TheOW Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I was reading in the infidelity section and there was a very sad and horrible situation for a poster there, his wife has been sleeping around not once but several times. What got to me was the views that this woman should lose her kids over this. Should a woman who has raised her kids while their husband works away lose her kids over her prominiscuity ? Do you think this is fair ? I do not I think it's absurd. Unless of course she is an unfit mother (drink, drugs, neglect - and dont start saying she neglected her kids when she was sleeping around you could say the same for every single mother out there who has sex etc) I agree that the H should get 50/50 of the kids if possible and the same for a stay at home dad who's wife works (my view is that the main carer for the children should keep them with as much access from the other spouse) This thread is NOT about the other poster it is about who the children should stay with.
SoleMate Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 In my state, custody judgments are made purely based on the interests of the child, not as punishment of one parent or another. So, the California Legislature agrees with you.
Got it Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Not unless the facts show that she was neglectful, abusive or put her kids in immediate harm (basically what the law dictates). I do not think one's sex life should be an absolute on whether one can parent and I don't think many courts rule that way either. The beauty of the courts is it is an impartial, neutral, unemotional entity that rules based on previous court rulings, the current laws, and then the details on the specific case. It isn't perfect, it isn't always 100% fair, but it is a pretty darn good system. 2 1
Author TheOW Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 My thoughts exactly! I was just surprised that many BS think that the woman should lose her kids through her cheating. 1
Got it Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) it should depend on what the kids want too. The kids are DISGUSTED by this behavior. They don't want to live with her. Who wants to be raised by someone you have zero respect for. Kristi - the courts will factor in what the kids want, depending on age. Trust me there are many teens who have zero respect for their parents, doesn't mean they are right in that assessment. It could mean she is not a fit parent, it may not, it really depends on the facts in the case and the factors in my above post. Edited April 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author TheOW Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I did state this thread was not about his particular situation. But if you want to go there ... You could say exactly the same for Husbands who have cheated on their wives, why would you give them a second chance if this is your view ? and more so why would you allow them near your children ? Works both ways!! 2
Act Two Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 When I first posted on LS, still in an affair but trying to end it, I got a lot of "you should lose your kids." I was pretty outraged as I viewed myself as a pretty great mother- one who has made a lot of sacrifices for her children and loves them very much. In fact, at the time I thought I was loving them by keeping their family together and not just leaving their dad but getting my needs met on the side. Over time, I've come to see that by being in the affair I was not being a good mother. Even though I was with them physically much or most of the time, there were still times I was with exOM, and mentally was distracted by the situation. Of course, I was mentally drained from the bad marriage before that too. But I also think what it did to their dad was not good mothering. Having said that, I do not think the courts should start adjudicating custody based on the problems between the parents. Opening that can of worms could turn into a "he did this," and "she did that," and unless there is a reason to believe the parent would neglect or harm their child then they should have custody. 6
Got it Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Omg what a nightmare this guy was living. His wife was out screwing anything that walked. Yea I think he should go for the kids. This woman obviously has some severe mental problems to behave in this way. Probably abuse from childhood she needs to work through before she can be a stable parent. That behavior comes with much more baggage then oh I cheated. You are greatly speculating without full knowledge of what each party is saying. Could the OP in that case be telling the impartial facts? Sure, or the OP could have changed them based on their perspective and emotional state. There are many parents with addiction issues, the Courts do not take away every child carte blanche that has a parent with alcoholism, drug abuse, or sex addiction. It has to come down to the above factors.
Author TheOW Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 When I first posted on LS, still in an affair but trying to end it, I got a lot of "you should lose your kids." I was pretty outraged as I viewed myself as a pretty great mother- one who has made a lot of sacrifices for her children and loves them very much. In fact, at the time I thought I was loving them by keeping their family together and not just leaving their dad but getting my needs met on the side. Over time, I've come to see that by being in the affair I was not being a good mother. Even though I was with them physically much or most of the time, there were still times I was with exOM, and mentally was distracted by the situation. Of course, I was mentally drained from the bad marriage before that too. But I also think what it did to their dad was not good mothering. Having said that, I do not think the courts should start adjudicating custody based on the problems between the parents. Opening that can of worms could turn into a "he did this," and "she did that," and unless there is a reason to believe the parent would neglect or harm their child then they should have custody. I agree with this because I feel the same/did the same, but to lose my kids over it ? No I don't agree and never will it was a bad judgement and a hard lesson learned.
Author TheOW Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I wouldn't. Maybe you wouldn't but the people screaming for her to lose her kids DID.
Mint Sauce Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 the reasoning is not so much a punishment of the WS, but rather an attempt to keep the damage suffered by the BS to a minimum. He/she already loses his SO, should he/she also loose (50%) of his/her kids? Accepting the cheating as a "fault" of the WS, i.e. the BS did nothing wrong, the just thing would seem to be that the suffering of the BS is to be minimized. Of course that's a reasoning with no regard for the interests of the kids. Kids who are offered the choice, will often choose to live 100% of their time with the BS, even if there was no neglect. The act of cheating itself may be considered harmful for the children, as it damages the development of their personality. I think these are several reasons to consider full custody for the BS, in a situation where the WS was clearly at fault. Whether that is the case in the story you think of, is hard to judge without hearing both sides. 1
Act Two Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 the reasoning is not so much a punishment of the WS, but rather an attempt to keep the damage suffered by the BS to a minimum. He/she already loses his SO, should he/she also loose (50%) of his/her kids? . Because it is not about the parents. It is about the best interests of the children, which fortunately is the concern of the court. 1
Got it Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 the reasoning is not so much a punishment of the WS, but rather an attempt to keep the damage suffered by the BS to a minimum. He/she already loses his SO, should he/she also loose (50%) of his/her kids? Accepting the cheating as a "fault" of the WS, i.e. the BS did nothing wrong, the just thing would seem to be that the suffering of the BS is to be minimized. Of course that's a reasoning with no regard for the interests of the kids. Kids who are offered the choice, will often choose to live 100% of their time with the BS, even if there was no neglect. The act of cheating itself may be considered harmful for the children, as it damages the development of their personality. I think these are several reasons to consider full custody for the BS, in a situation where the WS was clearly at fault. Whether that is the case in the story you think of, is hard to judge without hearing both sides. But custody of the children is not viewed as intermingled by the courts with any adultery, or other failing as a spouse. The two are very separate and both parents involvement in the children's lives is what takes precedents. So you are right, the pain of the BS is not factored in by the Courts, it is there to represent and advocate for the children so what each parent "wants" is not factored in. What is best for the children based on their lives up to that point is.
Act Two Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 And quite frankly, in my case, my husband wasn't the greatest husband to me even while being a fantastic father (and still is). So do the courts really want to do all of that? They aren't marriage counselors and don't need to do a marital autopsy. Again, what is the bottom line best interest of a child? And yes, a teenager can choose to live where they want.
thefooloftheyear Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I think each circumstance is different. I would imagine a single event of Infidelity is one thing and that by itself wouldnt be justification for depriving her of her rights to custody, but after reading that story and seeing the pattern of repeated acts, frankly that shows some serious lack of self control and general good judgement. From what i read she banged every guy in town. Id have to say in that case I would side for the BS for custody. She obviously has serious problems with boundaries and I would fear for the kids in that case.. TFOY 1
Author TheOW Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I think each circumstance is different. I would imagine a single event of Infidelity is one thing and that by itself wouldnt be justification for depriving her of her rights to custody, but after reading that story and seeing the pattern of repeated acts, frankly that shows some serious lack of self control and general good judgement. From what i read she banged every guy in town. Id have to say in that case I would side for the BS for custody. She obviously has serious problems with boundaries and I would fear for the kids in that case.. TFOY I get what your saying but personally I disagree, if she is indeed a good mother to her kids her personal sexual life is of no concern as long as she isn't endangering the kids.
waterwoman Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 No, of course not. But to be fair TOW there weren't 'many' BSs thinking that she should lose her children on that thread. Certainly no more than in the general non-BS population as a whole. I think a lot of the comments on that thread were to do with the BS being concerned he would lose his kids after divorce. Poor bugger
Author TheOW Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Custody should be decided based on whats in the best interest of the child. The woman in the situation referenced is clearly acting out some kind of serious issue imo and not currently fit to be a parent. She has blown up her own life/family, including extended as well as several other families. She herself has left the family home, persuaded by her own sister. It wouldnt surprise me if she became suicidal based on whats been posted about what shes done. I wouldnt want her around any children right now. Once again I have stated this thread is not about that particular situation. Yeah she f***ed up big time, maybe she's a sex addict I don't know I never read the whole thread, but to lose ones children, nope not agreeing unless she was harmful, abusive etc 1
Radu Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I was reading in the infidelity section and there was a very sad and horrible situation for a poster there, his wife has been sleeping around not once but several times. What got to me was the views that this woman should lose her kids over this. Should a woman who has raised her kids while their husband works away lose her kids over her prominiscuity ? Do you think this is fair ? I do not I think it's absurd. Unless of course she is an unfit mother (drink, drugs, neglect - and dont start saying she neglected her kids when she was sleeping around you could say the same for every single mother out there who has sex etc) I agree that the H should get 50/50 of the kids if possible and the same for a stay at home dad who's wife works (my view is that the main carer for the children should keep them with as much access from the other spouse) This thread is NOT about the other poster it is about who the children should stay with. I don't think she should lose her kids over her cheating. But i do believe that her cheating should factor into what is best for the kids interests. Someone who has cheated has more or less chosen to sacrifice her family's happiness for herself, or at least add more problems to the mix. Either way it's bad. Personally i believe that the OW/OM crowd should actually be subject to civil litigation for the damage they have caused to the marriage [in some cases they have major issues]. In my country there are options to go after them, as there are in the US. You might not win, but that will remain on their record in this information age. Some women's [and men too ] actions dictate that they should have reduced exposure to their kids. At some point it is not in the best interests of the child to be exposed to someone who ruined their marriage, put them into therapy, and overall neglected them. I'm sure this opinion will be very popular with some ppl of the subforum you referenced. 3
Radu Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Custody should be decided based on whats in the best interest of the child. The woman in the situation referenced is clearly acting out some kind of serious issue imo and not currently fit to be a parent. She has blown up her own life/family, including extended as well as several other families. She herself has left the family home, persuaded by her own sister. It wouldnt surprise me if she became suicidal based on whats been posted about what shes done. I wouldnt want her around any children right now. There is a higher probability for her husband to commit suicide as a result of her actions, about 6 times more likely. I'm hoping neither does so.
Author TheOW Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 No, of course not. But to be fair TOW there weren't 'many' BSs thinking that she should lose her children on that thread. Certainly no more than in the general non-BS population as a whole. I think a lot of the comments on that thread were to do with the BS being concerned he would lose his kids after divorce. Poor bugger The first few pages were full of it WW x
USMCHokie Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Easy fix: make adultery a criminal offense. You can't be a very fit parent if you're in jail... 2
SoleMate Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Do you really think the kids lives will not be affected? These poor kids have to go to school with the children of the other families this woman has inserted herself into. They have to see these kids knowing their mommy slept with all their daddies. Sorry that affects them. Sleeping with half the neighborhood is not being a good mom no matter how you try to paint it. Based on your reasoning, half the fathers in the neighborhood should be removed from their homes by the government.
Radu Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Easy fix: make adultery a criminal offense. You can't be a very fit parent if you're in jail... Alienation of affection is a wonderfull thing.
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I was reading in the infidelity section and there was a very sad and horrible situation for a poster there, his wife has been sleeping around not once but several times. What got to me was the views that this woman should lose her kids over this. Should a woman who has raised her kids while their husband works away lose her kids over her prominiscuity ? Do you think this is fair ? I do not I think it's absurd. Unless of course she is an unfit mother (drink, drugs, neglect - and dont start saying she neglected her kids when she was sleeping around you could say the same for every single mother out there who has sex etc) I agree that the H should get 50/50 of the kids if possible and the same for a stay at home dad who's wife works (my view is that the main carer for the children should keep them with as much access from the other spouse) This thread is NOT about the other poster it is about who the children should stay with. If she is bringing home stray men and it seems like she did, and she put her kids at risk, then maybe. I do think having shared custody is fair though. IF her kids are home and she's got various men in and out of her house, then that is so wrong!
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