Attraction Issues

[a_dreamer]

I have read tons of other forums that somewhat express the same issue I am having but I can't help but feel like I need to explore this issue on my own and hear what people have to say. So here it is:

 

A couple days ago my boyfriend told me that he would be more attracted to me if I were thinner. I am over weight, I know this. When I started dating him I was the same weight that I am now and he expressed to me how he likes to live a healthy life style which was totally fine with me because I actually do too. I tend to eat very well. I do splurge sometimes but who doesn't and I love to take care of my body. I have been active for many years with karate and kick boxing along with swimming and all that jazz. I am over weight, but healthy and I plan to work towards losing weight officially when I am finished university because I feel that it takes priority, especially because this is my last semester. Anyway, him and I have fought before about him telling me this. Both times I pushed him to tell me, because I always knew that he had attraction issues, and I guess I just wanted to hear it. And every time you hear something like that, you take it really hard. I took it hard.

 

I have had boyfriends in the past who I know loved me no matter what and had high sex drives. Since being with my current boyfriend his sex drive is lower. Now I am not sure if that is because of the attraction issue or if it is him. He says it's him, I am not so sure. My boyfriend and I have talked about how upset I am about what he said and he keeps insisting that I am attractive to him in most ways. I have a nice face good personality and am going somewhere... which is all fine and great but I feel uncomfortable taking my clothes off around him because he won't even look me neck down and I am not that bad! I'm not 300 pounds. I also have a higher sex drive or demand then he does; Although, if I left him alone with a computer for a day I know he'd watch porn at least 2 hours of that day. which hurts too.

 

I guess we are in this weird limbo where we are great together, I get along with his family, we have inside jokes, we love to cuddle, go on trips, he even wants to move away with me when I'm done school. Although we are both 26 and after a year and a bit of dating he doesnt really talk much about the future which makes me worry too. I guess I'm at this spot where now I just feel ashamed to be me around him because I feel not good enough as I am now and it will take time to lose weight and I don't want to feel unsatisfactory during that time. What if I fail, or gain weight back? I won't have the feeling of support but by breaking up with him I lose the man I love.

 

I think it's important to add that I am his first serious relationship, and I deep down inside feel that he wants to experience more, BUT when I talk to him about that honestly he denies it and doesn't want to lose me because he claims I am what he is looking for. I am very mixed up. I can lose the weight but I want to know that I have that feeling and support all the time no matter how I look and know that he'll bone me when ever and where ever regardless until I achieve my goals myself and I worry by staying with him and losing weight that I am only harming myself... and also him. Also again the issue about his sex drive.. and I am not sure if I'll ever be able to shower with him and him get a hard on.. without me touching him...... is it because he isnt attracted to me now. or is it because of his sex drive (he claims that's sex drive that cases that, and being a girl I naturally want to prove that wrong)

 

We have been great at working out our problems and working on ourselves to make this relationship work through the hard times, but is this the breaking point, only because this is a problem we cannot fix? Please help me <3 Thank for reading my really long rant. My gfs suck at giving direct advice.

 

PS. he isn't perfect by any means, he eats unhealthier than me at times and even though he works out twice a week, he has no self control when bad food is around him. His parents are also very heavy and I know that that bothers him and he doesn't want to end up that way, so there is more pressure for me to be perfect right now, even though I know for a fact I will never be that way.

Edited April 4, 2013 by a_dreamer

[ComeUpOutDaWahta]

 

I think it's important to add that I am his first serious relationship, and I deep down inside feel that he wants to experience more, BUT when I talk to him about that honestly he denies it and doesn't want to lose me because he claims I am what he is looking for..

 

 

That's pretty much what it is. He wants to see what else is out there. I actually feel kind of terrible reading this story because I was pretty much, word for word, the boyfriend that you are talking about now in my last relationship.

 

We had been together for nearly six years, she had put on some weight (as did I), but I could feel the attraction slowly start to diminish. She was my first relationship, my first sexual experience, and my first harsh break-up. It took me awhile to finally muster up the courage to tell her, but I wish I would have done it sooner. It would have saved her a lot of heartache.

 

The thing about it was, our relationship was really good! We got along well, made plans together, and generally fit each other. However, there were also a lot of problems, a lot of nights spent apart (mostly me sleeping in my car), and a lot of venom spewed at each other as well.

 

I eventually realized that I was mainly sticking with the relationship because I was scared of being alone for the first time since my late teens. I was scared of hitting the dating scene. I was scared to move on. But I knew I had to see what else was out there. How could I know that the relationship and feelings with her were real, when I had no other knowledge of anything else?

 

Sorry to get off on a rant. But in my opinion, I think you need to break it off with him. He's probably just like me, and doesn't want to ruin something good, even if it's not something he really wants.

[ComeUpOutDaWahta]

Also wanted to add that he will most likely be heavily opposed to the break-up. He may even say a lot of nice things to try and convince you that this relationship is what he wants. If you really and truly love him, you should give him the opportunity to experience life, even if it is against his will at first.

[todreaminblue]

if that is you in yoru avatar you dont look overweight to me.....you are a very pretty girl.....lovely....as a mum of teenage daughters i say that to you......you have a beautiful face..i state fact in this not blowing smoke...pure fact...let this guy go......he isnt worth your heartache......find someone who sees that lovely kind loving beautiful girl that you are.....whatever weight that is......you are worth more than the scales that you stand on to weigh yourself........i wish you love light and happiness with who you are and in your life i hope you end up with someone who appreciates you for who you are....hugs....deb

[Sanitarium]

OP you will not find it any easier to lose weight once you are done with school. Quite the opposite actually...once you start working full time, you will start to have way less time for exercise, get lazy and gain weight. Take it from 1st hand experience

 

 

I'm not saying this to bash you or anything, jut to tell you that if you want to lose weight, do it starting now. Don't wait any longer

[soccerrprp]

if that is you in yoru avatar you dont look overweight to me.....you are a very pretty girl.....lovely....as a mum of teenage daughters i say that to you......you have a beautiful face..i state fact in this not blowing smoke...pure fact...let this guy go......he isnt worth your heartache......find someone who sees that lovely kind loving beautiful girl that you are.....whatever weight that is......you are worth more than the scales that you stand on to weigh yourself........i wish you love light and happiness with who you are and in your life i hope you end up with someone who appreciates you for who you are....hugs....deb

 

OP is not worried about her pretty face, though. It's her weight.

 

It certainly sounds like your weight is bothering him that there's no doubt. That may or may not have anything to do with his sex drive/interest.

 

I heard what you said about waiting later to start an exercise/weight loss regimen, but really, why wait when you can start now or at least slowly?

[a_dreamer]

Thank you both for the reply.

 

ComeUpOutDaWahta: I was really hoping for a guy to reply, just because I really need some clarity from a guys point of view. I wanted to add though that he has been with other women, for even months at a time, and many different kinds of girls so I don't think it's from him not dating around and seeing other women, but I do think that he's not done... exploring. Probably because he started dating late. So.... I probably should break it off because it seems like I might know him better then he does himself.... but it's a really ****ty position to be in and really bad timing because it is the end of my final semester.... We'll see what happens.

 

todreaminblue: you made me CRY!! not that i haven't been anyway but thank you because that is me in the picture and it's awesome to hear that. Thank you X a million.

[a_dreamer]

I have been starting now. I do exercise twice a week and eat healthy but my degree is demanding on my time because I am in film and animation so that takes time an deffort. I know when i am done school I will have the time because with school i pull 10 hour days most of the time and with the internship i have lined up i will be working monday to friday 9 to 5 and I assure you i am not lazy. Never have been. When i was working full time before after high school i worked out all the time with kick boxing and looked awesome. My schooling has only effected me because I eat less... (honestly) and my work outs are few and far between because the demands are high for me to be 10 places at once. and I have no budget. Also, I am not that over weight... and I dont have any trouble with men.. so .. please just stick to giving me advice right now please. I know that I will lose the weight when I need to, I've never had a problem with it before. and I don't quit when I want something.

[soccerrprp]

I have been starting now. I do exercise twice a week and eat healthy but my degree is demanding on my time because I am in film and animation so that takes time an deffort. I know when i am done school I will have the time because with school i pull 10 hour days most of the time and with the internship i have lined up i will be working monday to friday 9 to 5 and I assure you i am not lazy. Never have been. When i was working full time before after high school i worked out all the time with kick boxing and looked awesome. My schooling has only effected me because I eat less... (honestly) and my work outs are few and far between because the demands are high for me to be 10 places at once. and I have no budget. Also, I am not that over weight... and I dont have any trouble with men.. so .. please just stick to giving me advice right now please. I know that I will lose the weight when I need to, I've never had a problem with it before. and I don't quit when I want something.

 

Wow, I suspect that this is targeted at me....I was giving you advice. I did not imply anything that YOU hadn't already CLEARLY admitted to. YOU said that you were over-weight. YOU said that you wanted to start exercising to lose weight.

 

Sorry if I sounded rude. I clearly did not intend to be.

[a_dreamer]

It wasn't intended to be a snap at you. Just in a stressful situation. I was more or less replying to the person before you aside from me just adding that I am currently working out I just am unable to plan a schedule for myself which can make things complicated. I didn't mean to come across as rude either. I'm Sorry.

[ComeUpOutDaWahta]

Thank you both for the reply.

 

ComeUpOutDaWahta: I was really hoping for a guy to reply, just because I really need some clarity from a guys point of view. I wanted to add though that he has been with other women, for even months at a time, and many different kinds of girls so I don't think it's from him not dating around and seeing other women, but I do think that he's not done... exploring. Probably because he started dating late. So.... I probably should break it off because it seems like I might know him better then he does himself.... but it's a really ****ty position to be in and really bad timing because it is the end of my final semester.... We'll see what happens.

 

 

I know it sucks, because I put someone through the same things. Plus, judging from your avatar, like others have said, I highly doubt that it's your physical attractiveness that is turning him off. You look very cute, actually. Things just may have gotten too... familiar, you know?

 

It really should be his responsibility to decide what he wants, but I only say this because it took me years to realize it. If things are starting to get sour only after a year or so, I don't imagine that a little weight loss is going to make that any better. Watching porn while not meeting your partner's sexual needs is a big sign of that. You just have to realize that it seems as though he's always going to have one eye open for something new and exciting to come along, and the more you have committed yourself to the relationship, the harder it's going to be for you when he does move on.

 

The best thing for you both should be to spend some time apart and see how you feel. As absolutely cold as it may sound, when I finally broke it off with my ex, I felt nothing but liberation, and going back to her was the last thing on my mind. If anything, I would be kicking myself in the ass if I were to call her right now just because being single "hasn't worked out" yet. I know you love him, but respect yourself enough not to let him explore new things and then come running back to you when things get rough.

[pbjbear]

Dont date a guy that has "attraction issues" towards you. Im sorry, but a relationship with this is doomed to fail. Attraction is an important part of a relationship and with men in particular, being the most awesome gf wont overcome it.

 

Based on your picture, Im sure you can find guys that wouldnt act like this. Hell I am thin and fit and work for my bod, and I have guys tell me Im not their type because they like a woman "with meat on their bones"

 

There is someone out there for everyone!

[Djz05]

I think this has to end. First off, you shouldnt let someone else dictate what you should do. If you wanted to lose weight, it should be because you want to and not because your boyfriend says so. And even so, he should be supportive (eating right and working out together).

 

As has been said, You're a pretty girl. You will find someone who will appreciate you for you.

[Noproblem]

It's sad ..... To feel you are not good enough in the eyes of your lover or boyfriend, nobody deserves to feel like this

 

I mean, it will only get worse, you'll get older, and he'll blame your wrinkles for his low derive.... Even if you became slim, it seems he wants more....You can't really give him more..Why it's supposed to be about how to please him

WHat about what you want?

WE are in 2013 and we still care about what the man wants!

 

Guess what, they want hot girls and cars, video games, and more hot girls

 

This is you, he should take it or leave it:mad:

 

Be proud of yourself alwaysssssssssssssssss...

[KungFuJoe]

Look...don't change yourself for ANYONE else but YOU.

 

If you want to be thinner and fitter...do it for you...NOT for your partner.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Listen sweetie, please leave this a-hole of a boyfriend. He can seem great and all, but pressuring you to lose weight and telling you that he is not that attracted because of your weight is bordering on emotional abuse. Especially since you haven't gained a pound since you got together.

 

You can't go on feeling that your bf finds you anything else but absolutely beautiful. He is going to drag your self-esteem down the longer you stay.

 

Dump the loser, lose the weight if you feel like you want to and find a sweet, kind and non-critical guy to enjoy your life with

 

This jerk-off doesn't deserve to enjoy the benefits of your hot body.

[todreaminblue]

OP is not worried about her pretty face, though. It's her weight.

 

It certainly sounds like your weight is bothering him that there's no doubt. That may or may not have anything to do with his sex drive/interest.

 

I heard what you said about waiting later to start an exercise/weight loss regimen, but really, why wait when you can start now or at least slowly?

 

 

i know she wasnt worried but he has done a number on her....its upsetting when i see a beautiful young woman being told she has to conform to meet some shallow guys ideal .....it sucks honestly...i wanted to point out her beauty and i stand by what i wrote as a mother and as a woman....she has a beautiful face , she doesnt look over weight to me...gorgeous young woman.....and i hope she finds someone who will see that beauty not tell her to lose weight to be attractive to him, someone who is a bit more enlightened perhaps a lot more loving...he needs glasses that also give him a few more brain cells to use.....in my opinion....he is a dickhead for saying that, he gave her a feeling of insecurity that should nto eb there...i am sure, actually guarantee, she has a lot more to offer.....that just a dress size...she also writes beautifully, eloquently and she didnt ask me about that either thats another add on from me to the op i just say it like i read it...and i am honest....deb

Edited April 5, 2013 by todreaminblue

[soccerrprp]

i know she wasnt worried but he has done a number on her....its upsetting when i see a beautiful young woman being told she has to conform to meet some shallow guys ideal .....it sucks honestly...i wanted to point out her beauty and i stand by what i wrote as a mother and as a woman....she has a beautiful face , she doesnt look over weight to me...gorgeous young woman.....and i hope she finds someone who will see that beauty not tell her to lose weight to be attractive to him, someone who is a bit more enlightened perhaps a lot more loving...he needs glasses that also give him a few more brain cells to use.....in my opinion....he is a dickhead for saying that, he gave her a feeling of insecurity that should nto eb there...i am sure, actually guarantee, she has a lot more to offer.....that just a dress size...she also writes beautifully, eloquently and she didnt ask me about that either thats another add on from me to the op i just say it like i read it...and i am honest....deb

 

hey, deb, i'm with you! wasn't trying to be critical of your earlier response.

[todreaminblue]

hey, deb, i'm with you! wasn't trying to be critical of your earlier response.

 

 

I thought you were being critical of what i wrote ....I apologise for thinking that.....the boyfriends comment to the op made me mad though.........got a little passionate went on the defense....smilin....thanks soccer....deb

[man_in_the_box]

Why is everyone jumping to conclusions while there's no stats given on the weight situation whatsoever. Its just tip-toeing around it and there's no way to draw any conclusions from that.

[Object_a]

I feel uncomfortable taking my clothes off around him because he won't even look me neck down and I am not that bad!...

 

I'm sorry to say this but this is a huge red flag for your relationship. He simply isn't attracted to you and it is already causing problems:

 

I guess I'm at this spot where now I just feel ashamed to be me around him because I feel not good enough as I am now and it will take time to lose weight and I don't want to feel unsatisfactory during that time. What if I fail, or gain weight back?

 

A lover is supposed to make you feel desired and attractive, not anxious and ashamed of yourself. This will only make you grow to resent him over time and poison the relationship. The discrepancy in your sex drives will make it worse. He will feel pressured to give you what you need and will just go through the motions out of duty. Everyone concerned deserves better than that. He may even feel like you are being ungrateful because it's such an effort for him and it still isn't enough to satisfy you.

 

I'd say you need to have a really frank conversation with him about this, and if there's no way you two can reach some kind of consensus you should seriously consider splitting up sooner rather than later.

[Emilia]

I

I do exercise twice a week and eat healthy but my degree is demanding on my time because I am in film and animation so that takes time an deffort.

 

What you eat matters more than exercise. I know you said you were eating healthy, maybe you need more portion control now that you don't have so much time to be active. It's better long term anyway, easier to get back to exercise.

 

A few posters are saying that your boyfriend is this or that but the story feels a bit one sided, also in my experience people with a weight 'problem' don't stay the same for periods of time, especially when inactive. Whatever happens, it's best if you watch what you eat, much much easier long term.

[USMCHokie]

I'll throw this one out there just to incite the masses and represent the minority...what if your boyfriend had a so-so job, the same one he had when you first started dating, and was offered the opportunity at a better job and declined because he didn't want to work more hours? Should he feel entitled to be loved just the way he is?

[TheGuard13]

When a man tells you how he's feeling, listen to him. I think this guy has probably lost the attraction and is afraid to end the relationship, because he's a bit inexperienced. I was in a relationship like this myself, except that she did gain a lot of weight over a period of a few years, but pretended that she hadn't, all the while promising to lose it. We got along really well, and in many ways, she was everything I'd ever wanted, at least I thought.

 

You shouldn't change who you are for anyone but yourself, and you

deserve to be with someone who is attractive and attracted to you. So does he.

 

If you're his first serious relationship, then he's probably thinking about what else is out there, especially since he's not entirely attracted to you. That doesn't mean that you are not attractive, it just means for whatever reason, he wants something else. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, or love you for who you are. This really has nothing to do with love.

 

It's time to have a serious talk. You may just be better friends than lovers.

[USMCHokie]

You shouldn't change who you are for anyone but yourself, and you

deserve to be with someone who is attractive and attracted to you. So does he.

 

A lot of people forget about the bolded above...