dasein Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Well the only really disturbing thing here to me is the grad school thing and wants to have kids fast? Yikes. Being in grad school in a high paying field is -not- a high paying career itself. Is he in debt due to this grad school? If that "high paying field" is law, business or finance, and he doesn't have a family type gig to walk into? Eh. Don't get emotionally attached until at least 2-3 months of dating and consistency. Don't listen to people who met their spouse and it was love at first sight. Some people shoot the ball in from midcourt on the first try too, doesn't mean you should bet on that. Good luck.
Noproblem Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 25 years ago is not an example Tell me about 2013 examples No, don't rush things ...If he loves you, he can wait for 2 or three months Why would you run and marry him, just to discover he is a disaster Wait not for 2 years, but 2 and 3 months are OK, if he didn't like that....He won't be the one who will wait for you all his life, right? Tell him, that you need more time to know him, it's OK if he knows you are the one for him, but you too have the right to know who is the one for you! 1
KungFuJoe Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 2 and a half dates and already talking about sex and kids? Am I weird for thinking it's ok to have sex on the first date (assuming their is mutual passion) but that it's weird to just TALK about sex on the 3rd?
Noproblem Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 It seems like this guy was living in a dull ordinary life for so long and right now he wakes up found himself in his 40 Life is running away from his hand; he wants to change his dull quite life He wants more and he wants it now! Men have their issues when they are 40's I heard I forget what the call that thing, but they tend to do reckless stuff when they hit 40's
Mint Sauce Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 why are you not in a rush? early 40s and still want a baby? I'd say you would want to be pregnant in a year or so. If that's the time frame, then it's best to see as quickly as possible whether this thing has potential. I don't find buying you some jewelry now is absurdly fast. Marriage or any other major commitment, ok, that you should probably wait half a year or so, but other than that: get to know each other as quickly as possible, that year will be over in heartbeat, and there's so much to learn about each other! Don't forget: he has plenty of time left, he's probably in a rush because he knows you don't have that much left, and he likes you better than the younger models that crossed his path. 1
Noproblem Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 why are you not in a rush? early 40s and still want a baby? I'd say you would want to be pregnant in a year or so. If that's the time frame, then it's best to see as quickly as possible whether this thing has potential. I don't find buying you some jewelry now is absurdly fast. Marriage or any other major commitment, ok, that you should probably wait half a year or so, but other than that: get to know each other as quickly as possible, that year will be over in heartbeat, and there's so much to learn about each other! Don't forget: he has plenty of time left, he's probably in a rush because he knows you don't have that much left, and he likes you better than the younger models that crossed his path. Life is not only about babies, as if she doesn't have babies, she will be a damaged good. Babies don't justify marrying a stupid or a dangerous guy, she can have babies in any other ways if she is that desperate about getting pregnant! 2
Mint Sauce Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 if I understood correctly, he hasn't actually proposed yet, just made clear that he's still up for marriage and kids, a classical constellation quoi. And that OP seems to be a woman with whom he can imagine that constellation. So he doesn't want to waste time. My point was solely that I'm surprised OP doesn't have a sense of urgency. Of course she can have babies in other ways, but now that an opportunity for a regular family arises, why not throw it in the water to see whether it swims*? * may not be an English expression, but you know what I mean 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 All long term single women have a touch of commitment phobia in them 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 OP could just adopt if she wants a baby so bad. Or go to a sperm bank. Getting stuck with the wrong guy for the sake of having a biological child would be the worst thing ever. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 My godmother's daughter just did that. She's 40 and settled down with a VERY unattractive 50-something year old truck driver. At first, we just thought he was weird, but we're starting to believe that he has a mental disorder. Not one month after the birth of their child, he beat her so bad that she got a restraining order against him and went back to her mother's house. He smooth-talked her somehow and they're back together. This all happened because she decided to settle and made some very bad choices. Ah geez, that sounds terrible. I know plenty of examples like that. I just want to hug all these women and tell them: there is no such thing as running out of time. It's going to be OK. Think of others options. Love can't be forced. Making poor choices now will only make your life hell later on. Don't even consider that loser! 2
SoleMate Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 If you really want to accelerate this relationship, I would do so by travelling to his city and meeting all his family and friends. He can set up the get-togethers. You should spend as much time with them all as you can and ask lots of questions. Also see where he lives and where he works. Ask him about his history with respect to relationships, family, friends, education, work, friendships, encounters with legal system, and travel. Ask if he has ever been fired or ever accused of anything. Hire a PI and check out all his answers.
ja123 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 If you really want to accelerate this relationship, I would do so by travelling to his city and meeting all his family and friends. He can set up the get-togethers. You should spend as much time with them all as you can and ask lots of questions. Also see where he lives and where he works. Ask him about his history with respect to relationships, family, friends, education, work, friendships, encounters with legal system, and travel. Ask if he has ever been fired or ever accused of anything. Hire a PI and check out all his answers. I was going to say this, too. You need to see him in context (and he you) as much and as soon as possible. If you want to fast-track this, then it mightn't be a bad idea to see a marriage counsellor who can help both of you clarify your goals, expectations, and establish good communication and problem solving. And if you're serious about having a child and time is running out, then the only way you can really get to know him better and fast is for both of you to live in the same town. Good luck!
Gottabestrong Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Total red flag or... it happens? I am trying to understand if I should run... or if this could be normal for a guy this age. If you like him, don't run, but pump the brakes. From my own experience I can tell you that a guy who comes on strong and wants to make you his girlfriend after a few dates can turn cold just as quickly. My advice is to ask him to slow down and get to know each other before you jump into a relationship. If he is not willing to do that, I would see it as a red flag. Don't let him pressure you into doing something you are not ready for. Good luck! 1
clia Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Total red flag or... it happens? Both! It does happen. It could very well be that you are the woman he has been looking for his entire life. I think we all know people who met and just knew from day one. Or, he could be all wrapped up in the throes of infatuation and butterflies and could be blowing hot air all over you, and in another month he could go cold and poof. At this point, it's impossible to tell. All you can do is pace things. If you like him, just keep dating him. Brush off his future talk. It's just talk right now. Let him talk. Have a nice time. Get to know him. Continue at a pace you are comfortable with. Accept the jewelry! () If he really is into you, he will accept whatever pace you want to move at without argument. If he's still around in six months and saying the same things, then you can reevaluate -- he's probably serious. 2
Imajerk17 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Hi, edgeygirl. I just skimmed the first part of your thread. The wanting to lock you down for an exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend relationship after a few dates actually seems reasonable to me. The talking about marriage and children already though, is really jumping the gun in my opinion. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Or she could just go Maude Lebowski and get knocked-up by The Dude (or his equivalent). That would work, too. That's totally my plan
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 It seems like this guy was living in a dull ordinary life for so long and right now he wakes up found himself in his 40 Life is running away from his hand; he wants to change his dull quite life He wants more and he wants it now! Men have their issues when they are 40's I heard I forget what the call that thing, but they tend to do reckless stuff when they hit 40's Re: the age and suddenly realizing he's at midlife... Look - the truth is - I am in the same situation as him. It's easy for younger people to mock and criticize us in our 40s who were a little commitment phobic, picky, had bad luck in relationships, issues and whatnot. Yes, some of us reach 40 and suddenly realize time is running out. And we want to do something before it's too late (at least too late for biological children or so - yes, some people want them and I don't see anything wrong with it). Btw - he was married before. They found out she could not have children, but they divorced for other reasons. He had a few relationships after that as well, it's not like he was partying in a midlife crisis or so. But my point is, it's fair to realize in your 40s that you are running against time and do something about it. What can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Give up? I don't think so. It happens, for diverse reasons. 2
TheGuard13 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I don't see the issue here. He feels like his time is running out, and he doesn't want to waste any more of it. Talking about marriage and children and feeling out what the other person wants out of life is completely normal, as long as they're not saying "You know, we should get married". This guy knows what he wants. What do you want? 1
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 why are you not in a rush? early 40s and still want a baby? I'd say you would want to be pregnant in a year or so. If that's the time frame, then it's best to see as quickly as possible whether this thing has potential. I don't find buying you some jewelry now is absurdly fast. Marriage or any other major commitment, ok, that you should probably wait half a year or so, but other than that: get to know each other as quickly as possible, that year will be over in heartbeat, and there's so much to learn about each other! Don't forget: he has plenty of time left, he's probably in a rush because he knows you don't have that much left, and he likes you better than the younger models that crossed his path. Well I am in a rush to be honest, and yes I do have a sense of urgency. I've been dating for 2-3 years since my divorce and it's been hard to find someone suitable. And when someone like this appears when I had started to lose my hope in finding someone I liked... it's kind of scary. Also, a few people here talked about commitment phobia, which honestly I'm just realizing I might have. As per your other comment, you're right. He hasn't proposed yet, officially, but he does talk about marriage and kids. And a life together. It's pretty clear he wants it all (unless like other posters hinted, he is the crash and burn type which is impossible to tell so far). Re: other's comments here, for some people a baby shouldn't be a priority, but for me, I would LOVE to have at least one biological child... Shoot me if you don't think it's important, lol. Of course I won't just do it with anyone for the sake of it. I have to feel it's the right person and I have to be in love. So I do need to get to know him more. I mostly cared about career my whole life... guess what? Career doesn't bring happiness. It won't hug you at night or give love back to you.
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) I think NoProblem hit it on the nose. This guy is all of a sudden realizing that he hasn't done what most of his other male friends have done - settled down and had kids. There are a lot of men in their late 40's who suddenly decide it's time to settle down and have the kids they should have had 10 or 15 years ago, and now they're 53 years old, divorced, and on a dating site whining that no one will date them because they're over 50 with 3 kids under the age of 6. Ugh. I've met his type SO many times. It's not so much that you're 'it.' He's in a rush to settle down and do the kid thing and you're a good enough candidate to fill the bill. That's why he's putting all his efforts into you. It's so classic. There's something in what you're saying, but the thing is his situation is also happening with me. I am also running against time. Not everyone meets the right person at 25 and gets a fairytale life. I am not sure if I am not it. The combo we both bring to the table is hard to find: same religion, alternative lifestyles (into goth stuff, music), artistic. It's almost impossible to find the 3 in the same person, I've been trying for 3 years in a major city and did not find it. He feels the same. As I said, he's been dating. He was married before. And he lived with someone else up to a year ago. It's not like he didn't have any options. He says he never met the right person. Oh well. My concern is not that... I am concerned that in spite of all the similarities, we might find out we are not the right fit for each other... but too late. Because the right relationship is not only about interests and shared life goals (which we obviously also have), it's also about knowing if you get along in a normal, daily relationship. I'm afraid I'll realize later that we don't and that he's not right. Edited April 5, 2013 by edgygirl
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I was going to say this, too. You need to see him in context (and he you) as much and as soon as possible. If you want to fast-track this, then it mightn't be a bad idea to see a marriage counsellor who can help both of you clarify your goals, expectations, and establish good communication and problem solving. And if you're serious about having a child and time is running out, then the only way you can really get to know him better and fast is for both of you to live in the same town. Good luck! Yes you and Sole Mate are right. He's asked if I would move to his city (another country nearby), but I am stuck in my city due to a visa thing for this year. So he said he'd be willing to come spend Summer in my city with me to see if we get along. Might be a good idea. Uh, so scary though... Thanks for the wishes!
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I don't see the issue here. He feels like his time is running out, and he doesn't want to waste any more of it. Talking about marriage and children and feeling out what the other person wants out of life is completely normal, as long as they're not saying "You know, we should get married". This guy knows what he wants. What do you want? Thank you. You might be right. I think, as a culture, we all just got full of issues relationship-wise and lost the natural track, which should actually be sincere, as in, discussing wishes, the future and marriage, which should be a natural thing, not a weird thing. Society told us in the past decades to hide and hold our feelings so we don't appear to be "crazy". To be honest, although I'm scared, it's so liberating to be able to hear someone being open about all this. I wish everyone could talk openly. It would make things easier for all of us. I want... what he wants. I just have to find out if it's not a bad idea with him, if he's right for me and if I won't regret it later by making decisions and plans in just a few months of knowing him.
TheGuard13 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 He seems like a guy that plans. I don't think there's any issue with having a plan. Doesn't mean you can't change the plan if need be. I wouldn't get married three months in, but I don't see anything wrong with saying to each other, "This is good, if it continues to go well, let's consider getting married and having kids" in X timeframe. That's what most people do and how most people proceed anyway, this guy is just saying it up front. 1
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 He seems like a guy that plans. I don't think there's any issue with having a plan. Doesn't mean you can't change the plan if need be. I wouldn't get married three months in, but I don't see anything wrong with saying to each other, "This is good, if it continues to go well, let's consider getting married and having kids" in X timeframe. That's what most people do and how most people proceed anyway, this guy is just saying it up front. Yes I agree. Just curious: are you a man or woman? Around what age group? The thing is most people on the internet (and in life!) say it's wrong to know too fast. That there must be something wrong with people who do. The truth is most my long term relationships, I knew pretty fast it could work as well. The ones I had to think too much, were not it.
Recommended Posts