jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 A bit of backstory: I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we've known each other for almost 5 years. We had a brief relationship back when we were in high school and then got back together 2 years later. He's almost 21 and I'll be 20 next year. Recently, I've been noticing his mom tighten the reigns more and more on him. He still lives at home because he's in fire training. Anyway, his mom is super over-protective of him and our big thing now is that she won't let him spend the night. She told him last night when he asked, "I have different opinions about you spending the night there but you can make the decision." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. At the beginning of our relationship he spent the night a few times without her giving him much grief about it but now it never happens. It's not about having sex, either. I honestly just want him to stay over. Last night he asked because we're going on a day trip soon and we are leaving early. He lives about 45 minutes away and it would just make more sense if he stayed with me so he didn't have to get up at 5 in the morning and be tired all day. But she still showed disapproval for it. I feel like I'm dealing with a 16 year old's mother instead of a 21 year old's mother. She also thinks it's a "bad example" for his 17 year old sister if he stays because she'll want to stay at her boyfriend's house... But she's only 17 and so is her boyfriend, so it's makes sense that she wouldn't allow that. Does anyone have any ideas of what my boyfriend and I can do to make her see that it's not a big deal and we're both responsible enough to do our own thing? It's not like we aren't cautious about sex and we're not into anything illegal since we both want high standing careers but we're being treated like parolees anyway. Thank you for your time.
Drseussgrrl Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 That's weird. You've been together a year and you're both over 18. He should be allowed to what he wants. I could see her saying no to your not staying there since it's her house, but she shouldn't object to his staying at your place. Are they religious?
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Exactly. I would get it if I wanted to be at her house. No. Their family is Catholic but they don't practice it. Also, she was married to my boyfriend's dad at my boyfriend's age.
TigerCub Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I think it has more to do with the 17 year old sister. She doesn't want her son doing things that she will have a bigger problem if her daughter did them. And the daughter will use the reasoning of "well you let [boyfriend's name] do it - so why can't I" And in all honesty, parents have a bigger issue of their daughters sleeping around than they do their sons (most parents). And 17 isn't that far away from 21 really. Anyways, if your boyfriend has such an issue with it and he wants to be treated like an adult, he should get his own place where he will live by his own rules.
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 I know it has a lot to do with his sister because she's just demanding when it comes to getting things her way. Like I said, he's training to be a firefighter. He's not going to drop that to get a minimum wage job just to move out.
clia Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Does anyone have any ideas of what my boyfriend and I can do to make her see that it's not a big deal and we're both responsible enough to do our own thing? He can move out of her house. If he does that, he stay wherever he wants at night. Her position may seem overprotective and unreasonable to you, but if he's living in her house he has to follow her rules, no matter how old he is. 1
TigerCub Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I know it has a lot to do with his sister because she's just demanding when it comes to getting things her way. Like I said, he's training to be a firefighter. He's not going to drop that to get a minimum wage job just to move out. I don't much about training to be a firefighter but can't he get a job and still do the training?
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 I understand they are her rules. ^Read above. He's in training so he can't move out. What I don't understand is why she would let him spend the night multiple times when we first started dating and then just stop letting him after we have established a secure relationship.
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Training is 6 days a week until June... 5 to 10 hour days.
TigerCub Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I understand they are her rules. ^Read above. He's in training so he can't move out. What I don't understand is why she would let him spend the night multiple times when we first started dating and then just stop letting him after we have established a secure relationship. Maybe the sister didn't start asking for the same treatment until recently and that caused the mom to pause and think about how her treatment of the son will affect what's expected when it comes to the daughter. Or maybe it's not about the daughter, maybe the mom has some judgmental friends. So you said that he finishes training in June - 2 months, then he can get a job and work on getting his own place - that's not so long.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I understand they are her rules. ^Read above. He's in training so he can't move out. What I don't understand is why she would let him spend the night multiple times when we first started dating and then just stop letting him after we have established a secure relationship. Completely irrelevant. You aren't the parent. You certainly aren't the one supporting him. Thus, you don't get to decide what rules are "reasonable." If he finds her rules untenable, he's at an age where he can go live independently. His choice to continue to live under his mother's roof. Her house. Her rules. It may seem unfair to you, but that's the way life works generally. When he lives independently then he can follow whatever rules he deems fit (and suffer whatever consequences might be attached to his behavior). I would avoid turning this into the teenage equivalent of a tantrum. It works against you. 1
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 It's not the friends. Her closest friends have teen daughters & let them go on month long vacations and things with their boyfriends. I doubt I'd even be able to go for a week. Firefighting isn't as simple as getting an internship. I wish it was only 2 more months. All I'm asking for is one night for our day trip. That's it. He doesn't pester her about spending the night or anything. And besides, his sister is out of town at the moment with her boyfriend and his family and who knows what they're doing or where she's sleeping.
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 I'm not throwing a tantrum. I am asking for reasonable advice to get him to spend one night for our day trip. Not advice such as "Just move out" because we all know it's not that simple.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 We've explained things from her perspective. What else are you hoping for here? We can't change her mind for you.
TigerCub Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Other than moving out - his other option is to shut up and deal with it. Also, it HIS mom that's making a big deal of things - it's not up to you to figure out how to get around it. Why isn't he standing up to his mom and speaking his mind and telling her that he's an adult and he's spending the night with you on this day trip. Just the mere fact that his girlfriend has to figure out a way for him to deal with his mommy makes him out to be more child than adult. It's his mom, his business, you may not like it (and I don't blame you) but it's on him to deal with his mom. There really isn't any other advice: - move out (which you seem to think is so impossible) or - He talks to his mom and tells her he's spending the night and that's that - He deals with the fact that he's living in her house and needs to abide by her rules. I can't see what any other option there is.
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 I know what her perspective is & obviously you can't change her mind. I'm saying if you were in her position what points would help you see that we're not just spending the night to shag, we're doing it for a logical reason?
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 I don't know why you're attacking me for asking for help. You are all older than me so you have more experience and some of you probably have kids of your own. I never said moving out was impossible, it's just going to be a while. I'm asking you as a parent (or if you were one) what would help you see that we aren't doing this to just have sex one night, we're doing it for a logical reason? He didn't ask me to help him, by the way. I'm doing this on my own. I didn't think it was such a crime to ask for help.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 No one is attacking you. You just don't like the message. First, it's not your battle to fight. Second, you're so focused on one specific event, that you're turning it into a lose-lose proposition for yourself. One thing that you'll eventually learn in life is that it's in your best interest to forfeit an occasional battle because it sets you up to win the war. I played that game like a virtuoso as a teenager. Again, doggedly fighting her on this is not in your best interest. Not by a long shot. But carry on.
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 The message is fine because I've been living it for over a year. I wasn't talking about you attacking me, but anyone calling my boyfriend a child when all they know about him is this little bit of information is a bit ignorant. I'm asking a specific question and so far no one has answered it.
Quiet Storm Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 "I have different opinions about you spending the night there but you can make the decision." This doesn't sound like she is forbidding him, just offering her opinion and allowing him to decide. She may be guilt tripping him, but she's still giving him the choice. This is something that is between him & his mom. He needs to say "I respect your opinions, Mom, and will consider them. But ultimately I am a grown man and will make my own choices. I hope you will respect my decisions, even if you don't always agree with them." 1
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Alright, obviously I'm not getting anywhere with all of you. Thanks for your time but talking to people who are clouded by the stereotypical view on young relationships isn't what my relationship needs. I will take my unanswered question elsewhere.
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Oh my goodness. Thank you for answering my question Quiet Storm. I will talk to him, because he's not really good at communicating things like that. 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Alright, obviously I'm not getting anywhere with all of you. Thanks for your time but talking to people who are clouded by the stereotypical view on young relationships isn't what my relationship needs. I will take my unanswered question elsewhere. And go clean your room while you're at it.
Author jtcb Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 My whole apartment is spotless. Thanks for your concern though. <3
TigerCub Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 The message is fine because I've been living it for over a year. I wasn't talking about you attacking me, but anyone calling my boyfriend a child when all they know about him is this little bit of information is a bit ignorant. I'm asking a specific question and so far no one has answered it. If he can't stand up to his mom and deal with this issue on his own then yeah he's acting like a child. I wasn't attacking you, but if you want to turn it into that - fine have at it. everyone tried to tell you that the best thing is for him to be on his own - fine he can't do that - there are no more options other than him talking to his mother and dealing with it. I'm not a parent so I don't know if there is something that can be said that would change her mind. I don't know if it is the sex thing that's making her changer her mind about things now - neither do you. If it were the sex thing, it would have bothered her from the beginning. Another thing occurred to me - maybe he doesn't want to spend nights with you for whatever reason and is trying to blame it on his mom. Is that even a possibility? Because why would she suddenly have a problem with things? At first yeah I agreed that it had something to do with the daughter but later you said that the daughter was away with her bf and his family.
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