dkwtd Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I have a class "non-committer" on my hands - and I want to break up and completely stop seeing him but I can't seem to do it. Please help me see that he's not worth my time. I feel like I have a hard time explaining it to other people as I get choked up talking about it, etc and I just don't want to talk about it. How can I see we should break up and I can move on? What are some things you can tell me to know I should definitely leave? Here are things I keep falsely hanging onto: 1. We've been on and off for FOUR years. For the first year we were fine, we had a break-up around yr 1.5 for 2 weeks because I felt he wasn't investing (he was ignoring me lots), but I forgave him. He became a "perfect boyfriend" for the next year and a half essentially, and broke up with me right before our 3 yr anniversary because he felt like he might not be sure he was ready for marriage - something I never even implied! He just said it felt too serious and he didn't want to hurt me. The last year we see each other ever few months and it's killing me. 2. He's really sweet. Outside of the commitment issues he is really nice. He always seems to feel guilty about what he feels - cries, gets upset, apologizes, etc but seems really lost about it. He tries to make up for it - takes me on elaborate dates, buys presents, etc. 3. He never seems to disappear??? I do try to keep away, but he always seems like he's trying to come back but then is STILL unsure after awhile. He always invites me to his family events, wants me to be around his friends, etc. He emphasizes how he always misses me and loves spending time with me, but he just feels very afraid about marriage. 4. He always claims he wants to get married to me eventually, but right now he feels too young (I'm 23, he's 26). Like he just needs time to hang out with his friends and family. He's not a party animal or anything and he's kind of a workaholic. I don't get it ??? He doesn't seem like he has GIGS because he goes over and over about how I make him feel, how he doesn't want to lose me, how he doesn't want to see anyone else (and I know he hasn't even though it's been a year), but how he feels trapped or anxious? I've never asked him for marriage, etc, and he's the only one who brought it up. Could it be he just doesn't want to marry me? Is this GIGS? I don't get it - how do I leave him even though I love him so much? There's no way I can possibly be with this man. How do I go NC? How can I convince myself it's the right thing to do?
sedona Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Figure out what your boundaries are- that is, your dealbreakers in a relationship. And then consider whether he's crossed them. If he has, then react. How you react is up to you, but a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. I assume that you have talked to him about this? How do you feel? If you're sad or in pain, then this relationship is not working out for you. A relationship should not drag you down.
ThatJustHappened Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 You're both very young for marriage. He's not wrong to feel this way. He should, however, respect your need to heal and stay away from you. You can always come back around to him later when you're both ready. Or maybe you'll meet someone new in the meantime and forget all about him.
TaraMaiden Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I have a class "non-committer" on my hands - and I want to break up and completely stop seeing him but I can't seem to do it. That's because you ARE a committer - either that, or you're a bit needy, clingy, have low self-esteem or are dependent.... Please help me see that he's not worth my time. I feel like I have a hard time explaining it to other people as I get choked up talking about it, etc and I just don't want to talk about it. How can I see we should break up and I can move on? What are some things you can tell me to know I should definitely leave? First of all, be extremely firm with him. tell him this is ripping you to shreds and if he has even a gram of respect or affection for you he will do everything within his power to comply with your request to completely disappear out of your life, and go No Contact effective immediately. This is doing you no good, and you feel trapped. he needs to let you go. Secondly - you then need to be extrememly firm with yourself, and cut off every single which way you can be in touch with him, or deny every access to him to contact you. all of it. Facebook, 'phone, email, home 'phone - the lot. Erase, block, delete, deny, the whole sherbang. Here are things I keep falsely hanging onto: 1. We've been on and off for FOUR years. For the first year we were fine, we had a break-up around yr 1.5 for 2 weeks because I felt he wasn't investing (he was ignoring me lots), but I forgave him. He became a "perfect boyfriend" for the next year and a half essentially, and broke up with me right before our 3 yr anniversary because he felt like he might not be sure he was ready for marriage - something I never even implied! He just said it felt too serious and he didn't want to hurt me. The last year we see each other ever few months and it's killing me. Irrelevant. This has no bearing on what matters now, and is no reason for you to do otherwise. 2. He's really sweet. Outside of the commitment issues he is really nice. He always seems to feel guilty about what he feels - cries, gets upset, apologizes, etc but seems really lost about it. He tries to make up for it - takes me on elaborate dates, buys presents, etc. Guilty my foot.....He doesn't want to let you go, because while he still wants to spread his wings, he wants to make sure you're there. Waiting for him, always ready: His soft place to fall, his back-up, his safety net - his "Second option" after his priority - which is to go a little wild. It's selfish and all about him. Trust me, there is ulterior motive in keeping you strung up and on the back-burner. This is for his benefit - not yours.... 3. He never seems to disappear??? I do try to keep away, but he always seems like he's trying to come back but then is STILL unsure after awhile. He always invites me to his family events, wants me to be around his friends, etc. He emphasizes how he always misses me and loves spending time with me, but he just feels very afraid about marriage. No - he's afraid that if he drops you, he won't be able to find another little devoted simpering puppy who will roll over at his beck and call. He loves the attention, and wants to 'get rid of you' but doesn't want you to disappear altogether. Commitment-phobe he may be, but he adores the attention without having to reciprocate in a permanent way.... And you?? Quit accepting his invitations - it just makes you look like someone hanging on in devoted adoration... if he says "Come to *this event* " tell him he's on his own!! 4. He always claims he wants to get married to me eventually, but right now he feels too young (I'm 23, he's 26). Like he just needs time to hang out with his friends and family. He's not a party animal or anything and he's kind of a workaholic. So what he wants is to be able to hang loose, meet other women, sow his wild oats - but ensure you're there, waiting in the wings, like some old jalopy in a garage, while he hires the ferraris and goesw cruising? neat trick. I hope you've told him where he can shove his 'eventually'... What?? When?!? A year? Three years?? FIVE?? Gimme a time-frame here - what, you expect me to just loaf around waiting for you to finish having your fun, while I sit here pining away and moping?? Gimme a break..... I don't get it ??? He doesn't seem like he has GIGS because he goes over and over about how I make him feel, how he doesn't want to lose me, how he doesn't want to see anyone else (and I know he hasn't even though it's been a year), but how he feels trapped or anxious? I've never asked him for marriage, etc, and he's the only one who brought it up. Could it be he just doesn't want to marry me? Is this GIGS? No. he's a cake-eater - and doesn't know it. He wants his cake (you) but he also wants to 'eat it (go out and have some fun). But he feels that until you "give him permission" ("yeah, sure, go out, have fun, enjoy yourseldf, I'll still be here!") he can't risk it, because he doesn't want to lose his safety net. I don't get it - how do I leave him even though I love him so much? There's no way I can possibly be with this man. How do I go NC? How can I convince myself it's the right thing to do? It's not only the right thing to do - it's also the ONLY thing to do. You need to back off, give yourself space and steer clear of this guy. He's playing a selfish game. He may not know it - and would never admit it - but under scrutiny, he is keeping you at arm's length, apart from when you have your uses. Are you still having sex with him?? 1
Author dkwtd Posted April 6, 2013 Author Posted April 6, 2013 Thanks for the replies - I think you are right. I'm not sure I'm clingy... I leave him alone but he seems like every few months he checks in. I hadn't had sex with him since our original break up last yr until this last week when he kept trying to say he was upset we weren't together blah blah blah and wanted to reconcile but I felt really insecure about it because I don't want to be toyed around with. I don't want to get back together to be broken up with. I have been kind of seeing someone new - casually - because I'm not 100% ready to fully date yet. He's a pretty nice guy and is understanding and lets me be. My ex still has not seen anyone and I think this would probably upset him because he feels he's been "faithful" and even when we were together he got jealous about how many guys would hit on me. I really do like this new guy but I think my ex toying around with me has gotten to me. I guess I just don't understand this guy. Maybe he doesn't understand love? Maybe he doesn't understand relationships? You're right - I shouldn't be "waiting" for him. I have deleted him off FB etc and his # (but it's hard not to recognize it). I didn't go to any of his family events, etc but I did go out with him to consider reconciliation a few times but I learned my lesson: he has not changed. Yeah, it doesn't matter if he's going to say he's going to "commit later" - there probably is an ulterior motive. It's hard because I felt like he was my best friend too, he's helped me through a lot of really hard things, but I can't look at the past and say that means it's okay for him to use me as a back burner. I really do feel like he'll look back and regret it (and he seems to say it all the time but adds that he feels really anxious and confused) - but who cares? Maybe he won't care. Maybe I won't care. I'm not sure I agreed with everything 100% you said Tara, but a lot of the comments on the direct quotes made a lot of sense and I appreciate it. I should have some more self-worth.
TaraMaiden Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 ..... I'm not sure I agreed with everything 100% you said Tara, but a lot of the comments on the direct quotes made a lot of sense and I appreciate it. I should have some more self-worth. What are some things you can tell me to know I should definitely leave? .... How do I go NC? How can I convince myself it's the right thing to do? Well, I was really focusing on satisfying these two criteria of your first post... You've now added more information (It's always the way.,... we get a second dose of cake....) but it's difficult to include everything in a single post. It also makes them "Too long; Didn't read" material! What you subsequently added - about his emotional blackmail and resentment of your moving on, because "look, I'VE been 'faithful to you - but how dare you see other guys even though I ended it!" is even more reason, and adds fuel to the "No Contact" fire. He's behaving like a possessive jerk. And it's not your job to sympathise with him, or stick around out of obligation.. Because you know what? You're ENABLING HIS BEHAVIOUR. What you're actually doing by responding the way you are, is to actually support and encourage this dynamic. You have to quit playing into this - because it's not a good game, and will end in tears. Sorry for him, but - you really don't want them to be yours. If he has relationship problems, it's not up to you to either understand them or fix them. But it is your job to improve your own situation, be mature and make your moves positive and supportive of your own life. Get it?
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