edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) It's been a while since I posted or been here but I need some advice. Hope everyone is well I met a man and the situation is intriguing me. We've met around 2 weeks ago when I was visiting his city, while visiting part of my family. I was there one week and we went on 2 night dates and one coffee date on my last day there. He's been in contact everyday, the whole day through messaging and phone calls. He keeps saying he likes me, and misses me. He's around my age (early 40s), divorced as me, no children. We have the same taste in music (same scene), in sex (haven't done anything but talked about), and he wants to get married and a family. We're the same religion. He said he understands I want the same things as him and said he wants these things with me. Now... it's kind of scary that he's so upfront and decided so fast about wanting me and knowing I'm the right one for him. We do seem to have many things in common, same interests and goals in life, there's attraction but I never seen someone being so fast. I inquired him about it, and he said we're not kids, he knows what he wants and he never met someone like me. He also mentioned he knows I only have 1-2 years to have a baby and he's up for it and wants it. Total red flag or... it happens? Someone in my family told me she met her husband 25 years ago on a Tuesday, they went on a date on Thursday and been together since that day. That her husband told her he knew she was the one the day they met. My parents also got engaged after a month (many decades ago) but well, in their case I am not sure they're that compatible although they're still together. I am trying to understand if I should run... or if this could be normal for a guy this age. He has most qualities I like although, it seems, not an established career. He is actually going back to grad school for a second career change this year (career that pays very well). He said he can support a family though and a baby as he has saved investments as well. What do you guys think? He's coming to my city to see me in a week. Whole thing is making me nervous though as he keeps pressuring me to say if I see us together and if I like him etc. I keep explaining that I need more time and things don't work this way. He's already trying to convince me to move to his city in the future. Oh well. Any good advice? Would be nice to hear what guys around that age think about it. I mean... could this guy be desperate or something like that? Or it happens that people know what they are looking for and know when they see it? He says he never met someone like me and that I check all the qualities he always looked for in life. edit: male haters of older women - please DO NOT reply. your opinion is useless. go to the next thread Edited April 5, 2013 by edgygirl
frazzled12 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) I think he sounds charming but since you really hardly know him then your best bet is to take it slow. I think if he is being considerate of your feelings then he would understand. You should say something along the lines of..."I really like you and feel we could really hit it off. I am open to being in an exclusive relationship with you but how would you feel about getting to know each other a little bit more." I think saying something like that would help him see you are interested but you are smart to also be cautious. These days you have to be cautious and most importantly you need to protect your heart. Edited April 5, 2013 by frazzled12 typo
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 In my experience, men that come on that strong are crash and burn 9
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Thank you frazzled, great advice. That's actually more or less what I told him a few times but the weird thing is, he seems to accept it ("okay, I understand" etc) and then a day later he goes back to try and decipher again where my feelings are. If he could only stop talking about it... it would make it easier for my feelings to grow perhaps, more naturally. It's funny because that's what I've been looking for - a guy who is open about his feelings, who likes me a lot and wants the same things, and when I get it I feel a slight panic attack and feeling like it's a big red flag...
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Thank you frazzled, great advice. That's actually more or less what I told him a few times but the weird thing is, he seems to accept it ("okay, I understand" etc) and then a day later he goes back to try and decipher again where my feelings are. If he could only stop talking about it... it would make it easier for my feelings to grow perhaps, more naturally. It's funny because that's what I've been looking for - a guy who is open about his feelings, who likes me a lot and wants the same things, and when I get it I feel a slight panic attack and feeling like it's a big red flag... Are you attracted to him?
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Yes I know that this is a very strong possibility :/ I wonder if men who do it in general and then burn have some type of mental problem as a common denominator. In my experience, men that come on that strong are crash and burn
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I am. He's not exactly my usual type but has a lot of characteristics I like looks-wise (tall, on the big side, a few tattoos). edit: Eternal Sunshine, you're looking great, love the new haircut Are you attracted to him?
CptSaveAho Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Yes I know that this is a very strong possibility :/ I wonder if men who do it in general and then burn have some type of mental problem as a common denominator. 100% possibility Same thing as women that do this.... can't be alone.... big time future fake
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 100% possibility Same thing as women that do this.... can't be alone.... big time future fake Ugh yes future faker can come to mind... But why get on a plane to see someone and go through the whole trouble? He could do it in his city. And his staying in a hotel in my city. Prob $300 a night. Sounds kind of stupid no?
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Yes I know that this is a very strong possibility :/ I wonder if men who do it in general and then burn have some type of mental problem as a common denominator. I think that these men are looking to fill some kind of void in their lives. He doesn't know you so he is likely projecting all kinds of dream characteristics on to you. Once he gets to know you and realises that you have some flaws, he is likely to cool off/lose interest. Also, most commitment phobes actually come on this strong. I don't want to be all doom and gloom, I know there are exceptions, just my own experiences and what I read on LS haven't been great in that scenario. 2
frazzled12 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Thank you frazzled, great advice. That's actually more or less what I told him a few times but the weird thing is, he seems to accept it ("okay, I understand" etc) and then a day later he goes back to try and decipher again where my feelings are. If he could only stop talking about it... it would make it easier for my feelings to grow perhaps, more naturally. It's funny because that's what I've been looking for - a guy who is open about his feelings, who likes me a lot and wants the same things, and when I get it I feel a slight panic attack and feeling like it's a big red flag... I think the next step is to trust your gut and your feelings (don't ignore them). If you already told him that you want to take it slow and he is still pressuring you that is another issue to deal with. It sounds like he is trying to get his way. He needs to show he respects your decision if he wants you to stick around. You could also ask him why is he in such a hurry? It is not like you have rejected him.
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I think that these men are looking to fill some kind of void in their lives. He doesn't know you so he is likely projecting all kinds of dream characteristics on to you. Once he gets to know you and realises that you have some flaws, he is likely to cool off/lose interest. Also, most commitment phobes actually come on this strong. I don't want to be all doom and gloom, I know there are exceptions, just my own experiences and what I read on LS haven't been great in that scenario. Yeah that's why I have the (probably bad) behavior of always showing all my bad side right away. It kind of happens unconsciously, it's like a trick I do to see if someone is REALLY interested. The funny thing is I do show him I have slight pessimistic tendencies and he is good at putting me in my place and bring me back to reality. But yes you obviously could be right about him being a commitment-phobe etc although he was living with someone up to a year ago. Well that's why people say get to know someone well before getting sucked into something... 1
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I think the next step is to trust your gut and your feelings (don't ignore them). If you already told him that you want to take it slow and he is still pressuring you that is another issue to deal with. It sounds like he is trying to get his way. He needs to show he respects your decision if he wants you to stick around. You could also ask him why is he in such a hurry? It is not like you have rejected him. I think the truth is he wants to have at least 1 baby (as me) and he knows my time is running out. In a way, I know it all sounds crazy, but if he's being truthful, it's kind of considerate of him. Wow can't believe I am saying this. hahaha.
xxoo Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Listen to your gut. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable doing (moving, eloping, getting pregnant). If he is ok with dating for a few months, I don't see any reason not to do that. If he disregards your concerns and pushes for more, sooner, then that IS a red flag for sure. Whatever you do, there is no reason to get married or pregnant within the next 6 months. Don't be hasty. Allow yourselves to get to know each other! 1
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) Listen to your gut. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable doing (moving, eloping, getting pregnant). If he is ok with dating for a few months, I don't see any reason not to do that. If he disregards your concerns and pushes for more, sooner, then that IS a red flag for sure. Whatever you do, there is no reason to get married or pregnant within the next 6 months. Don't be hasty. Allow yourselves to get to know each other! Thank you xxoo. You are right. Dating until I get what the deal with him is. He just sent me a text telling me he saw a piece of jewelry in the mall and he got me as a gift. Tooooo fast. Oh my. *running for the hills* edit: I told him it's too early for him to be buying things, and that he should not feel like he has to be buying me stuff, and he says it was just a gift and seems a bit offended and told me to forget about it. I really don't know how to deal with this :/ Edited April 5, 2013 by edgygirl
pbjbear Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Thank you frazzled, great advice. That's actually more or less what I told him a few times but the weird thing is, he seems to accept it ("okay, I understand" etc) and then a day later he goes back to try and decipher again where my feelings are. If he could only stop talking about it... it would make it easier for my feelings to grow perhaps, more naturally. It's funny because that's what I've been looking for - a guy who is open about his feelings, who likes me a lot and wants the same things, and when I get it I feel a slight panic attack and feeling like it's a big red flag... I hear ya, but I think youd prefer one who is open about feelings, likes you alot and wants the same things....but also doesnt rush things! Things would be different if he hadnt done this last part.
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I hear ya, but I think youd prefer one who is open about feelings, likes you alot and wants the same things....but also doesnt rush things! Things would be different if he hadnt done this last part. Yes exactly. The rushing part is quite scary :/
Green Light Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I think that these men are looking to fill some kind of void in their lives. I think it's safe to assume that many men would like to fill a "void"! 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Well, he could also be just emotionally unstable/insane :S (re:your post about jewelry) BTW just saw your compliment, thanks that's very sweet of you to say
frazzled12 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) Ok now it makes a little bit of more sense. He wants to really start a family which is a great thing if both of you are ready. It seems that age can be a factor in his hastiness, that makes things a bit clearer. But still you should wait until you get to know him a little better. And if it is in the cards to have your own biological children you will, women in their 40's are having healthy babies nowadays. Edited April 5, 2013 by frazzled12 typo 1
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Ok now it makes a little bit of more sense. He wants to really start a family which is a great thing if both of you are ready. It seems that age can be a factor in his hastiness, that makes things a bit clearer. But still you should wait until you get to know him a little better. And if it is in the cards to have your own biological children you will, women in their 40's are having healthy babies nowadays. Yeah in one hand I feel it's not too crazy, but in the other I am so used to a*holes and guys who don't know what they want, and of course reading online forums... it seems like a red flag. Let's see. He does seem like a good guy though.
Woggle Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Deep down you are probably more commitment phobic than you think. 2
Author edgygirl Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Deep down you are probably more commitment phobic than you think. BINGO. Ugh. 1
frazzled12 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Yeah in one hand I feel it's not too crazy, but in the other I am so used to a*holes and guys who don't know what they want, and of course reading online forums... it seems like a red flag. Let's see. He does seem like a good guy though. Getting to know him slowly will give you more information on his true nature and character.
todreaminblue Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 It happens....anythign is possible....lots of people meet differently some know right off hand some dont and it takes time.....i dont think its all that unusual when you are older you know what you want and who you want that life with thats my opinion...its not teen rules...or wait until you mature...should be already there and reached maturity..what is important is both feel the same way, similar values ideals religion....all good..deb
Recommended Posts