I need your

[Castled]

I want to apologize to the forum members for this being my first post. I really feel this is an emergency and I need as many opinions as I can get right now.

 

I'll try to keep it brief for your benefit.

 

I had a very troubled relationship that lasted over a year. It was a very tense relationship, which even had an expiration date set almost from the beginning. That relationship ended 2.5 years ago, but it was the most intense and meaningful relationship I ever had. Needless to say, we ended up in not very good terms, which caused all of her promises to keep in contact to be broken.

 

Since Nov 14, 2010 we only talked once, and that was on the phone, in Dec 2011. That conversation ended in disaster and yelling and you know the rest.

 

Last night she showed up at my house at 9:30 PM. And that's when things started to get weird. She says she's afraid of me and don't want to be friends with me, that in fact she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. To my obvious question of why then she went to my house, her answer was that she was hanging out with a friend and her friend insisted she came to see me (?), so she went. Our conversion didn't include anything about current feelings or things like that. We basically just talked about the past and how that made us feel. When she was leaving almost at midnight I asked if we would see each other again before she left (she leaves abroad, and is now married), and she said she doubted it. I asked if she would call and she said she "would try".

 

Now, I'm glad we patched up most of the sour parts of our past together. But that visit was bizarre to say the least. I know we needed some closure, but to me that's not a proper way to bring closure to a past relationship, and in fact it doesn't feel like closure was brought.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love that woman, and will always do. I don't think anything in this world can bring us back together. She's married, lives thousand of miles away and she says she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. In these 2.5 years I've come to accept it. I've suffered like hell but always respected her distance and never ever tried to contact her, and have in many ways moved on.

 

All I want from you guys is to try to think of reasons why she went to see me last night, so late at night, and with such weird motives. I've got a few theories of my own but I want to validate them by listening to others.

 

I admit I can't understand women. But ladies, please, I would like to know if you could ever do something like that and if you could, what would move you to do it.

 

Sorry again for the long post.

Edited April 4, 2013 by Castled

[wisernow]

It's been over for 2.5 years.

She's married

Lives in another country.

I have no idea why she came to see you.

Maybe it was her closure.

 

What does closure mean to you?

 

It's over.

[carhill]

She's married, lives abroad and you and she had a good in-person 'ending' talk. Any communication with her, as a married person, and considering your backstory, is inappropriate.

 

Call this one done, eliminate contact means and move on. If she shows up at your door again unannounced, send her on her way.

[Castled]

What does closure mean to you?

 

It's over.

 

Thanks.

 

It is over. Of course it is, regardless of my feelings. I'm 41, and I know we must accept things we can't change even if we don't like them.

 

Closure to me was a lot different, because I had to work on it by myself. It's a lot harder that way, because you don't get any feedback. The moment I found myself wanting her to be happy at all costs, I knew I had moved on.

That's why this episode has troubled me so much.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[Castled]

She's married, lives abroad and you and she had a good in-person 'ending' talk. Any communication with her, as a married person, and considering your backstory, is inappropriate.

 

I understand. However, that was always the nature of our relationship. I met her when she was already engaged. I know that's inappropriate, too. But sometimes emotions make us bend our own rules.

[wisernow]

Thanks.

 

It is over. Of course it is, regardless of my feelings. I'm 41, and I know we must accept things we can't change even if we don't like them.

 

Closure to me was a lot different, because I had to work on it by myself. It's a lot harder that way, because you don't get any feedback. The moment I found myself wanting her to be happy at all costs, I knew I had moved on.

That's why this episode has troubled me so much.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I hear what you're saying, but consider this. Closure comes from within. There isn't anything she can say or give you that will give you that. You have to give yourself closure. I do agree that is was weird with her just showing up out of the blue, and really, who knows what her motives were, but like Carhill said, if she try's to make contact again, just show her the door.

 

Good luck.

[Castled]

I hear what you're saying, but consider this. Closure comes from within. There isn't anything she can say or give you that will give you that. You have to give yourself closure. I do agree that is was weird with her just showing up out of the blue, and really, who knows what her motives were, but like Carhill said, if she try's to make contact again, just show her the door.

 

Good luck.

 

I know it's the right thing to do. But how do you push away the only person in this world you ever want to be with?. Right, wrong, appropriate, inappropriate, it all becomes fuzzy when strong emotions are involved.

[carhill]

I understand. However, that was always the nature of our relationship. I met her when she was already engaged. I know that's inappropriate, too. But sometimes emotions make us bend our own rules.

What may be 'fuzzy' when BF/GF or engaged becomes clearly inappropriate when one or both people are married, presuming the culture doesn't support open polyamory. The test? Behave and talk amongst yourselves as normal in front of her husband. If he's good to go, then proceed.