did he really lose attraction for me? or is it fear of intimacy?

[my body is a cage]

my ex boyfriend and i broke up about a month ago after a 9 month relationship. for the past 3 months we had been on and off, because his son was moving and he didn't feel he was ready for a serious relationship, which to be fair, he is not - his son moved to another state and he can hardly afford child support, etc.

 

during our tumultuous period, he would pressure me for skype sex all the time and tell me the things he wanted to do to me. we saw each other a month ago. we slept together, then afterwards he asked me to move to a different state w him, but said he didn't want to have sex too often bc he is afraid of intimacy and not ready for a serious relationship.

 

this hurt me, and i felt sexually rejected, and i kept pushing the topic. he would cuddle with me, hug me, kiss me, but we did not sleep with each other again. i took it personally and felt like it was ME he had lost attraction for, even though we used to be wildly attracted to each other and had great chemistry in bed. also, my apparence hasn't changed at all, and people consider me quite attractive.

 

anyway, we ended up having a huge fight because i found out he was talking to other girls online. i found this super sketchy and called him out on it and said i was not moving with him and i didn't want to speak with him. i asked him if he lost attraction for ME specifically or if he was just afraid of intimacy in general, and he said it was both. so basically i feel like after our loving chemistry fueled relationship, he suddenly lost attraction.

 

since then, he has called me a couple of times and i didnt asnwer. he sent me a fb message asking if im still not taling to him as if our whole relationship was pointless, and i said no its not pointless but im not ready to talk. then a couple of weeks later he deleted me! so i called him to ask why and he said that it was bc he wanted me to see that he deleted me and call him, and it worked also, he talked about hanging out and visiting me etc.

 

so, we eventually had a mature / pleasant conversation, but im still crushed by his actions. also, it may be worth mentioning that he has been sexually abused in the past, and has some sexual hangups, that may or may not be too painful for him to address w someone he is emotionally intimate, and i know i was his closest emotional connection.

 

i love him and i miss him, but i feel so rejected. he has made me feel unattractive. i feel like he is grossed out by me and wanted to chat w other girls or anything he could because he found me so unattractive. he explicitly stated it was a fear of intimacy bc sex brings people clsoer and hes afraid to be emotionally dependent on someone and vice versa . i understand that its kind of classic that someone w intimacy issues would be more confortable talking to strangers online, and i know for sure he has intimacy issues - i was his first serious gf in 5 years since his "babymamma" and i know i meant a lot to him. still, i feel really hurt by the way he treated me

 

so my question is: is it possible that he lost attraction for ME specifically, or could he have still felt desire, but was afraid to act on it bc of his issues? im having trouble distinguishing between fear of intimacy vs. attraction vs. actually desire to have sex. is it possible to be attracted to someone but afraid to sleep with them when you have an emotional connection? or does the fear of intimacy quell physical attraction?

 

i love him and i care about him, but he made me feel so rejected and unattractive.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Who gives a sthi why, man. This guy is clearly a dick and a loser. Why are u wasting your time thinking about him?

[my body is a cage]

thanks for your response lucy. so are you saying he did lose attraction for me definitely then? i mean, he said he did... but he didn't act like he did. idk.

 

im wasting my time thinking about him bc i love him and care about him. when our relationship was good it was really good and i miss him and that. just sad about it, is all

[wisernow]

What's up with your self esteem, or rather a lack of? You're more interested in him finding you attractive, or not. What about treating you like crap? This guy is a douche. Whether he finds you attractive or not isn't the issue. My advice is do dump this guy on a permanent basis.

[my body is a cage]

hey wisernow, i know my self esteem leaves a lot to be desired. i'm trying to work on it / am in therapy, but it's not helping that much

 

i did dump him, and on a permanent basis. at first i was REALLY mad bc of his douchebag behavior but now i miss him and am sad, although i don't want to get back together.

 

i guess i'm focusing on whether or not he lost attraction for me bc if he did, it feels like an added blow to my self esteem because it was MY fault.

[wisernow]

hey wisernow, i know my self esteem leaves a lot to be desired. i'm trying to work on it / am in therapy, but it's not helping that much

 

i did dump him, and on a permanent basis. at first i was REALLY mad bc of his douchebag behavior but now i miss him and am sad, although i don't want to get back together.

 

i guess i'm focusing on whether or not he lost attraction for me bc if he did, it feels like an added blow to my self esteem because it was MY fault.

 

Is that you in your picture? If so, girl, please, you're beautiful. Of course, my or anyone telling you that doesn't help, if you don't believe it. I don't think this guy treated you poorly for any other reason than the fact that he's a douce. Stay strong, get out with your friends, meet some new men and don't accept anyone treating you poorly, demand more!