spirius Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I was posting last couple of weeks about my breakup and how I had an upcoming camping event. It was...interesting. I saw her on the second day after being so upset for 24 hours cos it was the first place we ever holidayed together. I saw her at the food stand and just nodded. She called my kids over so had to engage. I was a mess. Asked her to come aside and was gonna say something then said "forget it, I don't want to cause drama or be shouted at." she said "no, go on". I said, "I miss you...this isn't the same without you." To which she replied, "I'm not doing this." and walked back to my kids, telling them she would look after them on Monday so I could participate in the event. She was with two guys I was worried about due to Facebook in the run up. I felt like ****e afterwards and later down the pub, it came out that she had slept with a guy who she had POINT BLANK lied to me about saying "No i never slept with him, everyone is taking the piss." It was way in the past and so inconsequential, but I got really angry about another stupid little lie and then went into the pub. She was in there laughing and having a good time and not giving a ****. I was boiling. Went over, ignored her and sat down beside the guy I was sure was after her and said. "Hi I'm...." he replied "Hi I'm...." I said "I know who you are. I want to ask you a really antisocial question? Okay?" He said yes. "Are you trying to sleep with her? Cos Ive seen you've liked every thing she says ever since we broke up." He kinda stuttered away and basically said no. We talked about something else. She got up to go and I told her she was a liar, she lied about lying about it and I asked her if there were any other lies that I was going to find out about from someone else. Made my exit. Spent an hour being restrained in a field by two friends who were telling me she is not worth the hassle etc. Next morning I awoke with a headache and felt like a tit. I apologised to the bloke and her. He said he totally understood. Next night saw her in the pub again but I was just torturing myself and left. Kinda had an outpouring via text to her after the event and saw her next day to give the last of her stuff back. She said she was very angry with my behaviour, that I had made him feel like he couldnt talk to her and spoiled her weekend. Our mutual friends say this is crap, he was on her like flies round **** all weekend and she clearly had a great time. She said she hasnt been talking to me cos Im upset and she doesnt want to talk about anything other than normal things. I do get that. But I also feel that when you treat someone like a puppy throughout the relationship, you cant expect them not to scratch at the door when you put them outside. I said I hoped she understood I had restrained alot of urges to try and get her back, saw the reality that nothing would work and that I was really just trying to work through it. She said we cant have contact until I get my **** together and I am not allowed to talk about stuff again...last chance. She said she would text at some point, that we would see things how things are in a few weeks about going to this gig we have tickets for. I get that she has been very clear with me and my heart has given up on it really now. She was so dismissive and cold. And it really wasnt all my fault. I found out so many things about her over the weekend, negative things. But now I feel incredibly embarrased, dreadful for embarrasing her and fearful that prospect of friendly relations might be damaged. Though she did seem to be saying "calm the **** down and we can keep talking" at last meeting. Moral of the story. No contact. Yes, you told me so.
Damsel in Distress Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Wow, sorry the weekend was such sh*t What a cautionary tale for the rest of us So sorry Spirius. But I think if there was ANY doubt in your mind, it's been put to rest, and you can surely now accept that this relationship is absolutely over. Don't beat yourself up for your own behavior - it was a tense situation and you did your best. Just tell yourself that it is clearly time to cut all ties and move forward to a life without her in it. Hang in there. I'm sure you are feeling rough right now
Author spirius Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 A little more acceptant. I have to accept I have issues with letting go, but really don't feel that making a couple of attempts to talk about the situation qualifies as being over the top. The weekend I did kinda go pop. I hadn't seen her for three weeks and had been up/down/all over the place. Seeing her in "our" environment seeming so happy really upset me. Speaking to her yesterday, I do believe nothing was going on with either guy and she said "I wasnt there to mope, I was there to have a good time." I feel in some ways she is being very direct. No breadcrumbs for me, except offering to look after kids...which might just be thoughtless thoughtfulness. Trying to be friendly. In context, this is a girl who betrayed my trust several times and after each one and me saying okay, we can continue...she said "right. never speak of it again." We cant get back together now. Aside from anything, every single person I know would lose respect for me. The weekend was awful, but the kids had a whale of a time and my friends really rallied round to offer support. I came away feeling renewed in my sense of self, though devastated about her. It was worth going. I staked my claim and in four days, an hour or so of drama and some moping was well worth knowing I had done the right thing in not running away. Some said to me that they thought she expected I would turn tail and leave the hobby and its good that she has to confront the reality of the situation too. That she can't have it all her own way. I will continue with the hobby, relish the support of friends and try to forgive myself my flaws in the relationship. She was not trustworthy, she may have made big efforts latterly but ultimately she had killed the love with her behaviour and I can't take all the responsibility. Have to look forward to new things, new people and hopefully being friendly at events down the line. (The next night in the pub, she said she understood and helped me take drinks out to my sons). Yet seemed raging mad a day or so later. Think thats just cos I had to go and send a text explaining that this little lie made me think, if she lied about that what else did she lie about? Case in point, I remembered a time when she told me that she had once been sleeping with this fella. A few weeks later she said she was inviting him over to play xbox. Given existing trust issues, I said "dont you have a history with him?" she said "no, no way i would never sleep with him ever." I said "you told me you did..." Her reply "Did I? Oh. Yeah I did." Me: "Why are you lying about it now?" Her: "It's just easier."
Damsel in Distress Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Case in point, I remembered a time when she told me that she had once been sleeping with this fella. A few weeks later she said she was inviting him over to play xbox. Given existing trust issues, I said "dont you have a history with him?" she said "no, no way i would never sleep with him ever." I said "you told me you did..." Her reply "Did I? Oh. Yeah I did." Me: "Why are you lying about it now?" Her: "It's just easier." OMG! Wow. Okay, well no wonder there are trust issues. And I am also appalled at "never speak of this again". Oh yes, you can betray somebody and just because they want to work through it, we'll pretend it never happened! Geez! I'm sure the weekend was complete emotional misery for you, but kids LOVE to camp, and I'm glad they got to have a good time. Is it necessary to stay within this same group or are there other options in your city? Although maybe you WANT to stay in the same group as her - not wanting to totally give up the connection to her??? Hopefully in time you will get to that point, but I don't think you are quite there. (And P.S. You know you shouldn't have sent that check calling her on the lie! I know it's hard to resist, but you can't keep engaging her!!!) Well you made it through the weekend. You knew it was going to be very difficult and it was... you're a little worse for the wear, but you survived. Now try to take a lesson from the weekend and work on accepting that the relationship is truly over. You know it is in your head, but I think your heart is still hanging on. (and I can't be critical because mine is too! lol) Hang in there!
mcdo Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 But I also feel that when you treat someone like a puppy throughout the relationship, you cant expect them not to scratch at the door when you put them outside. Love this analogy! But yes - no contact, no contact, no contact. It may not appear so right now but it WILL pay off in the long run.
geegirl Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I'm not going to say I told you so but I am going to say that this is most likely what you needed to hammer that last nail into the coffin. I hope you stay NC, start to focus on your healing and try not to beat yourself up for what happened. It's understandable that you went off. You can't change that but I am sure she knows that your emotions got the best of you.
Author spirius Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Going off felt so justifiable at the time, but is now very embarrasing. However, I should remember that what caused it was finding out yet another... ****. She just text. "Hey. How r u" I haven't spoken to her since Tuesday
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 You dare phukkin' reply and I will come rip you an new @sshole right here, right now. You just dare. Block. Delete. Deny. Do NOT respond!! 2
Author spirius Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 I hear ya. What would be the best approach to maintain a civil presence for continuing in the same hobby? Does NC risk causing a drama next time? I have no plans to see her again outside of this. This is what worries me now primarily and not angering so she doesn't spill a secret lol. In context, the hobby requires being at camping events for 2-4 days maybe 4-8 times year over the summer and actually socialising in the same group SOME of the time. The next one is not until the end of May and is 4 days long.
Author spirius Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Incidentally, had this discussion a few times over the weekend. It's a very incestuous hobby. people grow up in it. most people have exes dotted all over the field
Author spirius Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Just realised...that's the first time she has INITIATED ANY CONTACT in nearly four weeks. How can 4 little words send you reeling?
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I hear ya. What would be the best approach to maintain a civil presence for continuing in the same hobby? Does NC risk causing a drama next time? I have no plans to see her again outside of this. This is what worries me now primarily and not angering so she doesn't spill a secret lol. In context, the hobby requires being at camping events for 2-4 days maybe 4-8 times year over the summer and actually socialising in the same group SOME of the time. The next one is not until the end of May and is 4 days long. Maintain strict NC. As and when you should (be forced to) see her again, "stick to topic". Any discussion must focus solely and uniquely on this pastime alone, and no other subject matter. At all. AT. ALL. Incidentally, had this discussion a few times over the weekend. It's a very incestuous hobby. people grow up in it. most people have exes dotted all over the field Incestuous??? I'm not sure that's the right word..... I'm not even sure now what this hobby is exactly..... Just realised...that's the first time she has INITIATED ANY CONTACT in nearly four weeks. How can 4 little words send you reeling? Because the person who cares the least, controls the most. it's not a question of what happens. it's a question of whether you permit it to happen. 'She's fishing'. Laying down truce bait. I think she knows she's been utterly unreasonable, and is trying to 'buddy-buddy' you.... if you respond, then she can look at it as a sign that you can't be all that roughed-up about it, so it lets her off the hook....and keeps you on it. 1
Author spirius Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) Unfortunately I created this situation. On Tuesday we were discussing being friends and I told her I accepted we had no future together. But we were talking about being friends. She said I had to stop sending her long texts about our relationship and I had one more chance to just talk normally. She said she would text when ready. Bear in mind this was in context of being very angry about what I did at the weekend. I went round there with the last of her stuff determined to show her I didn't HAVE to act awkward...and managed it. I did say to her I didnt want to lose her as a friend. Was having a crazy day. It's actually an incredible relief (even with not replying) that I actually occured to her. I've honestly felt like she hasn't thought about me at all for nearly four weeks. I haven't replied. I feel like that is very hostile given that my goal is eventual indifference to being sociable near her. By incestuous I mean that that within the family that is the hobby participants, there is obviously alot of interdating. She has been doing it for many years . In my regiment she has two exes apart from me...one from a three month relationship and the other, 2 years. They all managed to get along (tho admittedly longer one, he kept a bit distant for a while). Edited April 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Chi townD Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Well, that went to hell in a handcart! Dude, you have to cut ties with her completely. Whatever this hobby is, I would strongly recommend finding another one. I don't mean that you have to completely drop the one that you have, but find another one that can occupy your time as well. Do not respond to her. Time to move on dude. She was absolutely horrible that weekend and you responded in a way that made it easy for her to forgive herself for treating you so badly. She probably thought to herself, "My God, I'm glad to be rid of him because he's acting like such a psycho!" And as you stated, she had a ball that weekend. No concerns for you or your feelings because you gave her that reason! If you handled yourself in a calm and cool demeanor, she might have been on pins and needles. Dude, it's over and she's not your friend. Friends don't lie and cheat to their other friends. I know it's over because I believe that she's going to miss your kids more than you. You need to make positive changes in your life. Be the best Dad in the world to your kids. That should be your main focus. So, save up your money and take your kids somewhere else next time. Hell, save up and take them to Disney World or something. And another thing, I wouldn't introduce your kids to any other women in the future until you are 100% absolutely sure that the relationship is going somewhere. (I'm sure you'll tell me that you thought this was going somewhere) I'm just saying, don't have them see multiple women in your life. I'm sure that this break up has affected them, and if I were you, I would want to minimize any further damage.
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) Indifference is the ideal goal, and sadly, the very best way to get there is to go complete NC. Honest. Edited April 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author spirius Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) she thought I was gonna go psycho on her. I was very restrained for weeks with regards not going round there and trying to win her back very proactively. But just couldn't control the anger when got there. Honestly, she would never have been on pins and needles as she has the ability to just shut off. She's been just going about life without a hint of trouble. Outwardly anyway. I believe she wants to be buddy-buddy and nothing more, probably for the same reason I would want to be. I know from past experience I can do this. When my wife and I broke up, we had reached a point where we KNEW we were just friends and actually laughed about how our eyes had opened since moving on. We dealt with that really, really well and having boyfriends/girlfriends around has never been a problem. I sleep over there on Xmas eve on the couch etc. Likewise, I am now friends with my first girlfriend. I didnt speak to her for six years though. At the moment though the hurt is very raw. I wasnt exactly dumped, although the entire relationship sometimes felt like a case of "keeping your enemies closer" and I didnt feel she loved me. The first instance of her getting with someone will destroy me and I FOOLISHLY asked her to tell me when she moved on so I didnt hear from someone else. Now I cant take that back without talking about "us" which is forbidden lol. I would be destroyed, I think, because it is what I was fearing throughout the relationship. Her being with someone else. Despite the denial flavour to the above, this is the first day where I have felt like contacting her serves no purpose (other than the civility thing). But in two minds. Do I even want to be her friend? Yes, we were friends more than lovers by the end and I miss the friendship. No, having to deal with another man coming along. I have the chronic problem of treating each relationship like it is "the one". I over attach. Brief forays into Buddhism taught me the danger of that, but heart did not pick up the lesson. Yeah, denial. She is only texting to try to maintain a semblance of the status quo, which I will read too much into. Unless I do accept the texts mean nothing and cut myself off emotionally? Wait, what's that...no contact? Yeah, I know. I know. God I missed this site when camping. I strongly doubt I would have done as much damage if my phone battery hadn't have died. Edited April 4, 2013 by spirius
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