Why Does She Treat Me Like This?

[russellfitch1980]

I've been with my girlfriend now for a little over 6 months and we both love each other and started saying it about 3 months into our relationship. I'm 23 and she is 21. I know were not going to break up or anything and I'm not planning on leaving her because I care greatly for her and I'm pretty positive she might be the one. She has told me the same thing numerous times. I know it's a little early to say that, but we both truly feel the same way about each other and get along great! This is where my only concern is....she tells me all the time how much she loves me, how I'm the one, how well I treat her, how happy I make her, how much she loves our sex and when we make love, and she tells me that I'm her everything. Sometimes though she treats me like crap and at times she knows this but is too stubborn to apologize. I have never once cancelled plans with her except for one time when I was sick and had some sort of stomach virus.

 

She cancels on me all the time and always blames it on school and how she is tired and stressed from it. I know she is telling me the truth and stuff, because she is taking 6 classes this semester one of them being an online class. I have given her space and allowed her to have so much time to do her homework. This was going great for awhile, but had its fair share of ups and downs. When we hang out everything is fine and we have no complaints or arguments at all. For instance today, we were supposed to go to dinner and watch a movie after, and she was going to spend the night at my house. She cancelled again, blamed it on school and how she needed to get sleep for work in the morning with her aunt.

 

My problem is I can always tell when she is planning on canceling plans. She will do the same thing every time...she is really nice to me especially when we text...puts smiley faces in everything and tells me how much she misses me and how she loves me. Then even at school she offered to bring me a slice of pizza after my class. In my head I was like ok, she is probably going to cancel tonight....what do you know and hour later when we met up she explained that she had a lot of homework to do and how her aunt needed her to go into work earlier and she needed sleep. If this is the case then tell me straight up!! I hate when she does this stuff...makes me feel like she is using me or that I'm some sort of idiot. When I try and tell her the things she does wrong she gets mad at me and never considers my opinion.

 

For instance, I told her that she needs to realize that her actions affect me and it puts strain on our relationship when she does this to me. We will plan great evenings or days and then she cancels. She doesn't do it too often, but she has done it quite a bit the last month or so...give or take 3 or 4 times. Then she knows I get mad and she's like your mad at me...I know it. But she doesn't apologize....Why?? The last thing is, she never cancels plans with her friends. I feel that she knows I'm always going to be there with her so she knows she can get away with canceling plans with me sometimes. I work around my schedule so much for her and try and be with her as much as I can. She never works with her schedule and we only hang out the days when it's most convenient for her. But yet she tells me all the time she would do anything for me and tells me I'm her everything and how she loves me more than anything...what should I do? I need some advice. What does everyone think? Thanks

[hannah11]

The relationship seems one sided. You are doing all the work and going through all the effort to make it work and she is being flaky and noncommittal. I'm not sure exactly why she does that. But you said it was more recent that she started doing it, so maybe she is just getting scared or realizing she isn't ready for anything super serious, by deciding when you guys spend time together she feels in control. By feeling in control maybe it helps her avoid losing control and falling madly in love with you.

 

I don't know, she is only 21, still technically the partying stage in life, and you say she never cancels her plans with friends and it's usually just with you. You also said you can tell when she is going to cancel, either she doesn't want to hang out with you, has other plans already and doesn't want to say it to your face, or she is cheating on you. I don't want you to jump to any conclusions though and go destroy your whole relationship. Shes probably not cheating on you.

 

Just ask her what's up. If she always blows you off every time you try talking about it, then there are some communication issues with your relationship and communication is a huge part of relationships. You should be able to talk to your bf/gf/significant other about anything. Weather it be fighting or talking or whatever, but if she blows you off and avoids the topic then I would suggest you just break up with her. Seriously I think people over complicate a lot of things in life, especially relationships and love. I think it's fairly simple, if things aren't working out, and both people involved aren't willing to work through it, then just end it.

 

Please don't take anything that I say to heart, I'm young stupid and still have a lot to learn myself. Good luck with your girlfriend! Try doing something super special and out of the blue, and make it like a last second plan so that she has no way of canceling, and no excuses. Some random surprise! I don't know though...some girls don't like surprises haha.

[russellfitch1980]

Yea, I don't think she is cheating on me at all. I mean she always tells me what her plans are and whenever she plans on hanging out with her friends she tells me who she's hanging out with and what they are doing...most of the times its with her girl friends. There hasn't been a time when she is with guys unless its at school on her break with a certain study group. She does text her guy friends quite frequently but has told me that most of the time it is school related and she doesn't see them in that way at all. She tells me that I'm the only one for her and she refers to me in her future quite a lot so I don't think she would risk anything. Honestly I think she is being selfish and she knows it and knows that she can get away with it.

 

It's just frustrating and I wish I could talk to her about it now, but I'm giving her till the end of the semester to finish up with her classes because we are planning a week trip to north carolina after the semester ends. I do surprise her a lot and she loves it! But at times I feel she takes me for granted. It's just frustrating to have her tell me that she loves me because I care so much for her and treat her well, and make her happy and all that stuff. Then she tells me that she would do anything for me, but I feel its just words and no actions when it comes down to it. I talked to her last night on the phone for awhile and like I said she skipped out on me to do homework, clean her room, then get sleep for work with her aunt in the morning. I asked her if she cleaned her room and she laughed and said no I didn't get around to it, probably never will. I felt like saying what is your problem! You cancelled plans with me to clean your room, do homework, and sleep and you did none of these things. You just messed around and did what you wanted.

 

I even asked her if she just wanted alone time for the night, and she said no, I wish you were here with me....and in my head I was like well...we should be together tonight because that is what we planned on doing. Maybe I will give her more time to finish the semester up and stuff. She does take this relationship very seriously and has already told me that she has fallen madly in love with me and there is no one else for her except for me....she just has an odd way of showing it

[mammasita]

Why is she doing this to you?

 

Because you're allowing it. I'm gonna be a little blunt here, and I don't mean to offend you - but dammit, grow some cojones and show/tell her that the way she treats you is unacceptable.

 

If you don't do it now, it will get worse. I promise.

[NervisPervis]

What is she doing when she hangs out with her friends? What kinds of things does she do with them that are so much better than what she does with you?

[hannah11]

Why is she doing this to you?

 

Because you're allowing it. I'm gonna be a little blunt here, and I don't mean to offend you - but dammit, grow some cojones and show/tell her that the way she treats you is unacceptable.

 

If you don't do it now, it will get worse. I promise.

 

So incredibly well put. I agree, you need to just straight up tell her. She is taking you for granted and if you keep letting her then she is just going to get so much worse. She basically thinks she can do whatever she wants and you will still be there for her, and she knows it.

[russellfitch1980]

Yea I know I need to grow some balls and tell her what she is doing is wrong, it's just hard too because I feel that she doesn't take what I say seriously...like for instance today I told her that I feel she needs to communicate with me more especially when she is out with friends. She is the type of person that believes she shouldn't text when she is around her friends because she doesn't want to be rude. But when she is with me she text people pretty frequently, and I have the feeling at times when she is with her friends she is also texting her other friends and ignoring me...but who knows. When I told her how I felt she was like communicate with you more? I don't enough already? I said "Well when your out with your friends you will go hours without texting me back and I don't think thats fair to me." Her response was...."Well you know how I am especially around my friends, I don't want to be rude."

 

Also when she is with her friends they do normal stuff I guess, go grab food, hang out, watch a movie or t.v. Thank god her friends that she hangs out with are girls and not guys...otherwise I would have ended it awhile back if she would doing this to me with them. I'm just in a tough spot right now in this relationship and I feel she doesn't make as much effort as it do. I also just worked my work schedule around so I could help her and her father move stuff out of their relatives house in Virginia for an entire weekend. I had to really push for that and convince this co worker to switch with me. When I told her she didn't even say thanks....She said just Ok good Seriously? Is she selfish? I don't know what to make of this anymore...I just need some advice before I talk to her again I guess.

[hannah11]

She seems incredibly selfish. You'r trying to make it work and she is indifferent. She's taking advantage of your feelings for her. If I were your friend I would tell you to take some time apart from her and date other girls...but I don't want you to destroy your relationship if you really feel like there is something special there. However one sided relationships usually never work out. I really hate being like a downer and stuff but like....expecting her to text you while she is with her friends is not reasonable. I don't text people when I'm talking to or hanging out with anyone. But that isn't just with my friends, that goes for anyone I am with. Unless the text is urgent or important. It makes me really angry when I'm trying to have a conversation with someone and they are texting. Sorry for being such a negative person....good luck talking to her!

[TaraMaiden]

Yea I know I need to grow some balls and tell her what she is doing is wrong, it's just hard too because I feel that she doesn't take what I say seriously..

 

Well..."saying" is easy. Anyone can do it.

Words and talk are cheap.

you can verbalise your displeasure all you like. Her reaction is basically tantamount to telling you "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yaddah yaddah yaddah... so keep moaning, whatcha gonna do Wimp-boy?"

 

Actions -

 

Speak -

 

Louder -

 

Than -

 

Words.

 

Become unavailable.

Start taking control of your life and when she metaphorically says "jump for me wuss" don't ask "how high?"....

 

Be distant, be detached, be a bit aloof, be "indifferent".

 

And when she's with you and your friends and texting, just look at her, as she's texting and say - "Yo - Rude, much? I thought you didn't approve of text around your friends....?" Shake your head and look away....

 

You need to be a bitch, bro' and give as good as you get.

 

Otherwise, you're going to have to change your moniker to 'doormat'....

[russellfitch1980]

Well put, I've decided I'm going to be a little bit more distant with her. Not be a dick or anything and risk our relationship, but I will take a lot more time to respond to her and when she wants to hangout I will tell her I can't or either I can but only for a limited amount of time and see how she reacts. Thanks for giving me some sort of hope. Hopefully this works, because I know her and she is really needy, so if I'm not responding the same way or it's taking me longer to respond she will feel something is different and approach me about it. Thanks everyone!

[russellfitch1980]

Thanks for the posts everyone, your opinions and thoughts have helped me out a bit. Since I posted this and read everyone's comments, the last few days I have been almost completely unavailable with her. I haven't really been responding to her texts and yesterday morning she asked me to hang out with her last night and I said I couldn't because I needed to get work done and focus on this one class....(kind of a taste of her own medicine) As the day went on yesterday she was texting me a lot because I was not responding to her as much and as often as I usually do. Today she initiated plans again to hang out with me tomorrow night, she even said how she realized how she hasn't been available and hasn't been treating me the best especially balancing school and me out. I guess a few days of her medicine did her right maybe? I agreed to see her tomorrow night and hang out and then she initiated plans again for friday during the day and night...honestly I'm speechless with this. I also told her that she needs to do a better job communicating with me, and letting me know whats going on more often. She agreed and actually apologized for like the first time and said she was sorry and that she loved me. I need to be more in control and not let her decide when she can hang out and when its most convenient for her. I think she felt from me not talking to her for 2 days that I might break up with her and that gave her a reality check. So far things today have been great. Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your feedback.