King_Crimson Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) My girlfriend, with whom I live with, went out for a girl's night out of town with a friend. She said she would be back around 12:30/1 am. We agreed that I'd wait up for her to let her in the house (both aware that I had to work the next day). At 2:00am I woke up (I fell asleep while waiting for her) and realized she wasn't there and hadn't left a message on my phone. I called her and she said her driver had been drinking at the party, so I offered to pick her up. She said she would text me the address. By 2:45am she still hadn't texted me the address so I called her and she said her driver wasn't drinking and she was on her way back to our place. By 4:00am she still wasn't home, so I called her. She told me that they dropped off her friend at her place (which is a 5 minute drive from our house) and that she changed her mind and was going to go back to the house where they were having the girl's night to sleep. The girls she was hanging out with are 10 years older (she's 19 and they're 27-33) and I had no idea where she was (she refused to give me the address), she was wasted (she promised she wouldn't drink because she had to work the next day), and there were actually boys at this "girl's night". I got really upset at her over this and almost broke up. I mean, I love and trust her to death and I know she won't cheat and I want her to go have fun with her girlfriend's. It's just I want her to keep her promises so I can trust her fully. She also never met these girl's before and I had no idea who they were and where they were so I was worried sick all night long :S. I would have even been happy knowing that she went back home her parent's place, just as long as I knew where she was. Thanks. Edited April 4, 2013 by King_Crimson
CarrieT Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 The girls she was hanging out with are 10 years older (she's 19 and they're 27-33) and I had no idea where she was (she refused to give me the address), she was wasted (she promised she wouldn't drink because she had to work the next day), and there were actually boys at this "girl's night". Let me recap this: She is ten years younger than the people she is partying with. She refused to tell you where she was. She was wasted. There were guys there. She was HOURS late. Yeah, you should be upset. In fact - if you were me - I would be single now and wouldn't stay with someone who did this to me. I used to put up with crap like that from someone and it took being walked all over multiple times before I had the strength to see through the lies and manipulations. 4
carhill Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Welcome to LS How old are you and how long have you been living together with your girlfriend and how long have you been a couple?
Author King_Crimson Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Thank you . We've been a couple almost a year. I'm 22 and she's 19 and we've been kind of living together for 5 months now (she often sleeps at my house; almost every night).
carhill Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Thanks. Did you 'move in together' as a couple, meaning you are jointly sharing a lease/mortgage, etc or did one or the other move into an existing domicile? How do you handle your communication when away from her, like for a 'boys night out'? What's her relationship history? Often, history can provide insight into behavior. What do you propose as a solution to this issue?
Author King_Crimson Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) She moved into my parent's house, and lives part time at her dad's place (she splits the rent between the two houses; her father makes her pay rent but lowered it because she lives with me mostly now). When I'm out I'll text her if plans change (which hardly ever happens). We almost always make plans to meetup after were out for the night. I don't usually have guys nights though to be honest, I just hang out with groups of friends (we share familiar friend groups and often go together). I don't really enjoy 'guys nights' that much I suppose. She's had a bad past. She was kicked out of the house when she was 14 and was pretty promiscuous most of her life. She has had 3 boyfriends (including me) but many sexual partners (although she says she never cheated). Her two other relationships lasted 2 years each. However, they were less serious than our relationship and I consider them more casual. One thing I will note is that she tends to move into new relationships pretty quick, but I base this mostly on the fact that she has never been in a serious relationship like ours before. My solution was that she can't do this to me because it makes me upset and unhappy and I need to trust her for the relationship to work. She apologized and said that she wouldn't act like that again. She's done this to me a few times before and I told her that she has to try to respect me more or I'd have to move on. I feel bad because I made her cry and stuff... I dunno, she's my girl right? Why can't she just think before she acts? Edited April 4, 2013 by King_Crimson
Author King_Crimson Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 So, do you think what I posted above about our life and her past has anything to do with her behaviour at all? Thanks, really appreciate the posts.
carhill Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Her being young and her FOO history are key factors in her current behavior set. Seriously, don't expect things to change. Set your boundaries in a reasonable and fair fashion and, if breached, walk. 3
Author King_Crimson Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Yep, I assumed so. It's a shame because she's a pretty terrific gal in contrast to this behaviour. Thanks everyone for the opinions/advise .
NervisPervis Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 She's had a bad past. She was kicked out of the house when she was 14 and was pretty promiscuous most of her life. She has had 3 boyfriends (including me) but many sexual partners... She's done this to me a few times before and I told her that she has to try to respect me more or I'd have to move on. And now this little party gal of yours has fallen in with a toxic older crowd. Not good. Not good at all. Partying with the boys 'till 4AM. She's 19. A little lying. She's done it before. She likes casual sex. You are in for a ride. Good luck my friend.
NervisPervis Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I had no idea where she was (she refused to give me the address), she was wasted...and there were actually boys at this "girl's night". How the hell did I miss THAT? Drinking and picking up boys at 4AM and she "REFUSED" to tell you where she was? She also never met these girl's before. I don't even know what that MEANS!
Author King_Crimson Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 How the hell did I miss THAT? Drinking and picking up boys at 4AM and she "REFUSED" to tell you where she was? I don't even know what that MEANS! Well, to be fair, she admitted to me the next day that 2 boys showed up at this girl's night thing, but I don't think she was hitting on them or anything. And what I meant by 'She never met these girls before' is that she met them for the first time that night at the girl's night. Her friend left her there after they dropped her off and she decided to sleep at their place, even though she barely knew them (that's probably the biggest issue I have with the whole situation). She is a handful, that's for sure :S.
Toddbt12y1 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Your ex reminds me of my Ex Gemma...her dad did the samething to her. Near the same age..no it was 14. She also quite handily lied to me on a regular basis. Long story short, she is now far away in kanata CA. Frankly the other posters are right...I'd left her. But I understand your desire to not leave her...I was with mine for four years...I watched her become a monster. I suggest you escape whilst you can.
veggirl Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 She was most likely cheating on you. She is only 19, too young to be so serious. She has a fked up past and clearly hasn't worked it out. She needs the attention I'm sure. You aren't going to fix her, do you think you are going to settle down with a girl you meet when she is 19? No way. She has YEARS of growing up to do and she is probably still YEARS from even starting that process. I would have been livid if I was you. She was straight up lying to you and buying time. Oh and she is 19 and has already had 2 two-year relationships plus been with you for a year?! Trainwreck.... she can't be alone, she REQUIRES validation from men. You are in for a bumpy ass ride if you stay. Why did her other relationships end? 1
NervisPervis Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 what I meant by 'She never met these girls before' is that she met them for the first time that night at the girl's night. Her friend left her there after they dropped her off and she decided to sleep at their place, even though she barely knew them... Still not getting it...
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Thank you . We've been a couple almost a year. I'm 22 and she's 19 and we've been kind of living together for 5 months now (she often sleeps at my house; almost every night). This is not the same as "living together". Her sleeping over is not sharing house responsibilities, paying bills, etc.. Does she pay rent? No? Then she isn't living with you. Anyway, obviously she wanted a night out or totally changed her mind about coming back at a certain time. She should have just said I'm having too much fun go to sleep, I'm fine. BUt, she made it worse by lying and that is the issue here, why she felt the need to lie a few times to you, like she was up to no good.
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I feel bad because I made her cry and stuff... I dunno, she's my girl right? Why can't she just think before she acts? She's 19! She is far from ready to settle down and play house, live with you full time, be responsible, put you first more often, and compromise. Seems as you've said she's done this before. She may not have 'cheated on' you but she may have flirted and just let loose, had fun talking to other guys. IF that is the case, then that is OK..She just didn't have to lie and hide stuff from you.
TheGuard13 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Yeah, you should be upset. She lied to you. Either she's lying to you over something she wouldn't need to lie about, or she's lying to cover up something (probably whatever happened with the boys) at the party/sleepover. Either of those is a good reason to be upset with her. The fact that she "let slip" that there were some boys there the day after she first told you what happened is a bit concerning. She's parceling out the truth. 1
Author King_Crimson Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) This is not the same as "living together". Her sleeping over is not sharing house responsibilities, paying bills, etc.. Does she pay rent? No? Then she isn't living with you. Anyway, obviously she wanted a night out or totally changed her mind about coming back at a certain time. She should have just said I'm having too much fun go to sleep, I'm fine. BUt, she made it worse by lying and that is the issue here, why she felt the need to lie a few times to you, like she was up to no good. She does pay rent, we make dinner and breakfast together, we are together at my house most of the day on weekends and at night during the week, etc; therefore, I consider us 'living together'. She did tell me to go bed and she would be okay, but, because I was upset she wouldn't tell me where she was or who she was with and said she would come back then never showed and never told me, that's the issue. I don't mind her going out for a girl's night and staying at her friend's place: keyword being FRIEND'S place. Not a girl you just met at a party. You shouldn't just trust people at the drop of a hat, especially when you're 19 and they're in their 30's and you're drunk. She was most likely cheating on you. She is only 19, too young to be so serious. She has a fked up past and clearly hasn't worked it out. She needs the attention I'm sure. You aren't going to fix her, do you think you are going to settle down with a girl you meet when she is 19? No way. She has YEARS of growing up to do and she is probably still YEARS from even starting that process. I would have been livid if I was you. She was straight up lying to you and buying time. Oh and she is 19 and has already had 2 two-year relationships plus been with you for a year?! Trainwreck.... she can't be alone, she REQUIRES validation from men. You are in for a bumpy ass ride if you stay. Why did her other relationships end? I asked her if she wanted to take it slow and she said no. I don't really do less serious relationships anyway; I dunno why, I just don't; it's always been that way for me (I've only been in two my entire life; only had sex with 2 girls). She broke up with her other boyfriends. One went to prison, the other was a bit of a loser and she actually fell for me so she left him and we hooked up a week later (I know, I know). She's also bisexual so she's had sex with more then just men... she's just very open-minded and stuff. She was also raped at a young age so this has part to do with it. Guys, she didn't cheat on me or flirt with other guys. Trust me lol. I know her well, she's absolutely infatuated with me (everyone tells me and I can see it in her eyes). She is just really dumb (I feel bad saying this but it's true). She doesn't think about the consequences of her actions and stuff. She did tell me to go to sleep and she would be fine, but I wanted to know where she was and why she kept changing her mind because I was worried. That's the issue. She shouldn't just ditch me then not tell me where she's sleeping and stuff. She's just kind of a "let the wind take me" kind of person and it's stressful. It's actually really messing up our chemistry right now. I'm having trouble forgiving her for it, among other things. I guess it's because I'm such a different person I can't see it from her perspective (I'm pretty quiet; don't really like to go out as often; don't get ridiculous when I drink; would never ditch my lover to sleep at some random person's house; etc). Edited April 5, 2013 by King_Crimson
Toddbt12y1 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 She has some issues, that's for sure. Really, just talk to her and make it crystal clear she needs to honor what she says. Like I said, she reminds me of my ex Gemma. A lot of similarities. It is gonna be a hard battle. It is upsetting you quite a bit, so make it clearer.
NervisPervis Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Good luck, my friend. You're in for one hell of a ride.
Author King_Crimson Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 She has some issues, that's for sure. Really, just talk to her and make it crystal clear she needs to honor what she says. Like I said, she reminds me of my ex Gemma. A lot of similarities. It is gonna be a hard battle. It is upsetting you quite a bit, so make it clearer. Thank you, I appreciate the perspective. We'll be fine, she understands I'm upset. I'm not going to leave her just because of her past though, nor will I try to change her. Just hope she understands what my boundaries are, and if doesn't work, it doesn't work . 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Thank you, I appreciate the perspective. We'll be fine, she understands I'm upset. I'm not going to leave her just because of her past though, nor will I try to change her. Just hope she understands what my boundaries are, and if doesn't work, it doesn't work . Well least there is no proof of cheating, so we can only guess she hasn't. Least she honors that boundary...I wish my once gemma/sara girl would have had the same respect least she's miles away from me Haha! Good luck though! 1
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