Need

[laura22]

Hi ..new to this forum. I am in a real bind. I reunited with a former colleague on facebook recently. I asked for professional help and he continued to "message" me. Well, one thing led to another in these chats and it got quite physical. The man has a ton of money -- house in the Hamptons and dates models etc. However, he and I only met once a few years back.

 

He invited me to his house in the hamptons for 3 days. Despite my repeated attempts of telling him "i'm not that kind of girl"...our texts are very physical. We haven't talked much on the phone...and most of his texts are pictures of his body...etc. I freaked out and told him recently that I just felt too vulnerable to come..and he said that I was overreacting..that we can have fun in texts..but that he will be a gentleman. Well, I agreed to go and the night before I left I got into a bad car accident. I couldn't go...then the following weekend was Easter and he wanted me to leave my son ....to come visit him. I didn't -- told him I needed to spend time with him.

 

Well, now this weekend...it's planned. I'm supposed to leave in the morning and I'm terrified. I feel awful...because I don't want to let him down...but I just can't get past my fears. I don't htink he's a predator or anything..but I do think that he's going to find a way into my knickers!

 

So.....I want to back out...it's a 6 hour flight each way. I don't know how to back out now though...I feel awful. He's going to be angry that AGAIN i'm not coming...... even though the first time was a car accident. I just feel like i've strung him along...because I truly thought I could do this.. but I'm staring down the barrel of a gun and I don't feell I can hack it.

 

What should I do?

[Lani]

That is a pickle. But one you've gotten yourself into.

 

Yes, he will find a way into your knickers, because you've led him to believe that he can. Saying 'I'm not that kind of girl' and then sending risque texts? How is he supposed to believe you?

I'm not saying that he's going to do anything against your will, but he'll sure as hell try and in the end, I think he'll make you want it.

 

You need to either go, and be prepared for all of that. Or you need to say you can't go, and not speak to him again.

[chelsea2011]

Hey, there is no reason on this earth that you should go if you don't want to. Just because the guy has money doesn't mean he has power over you. You DO NOT have to sacrifice who you are for the sake of someone who has money. Especially if he uses his money like like a kid shopping in a candy store and is picking his flavor of the moment...eww.

[laura22]

Yes it is my fault. And I've even said that several times.. That I was feeling vulnerable etc... He has always talked me down etc reassured me.

 

I hOnestly have offered to fly there and just go to dinner.. And I will just fly back. I need him to know I'm interested but not going to jump into bed with him. However tonight he texted me a picture of his pe&is.. And said its waiting for me. This despite the fact I have said I was worried we were so physical.

 

I truly want a relationship but this seems to be all about sex now..

 

Yesterday he told me that it won't be a sex festival and he will let me make all the moves. Etc.

 

But how do I get off a plane and into his car/home for 3 days? He's hot. That's not a question. But he has been a bit selfish and narcassistic.

 

Could I just offer.. Dinner and them leaving?

[Lani]

I don't think you should go at all...

This guy doesn't seem to be wanting a relationship from you.

 

I'm sorry

[chelsea2011]

No, I think just dinner and leaving went out of the window with his penis pic. The bigger question is why do you want a relationship with this guy if he makes you uncomfortable? Is it because he has money? It doesn't make him a good person by the way...he's just a guy with money and that's it. You should have refused his sexual advances right away. Going on a three day visit is not a good idea if you are not in a mutually exclusive relationship where you both know one another. It's just not.

[laura22]

Well I am going to be the bad guy .. Canceling tonight...

 

He knows I had major work drama today and he also knows (and advised) that I was going to call in sick to cOme to him. He knew I was unable to get off work. So I told him tonight I was concerned about calling in sick when I was already dealing with issues with my boss today. He did not respond to my text message. So I'm guessing he sees this coming.

 

I just feel bad because I have not been strong with my boundaries and have given mixed signals. So how do I overcome that?

 

Yesterday I gave him backlash because I texted him good news about a job interview and he said yeah that's great.. Now drop your pants and snap a picture.

 

 

When I told him that wasn't nice he called me and laughed.. Said its just his sense of humor. I think he is partially right but it's still very rude.

[laura22]

How can I get away with telling him I can't come .. Because I'm upset with his peni& picture tonight... Knowing I've sent lewd photos before? Although after I did it I told him I regretted it and hoped he knew that.. I was too caught up in the moment. I even tried to end it by telling him that we were in diff places in our lives.. And we live 3k miles from each other.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you have been pressured into this. The guy has encouraged and turned discussions into sexual ones. It's difficult to know what to do when a guy does this, especially if he's someone you might consider for a relationship if he were more of a gent. It doesn't sound as if you were too happy about the way messages went but went along with it.

 

It's best avoiding guys who do that, unless you want them and think this behaviour is OK (personally, I don't even with guys I might have been attracted to). You didn't need to agree to see him, but were tempted. I think now it's dawning on you that this guy has salacious manners and that all along he was very much indicating how he saw you, and it wasn't as a colleague or friend.

 

If you go, you are putting yourself into an awkward situation. You do not have to go. You are an adult who can decide that you don't like the way it's going and his behaviour. So what if he's angry? If a guy persists in turning things sexual, even if the woman resists, then he's only got himself to blame if she finally opts out. Let him be angry - maybe he'll learn it's pointless trying to pressure women to fulfill his fantasies.

[spiderowl]

How can I get away with telling him I can't come .. Because I'm upset with his peni& picture tonight... Knowing I've sent lewd photos before? Although after I did it I told him I regretted it and hoped he knew that.. I was too caught up in the moment. I even tried to end it by telling him that we were in diff places in our lives.. And we live 3k miles from each other.

The guy is just a sleaze. He's totally ignored everything you've said and where you've expressed your reservations. You tell him your good news and he says something lewd; what kind of genuine, caring guy does that?

 

Just because the guy is physically attractive and has money, it does not make him a good guy. What are the qualities you would want from a 'good guy'? Make a list then check him against the list. Does he fit? I bet he doesn't, e.g.

 

1) Treats me with respect - Nope

2) Cares about me - Nope

3) Listens to me and understands how I feel about things - Nope

4) Is tender and subtle when it comes to sex - Nope

5) Wants a long-term relationship with me - Nope, he wants to show me his penis

6) Is faithful - Nope, he probably send his penis picture to loads of women, those who don't block him once they realise what he's like

7) Is not selfish - Nope

 

No decent guy sends a woman unsolicited penis pictures. I can assure you of this.

[laura22]

It's just tough since I have definitely caused my own problems. I should have been stronger and detoured all of this long ago. Yes I have raised my objections but I was not strong enough.

 

So my flight leaves tomorrow Morning. I'm not going. He's already asleep and I will have to text him my update. Here's what I need to know. What is proper for me to say? He's very successful and significant in my profession. So I want to be as good of a person as I can... Regardless of his peni$ pictures.

[sabre80]

YOU"RE NOT THE BAD GUY! It is VERY VERY clear he wants you to come to him so he can have sex with you and then boot you to the curb after he gets what he wants. You should not concern yourself with what he thinks. He will not be devastated. Angry maybe that his sure lay is not so sure anymore but he will move on and send penis pics to someone else.

 

Well I am going to be the bad guy .. Canceling tonight...

 

He knows I had major work drama today and he also knows (and advised) that I was going to call in sick to cOme to him. He knew I was unable to get off work. So I told him tonight I was concerned about calling in sick when I was already dealing with issues with my boss today. He did not respond to my text message. So I'm guessing he sees this coming.

 

I just feel bad because I have not been strong with my boundaries and have given mixed signals. So how do I overcome that?

 

Yesterday I gave him backlash because I texted him good news about a job interview and he said yeah that's great.. Now drop your pants and snap a picture.

 

 

When I told him that wasn't nice he called me and laughed.. Said its just his sense of humor. I think he is partially right but it's still very rude.

[outsidethebox]

You want something from a sleazebag. As long as you want something, he's going to try to use you.

 

Everything has a price.

 

All you can do is act like the professional he isn't and tell him you can't take time off while your employment situation is the way it is.

 

Period.

[MidwestUSA]

It's just tough since I have definitely caused my own problems. I should have been stronger and detoured all of this long ago. Yes I have raised my objections but I was not strong enough.

 

So my flight leaves tomorrow Morning. I'm not going. He's already asleep and I will have to text him my update. Here's what I need to know. What is proper for me to say? He's very successful and significant in my profession. So I want to be as good of a person as I can... Regardless of his peni$ pictures.

You only have to be a good person to yourself. Simply do not go, do not text him with an update. I have to ask why you feel compelled to explain yourself to this sleaze bag. Is he in possession of pictures that he could use against you somehow? If so, this is a tough lesson to learn, but you may have to take your lumps as they come. Change your phone number if necessary. Do NOT communicate with him again!

[laura22]

I apologized and told him last night via text that I just could come because of calling in sick. I told him it just couldn't happen that way... I apologized profusely and then told him I understood if he was sick of all my last minute cancellations (car accident) and wanted to move On. He said he understood I was in a tough spot... And could wait until I came to town in 2 weeks for business. However he is texting this am about how sad he is and asked if my friend I was talking to this am... Told me that HE was a saint.. Cause he's putting up with all of this.

[MidwestUSA]

I apologized and told him last night via text that I just could come because of calling in sick. I told him it just couldn't happen that way... I apologized profusely and then told him I understood if he was sick of all my last minute cancellations (car accident) and wanted to move On. He said he understood I was in a tough spot... And could wait until I came to town in 2 weeks for business. However he is texting this am about how sad he is and asked if my friend I was talking to this am... Told me that HE was a saint.. Cause he's putting up with all of this.

So now you're in for a hookup in two weeks. Perhaps I misunderstood when I thought you did not want to go through with meeting him at all? Pack some good kink stuff in your bag, and make sure a few people at home know exactly where you will be. Enjoy!

[laura22]

No no.. I don't want to get together. HE knew I was going to be in town so he is extending his offer to me. He just wants to make me feel guilty.

 

He just texted about how alone he feels right now.

[MidwestUSA]

You're investing a lot of energy into someone you don't want to be involved with. He's lonely, so what?

[Noproblem]

By the way:

The car accident was a sign to tell you not to go

Call it God, angels or any other power out there

By the way:

Rich guys are used to girls giving them what they need, if you really want to hook him, don't give him what he wants, don't be a pawn; be the queen that he'll postpone everything just to go to her place and see her!

You are terified because you know something is wrong....stop being afraid of his reaction and care for yourself only!

Rich or not! You are better than him!!!!!!!

 

Don't be intimaded by ANY MAN!!!!!! OK

Be BOlD

Edited April 5, 2013 by Noproblem

[spiderowl]

I'd suggest you just opt out by saying you don't think it's a good idea to get involved and that you are going to concentrate on work instead, then just leave it at that. Be unavailable afterwards. Believe me, he's probably used to women opting out!

[sabre80]

What ever happened to the goold ol days where a man would wine and dine a woman at least a few times before expecting her to put out. Even the coldest of players put SOME effort it. Now they expect women to just hop on.

[dasein]

Wow at this forum sometimes. Nothing in OP suggests any kind of "sleazy" "dirtbag" behavior by this guy, just texts that got physical that OP could have objected to at any time. If he had been lewd entirely of his own, might understand, but "got physical" implies very clearly that OP was enjoying this aspect also or she would have posted as much.

 

OP, he's interested in you more than sexually IMO because men with tons of money, places in the Hamptons and model GFs generally don't put in the effort he has to get you together time after time. He may have good memories of you from the past, or whatever, but it seems he genuinely likes you.

 

And the "he will find some way into my pants?" you aren't a helpless baby are you? Aren't you an adult woman fully capable of determining whether your pants are "got into" or not? If you like him meet him, if not, don't, but the characterizations of this guy in the thread are ridiculous IMO.

[curlygirl40]

OP I think you just need to decide what you want out of this and then act accordingly.

 

If you want a relationship with him, and you think that potential is there, then this is no way to start a relationship. Sexting, talk of sex, going there for three days when you know he's expecting sex. It's not going to work.

 

If you decide that you have no interest in him at all anymore, then you just need to let him down gently. Don't make plans and cancel them. Just tell him you're no longer interested or something along those lines. Anything else will just drag this out further.

 

I agree with Dasein inthat you are the one who can decide who's peni& goes into who's vajaja. However, we all know here that if you were to go, you would sleep with him. It will just go there, I think you know that.

 

That's not a reflection on you, it's just that it will happen. How many LS threads have started with 'I went to his place and we were just going to talk/watch a movie/have a pizza/kiss but we slept together and now he's acting distant what do I do?'.

 

My rule is to just not put myself in that position unless I'm ready to sleep with the guy.

 

I am among the camp that thinks he's being disrespectful.

 

The biggest takaway is this. Your spidey senses are up for a reason. Listen to your gut. If you're uncomfortable, don't put yourself in that situation with him.

 

If you're going to be in the same town and he wants to do dinner, if you want to meet up with him then do dinner. If you don't want to sleep with him, then public places only for now.

 

Simple. Slow it down.