damnedifido Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 (Also posted (modified) in Friends and Lovers but no replies so...) In summary. I met someone incredible while in a broken relationship. We became friends. I confided in her (because the same r'ship problems happened to her). We became closer. I fell for her, strongly - idiot that I am. I admitted my feelings - I had no choice (it was a necessary part of counselling) - and the friendship broke down for a while. Then things improved between us. Then she snapped - I was "too focused on her, not my g/f" - and broke all contact. Then we met again months later. Things began frostily, then improved and then disintegrated completely. I never was told the reason why. I can only speculate. Were I to ask her why, I would be hit with an angry response which would mention "drama". (In my view any "drama" is caused by a lack of willingness to talk like adults). She unfriended me on FB. Though we "see" each other twice a week (socially) our eyes (deliberately) never meet. There is total blanking. It is a painful experience and I am constantly reminded of the friendship which once was and is no longer there (and which made me fall for her). The tension is palpable. I am terrified of making an approach as I fear it will be open to the worst possible interpretation. We ended up at a dance together the other week and she physically moved away from me on the dance floor. Horrible. She has replied only once to my (infrequent) text messages. (Saying she is "glad" I finally gained the courage to end my broken r'ship). I'm not going to pretend I don't still have feelings for her, but it would take reciprocation on her part for that to mean anything. I fell for my friend because of the incredible person she is and I really, really miss that person. In addition, we have a shared circle of friends. It may have been "inappropriate" when I was in the dying embers of my relationship, but I am now (recently) single - she knows this - and I am desperate for us to at least be civil to each other. I would love more of course, but I'm very much resigned to that not happening. Besides, I have no control over that - I don't understand why she can't see that. She is in control, not me. I'm not going to jump her! Is there any hope for us speaking to each other again? How do I make an approach when all trust is evidently lost? Thanks.
SpiralOut Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 The only way to regain her trust is to show her that you respect her wishes. That means waiting for her to approach you, if she chooses to do so. Keep busy with other people.
The Outlaw Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 She could simply be in a state of shock over how you feel and still be trying to soak it in, but if the friendship means as much to her as it does to you, she'll come around. You've done what you can do and now it's up to her. I lost a friend over similar reasons a long time ago but I never confided in her about them, but she found out and gave me the cold shoulder and had little to do with me after that despite I put my best foot forward. But at least you were honest with her about it and if she can't accept that, as much as it will suck and won't be easy, move on. Moving forward despite the obstacles we face is always best than staying behind.
Author damnedifido Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Thanks both. I know you're right. Part of me thinks if she ever truly cared she wouldn't have reacted like this. The other half knows that she has been treated very badly in the past, has real trust issues as a result and is inclined to walk away from anything complicated. I suspect getting close to someone coming out of a 10+ yr relationship falls under the "complicated" banner ;-) I just don't want to have to start over when it comes to my social circle. I enjoy what I do in my social life and the friends I have made. I just wish she and I could reach some middle ground. This ought to be possible, irrespective of any feelings on either side. We are mature adults, not children.
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