reconciliation woes

[CantgetoveritNY]

And his W is pregnant? She needs to know she's been exposed to potential diseases by her H cheating with your wife!

 

The pregnant story is probably a lie to keep the OP quiet.

[anne1707]

How ironic. We have the OP here saying he knows a WW that told him not to tell the other BS. And wonder of wonders this cheating OW feels the same. Surprise OP, cheaters love to keep secrets. But if you bring it to light you will never regret it. Light kills affairs faster than Raid on a cockroach.

 

"This cheating OW" is actually a former WW and was saying tell the wife. Not quite sure why you are quoting me and attacking me.

[2sunny]

How ironic. We have the OP here saying he knows a WW that told him not to tell the other BS. And wonder of wonders this cheating OW feels the same. Surprise OP, cheaters love to keep secrets. But if you bring it to light you will never regret it. Light kills affairs faster than Raid on a cockroach.

 

So does consequences!

 

She's had no real pain and suffering for her bad behavior.

 

When she gets scared that her whole life is turned upside down - she might get willing to do her part in it= the heavy lifting!

 

For now - you seem to have suffered more than she has - and THAT puts you at the disadvantage in her crappy behavior.

 

Make her move! Exposé! File for divorce!

 

Then see if she changes!

[2sunny]

The pregnant story is probably a lie to keep the OP quiet.

 

All the more reason to contact his W!

 

A small fee to intelius will give contact info for the OM's wife.

[2sunny]

You've handed her too much of YOUR power!

 

You've allowed yourself to lower your standards to her level.

 

That can never be a good sign for reconciling any marriage!

 

She should be RAISING her standards to a higher level - and jumping through hoops to get there!

 

But since she's not = the M doesn't stand a chance of being healthy - since you've offered to lower the bar FOR her!

[CantgetoveritNY]

"This cheating OW" is actually a former WW and was saying tell the wife. Not quite sure why you are quoting me and attacking me.

 

So sorry! I though you said don't tell. My apologies! Yikes!

[anne1707]

So sorry! I though you said don't tell. My apologies! Yikes!

 

No problem

[CodeMonkey]

I definitely see the merit in contacting the OM's W, and in thinking about it more, ESPECIALLY if she might be pregnant. I will look into contacting her after I get back from my weekend.

 

As far as some of the posts in here go, I haven't been around long, so I don't know who might be considered a troll or not, but some of the posts in here have been borderline, if not outright, rude. If the intent of some of them is tough love, they're missing their mark, and if the intent is to incite me to take stronger, quicker action, I will politely dismiss them. A's happen because people don't think things through, so I see no harm in taking the other approach. I'm comfortable weighing my decisions before I take action, regardless of how strongly some of you appear to feel about your opinions.

 

The rest of you still have my heartfelt appreciation for your thoughtful, honest answers. I was feeling alone and broken this morning, and now I have validation and support for my instincts and feelings. Thank you.

[2sunny]

Please tell us you didn't take your W away for a weekend of fun?

[leonine]

You're going to get a lot of advice here CM. Some good, some bad, some well intentioned, and some not so much. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

 

I hope you get what you want out of your weekend.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Dday for me was a little over 2 months ago when my wife returned from a business trip and let me know she "made a mistake." I immediately knew she had been unfaithful on her trip, despite never having suspected anything of the like before. She had cheated with a man she had met 2 weeks prior on her first business trip at her new job. She thought I would leave.

What am I missing here? She met this guy on a business trip, then had sex with him two weeks later on another business trip, then told you it was "a mistake," hoping that you would leave. Why wouldn't she just leave you, if she didn't want to be with you? Did she really only meet the guy two weeks prior? Did they really only have sex this one time? Why would your wife confess?

Let's face facts: You know ONLY what your wife has told you.

Let me offer you possible reasons for the way she has handled this. She has been having a long-term affair with this guy. I don't know how long, but much longer than two weeks. Texting, sexting, risque pictures, I love you's, I want your c*ck, the whole nine yards. Other man's wife finds out and says she's going to expose the affair. Other man is not about to leave his pregnant wife and young family for your wife, who is just a hot piece of @ss to him. Your wife decides it's best to tell you before you find out from other man's wife. Her and other man devise the lie that they will stick to, and they are sticking to it. Other man wants to lay low until he can start dipping his wick again. Your wife wants to lay low until she is in a better position to leave you, and hopefully, in her mind, other man is ready to leave his wife.

There has been NC for a good while now

How do you know? Please don't tell me because your wife told you. Or that she "vowed" there has been

NC

.

we're both focused on reconciliation. She has shown genuine remorse,

and has been consistent in wanting to work things out;

 

How

so

? Your posts don't indicate that she is doing very much to help you get over this. You have stated that you are jealous of other betrayed spouses whose wives HAVE shown genuine remorse and have been willing to do everything and anything to make it up to their betrayed spouses.

Your wife is not even half in. She is biding her time, going through the motions, waiting for six months to pass,

so

she can pursue her single lifestyle. When you tell everyone it ended because you two couldn't reconcile after her adultery, she will tell everyone that the affair had nothing to do with it, that you both agreed that your marriage was lousy and you stayed with her for six months and even the therapist said how controlling and hurtful and mistrustful you were. In your wife's mind, she is NOT a cheater, she HATES cheaters, and she would NEVER cheat, except that, she DID. Since she hates cheating and cheaters

so

much, it must be your fault she cheated. Her REPUTATION is very important to her; she doesn't want to be known as a cheater;

so

she bides her time, getting her ducks in a

row

, and waiting for other man to get his stuff together to leave his wife (which he won't).

She's not attracted to me, though she loves me very much, and still struggles with her feelings for the OM.

Having only met twice, having sex the second time, and having been in contact for three weeks total, and she still is struggling with her feelings two months later? She loves you like a roommate.

I'm also disheartened by the amount of effort she's been putting into helping heal me after her selfishness. I understand that she's going through her mourning period, but I obviously need to feel like I come first.

As someone else posted, you are fourth - 1-her, 2-other man, 3-job, 4-you.

Again, two months has gone by. The affair "SUPPOSEDLY" only lasted a few weeks, with sex once. Something is not adding up here. Either the affair was longer than you were told, or they still are in contact with each other; most likely, both.

My wife did confronted me once about six months ago about not feeling "in love" with me anymore.

The affair likely was already begun at this point. This is when she was starting to develop feelings for the other man.

I've been working on my part and corrected my behavior, and have been lavishing her with attention, compliments, snuggles, and when she's willing, sex. This feels unfair to me, because it leaves me, the BS, wooing my WS wife.

Your wife is giving you pity sex. Maybe she needs a release, too. In any event, all this undeserved attention, compliments, snuggles (NEEDINESS) is not winning you any respect from your wife. She knows that this is unfair and can't respect a man who is willing to put up with such disrespect. It is a turn-off to her. You are competing with a man who has SUPPOSEDLY been in her life for only three weeks. She looks at you as being of lower value, because you are

so

available (and needy). Other man, who is completely unavailable because he won't leave his wife for your wife, is seen by your wife as having much higher value.

1) I know I want to make this work and at least stick through the 6 months of reconciliation we've committed to, but I want to know if there are good methods of encouraging more effort without pushing her away.

You have to be willing to be yourself and express your true feelings WITHOUT worrying

so

much about PUSHING HER AWAY. She is not worried about pushing you away. Put your feelings on an equal footing with hers.

2) She has, so far, been unwilling to quit the job, where the OM hasn't, but could potentially contact her at any time from his office, which I assume would set us back. Is it unreasonable for me to feel strongly about her quitting her job, even though she loves it?

Cheaters are LIARS. Believe only your wife's actions, not her words. If she says she loves you very much, then she tells you she still is grieving the other man, and she refuses to quit her job, her words are telling you one thing but her actions are telling you another.

When you got married, and you vowed to "forsake all others," did either of you ever think that you would choose a job you were on for three months over the spouse?

3) Is it unreasonable for her to keep her job, knowing how I feel?

She is not being reasonable. Her ACTIONS are telling you how she really feels about you, despite all her WORDS to the contrary.

 

I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. You are desperate to save your marriage. Your wife is not. This is not going to work out well for you. Sometimes, no matter what you do, the result will not be what you want it to be.

 

It is good that you have only given it six months. Please think real hard before extending that six months. Six months from now, AT BEST, things will be the same as they are now. AT BEST, your wife will still be undecided despite your best efforts. Please consider throwing in the towel at that point. It is only when you leave your wife and she sees what life is like without you that she will realize how much she wants to be with you.

[drifter777]

CodeMonkey: Your postings tell me that you are trying to work all of this out logically and keep it in your head instead of your heart. Most of us betrayed husbands did the same thing and we really do understand what's going on in your mind right now. You may believe you are thinking clearly but you simply are not in your right mind at this time. It is not possible for you to emotionally process your wife's betrayal so soon after d-day. You need help. Couples counseling is great for your marriage but you need to take care of yourself right now so I urge you to find your own counselor. Think of it this way; if your best friend came to you with your story and asked you for help, what would you do? Please be as kind to yourself as you would to that friend.

 

You need to proceed with great caution because you are going to live with the consequences of your decisions for the rest of your life. Reconciliation will be the hardest and most painful work you have ever done so think long and hard before committing any more of your time and heart to it. Understand that you will never forget what she has done and images of her screwing the OM will crash into your mind without warning for a long, long time. Even if you think of yourself as a forgiving person, finding forgiveness for this is different and might not be possible for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

A child who's already doomed to have a selfish child of a father.

By your own standard, isn't your future equally compromised as the child?

 

As you've found out the hard way, our partners have great ability to hurt us. And if we truly love them, they have an equally comprehensive ability to help us heal. You're just not getting much help ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CodeMonkey]

I've actually been acting within accordance of the advice and exercises given to me by both my CT and PT. I have been approaching this with optimism and trying to see both of our perspectives. I haven't lost sight of what I want or what I need, but I have been taking everything in and trying to amass and assimilate the information. I may very well come to the conclusions that some of these posts urge. In fact I've appreciated the validation as much as I've appreciated the way everyone is challenging my thinking. The bottom line is that I reserve the right to take my time in making such a huge life decision, since I've always found rushing to conclusions to be riskier than formulating complete thoughts and making plans based on them. I've already indicated several times that I'm heeding the advice of the less reactive sounding posts, and I'm reading every word of the rest of the posts as well. With the exception of the rude sounding posts, I've appreciated everyone's perspectives, and I'm keeping everything I've read in mind. As with many things in life, I tend to believe that when there are polarized views on a situation, as I've seen between the majority of the responses here, and the advice I've been given in PT, that the truth is more likely to be in the middle than at one if the extremes. I will continue to read posts and will continue to weigh the opinions expressed here against my own experience and intuition. My feelings are under constant evaluation, and I honestly don't see the great sin in making a thoughtful decision over a reactive one. Thanks yet again for everyone's honesty and straightforwardness.

[NordicStripes]

I told my cheating bf to quit his job, if he even wanted me to consider reconciliation. He took out his phone, called work and quit on the spot.

 

And I find that totally normal.

[Holyoak]

Most of us betrayed husbands did the same thing and we really do understand what's going on in your mind right now. You may believe you are thinking clearly but you simply are not in your right mind at this time. It is not possible for you to emotionally process your wife's betrayal so soon after d-day.

 

Yep, exactly. I bet almost every betrayed husband can look back during those first few months post D-day, and think "what the hell was I thinking???" I know I can, especially with regard to the pick me, pick me aspect, and rationalization. Some of the things I wrote to my spouse make me sick with how timid and accommodating (wimpy) I was, when I should have HAMMERED her right off the bat. Really, how can we think we were at full capacity during those first few months; You know: Crying for hours a day, not eating, panic attacks, triggers that drop you to your knees, constant mind movies, despair without end, knowing she is at work with POS, and your guts are ripped out every second of it?

 

IMO, knowing what I know now; playing overly reasoned, ooh, I might offend her, run her off, make her mad if I seem angry or impulsive, is not true. What is true for me and I know many others, is while you show her you are a doormat, she will treat you like one, delay/obfuscate/lie to you, the therapist, anyone, and deepen/continue her cheating as long as she wants, especially if she knows there are no hard consequences. Right now she is like an emotional terminator, her whole being is focused on this affair, how to keep it, and how to get her "fix". You as the BS are an impediment to this, and it can get very VERY scary to see just how far (and how low) she will go to maintain this affair, even if she knows it's wrong... Right now she is a junkie, and shooting up for her is working with this POS, thinking about it, etc.

 

One last thing is you might Google:

 

"Just let them go"

 

to gain some perspective, and bask in its wisdom.

 

Good luck.

[Decorative]

Yep, exactly. I bet almost every betrayed husband can look back during those first few months post D-day, and think "what the hell was I thinking???" I know I can, especially with regard to the pick me, pick me aspect, and rationalization. Some of the things I wrote to my spouse make me sick with how timid and accommodating (wimpy) I was, when I should have HAMMERED her right off the bat. Really, how can we think we were at full capacity during those first few months; You know: Crying for hours a day, not eating, panic attacks, triggers that drop you to your knees, constant mind movies, despair without end, knowing she is at work with POS, and your guts are ripped out every second of it?

 

IMO, knowing what I know now; playing overly reasoned, ooh, I might offend her, run her off, make her mad if I seem angry or impulsive, is not true. What is true for me and I know many others, is while you show her you are a doormat, she will treat you like one, delay/obfuscate/lie to you, the therapist, anyone, and deepen/continue her cheating as long as she wants, especially if she knows there are no hard consequences. Right now she is like an emotional terminator, her whole being is focused on this affair, how to keep it, and how to get her "fix". You as the BS are an impediment to this, and it can get very VERY scary to see just how far (and how low) she will go to maintain this affair, even if she knows it's wrong... Right now she is a junkie, and shooting up for her is working with this POS, thinking about it, etc.

 

One last thing is you might Google:

 

"Just let them go"

 

to gain some perspective, and bask in its wisdom.

 

Good luck.

 

Pay attention to this. Every word of this.

[CodeMonkey]

I strongly don't believe the affair is continuing, and I'm sure I will catch flack for that belief. But I have phone records, access to her phone, and she's let me know about the couple attempts of contact OM made following the start of NC. She mourned him for weeks, and I expect still will from time to time. I hate it, but I understand it's part of her process. She's also committed, and shown remorse, self hatred, guilt, and everything else that I would expect. One of the posts suggested that the affair was going on longer than the 2 weeks, but she had been at home with me for the better part of a year, and travelled to OMs city for the first time for work.

 

To me, all the pieces add up. She was missing intimacy at home, someone gave her attention, she got swept up and made a huge selfish mistake, and when she came home, reality hit and she had to deal with the aftermath from having internal conflict about me and OM. She's trying to make me feel better now and has been doing things to show that she loves me, picks me, and can be trusted. The trust will take time, but I'm trying to be receptive to the love.

 

The main part I'm not comfortable with is the lack of that feeling like she would do anything to make things right. I know she's remorseful, but I fear she's afraid to fully invest in something that might not pan out. It's unfortunate, because it could be the very thing that makes us fail. I understand that it's because the job is not just a job to her, it's something that gives her purpose-a job that she's been waiting for for a long time. I also understand that she fears she'll hate me if I "make" her quit. She's told me that she wants to compromise and invite me on her business trips, not answer calls at work from his area code until she lets it go to voicemail first, etc. She just really doesn't want to give up this job. So I'm waiting to discuss the matter with a new CT, and try to get to an agreement I can live with. As for her remorse, or lack of, I intend to address that with the CT as well.

[Holyoak]

she got swept up and made a huge selfish mistake,

Putting Gasoline in a Kerosene heater is a huge, and potentially fatal mistake; what she did WAS NOT A MISTAKE!!! It was a willful choice, made without you, extremely selfish, and potentially fatal to your marriage. Maybe she was and is OK with what she has done, and will use blameshift, and your state of mind to either rugsweep, dupe you, and take it underground? Look, I'm not busting your balls, I am simply giving you some perspective from a guy who was kinda where you are today, and telling you to be extremely careful, and NOT trust a damn thing outa her yap until her action solidify the words.

 

The main part I'm not comfortable with is the lack of that feeling like she would do anything to make things right. I know she's remorseful, but I fear she's afraid to fully invest in something that might not pan out. It's unfortunate, because it could be the very thing that makes us fail.

So, your gut is screaming at you; are you going to listen?... You feel the way you do because she is NOT fully remorseful, despite your extreme desire for it. Her having stipulations (afraid to fully invest in something that might not pan out.) is the same crap I heard from my STBXWW, and what it does is put the blame on you. She should be DAMN AFRAID of what YOU might do to call it quits, and she should be the one BEGGING for even the chance to R. She dropped the atom bomb on your M, she is the one to show 1000% effort in R if that is the plan, and at anytime you can pull the plug, no strings attached.

 

Jesus, these cheaters destroy entire families, and we act like they are precious, delicate flowers, who need to be re-nurtured back, and *hope* we will take them back... F that noise. I know you don't like what I say, my tone, whatever; I'm trying to guide you through the woods you don't even know exist yet, and save you from more pain, MUCH MORE PAIN. Your WW is NOT special, have a special situation, or showing any of us anything but the good old, garden variety chapter and verse from the cheaters handbook. I'll be the very first one to apologize to you should I be wrong.

 

Again, I wish you peace, and wide open eyes.

[Decorative]

I strongly don't believe the affair is continuing, and I'm sure I will catch flack for that belief. But I have phone records, access to her phone, and she's let me know about the couple attempts of contact OM made following the start of NC. She mourned him for weeks, and I expect still will from time to time. I hate it, but I understand it's part of her process. She's also committed, and shown remorse, self hatred, guilt, and everything else that I would expect. One of the posts suggested that the affair was going on longer than the 2 weeks, but she had been at home with me for the better part of a year, and travelled to OMs city for the first time for work.

 

To me, all the pieces add up. She was missing intimacy at home, someone gave her attention, she got swept up and made a huge selfish mistake, and when she came home, reality hit and she had to deal with the aftermath from having internal conflict about me and OM. She's trying to make me feel better now and has been doing things to show that she loves me, picks me, and can be trusted. The trust will take time, but I'm trying to be receptive to the love.

 

The main part I'm not comfortable with is the lack of that feeling like she would do anything to make things right. I know she's remorseful, but I fear she's afraid to fully invest in something that might not pan out. It's unfortunate, because it could be the very thing that makes us fail. I understand that it's because the job is not just a job to her, it's something that gives her purpose-a job that she's been waiting for for a long time. I also understand that she fears she'll hate me if I "make" her quit. She's told me that she wants to compromise and invite me on her business trips, not answer calls at work from his area code until she lets it go to voicemail first, etc. She just really doesn't want to give up this job. So I'm waiting to discuss the matter with a new CT, and try to get to an agreement I can live with. As for her remorse, or lack of, I intend to address that with the CT as well.

 

I wish you good luck.

 

Reconciliation is tough. We are 3.5 years out from the last DDay- and quite happily reconciled.

 

In my opinion- you are not asking for enough or setting proper boundaries- for your needs, not her behavior at this point. You are trying to love her into acting properly. And you are accepting blame for her bad decisions. That's what people are objecting to- people who have been there , done that, and have the stupid tee shirt.

 

I totally respect your need to react to this situation with logic. my nickname is Spock Girl, amongst those who know and love me. But please, please believe me when I tell you- in this situation- you must act counter intuitively to what would appear logical. Affairs are not logical. They aren't .

 

But you are the only one who can decide what you can accept and handle. Everyone on here wants you to succeed and have a happy life.

 

Even if you don't act on the advice right now, at least try and think about it.

 

There's a reason we appear to be polarized. A very good one.

[2sunny]

Please stop calling what she did a "mistake".

 

It wasn't a mistake. I was calculated and full of intent.

 

She could have told you what she was missing and needed - but instead she CHOSE to go to her OM.

[Holyoak]

In my opinion- you are not asking for enough or setting proper boundaries- for your needs, not her behavior at this point. You are trying to love her into acting properly. And you are accepting blame for her bad decisions. That's what people are objecting to- people who have been there , done that, and have the stupid tee shirt.

 

I totally respect your need to react to this situation with logic. my nickname is Spock Girl, amongst those who know and love me. But please, please believe me when I tell you- in this situation- you must act counter intuitively to what would appear logical. Affairs are not logical. They aren't.

 

Very much agree! I too am extremely logical, not impulsive, and for a time figured if I did x+y, I would get Z... NOPE, and in fact I think it made me look weak and pathetic. Strongly agree with the you can't love them, sex them, anger them, nice them out of the affair... Again, all this does is show you like taking mud off their dirty shoes.

 

It is soooooo hard to go from an instant of 100% trust, to 100% despair and pain; think cognitive dissonance. We want so badly to get back where we were, get a never gonna happen "do over", and believe the WS is on the same sheet of music... They ain't. It is so hard to see a person so dear to us, become a monster, a monster who may have always been, having a form that filtered out rose colored wavelengths. I truly hope CodeMonkey that what you want to happen, happens to your full satisfaction, and that the both of you can go ahead with a long happy life together, if she really works her ass of in R 2000%.

 

If not, folks here will be your lifeline to what is most likely the worst, hardest, most painful situation you will ever encounter.

[lolablue17]

When you made the ultimatum "me or your job", OK you made a mistake, but its understandable with your condition.

 

But her reaction is whats bothering me. She could say many things, but mainly i would expect her to understand your rollercoaster feelings and to try to make you more relaxed and comfortable. But she said simply that she choosing the job and not you.

 

So, honestly, she does not regret at all. maybe she even hopes you will be brave enough to end it. she keep you as a compromise. sorry man... face the reality. it looks like she is doing you a favor, staying with you.

[CodeMonkey]

We went and visited her parents over the weekend, among other things. She opted to tell her parents what had happened without my prompting, which is huge, knowing her parents and her relationship with her parents. They were very supportive of me, in their own way...they thought she was stupid for telling me, and they thought I was stupid for telling my parents...both being huge points of contention for me. But they also showed an amount of love and support I would not have expected from them. They told her that I am family, that I'm a good man, and that she will not find a better man no matter how hard she looks. They told her to "fix it" no matter what it takes, with the exception of quitting her job.

 

I have mixed feelings about that, obviously, but it shows me where she's coming from, and what kind of mentality I'm up against. I raged at the thought of it all at first, knowing that they don't get it. Their perspective is based in the assumption that I can trust her, which I can't yet, but we're working on it. She has also shown that if we ignore the job aspect of the situation, she's very much working her tail off to show me she's remorseful, that she feels awful for the two weeks of lies and the night of physical betrayal, and that she's willing to do what it takes to make me feel comfortable and get things back on track. In fact, she's even taken the initiative to look for other jobs in her field, in case we get to the point where switching jobs seems more "reasonable".

 

It's clear from talking to her that her resistance is not about keeping potential contact with OM but rather keeping a job that treats her with respect that no other job ever has, and makes her feel productive and "complete" like no other jobs before it have. And given her family background and their perspective (growing up in poverty and placing huge emphasis on work), I don't see this changing.

 

So I can either walk away from someone who has put little doubt in my mind about wanting to work on rebuilding my trust and the relationship, or I can dig my feet in and pursue my ultimatum. It's a lose/lose situation in a lot of senses. So what I'm leaning towards doing, on a temporary trial basis, is extending what trust I have and seeing if I can deal with the situation. On the one hand, my instincts are screaming at me that I made a reasonable request that should be acknowledged and honored, but on the other hand, my instincts are screaming every bit as loud that she's truly remorseful and doesn't want to lose me OR the job. I suspect my stupid ultimatum has played a big hand in triggering her defensive reaction, and served to strengthen her resolve that she's going to keep the job. Afterall, it's only about me OR the job if we make it about that. And from her perspective, she knows that she's not going to make any more bad choices because she is dealing with the aftermath of the last series of choices and almost lost me. This is obviously where the risk lies, but if I can't deal with it, and I can't keep trusting, I can always walk away.

 

So, foolish or not, I'm going to follow the advice of the people in my life, save for this forum, i.e. PT, CT, and friends with similar experience, and give this a shot. My ego is bruised that I am not the "winner" in this situation, but I'm also partly responsible for making it a competition in her mind. And I hear all of you, all your comments, all your concerns, all your experience, and all your tough love before any of you say it. I recognize the inherent risk in taking this perspective and I accept it. I accept my responsibility to myself for putting myself on the line when I'm already vulnerable. But I've been logical about nearly everything, and it's only gotten me so far. I'm following my emotions and my instincts right now; i'm putting my vulnerability out there with my best of intentions, seeing that there are best of intentions finally being returned.

 

If you all are right, and there's a second dday, then everyone can get in line to say "told ya so", and then hopefully you all can prop me back up and get me through it. But I've been living this, not anyone else, and I see what I see. We have begun to address the affair as a series of terrible, selfish choices, not a mistake, and she's owning it. We've addressed the concerns about the OM attempting contacting her, and we have agreed upon the courses of action to be taken. She recognizes the gift of her second chance as well as her gift of my patience and understanding regarding her dream job. I know that other couples have been successful in reconciling even if the OM works at the same company, and we have the added good fortune of him being many states away. I have access to her phone when I want it, as well as phone records, email addresses, facebook, and she's installed Find My Friends on her phone, all to help rebuild trust. So as I was saying, if there's a second dday, then there's a second dday. I will not be giving a third chance, and I will make for the ugliest divorce I can throw my resources at.

 

Bottom line is, I'm trying this out, going with my instincts, and putting my forgiveness and trust out there because it's my nature. I hope you've all been concerned because you care, and not because of some residual bitterness from your past experiences. And I hope that if my instincts fail me and I find myself utterly destroyed once again, that you'll still be here to help me recover. But I've just about made my peace with the unfortunate details of my situation and I'm moving forward with cautious optimism and an open, yet battered heart. I pray that I'm the exception with the work scenario, and that things work out, and I understand everyone's concern and/or pessimism for the choices I am leaning towards making.

 

Regardless of the results, I thank you all for you input, your advice, your guidance, and your concerns, and I will continue to update on my status as things unfold. All I ask is that, regardless of your positions on the matter, that you respect my choices and show your support even if you think I'm foolish. I can't make choices for all of you any more than I can make choices just for her. I've examined the options as thoroughly as my broken brain can muster, and I've all but decided on the choice that I'm making for me. For the umpteenth time, thank you all for your insightful comments in this lovely community. Please wish me luck in my upcoming trials and tribulations!

[leonine]

All I've been saying all along is only you can determine what you can live with. If you can live with her still working there, then that's fine. As I've mentioned before, I still work with the xMM, and while it hasn't always been easy, it's become easier with time.

 

I just hope that you're REALLY okay with it. Otherwise you're just going to end up resenting her and damaging your reconciliation efforts. Don't give up too easy on things that are really necessary for you in your healing. Stand up for yourself when you need to. She's shown an inability to look out for your well being, so you have to look out for yourself.

 

Best of luck to both of you.