Attraction Issues

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'll throw this one out there just to incite the masses and represent the minority...what if your boyfriend had a so-so job, the same one he had when you first started dating, and was offered the opportunity at a better job and declined because he didn't want to work more hours? Should he feel entitled to be loved just the way he is?

 

If it were me yes, in fact I would love to spend more time with him.

 

It's pretty simple. We women just want to be loved

 

We are actually quite forgiving of man's shortcomings once we enter a relationship.

[Eternal Sunshine]

A lot of people forget about the bolded above...

 

 

He should leave her then. Going on about how overweight she is is pretty cruel.

[Emilia]

If it were me yes, in fact I would love to spend more time with him.

 

It's pretty simple. We women just want to be loved

 

We are actually quite forgiving of man's shortcomings once we enter a relationship.

 

Not all of us feel this way though because to me it would depend what our shared goals were. I wouldn't want a workaholic but I wouldn't want a guy either who already suffered from inertia before he hit middle age. Aspirations are important.

[USMCHokie]

If it were me yes, in fact I would love to spend more time with him.

 

It's pretty simple. We women just want to be loved

 

We are actually quite forgiving of man's shortcomings once we enter a relationship.

 

My point was that the mentality of stagnation is pervasive throughout all aspects of our lives, whether it's career ambitions or weight. The idea that we should feel entitled to be loved "just the way we are" does nothing but suppress any desire for progress. And worse, it punishes and socially ostracizes others for desiring that progress from themselves and from their partners.

[Emilia]

And worse, it punishes and socially ostracizes others for desiring that progress from themselves and from their partners.

 

and to take it one step further: I think for long term attraction it's essential that you don't stay the same but steadily work on some kind of dynamic/goal/plan with your partner.

[USMCHokie]

and to take it one step further: I think for long term attraction it's essential that you don't stay the same but steadily work on some kind of dynamic/goal/plan with your partner.

 

Absolutely. It amazes me how people settle into a comfort zone when they enter into a serious relationship or marriage and think it's justifiable to "let themselves go." Again, it goes back to people's incredibly inflated sense of entitlement. Whether it's a man who stops trying at work and loses his job or a woman who gets fat (or hell, a woman who stops trying at work and loses her job and a man who gets fat), it's always somehow the other person's fault???

 

So you're saying that if I point out that you've stopped trying, I'm the one to blame...? It simply makes no sense, yet society continues to promote this attitude...

[pbjbear]

Why is everyone jumping to conclusions while there's no stats given on the weight situation whatsoever. Its just tip-toeing around it and there's no way to draw any conclusions from that.

 

 

The reason I feel this way? She is the SAME weight she was when they first got together! Most people in this thread are ignoring that!

 

I can understand why a guy who is attracted to skinny girls gets with one and becomes upset when she gains a bunch of weight. Not the case here.

 

If he wasnt attracted to her from the get go, they shouldnt have even entered a relationship. Im kinda shocked a guy would even do this!

[outsidethebox]

Interesting I'm seeing posts recently where the girl has a higher sex drive and the guy would rather watch porn.

 

I agree with everyone else. Your picture is cute and a bf who isn't interested in you doesn't deserve you.

 

You can't fix what ails him.

[TheGuard13]

The reason I feel this way? She is the SAME weight she was when they first got together! Most people in this thread are ignoring that!

 

Well, that's what she's saying. There are two sides to every story.

 

It's something of a moot point. He may well have thought she was attractive when they got together, and now doesn't, or he may have tried to see inner beauty when he wasn't that attracted to her in the first place.

 

The point is, he's not attracted enough/engaged enough to give her what she deserves and needs from a relationship.

[man_in_the_box]

The reason I feel this way? She is the SAME weight she was when they first got together! Most people in this thread are ignoring that!

 

I can understand why a guy who is attracted to skinny girls gets with one and becomes upset when she gains a bunch of weight. Not the case here.

 

Oh, I see - you are right indeed. My apologies.

 

If he wasnt attracted to her from the get go, they shouldnt have even entered a relationship. Im kinda shocked a guy would even do this!

 

Not that it is suprising. People enter relationships all the time that they are not emotionally or physically compatible with. Apparently the OP's bf was not honest about his intentions when entering the relationship. I suppose she will have to get it out of him herself. Or just throw in the towel.

 

Whatever you do, good luck with it.

[MoreThanThat]

Ouch... what an awful situation, especially given you look cute in your photo and seem to have yourself together otherwise.

 

On the relationship side - if ANY man said something conditional to me, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. What if you lose the weight and then later you stay together, get pregnant and have a hard time losing? There are MANY men who would love/want/appreciate you for who you are.

 

On the weight side - I once worked as a personal trainer and have helped a lot of friends lose weight. I will back up 2 comments others made - it will only get MORE difficult over time to lose and diet is the major issue not exercise. If YOU want to lose weight for you - just remove whites (pasta, bread, potatoes), don't have more than 500 calories at a time (probably 300 max for most meals) and eat every 3 hours or so.

[USMCHokie]

On the relationship side - if ANY man said something conditional to me, I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

 

"I'll stay with you only if you remain faithful to me."

 

What result....?

 

A lot of these conditionals are implied, mostly out of respect for your partner.

 

What if you lose the weight and then later you stay together, get pregnant and have a hard time losing? There are MANY men who would love/want/appreciate you for who you are.

 

This phrase strongly suggests that the social market theory is a valid way to describe human dating interactions.

[pbjbear]

"I'll stay with you only if you remain faithful to me."

 

What result....?

 

A lot of these conditionals are implied, mostly out of respect for your partner.

 

 

 

This phrase strongly suggests that the social market theory is a valid way to describe human dating interactions.

 

 

This guy is NOT respectful of his partner. Really???

[MoreThanThat]

"I'll stay with you only if you remain faithful to me."

 

What result....?

 

A lot of these conditionals are implied, mostly out of respect for your partner.

 

 

Wow, dude. They are not even in the same ballpark.

 

There's a big difference between wanting someone to CHANGE who they are and being faithful to a partner.

[USMCHokie]

This guy is NOT respectful of his partner. Really???

 

Your partner loses his/her job, and you suggest that he/she looks for a new job. Disrespectful...?

 

A society that is overweight will create a mentality that overweightness is common and the "right" way to live. To suggest that ones figure is a direct reflection of ones personality, values, and self respect would be heresy. Those who apply equal weight (heh) to others' figures as they would any other characteristic are automatically deemed "shallow" and of poor character. Why is that...?

[TheGuard13]

I must have missed the part where he gave her an ultimatum to lose weight, or where he's repeatedly or cruelly telling her she's overweight, etc. I see a sad situation where a guy is no longer attracted to a girl who's really into him, not some guy being an ******* about it.

 

She asked him how he felt, and outright pushed him to tell her in a few instances. He told her. That's not disrespectful, it's called being honest, which is a form of respect.

[USMCHokie]

Wow, dude. They are not even in the same ballpark.

 

There's a big difference between wanting someone to CHANGE who they are and being faithful to a partner.

 

Your words were "something conditional," which suggests that it encompasses all conditional statements...words have meaning...

 

And there's also a difference between wanting to change someone who doesn't want to change and being with someone who knows she wants to change and improve herself because it's the right thing to do. It's a character trait called ambition. It has been known to be desirable.

[hinatticus]

I'm wondering how tall and how much she weighs. Also how she carries her weight. She looks fine in her avatar pic. Maybe her being over weight is all in their heads. I mean she's active and eats healthy maybe she carries her weight well.

 

What does over weight even mean anyway. You can be "over weight" and not look it.

[clia]

TheGuard brings up a great point.

 

Much of your post sounds like you are projecting your own insecurities about your body onto him and not listening to what he is saying to you. I mean, how much are you pushing him about the weight issue?

 

A couple days ago my boyfriend told me that he would be more attracted to me if I were thinner.

 

He just told you out of the blue? How did this even come up?

 

I am over weight, I know this.

 

How overweight are you?

 

I am over weight, but healthy and I plan to work towards losing weight officially when I am finished university because I feel that it takes priority, especially because this is my last semester.

 

Off topic -- it won't get any easier when you finish. You may even find yourself with less time to work out.

 

Anyway, him and I have fought before about him telling me this. Both times I pushed him to tell me, because I always knew that he had attraction issues, and I guess I just wanted to hear it. And every time you hear something like that, you take it really hard. I took it hard.

 

Why on earth are you pushing him to tell you this?

 

Is it accurate to say that this is not something he is bringing up on his own?

 

Are you sure this isn't just your own insecurity talking?

 

How do you know he had attraction issues? Did you push him to admit to that, too?

 

I have had boyfriends in the past who I know loved me no matter what and had high sex drives. Since being with my current boyfriend his sex drive is lower. Now I am not sure if that is because of the attraction issue or if it is him. He says it's him, I am not so sure.

 

Again, this sounds like your own insecurity talking. Everyone has different sex drives. Stop comparing him to your past boyfriends. (That's really insulting. If I was with someone who told me about how his ex had a much higher sex drive than I do, that certainly wouldn't increase my desire to have sex with him.)

 

My boyfriend and I have talked about how upset I am about what he said and he keeps insisting that I am attractive to him in most ways.

 

Why don't you believe him?

 

Why are you so fixated on looks? It sure sounds like he isn't.

 

I have a nice face good personality and am going somewhere... which is all fine and great but I feel uncomfortable taking my clothes off around him because he won't even look me neck down and I am not that bad!

 

I don't understand this. Are you sure? He just stares at your face the entire time? This sounds weird.

 

I also have a higher sex drive or demand then he does; Although, if I left him alone with a computer for a day I know he'd watch porn at least 2 hours of that day. which hurts too.

 

The porn is an entirely different issue.

 

I guess I'm at this spot where now I just feel ashamed to be me around him because I feel not good enough as I am now and it will take time to lose weight and I don't want to feel unsatisfactory during that time.

 

Honestly, this sounds like your issue, not his. Unless I am wrong and he is berating you and bringing up on his own out of the blue how fat he thinks you are. That just doesn't sound like the case, though.

 

I think it's important to add that I am his first serious relationship, and I deep down inside feel that he wants to experience more, BUT when I talk to him about that honestly he denies it and doesn't want to lose me because he claims I am what he is looking for.

 

Why don't you believe what he is telling you?

 

I am very mixed up. I can lose the weight but I want to know that I have that feeling and support all the time no matter how I look and know that he'll bone me when ever and where ever regardless until I achieve my goals myself and I worry by staying with him and losing weight that I am only harming myself... and also him.

 

Has he specifically, on his own, without you pushing him, told you to lose weight?

[TheGuard13]

It's possibly a little of both. Its pretty clearly become an issue for them both. She might be insecure about her appearance or at least his attraction to her, and that creates a bit of a vicious cycle compounded with how he feels. Especially if he starts hearing things like "I'll change this", but sees no actual action on your part to do so.

 

No guy (unless he's seriously unhappy and abusive) who already has some issue, even a minor one, with the girl he's with, feels good when hearing about that issue or having attention drawn to it constantly, or seeing that it causes her pain.

 

With my own wife, it got to the point where I could barely touch her because she herself felt so bad about her appearance. I eventually chose to stop trying to have sex with her much of the time, because she would immediately ruin it with some sort of insecurity or hesitation, or just stop entirely because of said insecurities. Depending on how uncomfortable it has been, he might be using porn as an escape of sorts, or a safe place. A way to avoid the uncomfortable aspects of sex.

Edited April 5, 2013 by TheGuard13

[serial muse]

OP, it's true that we don't really know what you mean when you say "I know I'm overweight". Different people mean very different things by that. And you can plainly see that people are going to project their own stories onto yours - happens all the time on LS, and the weight thing is a particularly touchy one.

 

But cutting through all that, and focusing on your story instead of the projections, here's what I'm reading.

 

1. Relative to when you started dating your BF, you are the same weight.

2. He has always had attraction issues with you.

3. Sometimes he volunteers his opinion about your weight, but mostly you're worried because he doesn't seem attracted to you, so at those times you drag it out of him.

4. As a result of this, you are worried about being naked in front of him.

5. You do exercise and perhaps have exercised enough in the past to be at a weight he would desire, but for now you've cut back to twice a week or so, due to school pressures.

6. Now you're also worried he wants to play the field, even though when you press him on this one, he denies it.

 

All of this, to me, says this is not the relationship for you. I'm sorry. You can care deeply about someone, but that doesn't mean you're good for each other. He sounds really immature, frankly, and sorry folks who are on the "she should lose the weight" bandwagon, but going strictly by what she said he's the one with the deeper problem here.

 

I just don't see this one getting better for anyone. You're obsessing about it, and, I'm afraid, badgering him until he admits something that pains you both, which is certainly not helping. And although it might feel good to get him to be honest about that for a hot second, it's not really making you feel better -- so perhaps you start hunting around for some other things that will make it better somehow. And as a result, what's happening is that you're jumping from one obsession that has a reasonable basis in fact - that his deep-seated issues with weight (stemming, likely, from his parents) result in his lack of attraction and you feeling sexually rejected - to one that is more about your fears - that he just really wants to play the field.

 

Why would he admit to the one thing but not the other? It may well be that he wants this and doesn't realize it, but you've said it's not like he doesn't have experience.

 

It's possible, instead, that he's telling the truth on this one - the issue isn't that he wants to play the field. I can see how that might feel more palatable to you, because it's less personal, and you can then go the "I should set him free" route, which at least feels more graceful and enlightened for everyone.

 

But hold up, because that isn't really the root of the problem, and it does no one any good to sugarcoat it. He wants something different from what you want. That's the sad truth. Now, I don't see one damn thing wrong with the way you're living your life - you seem responsible and caring and like you're taking care of yourself. You just don't have the body he wants.

 

The problem comes when you start internalizing that, as you are doing. You don't need to. He needs to own what he wants -- and you need to own what you want. And what you want is a partner who doesn't make you feel insecure and finds you attractive as you are. That's perfectly reasonable, regardless of this talk of social market theory.

 

The bottom line is that people here don't really know what you look like, and it's none of their business. What matters is that your BF knew what you looked like when you started dating him, and whatever his hangups are, he wanted to date you anyway. But in the end, despite other sources of compatibility, it's not a match, because you can't be happy while you're feeling insecure, and he can't be happy while he's wishing you were different. I'm sorry, but I don't think this is a good situation for you.

Edited April 5, 2013 by serial muse

[edgygirl]

I haven't read all responses, but I have one thing to say: I RUN from men who seem to be ultra picky about looks. You are obviously a very good looking girl by your picture. If he is not attracted to girl with meat on their bones as you point you are, let him find a skinny one. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't lust after you, it's a recipe for heartbreak.

 

On the other hand, I i.e. am really not attracted to guys with super athletic body types. I like chubby or large-built. So, I guess you should not be offended, as everyone has their cup of tea. The issue here is he trying to force staying with someone who is not his. And it's a shame he even started a relationship with someone who doesn't have the body type he's attracted to.

 

Let him go and find someone who appreciates you and your looks.

[aburd123]

This is a tough one. I have to share something with you. I was in a relationship for ten years with my ex-husband (not ex at the time) where he would constantly tell me that I was too heavy for him, that I don't eat what I should, I should buy better clothes, that I would look better or be more attractive if I only did this or that....I went through that for TEN years. I tried talking to him, tried reasoning with him , and nothing worked. I tried saying "Okay, how bout come up with a special meal plan or workout together etc" he backed off for a bit but then started it back up. I finally sat him down and said something to this effect:

 

"I know that you are concerned about my health and my weight and I appreciate that very much that you really care. However, I am comfortable in my own skin and I only want to lose weight if it's something I truly want. I want to be happy the way that I am and I want to be accepted for the way I am. If in the future I lose or gain weight and this issue is present I am going to feel like I am not good enough, or that we need to go through this again and I don't want to feel like this anymore. Could you either please try to accept me for who I am or help me to understand your concerns more clearly?"

If it's simply because his family is heavy and he doesn't want you to gain excessive weight maybe you could re assure him that there are steps that you are willing to take to make sure that you won't go that far? If that makes sense. If it continues to bother you and you really can't get through to him, then maybe it's time to move on as hard as that may be.

 

Good luck!

[a_dreamer]

I haven't finished reading all the replies, some of them I agree with, others I don't. Regardless, I want to thank you all for your input so far and just give a brief update to the situation:

 

Last night I had a chance to hear his thoughts on this situation. We have been talking, but he has a hard time talking about how he's feeling or figuring things out right away, so I gave him the needed time and space while also allowing times over the past few days to vent my frustrations while keeping an open mind. He came home late last night after writing out this concerns, feelings, wants, etcetera and basically told me this: He feels that he wants to work at things. He loves me, he is attracted to me mind body and soul (please note: the sex is good when we do it, i promise you that on both sides) but he does wish I was healthier and thinner and he does tend to be attracted to hour glass figures. He also said that it was unfair for him to say the things he did because he knows I am working on things with my body, and with the amount of work and stress coming from school and moving and finding a job has taken a toll on my action plan for weight loss. He says he needs to learn to be more excepting at flaws, and I do too ( I agree! ) because no one is ever perfect and he knows that. He told me that I need to accept the fact that he maybe distracted at times when I talk to him by a computer or whatever and that he loves healthy looking women. On the other hand he needs to learn to accept me as I am and make me feel appreciated every day for who and what I am because I am an amazing person. In turn, together we can work to helping each other with the flaws we have because we both want to strive to be the best we can be and if we can do that together, it would be perfect.

 

 

Here is my thoughts on the idea:

 

I'm 50/50. I totally agree with what he has to say, but I worry it's more or less him afraid to move on. He even admitted that he doesn't think he'll find another women like me. But I don't know if that is a compliment or an insult, if he is settling, or just coming to terms with reality. I'm sure he would find someone else, everyone always does. I also feel like, if he is being 100% honest and he does know he wants to me with me, I'm being too hard on myself and not believing it. It seems so complicated, like there is too much question to the point where I don't think it can work because we are too much all over the place.

 

SO I proposed to him, that I want to take the weekend apart. I am going home to visit my mom and best friends away from the city I go to school in and just be me for awhile. We haven't had much time apart in the last 4 months and I think we both need it. We are going to do our own thing, not call, not email, just relax. Both of us have been stressed, and worried, and just busy. When I come home, we can re evaluate and see where we are at. If we miss each other super amounts and have hot dirty sex when I come home, then I think we can move past this and really just work at bettering ourselves together and not care so much. If him or I seemed to just feel way better without each other then it's time to break it off. He promised to be honest with me, as I will be to him.

 

I understand when everyone says that it is important to never change yourself for someone else. I would NEVER do that. I was raised to know, never do that. I hated the movie Grease for that very reason. What I am saying here is weather or not this man is in my life, I am going to lose weight. It's a stress to carry around the extra weight and I will never fully feel like myself if I don't. I will never stop being who I am skinny or not, but for my own well being I want to hit the gym pretty much right after my final exam. I'll probably just like take a punching bag and tape pictures of all the bad marks I've had and all the bad profs I have had and all of the terrible people in the world on there and just punch away.

 

It's really sad how mean the world is, and I want to be one of those people that can just say F U to it all and just do what I want to do and be great at it. The weight will only come off once I start doing those things, because it always does, when I am happy and I want to fight for that happiness. I don't expect my boyfriend to be perfect, but I do expect him to be here for me no matter what, and so I want to work towards really understanding both of our sides, and picking the best choice for each other together so we can be happy.

[USMCHokie]

I think you've missed the point a little, Hokie. No one is saying in any way, shape or form that being overweight is a good thing. OP herself has stated that she wants to lose weight when she has the time to get to the gym and such. What people are saying is that if she was the same weight she is now at the start of the R, and he was fine enough with it (to date her) then, what has changed? Him, evidently.

 

If I got into an R with a skinny dude, and then a little way in, changed my mind and started picking on him because of his size, whose problem is that? Mine. Not his. It's not like he started out as a big, muscly dude, and dropped all of that once in an R. I'm just saying, I wouldn't get into an R, then act as this guy is, over an "issue" that was present at the start.

 

Is this saying that people who prefer slim women are shallow? No, of course not. People have preferences, some men like athletic women, others like women with a bit of meat on them. It is what it is.

 

My advice in this scenario is this: his attraction to you (OP) seems to be lukewarm, and if he makes you (intentionally or otherwise) feel this bad about yourself, it's time to move on. Relationships are, on the most part, meant to make us feel good, and happy, not make us feel bad and miserable. If you want to lose weight, do it for you, not for anyone else.

 

I understand what you're saying, but I still don't know if I can buy it...maybe I am talking about something slightly different, yet related...

 

Is the quality of desiring to always seek self improvement in all aspects of your life such a rare quality...? I fully intend on being more well-read as I get older, getting into better shape as I get older, learning new hobbies as I get older, progressing in my career as I get older, etc. People seem so content with simply "good enough" these days...if we find someone who is willing to date us looking the way we look, is this simply a disincentive from trying anymore? They've liked us as we are; is that justification to stop trying? Do we not have enough pride in ourselves that we search out ways to become better?

 

It seems these days people don't enter relationships to supplement and enrich each others lives...instead, they enter them so they have an excuse to stop working on their own lives...