I'm really confuse about my feelings

[lexington90]

I'll try to describe my story the shortest way possible. She was my first love in high school. We were together for like 8 months and we broke up (we were both very immature and neither of both was actually ready for a serious relationship) after a few moths she dated someone but nothing happened. A couple of months later she started looking for me again. I wasnt sure because I felt really sad because of everything but still had feelings for her, eventually we got back together and stay like that for 3 years. It was really different this time, we loved each other so much and spend really good time together. We were more mature this time so it was pretty different from the first time.

 

I must confess at the end I wasnt really comfortable about the relationship, mostly because I was missing time with my friends, and since she was my only love in life I started doubting if we were together for love or because we got used to each other (since it was no longer romantic like in the beginning). Anyway, she started getting apart from me and deep inside me I let her do that maybe because I wasnt sure anymore about my feelings for her.

 

Couple of weeks later after she break up with me I was feeling calm. I was taking a break to understand my feelings for her. The whole problem begun when I was told she was already dating someone. Everything inside me felt apart and I was angry, sad, and I felt like she betrayed me (because of the small gap between our 3 year relationship and the new guy). I begged her to come back and try again but she denied. Couple of months later she was already in a relationship with this new guy and I was on a serious depression. I read books, articles, and forums. Those were my worst months of my life. After 5 months I started to get better (Though I must say that there is not one day where I dont think of her, but now in a not-depressed but obsessive way. I would like your opinion here.. Is it healthy to think every day of her, even though I believe I got over her already after 7 months of the breakup?)

 

Anyway, today she just called me after no contact (any social network, phone, texts etc) because she wanted to speak with me. I met her earlier to talk about it. Mostly she told me she has been constantly thinking about how thinks ended so badly, the quick new relationship thing, and that she couldnt stop feeling bad for how she hurt my feelings and didnt see it back then. I'm sure she misses me and doesnt know if she wants to break up with the new guy. I told her I think she needs to be alone for a while to think about herself and being independent before sharing time with someone. (since she tend to jump from relationship to relationship) I told her I wasnt seeing anyone because Im not ready yet for another relationship. I told her I forgive her and that everything is in the past now. The problem is that deep inside me I still missed her but I definitely dont want to get back together with her now, because of everything and because I think I need to get to know more people. Im just scared I will never find someone like her again; she is a really good person I could marry someday but maybe in the future.

 

I just want to know If you could give me any advise because I feel very confuse about my feelings, I feel really sad like back in the day one of the breakup. I dont want to get hurt again but I feel a lot of emotions at the same time.