love where your current relationship has dulled; it was just new to me. My emotions, stronger then I have ever felt before, caused me to act out in angry ways as well and focus on this forum as an outlet. This forum, a counselor or two, and books I read on the subject allowed me to move through those emotions. But here is the point. In September she ended all contact with the OM at my request. And I've tried very hard to forgive her and trust her again. We are still together after all that time. And I am here to say to those of you wandering through the poisons of love and loss that you can end up on the other side with the one you love. She has since started to tell me she loves me on a regular basis, intimacy is constantly improving, we are working toward our future together once again, and things are better than okay. The pain and fear of recurrence still creeps in from time to time, but I am back to my old self (hence, my lack of interest in pursuing love shack forum sites). My wife for her part has recently acknowledged that she has been a 'crap wife' to me, which suggests as others have asked in these threads, that sometimes they do admit that they were wrong. Good luck and be strong. That is how you get through it. Most affairs end within six months of their start and that is how it went in my situation as well. But you have to trust your spouse as well and know their character. I trust that I know my wife's character (better than I knew it before) and we can move forward from here.
Darren Steez Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 So I have been off of this board for a while now. I just wanted to update this forum and give some thoughts to those of you who show up here in crisis. The title of my previous thread was; My wife is having an affair because she is mentally stuck at 16 It has been 8 months since I last wrote. (My wife told me she didn't like me writing here when she found out about it and I agreed to stop) I am not going to rehash everything, if you are interested, the long sob story is documented in the above thread. However, long story short, my wife had an affair with an ex-boyfriend which got very emotional. She said she loved him and not me. In retrospect it was a classic story of romantic love where your current relationship has dulled; it was just new to me. My emotions, stronger then I have ever felt before, caused me to act out in angry ways as well and focus on this forum as an outlet. This forum, a counselor or two, and books I read on the subject allowed me to move through those emotions. But here is the point. In September she ended all contact with the OM at my request. And I've tried very hard to forgive her and trust her again. We are still together after all that time. And I am here to say to those of you wandering through the poisons of love and loss that you can end up on the other side with the one you love. She has since started to tell me she loves me on a regular basis, intimacy is constantly improving, we are working toward our future together once again, and things are better than okay. The pain and fear of recurrence still creeps in from time to time, but I am back to my old self (hence, my lack of interest in pursuing love shack forum sites). My wife for her part has recently acknowledged that she has been a 'crap wife' to me, which suggests as others have asked in these threads, that sometimes they do admit that they were wrong. Good luck and be strong. That is how you get through it. Most affairs end within six months of their start and that is how it went in my situation as well. But you have to trust your spouse as well and know their character. I trust that I know my wife's character (better than I knew it before) and we can move forward from here. Good luck to you on your reconciliation, congratulations. But the bolded part is just a generalization, some affairs last for years, people married for 20 years where the spouse thought they knew their partners "character" only to find out they were mistaken.
jlola Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Perhaps there is a difference in those who's character allows them to see reality and get out of the affair or marriage quickly. And those who stay and live two separate lives for years in an affair. I can not imagine how someone can live day in and day out for years,pretending in two worlds.
drifter777 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 ... But you have to trust your spouse as well and know their character. I trust that I know my wife's character (better than I knew it before) and we can move forward from here. I'm glad that you have been able to make such great progress in only a few months. That is very, very unusual but I'll choose to believe you because - well - why not? Most of what you posted is pretty typical drivel that comes out of people desperate to put the whole sordid mess behind them and hope that time will heal this wound. However, this thing on trust that you posted is such ridiculas bul!sh%t I just couldn't let it go. No BS should blindly trust their cheating spouse as some kind of condition for reconciliation in the early phases. A cheater can earn back the trust of the BS through lots of sincere hard work and a strong determination to right their wrong, but it isn't some kind of gift that is granted on the WS before you can "move forward". 5
Decorative Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I'm glad that you have been able to make such great progress in only a few months. That is very, very unusual but I'll choose to believe you because - well - why not? Most of what you posted is pretty typical drivel that comes out of people desperate to put the whole sordid mess behind them and hope that time will heal this wound. However, this thing on trust that you posted is such ridiculas bul!sh%t I just couldn't let it go. No BS should blindly trust their cheating spouse as some kind of condition for reconciliation in the early phases. A cheater can earn back the trust of the BS through lots of sincere hard work and a strong determination to right their wrong, but it isn't some kind of gift that is granted on the WS before you can "move forward". Absolutely !!! Trust should be earned. Always. Many people learn this the hard way. Granting trust without extraordinary effort from your wayward wife? gigantic mistake. Huge.
Artie Lang Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) sounds to me like your wife wants you to rugsweep her affair. not only that, she wants to dictate how you cope with it, hence her negative attitude toward you posting here. did you ever expose her? did you ever notify this OM's wife? she has a right to know. how can you be sure this is truly over? if you really believe you can trust her again the same as before, you're fooling yourself. Edited April 5, 2013 by Artie Lang 3
Holyoak Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 (My wife told me she didn't like me writing here when she found out about it and I agreed to stop) That caught me too... If it helped you, was anonymous, why did she want this???
aburd123 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I have this issue taking place in my family right now. One has stepped out of the marriage and has been cheating for twelve years. the other has just found out about it and there is a mess as to who to choose at this moment. It is easier to forgive than it is to trust her again. She is going to have to work to gain your trust again and if you want to continue to stay with her then I suggest that maybe the two of you sit down and discuss what it is that she would need to do in order to gain that trust again. Give her a time constraint as well so that you are aware of whether or not she is making progress towards that and you can clearly see if she wants to regain your trust. and go from there...if it seems that she does, continue giving her reasons to regain your trust...if you feel that she doesn't then perhaps it's time the two of you took some time apart. Good luck
Jonah Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 Good show. Way to man up. Be good to your wife always... -Jonah
Darth Vader Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 That caught me too... If it helped you, was anonymous, why did she want this??? She may be a poster here at LS, and she wouldn't want him to read these forums and find out who she is! She's probably waiting for things to cool off to resume her A with her OM! Who the Hell is she to dictate what you can and cannot do?! She's rugsweeping! 1
Holyoak Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 She may be a poster here at LS, and she wouldn't want him to read these forums and find out who she is! She's probably waiting for things to cool off to resume her A with her OM! Who the Hell is she to dictate what you can and cannot do?! She's rugsweeping! My thoughts as well, especially the rugsweeping... After going through what I and many others have, there is absolutely NOTHING that could seem too crazy or implausible with regard to cheaters, NOTHING!
dichotomy Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 (edited) You trust ...... that your WS is a deeply flawed human being, with a particular weakness or addiction that allowed them to cheat easily (assuming there was not some extraordinary reason like physical abuse or something). Beyond knowing this weakness/flaw this about your spouse, you need to decide who they are, and if you can love and live with it. This is probably an extreme analogy, and not really the same - but it helps illustrate my view on cheaters a bit better - I believe in some cases, if you decide to stay in the marriage you treat it (affair, or WS) as though they/it were an alcoholic or drug user. In fact it is a good signal is for the cheater to admit they were/are unhealthy and unable to control themselves. Further there are no ex-alcoholics, only sober ones. Edited April 6, 2013 by dichotomy 1
Author icDude Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Well once again I am shown that this forum is full of bitter, beaten people who can never feel whole again. The fact that I understand my wife better and trust (as dichotomy said) that she is human, suggests nothing about my strength. She was weak and scared that I truly didn't love her. This I can see clearly was because of my behavior. She retreated from what in her mind was a loveless marriage toward the one other man she had seen love in. And he in turn had a seemingly loveless marriage as well (I exposed it to everyone, and she was shamed by her family and friends as was he). I am not giving props to weakness, just pointing out the path it takes. What was surprising to her is that I did love, and that I did want to save the marriage. Understanding that I too was not blameless in the failing of our marriage, is all that I can do to solve the problems in it. We are not all the way there. We are still working. I am occasionally concerned about her going back to the affair, but she must be concerned about me leaving and understanding that what she felt from this OM was only fantasy. These are real concerns to her, I am a tough man with a strong future; if she strays again I will leave and I will find a beautiful and smart younger woman to replace her. Don't be misled by my willingness to stay; I stay out of love, but will leave if she can not.
dichotomy Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 (edited) Well once again I am shown that this forum is full of bitter, beaten people who can never feel whole again. The fact that I understand my wife better and trust (as dichotomy said) that she is human, suggests nothing about my strength. She was weak and scared that I truly didn't love her. This I can see clearly was because of my behavior. She retreated from what in her mind was a loveless marriage toward the one other man she had seen love in. And he in turn had a seemingly loveless marriage as well (I exposed it to everyone, and she was shamed by her family and friends as was he). I am not giving props to weakness, just pointing out the path it takes. What was surprising to her is that I did love, and that I did want to save the marriage. Understanding that I too was not blameless in the failing of our marriage, is all that I can do to solve the problems in it. We are not all the way there. We are still working. I am occasionally concerned about her going back to the affair, but she must be concerned about me leaving and understanding that what she felt from this OM was only fantasy. These are real concerns to her, I am a tough man with a strong future; if she strays again I will leave and I will find a beautiful and smart younger woman to replace her. Don't be misled by my willingness to stay; I stay out of love, but will leave if she can not. I like some of what you have to say here. I might make a fine distinction that you do not own ANY part of her affair - but it is okay if you realize you were not loving as you should have been and own your part of an unhealthy marriage. But there is a difference - right? Cheating can be a form of abuse. And like physical abuse, with the person who hits another in the face... they may claim "you made me feel so angry so bad, so you had it coming, you were horrible to me, so I hit you...but I am sorry".... Well.... ya - maybe ... I was being a cold ahole - but thats no excuse to wail on my face with your fists. Instead you could have walked away and left this horrible situation - or called the "authorities" and had them resolve it. See the analogy - own the situation the led to it - but NOT the abuse/affair. Your willingness to be a better partner - and also be strong and have zero tolerance, confidence you could move on to a another if the marriage ended, is a healthy sign. Edited April 9, 2013 by dichotomy
Decorative Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 Well once again I am shown that this forum is full of bitter, beaten people who can never feel whole again. The fact that I understand my wife better and trust (as dichotomy said) that she is human, suggests nothing about my strength. She was weak and scared that I truly didn't love her. This I can see clearly was because of my behavior. She retreated from what in her mind was a loveless marriage toward the one other man she had seen love in. And he in turn had a seemingly loveless marriage as well (I exposed it to everyone, and she was shamed by her family and friends as was he). I am not giving props to weakness, just pointing out the path it takes. What was surprising to her is that I did love, and that I did want to save the marriage. Understanding that I too was not blameless in the failing of our marriage, is all that I can do to solve the problems in it. We are not all the way there. We are still working. I am occasionally concerned about her going back to the affair, but she must be concerned about me leaving and understanding that what she felt from this OM was only fantasy. These are real concerns to her, I am a tough man with a strong future; if she strays again I will leave and I will find a beautiful and smart younger woman to replace her. Don't be misled by my willingness to stay; I stay out of love, but will leave if she can not. We offer you kindness and support. And you call us bitter and beaten? Because people offered you the wisdom of their experiences to help you gain perspective ? Okey dokey.
Author icDude Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 We offer you kindness and support. And you call us bitter and beaten? Because people offered you the wisdom of their experiences to help you gain perspective ? Okey dokey. No disrespect. I also mentioned in my first post that I got a lot of insight and support from this forum. I do however feel that there is a lot of grumbling about never trusting anyone and how its always someone else's fault. I respect everyone's opinion, I just don't necessarily agree. I don't for one instance believe that being strong means walking away from a complicated relationship for instance (however, their are circumstances where it does mean that, i.e. physical or mental abuse, constant disrespect, etc.).
Decorative Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 No disrespect. I also mentioned in my first post that I got a lot of insight and support from this forum. I do however feel that there is a lot of grumbling about never trusting anyone and how its always someone else's fault. I respect everyone's opinion, I just don't necessarily agree. I don't for one instance believe that being strong means walking away from a complicated relationship for instance (however, their are circumstances where it does mean that, i.e. physical or mental abuse, constant disrespect, etc.). People are just worried about you offering trust that hasn't been earned yet. Nobody is saying never offer trust again. I didn't walk away from my marriage after infidelity. You'll find a lot of people on here who did not. So just be careful with who you call bitter. It's not quite what you think 1
Recommended Posts