Caldespair Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I'm not div yet. I still love my wife. Its only been 4 months seperated. There were no deal breakers by either of us. We are both being stubborn. I don't want to flush 20 plus years down the toilet.my dilemma is, say I go the nine yards, go all out, really try to convince her we should work this out, and then she shoots me down. If that happened I will be set back. Set back to that dark place, that place I barely made it out of.i tried to reconcile a couple months back, but I know her. She wants the fireworks, the pleading. And I have made good progress on my own. I am adjusting to being alone without my partner who I still love. F&@&&&@k. This sucks! I don't want to look back and say I did not give it my all. Maybe, maybe one full court try to get her to break out of her vindictive, stubborn, mean way she is now become.
Shocked Suzie Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I'm not div yet. I still love my wife. Its only been 4 months seperated. There were no deal breakers by either of us. We are both being stubborn. I don't want to flush 20 plus years down the toilet.my dilemma is, say I go the nine yards, go all out, really try to convince her we should work this out, and then she shoots me down. If that happened I will be set back. Set back to that dark place, that place I barely made it out of.i tried to reconcile a couple months back, but I know her. She wants the fireworks, the pleading. And I have made good progress on my own. I am adjusting to being alone without my partner who I still love. F&@&&&@k. This sucks! I don't want to look back and say I did not give it my all. Maybe, maybe one full court try to get her to break out of her vindictive, stubborn, mean way she is now become. Have you tried counseling?? ... What does she say about your split?? Her reasoning behind it?? If you are both butting heads and no affair on either side I think its sad to throw 20yrs down the pan! 1
Gunny376 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 There are multiple schools of thought on this subject? Someone say to "Go For It" and do the full frontal assault. Others would say to attack the flanks? Others would say for you to hold your ground! (Sorry for the military jargon ~ but after 20+ years it gets in your head and stays there) My answer? Depends upon the you and the other individual? Me? If you still love her, you've got children and 20 plus years together? I would say go for it? Every one's situation has similarities ~ but yet? They're all different? A paradox I know! Me? Having gone through what I've gone through in my one previous marriage? I don't play that crying, begging, pleading crap with any woman. Mrs Gunny is over in Mississippi visiting with the DGS and DIL and DS. I call and we speak everyday ~ sometimes more. The other day I called and she tells me she's not coming back and she thinks it just not going to work out between us! I had the phone in my hand, and my thumb was on the "End" ~ as in end call button ~ when she said "April Fools!" She was a micro-nano-second away from my not only ending the call? But disconnecting the phone! :mad: :mad: And I would NEVER attempted to make contact with her ever again had I pushed that "End" button!" I don't play! I got my happy azz kicked out kindergarten because of it! They told me, its time for recess! Recess? What's that? That's where you go outside and play! And I told them! Gunny don't PLAY!!!!!! :mad: :mad: I'm a man! I've got my pride! I don't need some woman to hurt me inside! I'm NOT going to beg some woman to be with me that doesn't want to be with me! I' NOT going to beg someone woman I love to love me back! I'm NOT going to shed tears over some woman! If crying couldn't make her STAY! It sure as hell ain't going to make her come back! I'm a good person, with a lot of love to give! What ONE will abuse! ANOTHER can certainly use! The DARKSIDE! Hell man I've lived on the dark side of the moon for so long I don't even need a topo map, a compass, nor a grid azimuth to find my way around! But that's just me! I hardened my heart over the years! I haven't any problems with killing what needs killing ~ and I HAVE NO problems with leaving' behind what needs leaving' behind. I set Mrs Gunny straight ~ I didn't read her the Riot Act, but I just let her know! You even so much as hint at leaving/ dumping me! I won't get mad, I won't get angry! BUT I WILL TURN YOUR WORDS / DREAMS INTO A REALITY! QUICK! FAST! AND IN A HURRY LIKE! I WON'T BE GOING! I WILL BE GONE! I don't DO Threats! Ultimatums! Blackmail! When I commit to someone, its total, complete, faithfully, un-conditional. Its not "I'll love you provided you do this or that, or don't do this or that! Its not "I'll love you in so long as you ________________(fill in the blank?) I DO have my deal-breakers. Infidelity being one of them! I don't need on of those "Gifts" that just keep on giving and giving and giving! Love isn't worth dying for! 2
tojaz Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I'm not div yet.I still love my wife. Its only been 4 months seperated. There were no deal breakers by either of us. We are both being stubborn. I don't want to flush 20 plus years down the toilet.my dilemma is, say I go the nine yards, go all out, really try to convince her we should work this out, and then she shoots me down. If that happened I will be set back. Set back to that dark place, that place I barely made it out of.i tried to reconcile a couple months back, but I know her. She wants the fireworks, the pleading. And I have made good progress on my own. I am adjusting to being alone without my partner who I still love. F&@&&&@k. This sucks! I don't want to look back and say I did not give it my all. Maybe, maybe one full court try to get her to break out of her vindictive, stubborn, mean way she is now become. Its always a hard decision, but I'll say that the damage from being shot down will heal. The not knowing what might have been never really does. Thats just my .02, TOJAZ 4
Shocked Suzie Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Its always a hard decision, but I'll say that the damage from being shot down will heal. The not knowing what might have been never really does. Thats just my .02, TOJAZ Agreed If I could turn back time I would.... OP Don't live with regret of not trying
Steadfast Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Me? Having gone through what I've gone through in my one previous marriage? I don't play that crying, begging, pleading crap with any woman. As hard as it is to accept this very frank, black & white viewpoint, in my opinion there is no other position for maintaining a strong relationship. We cannot lose ourselves in marriage or any relationship. And while it is true that two should become one in marriage, that union does not supersede personal conduct or responsibility. You're either in, or out. No gray area. Is it worth one more 'full court press'? Of course. Question: Does she know you love and miss her? That you desire to be allowed one more chance to make things right from your end? Does she know that you don't want to control her or the situation, but simply that you wish to be together? If she does, then even the most profound words and actions won't change it. If another man is involved in any capacity, your single, best chance at saving the relationship is swift and immediate divorce. Brick wall. Total rejection. It will then be up to her and her great desire for you. She must convince you, if she can. Her desire is key. Otherwise, you have nothing. The issue isn't pride, it's desire. Forced to fight on even terms, desire and love will smash pride every time. Where are you really? You and her. Five star post Guns.
aMguilts Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 you wanna save it? go NC go out, start dating just dating, no sex thou!!! start living be happy be happy within yourself show her that you dont NEED her (you just want her) start having a `take it or leave it` attitude(and mean it) change just 1 thing that you usually do .... to ..something that you don`t usually do ignore her texts, calls, emails or just reply ( a lot later) ... sorry ... i`ve been busy reconcilling is like a game of chess plan your move and take hours maybe days to make YOUR move but as soon as you see that you have them in a `check` posistion ...hold back and wait you really want to reconcille? start getting on with your life as thou you are apart from her `pretend` you are no longer with her aM
Author Caldespair Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks for all the input. Yes, tried counseling once with her. She has known I wanted to reconcile a couple of months ago but did not respond. I've been no contact , except for lawyer meetings, for about 6 weeks. I have found a new fruitful existence. Nice ego boosts from the ladies, but I'm just going to chill and find out a bit more about who I am, and what I want in life. It was always what she wanted, she's type A, I'm more laidback. My therapist, who met my sbxw, said sbxw is a narcisstic. It's a new adventure and I will make the best of it. If she wanted to talk about reconciling I would listen. 2
Jennyfromtheblick Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I say what do you have to lose? If your rejected yeah you may go to that dark place but then you will at least know you gave it your all! If she wants begging and pleading thats petty on her part. I wouldnt say to do that either butat the end of the day you have to do what feels right! Maybe just go give it the most heartfelt try and pour your heart out without losing yourself to the point your begging. I just dont think long term she will respect you that way! Try the "Love Dare" nice gestures of appreciation without advertising. Shes most likely hurting too and after 20 years maybe feeling unappreciated and like somethings missing. 1
MsOptimist Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks for all the input. Yes, tried counseling once with her. She has known I wanted to reconcile a couple of months ago but did not respond. I've been no contact , except for lawyer meetings, for about 6 weeks. I have found a new fruitful existence. Nice ego boosts from the ladies, but I'm just going to chill and find out a bit more about who I am, and what I want in life. It was always what she wanted, she's type A, I'm more laidback. My therapist, who met my sbxw, said sbxw is a narcisstic. It's a new adventure and I will make the best of it. If she wanted to talk about reconciling I would listen. Your therapist saying that your wife is a narcissist is a telling thing - and one that would factor into reconciling, for me at least. It would likely take extensive individual counseling on her part in order for real change to take place. Most narcissists are not self aware and would not be willing to do that. You would likely end up in this situation all over again. I suspect that my exH is a narcissist (my therapist hasn't come out and said it, but he has agreed with my analysis and also met him once), and when he mentioned reconciling, I too, listened while being very skeptical. It was pretty easy to see that he wasn't sincere, and since I do not want to be in this situation again, there was no way I could even consider a reconciliation when he was showing no real signs of sincerity. 1
trippi1432 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Keep in mind, when in just one counseling session with a spouse, the hostility, frustration of not being heard and the anger of what got you there can appear as just about anything. Many posters here have told me my exH is NPD, my son's therapist told me I was better off without him and apologized with what I had to put up with for 15 years. However, I keep in mind that he was at our son's counseling session, not ours. We had been over and done for a good six months and he was calm and matter a fact in our only two MC sessions and blaming me for everything....and he was the one who wanted the divorce and left. If you suspect NPD, you should really look at co-dependency and see if that relates to you. NPDr's are typically drawn to Codie's to feed their Narssistic supply. If nothing else, might be good learning to make sure you don't wind up with another NPD'r and resolve any co-dependent's needs to fix/change and control as well. 1
MsOptimist Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Keep in mind, when in just one counseling session with a spouse, the hostility, frustration of not being heard and the anger of what got you there can appear as just about anything. Many posters here have told me my exH is NPD, my son's therapist told me I was better off without him and apologized with what I had to put up with for 15 years. However, I keep in mind that he was at our son's counseling session, not ours. We had been over and done for a good six months and he was calm and matter a fact in our only two MC sessions and blaming me for everything....and he was the one who wanted the divorce and left. If you suspect NPD, you should really look at co-dependency and see if that relates to you. NPDr's are typically drawn to Codie's to feed their Narssistic supply. If nothing else, might be good learning to make sure you don't wind up with another NPD'r and resolve any co-dependent's needs to fix/change and control as well. I completely agree. I have examined narcissistic traits and read a lot on codependency since my separation, and have talked about those with my exH as well - we both agree that we both exhibited signs of codependency.
2sunny Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I understand the pain in ending a long term M... It's important to know that every relationship has a beginning and an end. Acknowledging that's it's the end is the critical part. Cald - yours seems to be over - or was a while back - believe your W and move forward! You deserve happiness - make sure you experience it every day you live! There's no reason to hand her all your power - especially when she's said she doesn't intend to love you any longer. Work with your counselor on good balance and taking your power back.
trippi1432 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Cadespair...at the end of the day, the only thing you know is your heart, the only way you will ever close it is to know the definitive answer. You don't give away your power if you know your heart, yourself. You only give away your power if you give away your happiness to someone else, only you know your happiness.
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