So Mad at Myself

[Navajo46]

In my last post I had the time frame wrong. I am now at 4.5 months post BU. I am still a mess. I am still so up and down and absolutely mentally exhausted with the whole situation. I am tired of thinking about this girl and have done everything in my power to get over it. I hate not being able to talk to her at all for some twisted reason. 6 years of my life and and she doesn't give a ****. I have blocked facebook, work out, business is great... why CAN I NOT GET OVER IT. I am being so weak, but I miss her.

 

The other day her son texted me and we are hanging out this weekend... I have the opportunity to meet one of the NFLS best running backs and he said he would like to meet him. At first, I didn't want anything to do with him, but I had taken care of him for 6 years and was his father. He has initiated contact, not me. Sure, it makes it a little harder, but he has been abandoned by everyone around him and I refuse to do that. It needs to be about him and me and not her.

[blindhope]

She was part of your life every day for 6 years, so it's going to take time. I was with my ex for 7 and she went of the deep end and really became a horrible and sick person and I still wish she was walking through the door most nights. I hate myself for it. But don't call it weak. It means you care about something.

 

Imaging building anything for 6 years, a building, a car, a house. Putting in work and caring for it through the successes and failures. Then you see your finished product and poof it gets burned down, or crashes etc. Even as inanimate object it would be hard to accept and hurt for some time. So much was taken from you especially with a kid involved that it will take time.

 

It says a lot worse about the person who doesn't care and has no regrets about the loss.

[Navajo46]

She was part of your life every day for 6 years, so it's going to take time. I was with my ex for 7 and she went of the deep end and really became a horrible and sick person and I still wish she was walking through the door most nights. I hate myself for it. But don't call it weak. It means you care about something.

 

Imaging building anything for 6 years, a building, a car, a house. Putting in work and caring for it through the successes and failures. Then you see your finished product and poof it gets burned down, or crashes etc. Even as inanimate object it would be hard to accept and hurt for some time. So much was taken from you especially with a kid involved that it will take time.

 

It says a lot worse about the person who doesn't care and has no regrets about the loss.

 

It's sooo hard to get over the realization that they don't care after that amount of time. I feel like I went through a divorce or something. To know that they just want nothing to do with you... tough to take and can't seem to stop caring.

 

That's a good analogy you used. I just need to keep on trucking. As time goes on, I am realizing that she wasn't good for me... but miss her more... how weird is that?

 

Sometimes I try to feel happy for her that she might have found someone better for her... isn't that what life is about? Finding a better match for yourself and being happy. I'm just nowhere near the point where I can do the same yet.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Guys, I'm almost a year post BU after EIGHT years together- and engaged. She had two kids who I cared for as my own (i have three of my own-we tried to make us a family). Obviously didn't work.

 

I like to think I'm at least STARTING to heal as I near out 1 year apart date, but I still find myself missing her.

 

Fact? It's not ever going to happen. She's with someone else now, and truth be told in my moments of clarity? I wouldn't want her back now. Too much time has passed. We're strangers now, which is so weird because we lived and loved (at least I loved) for eight damn years.

 

You're in a difficult position with her child contacting you. I'm a father, so I can appreciate that.

 

I just don't know what to say- other than I feel for you. Her sons told my youngest that they miss me, and don't care for her new bf.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Nav,

 

She was HORRIBLE AND TOXIC for me, yet I still miss her.

 

I'm JUST starting to realize thats its not really HER I miss, more the "idea" of her, or us.

 

Not sure how long post BU you are, but BELIEVE me, it slowly, and I do mean slowly dulls over time. I'm just near one year, and I'm JUST starting to see my thinking change.

 

I'm guessing I won't be "solid" for at least another year or more.

 

People like us don't easily let go of years together. It's just that simple.

[Navajo46]

Guys, I'm almost a year post BU after EIGHT years together- and engaged. She had two kids who I cared for as my own (i have three of my own-we tried to make us a family). Obviously didn't work.

 

I like to think I'm at least STARTING to heal as I near out 1 year apart date, but I still find myself missing her.

 

Fact? It's not ever going to happen. She's with someone else now, and truth be told in my moments of clarity? I wouldn't want her back now. Too much time has passed. We're strangers now, which is so weird because we lived and loved (at least I loved) for eight damn years.

 

You're in a difficult position with her child contacting you. I'm a father, so I can appreciate that.

 

I just don't know what to say- other than I feel for you. Her sons told my youngest that they miss me, and don't care for her new bf.

 

That's the thing though that throws me so off. I am not looking for her to come back... I could NEVER take her back. I guess I would love like anybody for her to come crawling back for the satisfaction of it... but I am never letting her put me through something like this again. She didn't love me... end of story.

 

But, I guess I will always miss her on some level. I am just still hurting I guess... it's so hard when they make you feel like you weren't good enough. Yeah, with her son I just don't wanna make him feel unwanted. I told him when the BU happened that I wanted nothing to do with him.. but then realized he has nothing to do with his mothers decisions. His grandfather has nothing to do with him and his father doesn't either. It's gonna be hard for me, but I am going to let him stay in touch as long as he wants or needs to, he is a good kid.

[Navajo46]

Nav,

 

She was HORRIBLE AND TOXIC for me, yet I still miss her.

 

I'm JUST starting to realize thats its not really HER I miss, more the "idea" of her, or us.

 

Not sure how long post BU you are, but BELIEVE me, it slowly, and I do mean slowly dulls over time. I'm just near one year, and I'm JUST starting to see my thinking change.

 

I'm guessing I won't be "solid" for at least another year or more.

 

People like us don't easily let go of years together. It's just that simple.

 

I am 4.5 months out. Yeah, you are right... it's just the kind of person that I am. It takes me a while... in this case years to really warm up but then when I opened the flood gates... I cared too much. I think our relationship was the reverse for each of us. In the beginning she chased the hell out of me because I didn't know what I wanted, then I got attached and started to care, and then truly loved her and her son. She on the other hand, cared in the beginning, and then once she got a commitment from me... marriage etc... doubted whether I was the right guy. That's life for you.

[Am4Real]

It just takes time.

 

Have you started personal journal where you can record your thoughts and emotions?

[McGriff]

Navajo,

 

I totally validate what you are feeling. Don't be ashamed to feel that way at all. You loved deep and unconditionally, and now you are simply coming to terms with that. The problem is that, like me, it's hard to understand or grasp that CHANGE. I was divorced after 14 years and two kids, and lemme tell ya---it was EXTREMELY difficult. I just got dumped after a 5 month new relationship and shockingly for me, it was just as hard it seems. I feel like I've had two strikes, and the next one I'm out! But yeah, I understand what you're saying about feeling weak and needing to man up and stuff. Eventually you will, but just don't beat yourself up for having loved and lost. There are many out here walking that same lonely road. And kudos to you for acknowledging the child, that's wonderful.

[Navajo46]

It just takes time.

 

Have you started personal journal where you can record your thoughts and emotions?

 

I was journaling, but seemed to be writing the same things over and over again. I should start again.

[Navajo46]

Navajo,

 

I totally validate what you are feeling. Don't be ashamed to feel that way at all. You loved deep and unconditionally, and now you are simply coming to terms with that. The problem is that, like me, it's hard to understand or grasp that CHANGE. I was divorced after 14 years and two kids, and lemme tell ya---it was EXTREMELY difficult. I just got dumped after a 5 month new relationship and shockingly for me, it was just as hard it seems. I feel like I've had two strikes, and the next one I'm out! But yeah, I understand what you're saying about feeling weak and needing to man up and stuff. Eventually you will, but just don't beat yourself up for having loved and lost. There are many out here walking that same lonely road. And kudos to you for acknowledging the child, that's wonderful.

 

Thanks man, I appreciate it. I am sorry to hear about your situation as well. I have never been through anything for this long ya know... a 6 year relationship and taking this long to get over a BU. I guess I still really have to come to terms with the fact she is never going to be a part of my life. That is for the absolute best considering everything that she has put me through... but I guess you are ready when you are ready.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Nav,

 

Totally sucks. No doubt.

 

We are all feeling the same thing, thats why I'm happy to have found this site.

 

All of our stories are the same, with small variations. The one thing we all have in common is that we're HURTING LIKE HELL! even though our INSIGNIFICANT others aren't,

 

The other thing we all have in common is that we're ALL going to move past this, and I'm convinced at some point it will be nothing but a faded memory that will NOT crush us like this daily.

[Navajo46]

Nav,

 

Totally sucks. No doubt.

 

We are all feeling the same thing, thats why I'm happy to have found this site.

 

All of our stories are the same, with small variations. The one thing we all have in common is that we're HURTING LIKE HELL! even though our INSIGNIFICANT others aren't,

 

The other thing we all have in common is that we're ALL going to move past this, and I'm convinced at some point it will be nothing but a faded memory that will NOT crush us like this daily.

 

Situations like this make me afraid of the future. Going back to my old ways. I have learned so much about myself and what I want in the past 6 years... ie family, kids, relationship. Now I feel like I have no trust left in women and won't give them a shot at all. I have had women express interest in the past few months immediately and just blew them off because I had no interest whatsoever in anything with them. Kinda put things into perspective a little... when they would text me/call me... I would feel like they were bugging me because I had no interest. This is now what my ex feels like about me (I have not contacted her once).

[McGriff]

You know it's funny. You are right about all the current posters going through similar miseries, I know I am, as I wake up every morning with the same old cloud hanging over my head---that she's not a part of my life. Nada, zilch, nothing. I hate it. But what's funny is like we are like a class---just like there are many classes before us, and many more to come. If you look back a couple years, there were a whole group of people just like us who've moved on I suppose. I don't know about y'all, but I'm ready to graduate. Class of 2013 lol.

[blindhope]

It's sooo hard to get over the realization that they don't care after that amount of time. I feel like I went through a divorce or something. To know that they just want nothing to do with you... tough to take and can't seem to stop caring.

 

It is highly unlikely they don't care. The dumper tends to hide it better and can't show it because they are the one who left. They know they have you as their security blanket so they don't need to show you. But just like before you'd have to be a almost sociopath to hold and sense of loss and sadness after ending a LTR. Just like us they lost an everyday part of their lives.

 

Usually they try and fill that void with someone else which I take joy in hearing it rarely works out and ends pretty bad. And when it does end and they will be alone and at square one, you'll be better off and stronger.

[Damsel in Distress]

It's sooo hard to get over the realization that they don't care after that amount of time. I feel like I went through a divorce or something. To know that they just want nothing to do with you... tough to take and can't seem to stop caring.

 

I think this is what's the hardest for me too. I'm about 7 weeks post BU and I think I am finally starting to see that we will never have a relationship again. Even if he came begging back, after the way he has handled this breakup (total silence without warning) I don't think I could trust him with my heart again. But I am still suffering and driven crazy from not understanding how somebody can say and act like they love you for two years, and then suddenly with no warning whatsoever they don't care AT ALL, have no desire to speak to you, don't feel a need to share anything or talk anything over - they are just done!!

Even if there is a new person in the picture, it just seems cold that a loving hard can go stone cold that quickly.

 

So I'm right there with you. I know exactly what you mean about being mentally exhausted. I just want to be stable and happy again!

 

And yes, McGriff, I do feel like there's a whole slew of us who signed up in Feb/March - like a new freshman class coming in. And the people who have been here a while have seen the freshman coming in time after time with the same old stories, and are trying their best to explain to us how it works

I'm glad to have my fellow freshman, and I'm also glad to have the upperclassmen It's so helpful!

 

Hang in there Navajo!

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm really sorry you're hurting but I'm so happy you're not abandoning her son. You should be VERY proud of yourself for that..seriously. I know it's probably hard on you seeing him but you're doing a wonderful thing by continuing to have a relationship with him and putting your own feelings aside. He will grow up a better person because of you.

 

I have to give you a hug for that. ((((Navajo46))))

[Navajo46]

It is highly unlikely they don't care. The dumper tends to hide it better and can't show it because they are the one who left. They know they have you as their security blanket so they don't need to show you. But just like before you'd have to be a almost sociopath to hold and sense of loss and sadness after ending a LTR. Just like us they lost an everyday part of their lives.

 

Usually they try and fill that void with someone else which I take joy in hearing it rarely works out and ends pretty bad. And when it does end and they will be alone and at square one, you'll be better off and stronger.

 

It depends on the person. I think my ex is so closed off emotionally due to things in her past that she doesn't care, she convinced herself that I wasn't the right guy and boom she was over it. It's ok though, as much as it hurts that will be part of the fuel that helps me get over things.

[blindhope]

It depends on the person. I think my ex is so closed off emotionally due to things in her past that she doesn't care, she convinced herself that I wasn't the right guy and boom she was over it. It's ok though, as much as it hurts that will be part of the fuel that helps me get over things.

 

She may be closed off right now, but eventually it will hit her. Even people in mentally and physically abusive relationships have proven to suffer from the separation. She mind may be in a defensive state right now to protect her from the pain, but eventually that will be gone and she'll realize what she lost. Waether it was for the best or not.

[Navajo46]

I think this is what's the hardest for me too. I'm about 7 weeks post BU and I think I am finally starting to see that we will never have a relationship again. Even if he came begging back, after the way he has handled this breakup (total silence without warning) I don't think I could trust him with my heart again. But I am still suffering and driven crazy from not understanding how somebody can say and act like they love you for two years, and then suddenly with no warning whatsoever they don't care AT ALL, have no desire to speak to you, don't feel a need to share anything or talk anything over - they are just done!!

Even if there is a new person in the picture, it just seems cold that a loving hard can go stone cold that quickly.

 

So I'm right there with you. I know exactly what you mean about being mentally exhausted. I just want to be stable and happy again!

 

And yes, McGriff, I do feel like there's a whole slew of us who signed up in Feb/March - like a new freshman class coming in. And the people who have been here a while have seen the freshman coming in time after time with the same old stories, and are trying their best to explain to us how it works

I'm glad to have my fellow freshman, and I'm also glad to have the upperclassmen It's so helpful!

 

Hang in there Navajo!

 

I'm sorry for your pain too, it is tough. Yep, I feel the same way. Hard to deal with letting go and dealing with the fact that they didn't fight for us at all. Just like that... poof... gone.

 

I'm really sorry you're hurting but I'm so happy you're not abandoning her son. You should be VERY proud of yourself for that..seriously. I know it's probably hard on you seeing him but you're doing a wonderful thing by continuing to have a relationship with him and putting your own feelings aside. He will grow up a better person because of you.

 

I have to give you a hug for that. ((((Navajo46))))

 

Thanks! I decided a long time ago that no matter what happened between her and I that I would be there for him as long as he wanted me to be. When we broke it off I am ashamed that I looked him straight in his eyes and said I cannot have anything to do with you. After two months and some of the anger subsided, I again thought about what is best for him. He told me I was his father. He has went his whole life with no body to be a father figure to him. I am under no delusions though, he is a teenager and his mother is in a new relationship. I am sure he will be busy partying and also at some point her new guy will assume the role and I will be cut out... but I am still willing to be there for him if he needs me. Again, the key to me is that I can never make that about her and just be there for him.

[Navajo46]

She may be closed off right now, but eventually it will hit her. Even people in mentally and physically abusive relationships have proven to suffer from the separation. She mind may be in a defensive state right now to protect her from the pain, but eventually that will be gone and she'll realize what she lost. Waether it was for the best or not.

 

Well, I don't know if you knew the whole story, but she left me for her boss who is married with two kids. He is 44 she is 34. They obviously had been flirting or testing waters for a long time and they spend 8 hours a day together at least and now I am sure more. He has since gotten separated from his wife and got his own place. I am sure he is laying it on thick to her... you are the one, I love you etc.

 

Honestly, maybe it is a better fit for her. Work together, lots in common, kids etc. It's hard not to think about it day after day that they are together, but I cannot be concerned with this anymore. All that really matters is that she chose him over me. She chose a dysfunctional situation over the love I had to give her and her son. She just didn't care at all about that.

[McGriff]

It depends on the person. I think my ex is so closed off emotionally due to things in her past that she doesn't care, she convinced herself that I wasn't the right guy and boom she was over it. It's ok though, as much as it hurts that will be part of the fuel that helps me get over things.

 

Wow, I can relate to that, because she almost said that word for word to me. "I am not an emotional person, and I'm just over it (2weeks after BU). I love and care about you, you didn't do anything wrong, you just weren't the right guy for me." Ouch. Then a week later she wanted to come "cuddle" and was asking if I was dating blah blah blah. Two weeks later, we don't even talk anymore. So I do think they do think about you, it's just such wild swings in communicating their feelings. Just all so crazy. Crazy, I tell ya!

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm sorry for your pain too, it is tough. Yep, I feel the same way. Hard to deal with letting go and dealing with the fact that they didn't fight for us at all. Just like that... poof... gone.

 

 

 

Thanks! I decided a long time ago that no matter what happened between her and I that I would be there for him as long as he wanted me to be. When we broke it off I am ashamed that I looked him straight in his eyes and said I cannot have anything to do with you. After two months and some of the anger subsided, I again thought about what is best for him. He told me I was his father. He has went his whole life with no body to be a father figure to him. I am under no delusions though, he is a teenager and his mother is in a new relationship. I am sure he will be busy partying and also at some point her new guy will assume the role and I will be cut out... but I am still willing to be there for him if he needs me. Again, the key to me is that I can never make that about her and just be there for him.

 

He won't necessarily cut you out. You were with him through some of his most formative emotional years. If you stick with him, I bet he'll stick with you too. Kids don't just jump from father to father. If he considers you his father, you're his father.

 

You're right, you can't make it about her. It has to be about him. But still..you should be proud. I'm proud of you and I don't even know you!

[blindhope]

It may be fun new and exciting for her now, but what happens when he cheats on her, or the new fling stage is over. But you're right you never know what's going through their head. An honestly it doesn't matter.

 

Sure it might provide some temporary relief. But in the end she was obviously not a good person and there is better out there. You'll find someone better and be better off for it.

[Navajo46]

He won't necessarily cut you out. You were with him through some of his most formative emotional years. If you stick with him, I bet he'll stick with you too. Kids don't just jump from father to father. If he considers you his father, you're his father.

 

You're right, you can't make it about her. It has to be about him. But still..you should be proud. I'm proud of you and I don't even know you!

 

Thanks very much for the words of encouragement. Im trying to do the right thing, and i guess its not the same for everyone. People have given me the advice to just cut him out and be done cause it will prolong the healing. For me, i would rather shoulder the hurt and help make him feel wanted than feel like i was just another person that let him down.

 

I think though that he is so used to having people let him down that it doesnt affect him as much. We will let it play out. I am not going to contact him because i dont want to interfere... But i made it clear that my door is always open to him.