2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Stating you're committed for 6 months isn't best since she's not showing evidence of WILLINGLY doing anything and everything to show YOU are HER only priority.
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 It is what works for the husband and wife that matters, not what works for anybody else. Its not working for this husband and he shouldn't have to emotionally twist himself into a pretzel trying to make it work. I didn't say it was working for him. He needs to find somet way of getting through this that does and his wife needs to work with him on that. If he can't find a way or she is not willing to do her share of the work then reconciliation is not possible. But again - my point is that what will work for one couple will not work for others so NONE of us can say with 100% certainty what must be done in the reconciliation process.
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 What you are doing is LC. You've been successful at it for 4 years. Will you remain successful at it. I dunno, but I would not want to be your H waiting to see.....would you? . I don't appreciate you making comments about the state of my marriage when this thread is not about me. I answer to my H, not you.
Holyoak Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 It is nearly impossible for the affair partners to either get over it or keep their hands off each other if they continue to have contact. Agree, especially early on past D-day... More importantly; to me and probably you, it's about the extreme emotional abuse, and humiliation the BS endures when they are still in contact, even if the the two cheaters hate each other. Contact in any way means the A is still on IMO and experience. I know some folks can rationalize "it's for the $$$", "I love my career", or it even seems let it be, accept it and recover. This is why I state my opinion, not fact when I say having the two cheaters together while the BS is still in the picture is a no-go, and a cruel one at that. Lots of ways to look at the situation, lots of different situations out there, but IMO and experience, especially concerning a male BS and an unremorseful WW, if his/my/any guys cheater wife wants to keep her job means the affair is still on, you are at best plan B, and is an impossible situation if TRUE R is wanted... Get ready for TT and D-day #2. 1
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Not sure what youre bothered by as I only stated things you have posted. If you dont want to answer my question thats fine. The thread is not about me so I am not going to answer questions especially when they are phrased in such a way as to suggest that it is only a matter of time before I break NC.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Ask your wife how she thinks you feel knowing full well SHE opened her heart and her legs to allow another man enter her! Ask her!
Author CodeMonkey Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 It's a little funny and a little sad.. I was happy to see that after I worked for a while and came back to the forum, my thread had gotten several responses... because people are making things about ME. And validating ME. And even challenging ME with thoughtful advice. It makes me feel supported and cared for even if I don't LOVE every single post. I've certainly gotten a lot of good things to think about. I'm calling another CT today to set up an appointment and see if her approach suits both of us better. W has already agreed, so there will be no initial conflict there. I have already begun setting boundaries and indicating what they are without being a child about it. I told her what I need and said that she can play hardball all day and not acknowledge the depth of the pain it causes, but all it does is give me more information. I know that I would be fine without W eventually, but I want to make sure I've exhausted my optimism first, since I want to have no regrets about walking away, if it comes to that. I swing back and forth by the day, and I will continue to observe and evaluate the information she gives me with her decisions, actions, and lack of actions. Whether it's foolish or not, I do believe that she will keep any potential contact work-related and disclose it to me. However, I am less confident about what impact it would have on her - in fact it terrifies me. My focus is more on the fact that she knows how uncomfortable this makes me, and she's still unwilling to put the relationship first, as even the WS's all seem to agree she should. Which is to say, I expect fellow BS's to be sympathetic, but it seems extra validating to have the support of WS's, as well. As for talking outside of myself, I think it is worthy of attention. I have put a lot of focus on being objective and being empathetic/looking at both sides, and trying to salvage the M. In doing so, I probably haven't put enough focus on myself. Maybe that's where it comes from? I have still not reclaimed my identity, so I'm currently a work in progress. Perhaps once I've taken the old me and amputated the stuff that I no longer have use for, and weld on the shiny new pieces I know I want to employ instead, I will have a body for my voice. Until then, I think you're right; I'm a lost disembodied soul looking for my way.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Since SHE isn't making this her FIRST priority - you have nothing to work on! File for divorce, cut off any money she can access, and have her move out TODAY - then see how willing she gets to change herself, her perspective and her ways of making this her priority! She needs SEVERE consequences now to get motivated to change!
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Is the OM married? If so - contact his wife! Also - exposé to her boss - the truth of her actions should be revealed.
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I think you do well to find another CT. I know when my H and I had MC, we changed counsellors early on because the first one did not "fit" with us. A professional counsellor will also understand that they are not right for everybody. If you are going to get through this, it is a long and painful process with lots of heartache on the way. But it can be done if you both want it and work for it. My H showed tremedous strength (and love ) when he chose to stand by me. I cannot imagine not being his. If your wife is not responding to the opportunity you are giving her then you need to be strong for yourself. I knew my H had his limits - he made those clear - and there was no way I was going to let him down.
Author CodeMonkey Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 2sunny, your advice sounds a bit vindictive for my personality. Whether or not she can be the person I want her to be and give me what I need, I love her. If I need to walk away, I will do it with the same grace and honor I've tried to exhibit within the relationship. Afterall, it's not between me and OM's W or me and her boss. It's between me and her and no one else.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 2sunny, your advice sounds a bit vindictive for my personality. Whether or not she can be the person I want her to be and give me what I need, I love her. If I need to walk away, I will do it with the same grace and honor I've tried to exhibit within the relationship. Afterall, it's not between me and OM's W or me and her boss. It's between me and her and no one else. How is it right that you moved YOUR healthy boundary to accommodate her cheating?
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Not exposing her cheating is HELPING her save face! You're lying (by omission) and covering up for her bad behavior!
Author CodeMonkey Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I was advised not to by a friend whom I consider to be wise, particularly on the subject of A's, a former WW. I will have to think it over and revisit the idea, since I had wanted to a while back. One of the difficulties would be figuring out how to get into contact her. I could try to find and contact her via FB, I suppose. I have heard two pieces of information from my W which give me hesitation. 1) She already knows, so I don't necessarily want to add complexity to the situation to give her repeat information 2) She's pregnant, so I don't want to add undue stress to her situation and potentially hurt her child. A child who's already doomed to have a selfish child of a father. Granted, W heard these "facts" from OM, and I heard them from W, so the information is coming over some pretty sketchy wires. Thanks for suggesting that I reconsider this idea; I will mull it over.
anne1707 Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I don't "get" this idea of exposing to everybody myself (and neither does my H) - but the OM's wife needs to know. She needs to make decisions about her life rather than having them made for her.
Author CodeMonkey Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 How is it right that you moved YOUR healthy boundary to accommodate her cheating? I didn't say it was right. None of this is "right." I just prefer to take what I feel is the high road. If she can't make good decisions anymore, she can make bad decisions somewhere else, but I don't need to lower my standards for myself just because she did.
Holyoak Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I have put a lot of focus on being objective and being empathetic/looking at both sides, and trying to salvage the M.This sounds like you taking blame for HER affair. Any chance of the M surviving from issues between the two of you, is predicated on how the A is dealt with as a separate issue first. They ARE NOT a package deal, as some therapists try to push... Hell, I had a MC tell me in front of WW that her AP at work was nothing but a symptom of our "bad" marriage, when I demanded WW go NC... My exact words if I recall correctly was "your F'ing crazy". Sure enough WW was validated, justified in continuing contact, kept lying, and sure enough WW kept on keeping on with her A. Unless both of you are 150% on board with R, forget it, and right now she is not even close. Whether it's foolish or not, I do believe that she will keep any potential contact work-related and disclose it to me. Soft 2x4, but very foolish and bring on D-day #2, #3, #4... This close out without any proof she is on your team, and you are going to trust her with something this critical? Cheaters are great liars, and to me this means big time cover-up, going underground, with you the last to know... As the farmer told the new hen house supervisor, Mr. Fox: "Now Mr. Fox, you will tell me about any missing hens, right?"... My focus is more on the fact that she knows how uncomfortable this makes me, and she's still unwilling to put the relationship first,Proof right there you are not a priority to her cake eating, fence sitting ways. Give it a few months, and see if your uncomfortable becomes "pissed off", or "selfish bitch"... Man, are you in for a surprise when the anger stage hits!
Decorative Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 2sunny, your advice sounds a bit vindictive for my personality. Whether or not she can be the person I want her to be and give me what I need, I love her. If I need to walk away, I will do it with the same grace and honor I've tried to exhibit within the relationship. Afterall, it's not between me and OM's W or me and her boss. It's between me and her and no one else. It's graceful and full of honor to let the other spouse know she's been cheated on. It is truly a kindness. Any harm has been inflicted by her spouse, and your spouse, not you. Please tell her. Please. She deserves to know what's been done to her, and the potential health risk to her and her baby, if she is actually pregnant. 1
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I didn't say it was right. None of this is "right." I just prefer to take what I feel is the high road. If she can't make good decisions anymore, she can make bad decisions somewhere else, but I don't need to lower my standards for myself just because she did. You already did.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 You are allowing her to wipe her feet on you. Read up on co dependency. You need work on YOUR boundary.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 2sunny, your advice sounds a bit vindictive for my personality. Whether or not she can be the person I want her to be and give me what I need, I love her. If I need to walk away, I will do it with the same grace and honor I've tried to exhibit within the relationship. Afterall, it's not between me and OM's W or me and her boss. It's between me and her and no one else. Vindictive? That's crazy! Your wife invited another man to pump his dick in her vagina!!! Now THAT'S vindictive!
Holyoak Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I have heard two pieces of information from my W which give me hesitation. 1) She already knows, so I don't necessarily want to add complexity to the situation to give her repeat information 2) She's pregnant, so I don't want to add undue stress to her situation and potentially hurt her child. A child who's already doomed to have a selfish child of a father. O-M-G, I have read those EXACT same lines verbatim many times from other posts, straight from the cheaters handbook!!! Buddy, she is F'ing with you the the size of the universe; BANK ON IT! -1 Is an outright LIE, and I'd almost bet my life on it. -2 Is so worn out, and tries to hit your goodness, and sese of fair play... Both are CYA from a lying, selfish, unremorseful, I want to keep my A going bitch. Again, I'd almost bet my life on it, and she is using your shock and disorientation against you. The biggest mistake new BS do is not hammer the WS HARD right off the bat. Tell ya what, file for D, and see what happens??? You can always unfile, but it will show you are not taking crap from this liar. Seems counter intuitive, but it's what gets results one way or another. 1
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 IF/SINCE your cheating wife isn't making ALL the effort she possibly can to REPAIR the damage she CAUSED - you have no reason to think she is doing what it takes to fix what she's willingly destroyed!!!!!
2sunny Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 And his W is pregnant? She needs to know she's been exposed to potential diseases by her H cheating with your wife!
CantgetoveritNY Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I don't "get" this idea of exposing to everybody myself (and neither does my H) - but the OM's wife needs to know. She needs to make decisions about her life rather than having them made for her. How ironic. We have the OP here saying he knows a WW that told him not to tell the other BS. And wonder of wonders this cheating OW feels the same. Surprise OP, cheaters love to keep secrets. But if you bring it to light you will never regret it. Light kills affairs faster than Raid on a cockroach.
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