MoreThanThat Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I posted before about a situation I'm dealing with and had no responses. Here's the thread. Yesterday, I asked him straight forward whether he considered this friends only or not. He gave a lengthy answer which somewhat surprised me. He said he hadn't really thought about more given we hadn't met. I entirely get we haven't met but he is in continual contact with me. I hear from him first thing every day and the last thing before sleeping. This is more contact than I've had IN relationships when we've been in different cities. The rest of the answer came down to him not discounting anything but wanting to wait until we met and that he has been casually dating in a vague terms. I said fine - I get that. This is about expectations of what was going on. I'm not necessarily frazzled about wanting more than this, it's just been the not knowing part that has been difficult and not wanting to become emotionally invested in something that was just a friendship. I also said that I would continue to date. (There are a couple of men interested in me who I'd actually like to get to know if this other man wasn't in the picture.) After the conversation, he pretty well went back to the normal frequency of exchanges with me - more or less like it hadn't happened. We won't see each other for another month. We still do not have definite plans to see each other alone. This week, he is away on business and it would be tough with his schedule to maintain the same level of communication we had been. He definitely made an effort today to do so. But once he gets back, there will be another 3 weeks. I really like this guy. But the frequency/level of exchanges makes me feel really odd. At MINIMUM we've spent 1-2 hrs a day chatting or on the phone every single day. Given both of our schedules, this is a serious time commitment. I get everything he said but the casual dating comment kind of irked me given the amount of time/contact we have. This is pretty much most of the free time I have for socializing. We're not talking several months before I'm back there, but weeks. I'm wondering if for my own sanity right now if I just need to ease back on my side on communications/responsiveness. I never call him - he calls me at times convenient for both of us. He always messages me first. I don't always respond right away typically but I do as soon as I can. The thing is - I also don't want to screw this up too. If I pull back too much, I don't want him to think I'm not interested either.
CC12 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I'm wondering if for my own sanity right now if I just need to ease back on my side on communications/responsiveness. I think you need to ease back on your expectations. If that means easing back on your responsiveness, then do that. The way I see it, since you guys aren't even dating, you are not going to screw this up by being less chatty with him. You don't know each other. There should be no expectations on either of you. 1
Noproblem Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 He is a business man, I thought you of all people should know that a business man doesn't strike a deal without making sure everything is good and will help him to succeed. He is a business man, that sums it all...He won't do or say anything until he sees you in person and sees how well you two get along...... But I can assure you he is interested so far, but anything can happen after you meet, maybe he will like even more, or maybe he won't! 1
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 6, 2013 Author Posted April 6, 2013 So an update on this. The situation - for whatever reason - has really been driving me batty. This is the first time I've felt almost OCD about a guy since I was a teen. It's weird for me because online I get men being VERY aggressive with me with barely knowing me. This is now the second time that someone I met online has remotely intrigued me and I was ready to open the door. I decided to 'disappear' for the weekend online just to try and get some distance. We're at 5 weeks now of daily contact, although the past few days with him being out of town on business, it's been short messages. I'm only supposed to go back there in 5 weeks, but am thinking of moving my return up a few weeks. I'm really not sure if I can deal with this being in limbo for 5 more weeks 1
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 6, 2013 Author Posted April 6, 2013 Did you two meet? Not yet - see the post I made right after you commented.
Gottabestrong Posted April 6, 2013 Posted April 6, 2013 Since you have not even met in person yet, I think you should do everything in your power to calm down and not get emotionally invested. If that means cutting down on contact, do it. Don't fall for someone before you have even met. Unless you only want a phone/online relationship. You could be a perfect match in conversation, but that does not mean that attraction will be there face to face. My advice is to really let your head run the show here and not your heart/emotions. Good luck! 1
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 6, 2013 Author Posted April 6, 2013 Since you have not even met in person yet, I think you should do everything in your power to calm down and not get emotionally invested. If that means cutting down on contact, do it. Don't fall for someone before you have even met. Unless you only want a phone/online relationship. You could be a perfect match in conversation, but that does not mean that attraction will be there face to face. My advice is to really let your head run the show here and not your heart/emotions. Good luck! Thanks... this is SO irrational for me. That is driving me crazy more than anything else. I think just getting back earlier than I intended and getting meeting 'over with' is the right thing to do. Either way, it will remove the feeling of this being irrational.
Noproblem Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 So an update on this. The situation - for whatever reason - has really been driving me batty. This is the first time I've felt almost OCD about a guy since I was a teen. It's weird for me because online I get men being VERY aggressive with me with barely knowing me. This is now the second time that someone I met online has remotely intrigued me and I was ready to open the door. I decided to 'disappear' for the weekend online just to try and get some distance. We're at 5 weeks now of daily contact, although the past few days with him being out of town on business, it's been short messages. I'm only supposed to go back there in 5 weeks, but am thinking of moving my return up a few weeks. I'm really not sure if I can deal with this being in limbo for 5 more weeks Oh, it must be hard , but can't you move back in less than 5 weeks At least to end your misery, just see him in person maybe all the infatuation will turn into cold feelings! 1
outsidethebox Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 OP, I read this and your other thread with background. I'm confused as I usually am in situations like this. What in the world can you guys talk about for lengthy chats each evening and not know whether you're romantically interested in each other or not?
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Oh, it must be hard , but can't you move back in less than 5 weeks At least to end your misery, just see him in person maybe all the infatuation will turn into cold feelings! I'm waiting on one thing business-wise I should know the answer to by Tuesday and then can book to return earlier. I just need to know one way or another. One thing I hadn't mentioned is that we have dozens of mutual friends. He actually went out with my male best friend to a networking event and dinner a few days after I left town. 1
Noproblem Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I'm waiting on one thing business-wise I should know the answer to by Tuesday and then can book to return earlier. I just need to know one way or another. One thing I hadn't mentioned is that we have dozens of mutual friends. He actually went out with my male best friend to a networking event and dinner a few days after I left town. You can really talk to your male best friends to set up a meeting for you 3, if you couldn't make an appointment related to business 1
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 OP, I read this and your other thread with background. I'm confused as I usually am in situations like this. What in the world can you guys talk about for lengthy chats each evening and not know whether you're romantically interested in each other or not? We have a lot of common interests... amazingly so. You know how long-time friends have all these inside jokes because of common experiences? We've pretty well had that from day one because of being exposed to a lot of the same things. But it has been pretty well platonic exchanges - lines are firmly in place. I'm used to men flirting with me openly and he doesn't. It's not that he doesn't know how, he just doesn't. That's been the confusing thing for me more than anything. Since I asked him about whether this was a friendship for him or something more, he does seem to have loosened a little. 1
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 You can really talk to your male best friends to set up a meeting for you 3, if you couldn't make an appointment related to business haha... actually that is what the guy I'm interested in suggested to me - we all go out to dinner at some point when I get back. 1
Noproblem Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 But, again I would like to tell you, don't show you are very interested in him as guys like it when they work hard to get the girl's interest 1
outsidethebox Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I'm trying to see something positive in this but just not seeing it. He has lengthy chats with you every evening and hasn't thought about what you are to him? He's been casual dating? The amount of time and timing of his contact with you means basically you're his buddy, and it won't get beyond f**k buddy to be blunt. I can't say I've ever heard of this situation of a guy devoting that much time to being in constant touch with a woman and not thinking about whether it was more than friends. (Whether he has actually thought about it or not, knowing you wouldn't like the answer.) Does he have a relationship past that you know of? The guy sounds practically asexual to me. Maybe you see better prospects in this than me, in which case feel free to disregard my thoughts, but being irked the other day I think would just be the start with this guy.
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 I'm trying to see something positive in this but just not seeing it. He has lengthy chats with you every evening and hasn't thought about what you are to him? He's been casual dating? The amount of time and timing of his contact with you means basically you're his buddy, and it won't get beyond f**k buddy to be blunt. I can't say I've ever heard of this situation of a guy devoting that much time to being in constant touch with a woman and not thinking about whether it was more than friends. (Whether he has actually thought about it or not, knowing you wouldn't like the answer.) Does he have a relationship past that you know of? The guy sounds practically asexual to me. Maybe you see better prospects in this than me, in which case feel free to disregard my thoughts, but being irked the other day I think would just be the start with this guy. I hear from him pretty consistently through the day. I rarely ever initiate contact and do not call him either. He's definitely not asexual - 100% hetero. He's been married and has had several long-term relationships. In spite of what he said about casual dating, he hasn't since this started. I don't see how he could have. I've known where he was/who he was with and hear from him every 2-3 hours. Yeah, I am baffled. I've never seen behavior like this before. No baggage issues either. I'm also sure there are no self-confidence issues. I guess I'll need to wait to see until we meet what happens! 1
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 So he FINALLY asked me exactly when I am going back and when I said it may be sooner than planned, he asked me to let him know when I know for certain. I guess progress! 2
Noproblem Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 So he FINALLY asked me exactly when I am going back and when I said it may be sooner than planned, he asked me to let him know when I know for certain. I guess progress! Good news.....About time!
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 Good news.....About time! lol... my 2 best friends have been telling me he probably just 'assumes' we'll see each other when I get back. We are about a 10 minute drive apart. Still, the lack of reassurance is tough. thanks
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 So I give up Yesterday and this am things seemed to be progressing well. Some walls came down on both sides and it felt like we took several steps forward. This afternoon I booked my flight to get in earlier. All excited, text him and nothing for an hour. Then nothing at all encouraging. Nothing about getting together. Meanwhile, 3 men I'm not even interested in asked me out when they heard I was going back. Now several hours later and I've heard nothing more. I genuinely like this guy but I don't know what to make of his behavior regarding things between us. It's almost like he plays this game of say something I would never expect or don't react when I expect it. I talked to one of my close male friends and he said that he thinks the guy is expecting me to chase. Sorry - not my style. We meet halfway.
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 It's amazing how frustrating LD/online situations can be with people! I had backed up after my last post. On the weekend, he told me that he is dealing with some issues (serious ones) with one of his children. Teenager gone wild. We had a lengthy talk yesterday and I think we'll be okay. We're on the same page now and the frazzled state I've been in for weeks is gone. I get back in a week and although we still have no set plans for meeting, I am feeling a lot better than I was. I get in late morning and from what I know, he has no plans for that day. I'm considering sending him a text after I land and ask if he has dinner plans. Thoughts?
BluEyeL Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 I understood from readings and from my personal experience that talking too much by texting/phone usually is a waste of your time. There are men who like to do that for whatever reason and they are never seriously considering meeting and/or having a relationship. I would suggest moving on and not spending more mental energy on this guy. If he truly likes you, by not having so much access to you, he might make a move to meet and start something. If not doing that, he wasn't worth it. Either way, I think you should truly move on right now.
Author MoreThanThat Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 I understood from readings and from my personal experience that talking too much by texting/phone usually is a waste of your time. There are men who like to do that for whatever reason and they are never seriously considering meeting and/or having a relationship. I would suggest moving on and not spending more mental energy on this guy. If he truly likes you, by not having so much access to you, he might make a move to meet and start something. If not doing that, he wasn't worth it. Either way, I think you should truly move on right now. We were supposed to meet before I left town and I had to cancel due to a work emergency that came up. But things really only changed with us after I left. The backing away for a few days resulted in him wanting to talk. It was a lengthy one and we dealt with the issues both of us have. Basically it comes down to each of us having our own set of issues without meeting. I should clarify something I had left out in between updates. I was sure I had posted this but see now I didn't Later the same day I had told him the date I get in, I had asked didn't he want to see me because he hadn't mentioned anything. He said he assumed we would and would tell him when I was free for lunch or dinner. I had suggested something but he has kids then so put it back in his side to suggest date/time. I arrive on Thursday and he's tied up with kids Friday afternoon until Sunday evening.
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