soccerrprp Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 You sound lovely. Can I comb you hair and feed you grapes please? Im a poor lady though but I have sultry hair. Thank you (blushing). Yes, very high sex drive.
ksinger Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Hi, I am not sure if I am missing something in your post mnbikinguy, but I would not be so quick to assume she does not like sex with you. There is a big difference between not liking or wanting sex and wanting to but are restraining yourself over religious beliefs regarding premarital sex. And I would not assume the sex would not be great once you are married. It might be even better because she won't have any reason to feel guilty about it based on her religious beliefs. Just because someone is Christian doesn't mean they can't love sex once they feel right about it. I think you should come right out and ask her. Again, sorry if I missed something, but I think this is about her wanting it to be "right" in her eyes. As far as her past, people can change their values anytime they want to... we don't have to be bound by our past, we are allowed to change our belief systems.
CarrieT Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 sex is about 5% of the relationship when both partners are satisfied. And about 95% when one or both are not. ^^^^ this ^^^^
Estate Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 So, this is a follow up post to another one I've had. Feel free to look that one up but it appears my girlfriend and I have worked through some of those issues and are back on track with out relationship. However....last night she dropped a bomb on me. She does not want to have any more sex until we are married. She is 44, I am 41. So a bit of the timeline - Dating since Sept 2011 Nov 2011 we had sex and have been having it ever since Nov 2012 we started talking about next steps (i.e. living together, potentially marriage) Decided that marriage is not really a priority for us We went to church one day and the sermon was....about not living together before being married. We then decided to go to pre-marriage counseling (Which I highly recommend by the way) We tweaked and decided we do want to get married and are willing to live together short term since we have found a house we like. Last Sunday - she states she will not live together (Easter sunday...guess what the sermon was about...yep - living together and pre-marital sex) Yesterday - boom! No more sex until we are married. Says she has been thinking about it a lot and knows in he heart that is what God wants and wants to ensure the wedding day/night is an exciting thing for her. She states that if we are already living together/having sex what is the point of marriage. I asked her one very important question - "Is this a barrier to moving the relationship forward and is this a way for you to give me an excuse to exit?" Under no circumstances did she say that is the case. So ultimately I can respect this. Accept it...I love her. I will accept it. I don't think she wants any sort of sexual interaction other than just cuddling, kissing and such. One of the things that bothers me is that as part of the counseling we revealed our sexual history. She's been with seven guys before me but none in the six years prior to meeting me. I have ZERO problem with the number. She's 44. But we've been having sex so long. Why the change now? I also need to know if this is what I can expect of the future.....can I just come out and ask her if my married life will include little to no sex? I fully understand a relationship is much deeper than sex, but to me physical touching is my love language. Ultimately I can take care of my needs myself but would like to have intercourse with my partner. My plan was still to pop the question while we are on vacation in Moab, Utah in about a month. I don't want to "rush" into a wedding. But i need to also ask how long of an engagement we are looking at here? Oh, and praise for her.....I have two girls and she is thinking more clearly in setting a good example for them. Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? It's hard to know her motives but I really don't like how this sounds. Withholding sex so that she can make you buy her a ring? I mean everyone has needs, are you sure she's not getting it elsewhere? She wants to just STOP having sex with you? And you are deep into a relationship? Very suspect. Also, if she uses this type of bribery now, what will she pull once married? Do you even know you will get laid? And at the end of the day... you are MARRYING someone just to get laid? Insane, sorry, that's all just insane, so many red flags.
ksinger Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Didn't you say her change of heart came mostly after the Mass/Sermons? Are you sure this is her just being manipulative? Does she show other manipulative tendencies. If yes, maybe your suspicions are right. If not, maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her about this more.
mortensorchid Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 FIrstly, let me point out that I am not a religious person by any means. Once I freed myself from a lot of the nonsense and guilt and foolishness of so called "Christian" people, I found I was living a much more wholesome and good life. But I digress on that point, as well as the fact that both of you got these ideas planted in your heads when you were attending church. I do not believe in living together before marriage. Why? Because things do not work when two people live together. Extensive studies have been done on this - people of all socio-economic backgrounds, geographic locations, cultural origins, educational levels, age groups, etc. Results? We are not quite sure why it is, but for some reason the sense of commitment does not stick between the two. I have never seen one example of this working. Perhaps the two will marry after years of living together, then a few months later - bang it's over. I did know one couple who lived together for 20 some years and never married, then one day it was over with. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your relationship is not going to happen. Best to move on now before it's too late.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I too would encourage you to pose your questions on a Christian relationship website. You will get far more relevant advice and tips for your situation. A few points: Religious conviction has nothing to do with one's sexual drive. Ditto for the decision to abstain from sex prior to marriage. The level of sexual activity prior to marriage is not necessarily indicative of the level of activity after you walk down the aisle. Most of the people on LS climbing the walls over their sexless marriages had plenty of sex prior to their wedding vows. There is a huge continuum from kissing to full-on penetrative sex. Rather than assuming you can only kiss now, you need to have a detailed discussion about what is and isn't on the menu for now. Personally, I would encourage you not to come across as completely obsessed with sex (although I empathize with your reaction). Express it as curiosity about where exactly her boundaries now lie, so that you can respect them. Explain that, with or without sex, you are primarily focused on maintaining closeness within your relationship. That you value your connection with her. I do think it is important to discuss openly that sex is important to you in a relationship...important again, in maintaining your sense of connection and closeness with your partner. Not all women get how important this is to most guys. Explain that while you are willing to respect her wishes to refrain for now, sex plays an important role in your satisfaction within the relationship and your expectation is that it will always be a regular part of the relationship after marriage. Like the Final Word, I think it's important to make sure that you do indeed share compatible values. That there won't be disconnects on key issues as they pertain to your roles within the marriage and family. Personally, I don't think she is being manipulative at all. There is no evidence of this. I suspect that she has struggled with this for some time, and facing your pastor/priest during counseling then sitting through recent sermons on this was the final straw for her. She is not the first, nor will she be the last to have a change of heart on this issue. Focus on the positives. Abstaining from sex, forces you to think more holistically and creatively about how to please your partner sexually. It is not just about the penetrative act of sex. In case you haven't read it, here is a book that you might both find worthwhile reading together: The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God – Timothy Keller Good luck! 5
ChessPieceFace Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 This woman seems impressionable to make such a drastic change based on a couple sermons. But perhaps it just refreshed some existing "principles" of hers. I guess it's possible denial & manipulation are afoot here but I think it's more likely these are genuine religious convictions that have (re)surfaced. My main argument against waiting for marriage is that you simply have to know you are sexually compatible prior to signing your life away on a piece of paper. That doesn't seem to be an issue here since you have done it already and you say the sex was fine. So, I don't see an inherent right or wrong about this, just that this is her belief now and you have to figure out if you can accept it. I will say this - it's definitely not at all fair to you. Maybe you should stop paying for any dinners or anything else until marriage? Yeah, right. Is she still willing to give oral? Anyway it's your decision to make.
Noproblem Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 You love her, she loves you You get along together You both are mature enough Her main reason is religion, you can understand that....Her views are different now I think we can say...congratulations since you two are going to marry soon
Author mnbikingguy Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Thanks all for the advice. I've posted on a Christian web site as well. All advice welcome. While I may end up being hurt, I am going to stick it out. Sex is not the most important part of a relationship. Her heart is good and I love her. 3
Els Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 If both of you are compatible belief-wise (ie on no sex before marriage due to religious reasons), I see no reason for you to need to bail. When you say 'no sex', though, are you referring specifically to intercourse or to any sexual activity in general? AFAIK most Christians who are waiting for marriage refer to it as the latter. In that case, I admit that I don't know how you are going to ascertain her sex drive prior to marriage. Hopefully other Christians have better advice for you in that aspect. If you are referring to no intercourse, you can absolutely know her sex drive prior to marriage. That is, of course, never a guarantee that it will not change, but anyone and everyone faces the same risk of that.
Author mnbikingguy Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Elswyth - I know her sex drive. We have been having sex. She has decided she does not want to have any more sex until marriage.
BetheButterfly Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 We went to church one day and the sermon was....about not living together before being married. We then decided to go to pre-marriage counseling (Which I highly recommend by the way) Hi! This is so exciting!!! You know why? This happened with my hubby and me!!! My husband and I will be married for 2 years this September, and even though we're Christian, we naturally let nature take over and had sex starting once we met each other in person (we met online and due to the distance, spent months talking hours everyday on the phone first). Anyways, when I got a job in his state and moved, I made a deal with him that I'd go to the gym with him (he's a gym freak) if he goes to church with me. He said it's a deal, and now I am becoming more a gym freak (though not 100% one yet) and he's a church freak now like me! (We were and are both Jesus freaks!) Anyways, we weren't living together, but we were making love whenever we could. I always felt guilty though, but got the courage to tell him no more, not until we get married, after the topic of no sex before marriage was addressed in our premarital course. He at first was blown away, but because of his love for me, he said ok. The next week after our premarital class, he was fine with it, after talking to some of the men who he really admires (one of whom has been married for more than 30 years to a wonderful lady). Anyways, I understand since it was a chapter in my hubby and my journey together! We tweaked and decided we do want to get married and are willing to live together short term since we have found a house we like. Last Sunday - she states she will not live together (Easter sunday...guess what the sermon was about...yep - living together and pre-marital sex) Yesterday - boom! No more sex until we are married. Says she has been thinking about it a lot and knows in he heart that is what God wants and wants to ensure the wedding day/night is an exciting thing for her. She states that if we are already living together/having sex what is the point of marriage. I understand! I asked her one very important question - "Is this a barrier to moving the relationship forward and is this a way for you to give me an excuse to exit?" Under no circumstances did she say that is the case. Nope! It just means she is taking God's guideline for sex seriously. So ultimately I can respect this. Accept it...I love her. I will accept it. You are AWESOME!!! My husband is AWESOME too and I am so glad he loves me and accepted/respected my decision too. (He later made it his own as well!) I don't think she wants any sort of sexual interaction other than just cuddling, kissing and such. One of the things that bothers me is that as part of the counseling we revealed our sexual history. She's been with seven guys before me but none in the six years prior to meeting me. I have ZERO problem with the number. She's 44. But we've been having sex so long. Why the change now? The change is most probably due to conviction, since the change occurred after going to church and hearing a message that convicted her. I also need to know if this is what I can expect of the future.....can I just come out and ask her if my married life will include little to no sex? Please ask her that!!! Make sure that she loves sex and that she is not going to "dry up" when y'all do get married! That's so important!!! I love sex. My husband does too. We do not plan on ever having "little to no sex" in our marriage (except for after I give birth... though I hope that's not for too long when we have to wait). I fully understand a relationship is much deeper than sex, but to me physical touching is my love language. Ultimately I can take care of my needs myself but would like to have intercourse with my partner. Physical touch is my love language too, as well as one of my husband's love languages. I think it shows strength of character, integrity, and personal discipline to control oneself in regards to waiting till marriage to have sex, even when one hasn't waited before! My plan was still to pop the question while we are on vacation in Moab, Utah in about a month. I don't want to "rush" into a wedding. But i need to also ask how long of an engagement we are looking at here? Ask her how long... My husband and I didn't have a long engagement at all lol. Oh, and praise for her.....I have two girls and she is thinking more clearly in setting a good example for them. That's awesome!!! Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? Be open with her. Tell her your concerns in a kind and positive way. Ask her questions, like the ones you asked here. Enjoy getting to know her in other ways. My husband and I had more time lol to talk and have meaningful interesting political conversations, as well as talk about art and music more, when we decided to wait until marriage to make love. So, this can be at time to enjoy getting to know each other in other ways. If you see any red flags, then feel free to address them, and if there's something that you do not wish to tolerate, then it's fine to end the relationship before y'all get married. Make sure y'all truly love each other. It's important to remember that love is action, not just a feeling. 4
BetheButterfly Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I already know she's not into sex that much, but it is quite special when we have it. The boldened part actually concerns me, whereas waiting till marriage for sex doesn't concern me at all. I LOVE sex. It took all my self-control to not have sex again with my hubby till we were married. It was funny in a way.. my then boyfriend now husband would tease me (he has a lot more self-control power than I do... being a gym freak can do that to people lol, since they "torture" their bodies into submission and pop muscles into their physiques!) and so he would tease me until I'd be crying out of frustration sometimes... then I'd insist we go somewhere public and talk about politics lol. I think you seriously need to ask her a ton of questions about sex and make sure she isn't going to clam up after marriage. That is the main concern I see here. Also, it is possible too that she might be wishy-washy and one moment decide to follow God's guidelines for sex and then the next moment, decide to hell with them. ? That happens... I was like that after my divorce (I got married as a virgin when I was 23, and after almost 5 years, I divorced due to bitterness at my ex) I was then really wishy-washy about this whole sex guideline thing until God convicted me. Now though, I am 100% dedicated to God's way for my life, including in the area of sex. Just like how sports have rules and boundaries, so I believe sex has rules and boundaries. Sex is awesome and wonderful and pleasurable, but I believe the rules are to protect people from harm. So, that is why it is very important for me for example to not cheat on my husband and to love him and enjoy sex with him within the guidelines of our marriage. Again, I love sex and I love making love with my husband everyday when possible! If you love sex and hope to make love with your loved one everyday if possible, then you really need to question if she is the woman for you, especially since she might not have the same desire as you. That is something that really needs to be addressed. Sad to say, many couples have regretted marrying someone whose sexual desires are not as strong as their own. So please, seriously consider that. There are women out there with strong sex drives who can also control their sex drives... if you have a strong sex drive, I would encourage you to let this lady go if she doesn't have a strong sex drive, and find a lady who does!!! 2
Author mnbikingguy Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 BeTheButterfly - that's a wonderful story. I'm so glad that there is someone here who has been thru something so similar. We did have a very long talk yesterday. Lots of crying. We realized she is really scared of marriage - mainly because she has never been in such a wonderful relationship (her words, not mine). She believes no sex will make our life together more special. As far as sex post wedding she definitely wants it. Her job is extremely demanding and she is very tired when she gets home (if she gets home at all sometimes - she is a surgeon and is on call sometimes). So my hopes for sex many times per week are not realistic. I know that. But I asked her to make sure I am not in a "sexless" marriage. 4
BetheButterfly Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 BeTheButterfly - that's a wonderful story. I'm so glad that there is someone here who has been thru something so similar. We did have a very long talk yesterday. Lots of crying. We realized she is really scared of marriage - mainly because she has never been in such a wonderful relationship (her words, not mine). She believes no sex will make our life together more special. Communication is so important!!! I am so glad y'all talked and got to pour your hearts out to each other. As far as sex post wedding she definitely wants it. Her job is extremely demanding and she is very tired when she gets home (if she gets home at all sometimes - she is a surgeon and is on call sometimes).Wow!!! She has my utmost respect!!! (I faint when I see lots of blood) That's so understandable then that she is exhausted after doing operations for work!!! So my hopes for sex many times per week are not realistic. I know that. But I asked her to make sure I am not in a "sexless" marriage.One thing I am learning is that marriage is about compromise. I think it's cool that you are willing to sacrifice the quantity of sex in order to meet her where she's at, due to her admirable occupation! I am learning that in my marriage, I sacrifice eating what I had loved to eat before getting married (lots of delicious sweets) and endure pain in the gym in order to meet my husband where he's at! He sacrifices so much for me too; he thinks of me before himself and is sacrificing his free time and ability to sleep in tomorrow in order for us to do something I really want for us to do! Yes though please make sure that your marriage won't be sexless. I think it'd be good to even go to a counselor together and see if there can be set into place a strategy to make sure that doesn't happen, you know? Here on Loveshack, it's scary how many people sadly experience a sexless marriage. It makes me want strive to take care of my husband's and my sex life and nurture it, so it won't dry up and die for whatever reason!
BetheButterfly Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I too would encourage you to pose your questions on a Christian relationship website. You will get far more relevant advice and tips for your situation. A few points: Religious conviction has nothing to do with one's sexual drive. Ditto for the decision to abstain from sex prior to marriage.The level of sexual activity prior to marriage is not necessarily indicative of the level of activity after you walk down the aisle. Most of the people on LS climbing the walls over their sexless marriages had plenty of sex prior to their wedding vows.There is a huge continuum from kissing to full-on penetrative sex. Rather than assuming you can only kiss now, you need to have a detailed discussion about what is and isn't on the menu for now. Personally, I would encourage you not to come across as completely obsessed with sex (although I empathize with your reaction). Express it as curiosity about where exactly her boundaries now lie, so that you can respect them. Explain that, with or without sex, you are primarily focused on maintaining closeness within your relationship. That you value your connection with her.I do think it is important to discuss openly that sex is important to you in a relationship...important again, in maintaining your sense of connection and closeness with your partner. Not all women get how important this is to most guys. Explain that while you are willing to respect her wishes to refrain for now, sex plays an important role in your satisfaction within the relationship and your expectation is that it will always be a regular part of the relationship after marriage.Like the Final Word, I think it's important to make sure that you do indeed share compatible values. That there won't be disconnects on key issues as they pertain to your roles within the marriage and family. Personally, I don't think she is being manipulative at all. There is no evidence of this. I suspect that she has struggled with this for some time, and facing your pastor/priest during counseling then sitting through recent sermons on this was the final straw for her. She is not the first, nor will she be the last to have a change of heart on this issue. Focus on the positives. Abstaining from sex, forces you to think more holistically and creatively about how to please your partner sexually. It is not just about the penetrative act of sex. In case you haven't read it, here is a book that you might both find worthwhile reading together: The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God – Timothy Keller Good luck! Awesome points and advice!!! I want to read that book.
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