A rather pathetic tale of a man who gets attached too easily.

[Tamahome560]

It's been just over a week since my girlfriend broke up with me.

 

To be honest it wasn't a long relationship. We've know each other for about 3 months out of which 7 weeks we have been in a relationship. I'm very emotional and tend to get very attached to people in a short space of time.

 

I've met her through a dating website, we clicked instantly and by the end of the day we exchanged our phone numbers. We messaged each other back and forth everyday. I've never met any girl I had so much in common with it was rather refreshing to actually be able to share that with someone. I soon asked her out on a date. We've met and she was just as I imagined her to be, perfect.

 

All went well and it seemed like we both knew where this was eventually heading . I met up with her next week, she invited me over to her house, introduced me to her family and everything was rainbows and bunnies, everybody absolutely adored me. It was that day that I asked her to be my woman, she agreed. I jumped the gun, like I usually do but things got even more serious from then on.

 

I spent many nights over with her and her family. I felt so overwhelmed with happiness, this family was so lovely and kind and accepting. They literally didn't want me to leave. Her mother bought me a toothbrush haha! One night I jumped the gun again and told her that I was in love with her, albeit I was terrified of it and barely choked it out. She said she felt it too and all was good.

 

Few more days have passed and then things got even more complicated. My situation at home wasn't great, I don't get on well with my own family and so I mentioned it to both her and her family. Out of the blue one evening her mother tells me that I'm welcome to move in. I was shocked and I said that it's a bit sudden and I have to think on it. My gut was telling me that it's way too soon, I promised myself that I won't rush into things and I already did anyway. Over the next few days I was reminded of the offer by all the members of her family, everybody wanted me to move in, especially my girlfriend. I thought, what the hell, maybe this is how things are when you find the one? Everything just falls into place. And so to everyone's delight I soon moved in. According to her mother, their family ''doesn't get tired of people''.

 

Surprisingly everything was perfect for the next few weeks. Any doubts I had were gone by that time, this was it. We even talked about having kids together in near future. She said she will love me forever and ever and always.

 

And then came the faithful day when she said that living together wasn't working out for her, she realised we moved way too fast and that she needed more space. I asked her if her feelings have changed to which she replied ''Of course not''. I told her it was fine, as long as it made her happy and make us work, I would move out. And so I swallowed my pride and moved back in with my family.

 

Here I suppose is where I started making terrible mistakes which ultimately led to our break up. Not long after I moved out I noticed she was rather distant towards me, and I pointed it out. I said that it was hurting me, she said nothing will change if I move out and that I'll never lose her. But I felt that things have changed so I pointed it out. She got upset over it, she said she needed space to think about everything.

 

That's when I went into a crazy text rampage trying to apologise for acting on my emotions, it was stupid, I just struggled with the dynamics between us changing so suddenly. I was so afraid I was going to lose her, that I actually pushed her away myself by not giving her space. Over the next few days I did text her, told her how sorry and wrong I was, I told her that if she wanted we could just start over again. In the end I only drove her away from me.

 

Then one night she called and broke up with me, saying she has lost to capacity to give a f*ck anymore. Two days later I came by to pick up the reminder of things I have left, we talked a little. I again told her we could start over again, without rushing into a relationship. But she said she is now selfish and wants to be on her own. This is the last time I saw of her.

 

I didn't speak with her for a few days, then I sent her a message asking how she was doing and telling her that I miss her and that I might be getting a new job soon. She replied shortly, polite but without much emotion behind it.

 

I did message her again in a few days, asking how she was doing. Without a reply. I sent a few more the next few days but no responses. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, I should have initiated NC but my emotions overpowered logic.

 

Yesterday I sent her a message, apologising for not giving her a rest. I said that I can't help this longing I feel and that I wish she could have given us a second chance. She said she was sorry, but it was water under the bridge now and she had more important things to worry about then my feelings. In anger I said it was a healthy attitude, to cast me away when I'm not convenient anymore. She said I was a selfish bastard and told me to leave her alone. She later also sent me a message saying that she just wasn't ready for what we were. Although she said she wasn't being a b*tch and was in bits because of the break up. Even though she promised this would never be the case.

 

I'm pathetic, it's not even been a relationship of two months yet I grieve so much. It feels like my heart has been ripped out, and I can't help it. I get attached easily but find it hard to open up to people, I have never ever been as honest and open with someone as I was with her. I have only ever made love with two women, her being one of them.

 

I just don't understand how she just discarded everything, after so many promises. I understand I made mistakes, for which I did apologise. And I wanted to start over, but she just wants me out of her life it seems. Did I really screw up so badly? How can a person change so drastically in their attitude within a span of around 2 days?

 

I'm lost and confused. If anyone is curious I'm 21 she is 22.

 

I just needed to vent, not sure if this is the right section though.

[blotter]

When she asked for space you acted like a pantywaist, that's so unattractive to a woman and makes you look weak and needy. There is no going back after that, you showed her that ugly side and that's not something she is just going to forget. Take it as a learning experience and move on. Take it slower with the next woman you date, there is no rush and you are just going to raise red flags in these women's minds when you act so needy so quickly.

[uniqwa]

I honestly think you sound like every woman's dream.. I advise you to not feel so much rejection, if you got that attached so quickly.. Do not feel hurt.. You honestly did not know her well enough and you seem like an awesome guy.. Not a lot of guys are able to win over parents let alone family.. It takes someone special (; So don't be so down. Pick yourself up and you will find your mate eventually ^_^ Just remain positive about the whole situation.. Things may even get better for you both, If she really loves you she won't let you go so easily.

Edited April 4, 2013 by uniqwa

[Tamahome560]

@blotter

 

I'm well aware I did. And I know I shouldn't have, I screwed up. But I had hoped in the light of how she proclaimed he her ''soul mate forever'' she would at least consider giving it another go after sometime apart. Not even that. I suppose it is a painful lesson, I was going to go slow but I faltered under the pressure.

 

 

@uniqwa

 

Thank you, you're too kind. I don't think there is much to salvage of this situation though. She doesn't want to even talk with me anymore, she pretty much wants me gone. So I haven't talked with her in a few days already. She never said she didn't love me though, or that she hates me after everything.

 

I still plan on sending her flowers in a few weeks, with an apology for acting so clingy and selfishly. Not that it's gonna change much but I do really want her to know that I'm sorry.

[GB25]

@blotter

 

I'm well aware I did. And I know I shouldn't have, I screwed up. But I had hoped in the light of how she proclaimed he her ''soul mate forever'' she would at least consider giving it another go after sometime apart. Not even that. I suppose it is a painful lesson, I was going to go slow but I faltered under the pressure.

 

 

@uniqwa

 

Thank you, you're too kind. I don't think there is much to salvage of this situation though. She doesn't want to even talk with me anymore, she pretty much wants me gone. So I haven't talked with her in a few days already. She never said she didn't love me though, or that she hates me after everything.

 

I still plan on sending her flowers in a few weeks, with an apology for acting so clingy and selfishly. Not that it's gonna change much but I do really want her to know that I'm sorry.

 

Dude youre sending her flowers and an apology?????? apology for what?? If you do that it will be the biggest mistake you can make. Leave her alone. Disappear and do not contact her. If you have any chance to have another shot leaving her alone will be it. I promise you the flowers will make her vomit. Im not trying to be an A hole but im being realistic

[McGriff]

^^^^

this!

[spirius]

I too considered doing that and am glad I didn't.

 

I was having a fairly frank conversation with her the other day and said, look I've really restrained myself. I thought about serenading you and trying to sweep you off your feet with flowers. In my head, I saw you tittering with laughter and falling into my arms, but know that in reality you would have slammed the door in my face. She said yes, I'd have told you to f off.

 

My impression now is the best approach is to remain aloof, regardless of what outcome you desire.

[Am4Real]

It really is over!

 

As loving and permanent the short-term relationship was to you, honestly, it reads like a story of quick infatuation.

 

For all you know she was infatuated with you which is typical in any new relationship under 3 - 6 months, but here parents were misreading her and in the throws of making you and her happy suggested you move in. You did. The infatuation was wearing off for her which is not unusual and there you were, in the same house and visible to her everyday. To her that meant she had to take action to change things and she did.

 

Had you leave and stayed low, she may have come back around, but you showed a desperate and demanding side which made her angry and "turned her off".

 

At your age, you can expect this -- it's part of the process -- oh hell, you can expect it in a 30 yr old too.

 

Regardless, keep away from her. Give her the space she wants and retake your dignity.

[Tamahome560]

Thank you guys for all the advice!

 

I know I screwed up badly, wish I could take it back. Wish I could have acted more maturely and cool about this. Alas I failed. I shall refrain from contacting her or sending her any apologies etc.

 

I suppose chances of her wanting to try again at any point in the future are pretty low yeah? It's a shame really, hard experience, but an experience nevertheless.

[KatZee]

@blotter

I still plan on sending her flowers in a few weeks, with an apology for acting so clingy and selfishly. Not that it's gonna change much but I do really want her to know that I'm sorry.

 

STOP.

 

You need to S.T.O.P.

 

I'm telling you this as a woman who previously dated a guy as needy, clingy, desperate, and pathetic as you. (I'm really trying to say this in the nicest possible way.)

 

When I broke up with my ex he acted like you. I said I needed space and to just be on my own. Instead of giving me space he did what you did. Constant calling, texting, emailing, Facebooking. It was infuriating. He did not come off as desirable or attractive to me. He was weak. He was not respecting me and my wishes. He was not even respecting himself with his overt display of needy behavior.

 

To love someone means to put their needs before your own. She wanted space, she wanted to think, that means GO AWAY. Again I'm saying this in the nicest possible way. That doesn't mean be dumped and then continue following up every few days or once a week to "check in." Believe me, she knows who you are, where you are, and how to get in touch with you if she so wanted to.

 

As the dumpee to continue to pursue the way you did does not look good. It looks horrible in the dumper's eyes and this is NOT the ideal guy. I could never date someone who was this needy again.

 

She is NOT going to appreciate the flowers or whatever else you do for her at this point. She's been as nice as she possibly can up until this point and I guarantee that if you contact her one more time, or send her gifts, cards, flowers... that you are going to get an EXTREMELY nasty lash-out from her end. And you're going to feel WORSE. This is what happened with me and my ex. I finally had to become a mega b.itch because he was just NOT getting the point.

 

You've already made every rookie mistake possible. Instead of learning from your mistakes, you plan on making even MORE mistakes. You've apologized already. There is nothing left to say or do on your end. So STOP.

 

Relationships should not be rushed the way you rushed this one. When you're getting to know someone, take it slow. There is no race to the finish line in relationships and the slower they're paced, the stronger they are. A relationship this fast is extremely overwhelming. You also need to maintain your own life outside the relationship. Try not to become so absorbed by your partner because it turns into a smothering situation.

 

I get that you think you're in love, but I guarantee you you're in "lust" and "infatuation" right now. Think of a new relationship as a trial period in a job. The first three months are generally the evaluation period. For whatever reason, the relationship isn't working for her.

 

Respect her decision to be out of this relationship. You can't force someone to be with you no matter how strongly you feel.

[Am4Real]

STOP.

 

You need to S.T.O.P.

 

I'm telling you this as a woman who previously dated a guy as needy, clingy, desperate, and pathetic as you. (I'm really trying to say this in the nicest possible way.)

 

When I broke up with my ex he acted like you. I said I needed space and to just be on my own. Instead of giving me space he did what you did. Constant calling, texting, emailing, Facebooking. It was infuriating. He did not come off as desirable or attractive to me. He was weak. He was not respecting me and my wishes. He was not even respecting himself with his overt display of needy behavior.

 

I hope it will mean much to him coming from you. When you're young and first in love like the OP, they tend to only see the situation of emotion from their own perspective.

 

 

Respect her decision to be out of this relationship. You can't force someone to be with you no matter how strongly you feel.

 

Have we not learned that lesson? Us that are experienced certainly have!

 

For me the lessons were a long time ago and drives all of my behaviors.

 

Today: What made my current situation the most difficult is there was no final closing of any sort, not even words signifying we were breaking up. We had a difficult situation that I bestowed on her and "poof", she is gone, just like that. It is taking significant discipline from me to control the urges to reach out, to call her out on some reprehensible facts , almost unbearable, and other than a few snippet communications from me in the early stages (seven weeks ago) none were returned. Not a peep.

 

I stopped -- nothing more had to be said, actually it was left unsaid with silence which in itself is deafening.

 

Your words of guidance are valuable to any dumpee (although I know not if I am the dumper or dumpee, lol), if [highlight]THEY WANTED TO REACH US, FIGHT FOR US, THEY WOULD, THEY KNOW HOW[/highlight]. And that's the story...

[Tamahome560]

Thanks for the input again!

 

No need to be nice to me. I'm quite aware of how badly I screwed up, I don't need sugar coating. Reality is harsh. And it's nice to see input from others. Constructive criticism. Thanks again!

 

I haven't been in contact with her for days and I'll follow everyone's advice and I will not be making any moves or contact whatsoever. I don't want her to resent me more than she possibly does now.

 

There is however a good chance we might see each other at a party we are both to attend at the end of this month. I can't really bail on it, so I suppose the best course of action is to try and avoid her, pass a smile if we do end up seeing each other and escape the scene asap?

 

I'm still in the phase where I somewhat hope we could have a fresh start someday, but that would require me actually learning from this experience and improving upon myself, and well as for her I suppose it would require quite a bit more.

[KatZee]

There is however a good chance we might see each other at a party we are both to attend at the end of this month. I can't really bail on it, so I suppose the best course of action is to try and avoid her, pass a smile if we do end up seeing each other and escape the scene asap?

 

I'm still in the phase where I somewhat hope we could have a fresh start someday, but that would require me actually learning from this experience and improving upon myself, and well as for her I suppose it would require quite a bit more.

 

Go to the party, have fun with your friends, if you see her just smile say hi and be on your way. Do not make conversation or hang around. Be cordial, that's about it.

 

As for hoping for a fresh start, get rid of it. Hope will kill you. She ended it. It's over. End of story. Hoping will just keep you living in the past. Also, this relationship wasn't long enough for you to feel hopeful of a reconciliation. She gave it a shot, it wasn't working for her, she's moving on. If you guys had been together for years and something like this happened, I'd say you'd have a larger chance but even then it's still a crapshoot.

 

There's no history with you guys, no intermixing of lives, it's just didn't work. Most relationships DON'T work. On to the next, as they say.

[siankat]

Aw i feel for you. You just came on too strong (even though it was mutual), u are aware of ur tendency and need to just reign it in no matter how hard someone else pushes it..you realise it as well. Not all instincts are good ones no matter how amazing u feel. Be cool now

[Tamahome560]

Yeah I did come on too strong, on the other hand I was going at a pace she wanted me to, at the start anyway. I didn't really notice any signs of it all coming. It was very sudden and pushing breaks suddenly has caused some whiplash. If I only was more patient and stronger at that time.