really need some advice...

[stumpedsoul]

I'll try to be brief. I have encountered an unusual bump in my relationship. I've lived with my wife for 15 yrs. We were married 8 yrs ago before our daughter was born. We have her and a 4 yr old son. Over the past few yrs, my work has consumed me and I neglected my family time and they kind of got used to me being away at work. About a month ago, I woke up. I realize I have the perfect woman and family and we had a long talk and our relationship has improved greatly. We talked about us having issues and I'm working on it. It's hard work being a good husband, but I am willing to do it. It's been about a month, and she compliments me every day and tells me she is so happy.

 

Here comes the snag, my wife is not very computer literate and accidentally left her email on before she left. I'm not normally nosey, but I looked at some. Big mistake. I wish I never found out what I know now. It seems she is falling in love with a woman. She has never been gay, but does have many gay friends. She has always says she could never be with another woman. Her relationship with this woman is just beginning and their emails talk about how our relationship has lost the passion. That is a topic that came up in our own talks and and we both agree it's getting better. But I know she has an interest in this woman. She is always texting her and calling and although she guards her phone, she openly talks about this woman because she doesn't expect me to see a romance there. Beside talking about our problems, they openly discuss their feeling towards each other and their is no mistake, it is very personal and sexual. I now feel as if I'm in a competition. She has no clue I know about the other woman. She says she loves me very much and we are planning for a great future with the new me.

 

I love my wife more than life itself and would easily forgive her, but cannot stand the thought of her falling in love with a woman. If it were a man, it would be different I guess. They have been talking this way I'd say about a month. I'm not sure if the relationship has become physical.

 

The big question: I don't know if I should let this play out and hope she picks the new me and this just becomes a fling in her life that just fades away and we live happily ever after, or should I confront her about it and force the issue. Maybe I could somehow stop their relationship before it really starts. Although, this way I stand to end up in divorce which I do not want. If I get her to talk about it, will she just leave me and our family or will she try to fix "us". I feel she went to this other woman because something was missing from me. I now realize that and I'm correcting that but wonder if I did it too late. I want to talk to her but I'm afraid of the outcome. She really values our family and says she wants to be with me forever. I am totally consumed with this problem and have though about seeing a professional to discuss options but thought I would try this forum first.

 

I would appreciate any input before I confront her with my knowledge. Thanks in advance...

 

Stumped

[EnigmaXOXO]

If I get her to talk about it, will she just leave me and our family or will she try to fix "us"?

 

There's no way of predicting how she will react unless you find the courage to discuss the issue. I'm more curious as to why you are so afraid of talking to your wife? If you think she will become angry and leave you, than maybe your relationship is a sham to begin with…aside from the fact that you have already uncovered evidence to that fact. Burying your head in the sand and "pretending" all is well may not result in a better outcome. She may just leave you anyway. Refusing to confront an issue does not mean it ceases to exist. Nor will it make it go away.

 

Gender aside, if your wife's friendship with this other person is beginning to escalate into a more intimate (sexual) one, there's no time better than the present to derail that infidelity train. Never be afraid to confront the truth. If you approach her calmly with what you found and choose your words carefully, there should be no reason for her to become angry at you…unless of course, she's already looking for an excuse to bail. If that's the case, than you may be better off in the long run as difficult as that may be to accept.

 

And please…stop accepting the "blame" for your wife's actions. While it's good to accept responsibility for your own shortcomings, you are in no way responsible for someone else's. There were a dozen other ways (better ways) she could have handled the situation if she were feeling slighted or unappreciated in some way. Don't help your wife invent 'excuses'…Instead, work with her to find solutions.

 

I sure hope everything works out.

[meanon]

I love my wife more than life itself and would easily forgive her

 

Whatever you choose to do, make sure she knows this.

 

You need to be very clear what you are hoping to achieve by confronting her. You can't make her do anything.

 

The fact that it's a woman, not a man, is your issue. I'm not saying it's therefore unimportant but I would avoid complicating matters by getting involved in that particular quagmire.

 

How would you feel about concealing the knowledge from her? Could you live with it? Are you willing to risk it all by making her (in effect) choose, even though you understand how the situation has arisen? Could you live with it if she didn't choose you?

 

By thinking through what you hope to gain and what the risks of each option are, you will find your own "bottom line" - the minimum action you can live with that leaves the maximum scope for her to choose to be with you.

 

From what you've said in your post I suspect that you will choose to tell her what you know, how it makes you feel in terms of the risk to the marriage and that you understand.

 

From the point of view of building your relationship, a non-judgemental, loving approach is best. That's not to say you don't tell her what you can and can't live with, it's all about how you do that. Be confident, she has told you that you and the family are the most important thing to her. Believe it. Try and overcome the understandable fear you feel, it won't help and you can't afford it. Encourage her to find identify the needs that led her to develop this relationship and find ways of meeting them within the marriage.

 

Good luck

[sinner]

Only you can balance the costs and benefits of raising this OW issue with your wife.

 

The costs of not raising this issue: continuing anxiety over whether your silence will encourage your formerly estranged wife to continue her ride on the infidelity express; you may become more and more obsessive over the affair; you may develop increasing resentment over the affair while holding things in; the information will sit in your lap like an 800 pound gorilla and is just too big to ignore.

 

The costs of raising the issue: your wife will resent your steps to derail the burgeoning relationship; she will become defensive and blame you, and your absence, for her affair; this may drive the affair further underground; your wife, at her lover's urging, may decide that she should exit a bad marriage because the affair will make any meaningful continued relationship near impossible; she'll become apopleptic over the invasion of her privacy (by the way, I suspect you were looking for something incriminating).

 

You both need a qualified professional for marital counseling. I recommend , after a number of weeks of counseling, raising your concerns early in the session so that the counselor can mediate, guide and maintain perspective for the parties. That would be the best way of addressing an wedge issue that probably ought to be addressed.

 

Good luck.

 

I recommend a guided disclosure in the comfy confines of marriage counseling.

[stumpedsoul]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

Enigma,

 

Thank you. I think I was willing to keep my knowledge a secret in hopes she would eventually want to stay with me. We plan on moving from the Northeast to Florida in about 8 months. She is really excited about that. She talks about that constantly. I believe she is sincere that she wants to go and that would mean an end to her new “friendship”. So one line of thought was let her have her fling. That is a hard concept to swallow - not sure if I can.

 

Meanon,

 

Your advice was well taken too. I think I could live with my knowledge for some time. But it would always be eating at me. I love my wife with all my heart and I’m truly devoted to only her. But knowing she is keeping something from me. Even if she needed a little relief and didn’t want to hurt me, again - not sure if I can do that. I think what I want is for her to stop her relationship and see if we can overcome this and make our relationship work. This is definitely a tricky balancing act.

 

Sinner,

 

I plan on asking her if she would go to counseling. If she does, I wonder if it would be better to raise the topic before a meeting instead of at the meeting. I don’t want her to feel pressure as if me and the counselor are working together against her.

[meanon]

I think I could live with my knowledge for some time. But it would always be eating at me.

 

It will get in the way, an unacknowledged source of resentment. Your wife may sense you are holding something back. I think you are going to have to speak about it. Your marriage needs to change to become more fulfilling for her, I know you are aware of some of the issues but there may well be others that need to be addressed too. Sharing what's happened, dealing with it together, will help strengthen the bond. It's a hard task to ask of you, I know but it's what's needed. Counselling will help too. As to the when and how, be guided by your knowledge of your wife. If you are seriously concerned she may leave the marriage then tell her what you know and leave the rest (what she's going to do about it) to the counselling.

[Nosmas]

Well, she'll probably be pissed off that you've read her "diary." This alone could become the main issue: Is a diary full of fantasy or fact? Written daydreams or action plans? Have you never had an unfaithful thought?

 

Is the main difference between her and you is that she put it into writing? Is NOTHING private in marriage?

 

I think you should ignore this glimpse (or bump) you've had into her skull. If she wanted you to know she was bisexual, then she can tell you herself. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.