TheGuard13 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Man, 30. It's not the NORM to know so fast, but I wouldn't say it's inherently wrong to know there's serious longterm potential there. If it works, it works.
amythan Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I admit i haven't read all the responses but anyway ... My longest relationship, nine years living together, was the fastest you can imagine. We saw each other three times during one year, both committed to other people, I moved to his country because i found a job there and we started living together the same day. We have never discussed dating each other before this day. And yes, it worked ! We were happy, we had fun and loved each other and now we are best friends. I guess is unusual but it is possible, just follow your instinct. In my case none of us were desperate to have a relationship.
Woggle Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I don't think you should commit to anything now but if you have feelings for him then give it a shot if you truly do want the same things.
MoreThanThat Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Edgy, I totally get where the two of you are. I'm 45 myself and had fertility testing done which showed without donor eggs, I have a year or so left myself. Since separating 8 years ago, this has really caused me to make hellacious choices in relationships - ie NOT getting involved with someone I knew would be long-term because I didn't want the kids thing hanging over. My suggestion? Let go of fear here. Use good judgment and see where things go. That's what I'd do in your situation. IT is really hard to meet someone where things line up and really, I came to understand that too late myself.
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Edgy, I totally get where the two of you are. I'm 45 myself and had fertility testing done which showed without donor eggs, I have a year or so left myself. Since separating 8 years ago, this has really caused me to make hellacious choices in relationships - ie NOT getting involved with someone I knew would be long-term because I didn't want the kids thing hanging over. My suggestion? Let go of fear here. Use good judgment and see where things go. That's what I'd do in your situation. IT is really hard to meet someone where things line up and really, I came to understand that too late myself. Thank you MoreThanThat. Are fertility tests accurate these days? How are they done? Is it safe to say some women these days can have kids until 45ish? Not sure I got it - did you run from people who could be long-term because you were afraid to have kids with them? Do you also have commitment-phobe tendencies? Just curious. I think I get where you're coming from and we might be similar. If i understand correctly you are still fertile? So why is it too late for you? To have a family, etc? Not that you could not have one if you were not fertile anymore, obviously.
MoreThanThat Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Thank you MoreThanThat. Are fertility tests accurate these days? How are they done? Is it safe to say some women these days can have kids until 45ish? Not sure I got it - did you run from people who could be long-term because you were afraid to have kids with them? Do you also have commitment-phobe tendencies? Just curious. I think I get where you're coming from and we might be similar. It really depends on the woman. My best friend from high school just had a baby 2 months ago without issues. I went to a fertility clinic and underwent a bunch of tests. It was not an inexpensive or easy process but it gave me a better handle on what I am dealing with. I WOULD need to get shots done before and during a pregnancy to reduce miscarriage risks and still be high risk. Women have a limited number of eggs and as you get to the end, the quality diminishes - that is a factor. If i understand correctly you are still fertile? So why is it too late for you? To have a family, etc? Not that you could not have one if you were not fertile anymore, obviously. I am and it's not too late for me. The issues for me before was that it felt like a heavy thing to bring into a relationship so I just didn't. I also didn't look at relationships as life long ones either. For some reason, since my separation 8 yrs ago, I've always looked at having a kid and a man in the picture as being two separate things. This has been divorce from hell financially and we're at the tail end of it (4-6 months). Once it is done, my plans are to relocate permanently and do it alone - unless someone pops up magically. I have the resources to handle it myself. I guess the issue for me is not intentionally looking for what I needed. It's a baggage area for me. My marriage ended (amicably) because he didn't think I'd slow down to have kids after over a decade together. That said if someone came along with value alignment and wanted the same things, I'd not necessarily jump at the chance but I would give it serious consideration. It really sucks though in a lot of ways. I never imagined being this age and not having children. As an FYI - all the relationships I've had have been with younger men. I think part of me felt that IF it did go further, it would be better for a child having at least one younger parent. 1
Imajerk17 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Re: the age and suddenly realizing he's at midlife... Look - the truth is - I am in the same situation as him. It's easy for younger people to mock and criticize us in our 40s who were a little commitment phobic, picky, had bad luck in relationships, issues and whatnot. Yes, some of us reach 40 and suddenly realize time is running out. And we want to do something before it's too late (at least too late for biological children or so - yes, some people want them and I don't see anything wrong with it). Btw - he was married before. They found out she could not have children, but they divorced for other reasons. He had a few relationships after that as well, it's not like he was partying in a midlife crisis or so. But my point is, it's fair to realize in your 40s that you are running against time and do something about it. What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Give up? I don't think so. It happens, for diverse reasons. Keep in mind though, that you won't lose much time if your time-frame for making big decisions is 6 months as opposed to a few weeks. I think most people would be freaking out if they were seriously about to commit their "forever" away to someone they've only known for not even a month! 1
SunsetRed Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I think that these men are looking to fill some kind of void in their lives. He doesn't know you so he is likely projecting all kinds of dream characteristics on to you. Once he gets to know you and realises that you have some flaws, he is likely to cool off/lose interest. Also, most commitment phobes actually come on this strong. I don't want to be all doom and gloom, I know there are exceptions, just my own experiences and what I read on LS haven't been great in that scenario. Eternal Sunshine, you are extremely wise and right on target w everything you are saying. OP, listen to Eternal Sunshine! 1
SunsetRed Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Plus, if someone really wants you, they are naturally going to want to move slow, so as to protect their own hearts and not scare you away.
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Plus, if someone really wants you, they are naturally going to want to move slow, so as to protect their own hearts and not scare you away. I understand it makes sense but have you noticed that in the world there are two kind of daters? Those who know right away and start a relationship pretty fast, and those who go very slow and take months to admit they are having a relationship? Well, the only scary thing in my case is that he's willing to talk about babies and being together for the long run so fast. But from a realistic point of view... if I don't try to get to know someone in a fast pace, and make a decision (as opposed to my history of always being undecided about people), I will not have a biological family. He has said that we could try to get pregnant (if we see that we get along, let's say, until Summer) and also next year and still have a family of 2 kids. I know it sounds crazy in a way but I mean the truth is in a sense it's good to have a guy care about me this way. Most early 40s guys would just go for a 30 yo and not have the hassle. So, I guess what I am saying, is, he does seem to care about me and our possible future together. Just in a realistic way. That if, he's not nuts or so. I'll try to find out soon, lol. 1
MoreThanThat Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 Well, the only scary thing in my case is that he's willing to talk about babies and being together for the long run so fast. But from a realistic point of view... if I don't try to get to know someone in a fast pace, and make a decision (as opposed to my history of always being undecided about people), I will not have a biological family. Devil's advocate time here... given what you said to me and this... and that it seems you are doing okay enough financially - do some research online regarding fertility so you can know the options and see a specialist. Timeframes for women are all over the place. I've had friends as early as 38 who stopped ovulating and another friend at 52 who thought she was in menopause but became pregnant naturally. There are also options - ovulation stimulation and harvesting being one. But the flip side is knowing what is important for you - to carry a child yourself, have a surrogate carry your child, to carry a child from a donor egg... or even adoption. Which of these are options you'd be happy with? Knowing the various options AND your time frame will prevent potential disappointment down the road. If you do stay with this man, the disappointment avoidance is for both of you as well.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 Eternal Sunshine, you are extremely wise and right on target w everything you are saying. OP, listen to Eternal Sunshine! I am only wise when it comes to other people's lives 4
MoreThanThat Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 I am only wise when it comes to other people's lives haha isn't that true for most of us? Enjoy your posts too ! 1
Noproblem Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 Re: the age and suddenly realizing he's at midlife... Look - the truth is - I am in the same situation as him. It's easy for younger people to mock and criticize us in our 40s who were a little commitment phobic, picky, had bad luck in relationships, issues and whatnot. Yes, some of us reach 40 and suddenly realize time is running out. And we want to do something before it's too late (at least too late for biological children or so - yes, some people want them and I don't see anything wrong with it). Btw - he was married before. They found out she could not have children, but they divorced for other reasons. He had a few relationships after that as well, it's not like he was partying in a midlife crisis or so. But my point is, it's fair to realize in your 40s that you are running against time and do something about it. What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Give up? I don't think so. It happens, for diverse reasons. I'm merly trying to analyze the whole situation, I'm not saying wanting babies is wrong or not necessary. I'm saying that it's wrong to make it the reason behind a marriage I do hope his feeling are real and lasting because it's obvious you like him 1
SunsetRed Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 EdgyGirl, I like your quote about there being 2 types of daters, those who jump into a relationship and those who date for months before admitting to being in one. I'm in the later. I cant jump into anything and I run from men who do. Does this make me commitmentphobic, maybe it does. Maybe I am commitment phobic but that doenst mean I cant make a commitment...it just means I need to feel safe in order to do so. I cant feel safe if Im rushed or if I hear premature promises, so I guess I will keep pushing guys who move too fast away.
Mint Sauce Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 My concern is not that... I am concerned that in spite of all the similarities, we might find out we are not the right fit for each other... but too late. Because the right relationship is not only about interests and shared life goals (which we obviously also have), it's also about knowing if you get along in a normal, daily relationship. I'm afraid I'll realize later that we don't and that he's not right. Of course you should test daily life compatibility as quickly as possible, the first few months of living together obviously being unrepresentative. So, I'd say: move in together as quickly as possible, without giving up your own place or job, if possible. He has previous LTR experience, he's been married. He's not some 20yro who doesn't see reality because he's infatuated. IMO he's not so much projecting dream characteristics on to you, rather a dream future (kids, finally!). But that's a future you can realize together. Yes, there is a risk of failure. There always is. Does that mean you should not participate in this life you're given? Keep your eyes open, watch for real red flags, but don' let fear dictate your choices. ps: me 34, divorced, no kids, dating a woman of similar age since a few months, and also looking at a tight schedule because we would both like 2 kids.
Author edgygirl Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Of course you should test daily life compatibility as quickly as possible, the first few months of living together obviously being unrepresentative. So, I'd say: move in together as quickly as possible, without giving up your own place or job, if possible. He has previous LTR experience, he's been married. He's not some 20yro who doesn't see reality because he's infatuated. IMO he's not so much projecting dream characteristics on to you, rather a dream future (kids, finally!). But that's a future you can realize together. Yes, there is a risk of failure. There always is. Does that mean you should not participate in this life you're given? Keep your eyes open, watch for real red flags, but don' let fear dictate your choices. ps: me 34, divorced, no kids, dating a woman of similar age since a few months, and also looking at a tight schedule because we would both like 2 kids. Wow I am really surprised you're a man! You're so sensitive and I really enjoyed reading your posts. I gave it all some thought and I realized that what I'm really afraid of is realizing down the road that -I- made the wrong choice and committed too soon to someone who is not right for me (more than the issue of him being a liar about all this which I think he isn't as you said in an earlier post). I'm afraid to regret it later... I feel I will soon be between a rock and a hard place, in the pressure to decide whether to go ahead or not. Hopefully I will know him better by then and have good judgement about us and the situation. I also wish you good luck with your woman! Thank you all so much for your posts - really helpful
Author edgygirl Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) ps. He's probably coming to see me this weekend and if things work out we are in talks about spending Summer together so that might help see if we match and then make further decisions. Edited April 10, 2013 by edgygirl 1
Author edgygirl Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 If you don't want him then don't waste his time. You are waiting for assurances that will never come. Love is an all in or all out deal. If you don't want to be all in then you should get out. Nothing more irritating than hanging around for someone you want but at best might halfheartedly want you. I didn't really get your point... who said I don't want him? I don't know him enough yet to know if I want him or not.
A O Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Kudos to him for knowing what he wants. Now - what do you want! If it's all too fast for you then so be it - you/everyone has to move at a pace they are comfortable with. I'm in my 40's but I've always been a quick mover - relationship-wise also but not as quick as this guy, not by half. Without reading any further than your opening post, it could be he's just looking for a baby-maker and you just happen to fit the bill. More importantly though is that you move at a pace that you are comfortable with, if he isn't happy about that then too bad for him. 1
Recommended Posts