mnbikingguy Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 So, this is a follow up post to another one I've had. Feel free to look that one up but it appears my girlfriend and I have worked through some of those issues and are back on track with out relationship. However....last night she dropped a bomb on me. She does not want to have any more sex until we are married. She is 44, I am 41. So a bit of the timeline - Dating since Sept 2011 Nov 2011 we had sex and have been having it ever since Nov 2012 we started talking about next steps (i.e. living together, potentially marriage) Decided that marriage is not really a priority for us We went to church one day and the sermon was....about not living together before being married. We then decided to go to pre-marriage counseling (Which I highly recommend by the way) We tweaked and decided we do want to get married and are willing to live together short term since we have found a house we like. Last Sunday - she states she will not live together (Easter sunday...guess what the sermon was about...yep - living together and pre-marital sex) Yesterday - boom! No more sex until we are married. Says she has been thinking about it a lot and knows in he heart that is what God wants and wants to ensure the wedding day/night is an exciting thing for her. She states that if we are already living together/having sex what is the point of marriage. I asked her one very important question - "Is this a barrier to moving the relationship forward and is this a way for you to give me an excuse to exit?" Under no circumstances did she say that is the case. So ultimately I can respect this. Accept it...I love her. I will accept it. I don't think she wants any sort of sexual interaction other than just cuddling, kissing and such. One of the things that bothers me is that as part of the counseling we revealed our sexual history. She's been with seven guys before me but none in the six years prior to meeting me. I have ZERO problem with the number. She's 44. But we've been having sex so long. Why the change now? I also need to know if this is what I can expect of the future.....can I just come out and ask her if my married life will include little to no sex? I fully understand a relationship is much deeper than sex, but to me physical touching is my love language. Ultimately I can take care of my needs myself but would like to have intercourse with my partner. My plan was still to pop the question while we are on vacation in Moab, Utah in about a month. I don't want to "rush" into a wedding. But i need to also ask how long of an engagement we are looking at here? Oh, and praise for her.....I have two girls and she is thinking more clearly in setting a good example for them. Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? 1
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 My plan was still to pop the question while we are on vacation in Moab, Utah in about a month. I don't want to "rush" into a wedding. But i need to also ask how long of an engagement we are looking at here? Oh, and praise for her.....I have two girls and she is thinking more clearly in setting a good example for them. Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? I think you sound very mature and level-headed. Good for you!! The line I bolded and everything is the only thing that has me concerned. You've been together for a year and a half. That's probably enough time to know if you want to be married to her or not. If you do, go for it with the vacation idea! If not, it's probably best to let her move on. Just because you get engaged in a month doesn't mean you have to marry right away. Conversely, you could have a simple ceremony very quickly if it's not that big of a deal to the two of you. Good luck, either way. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 If I were you I'd post this on a Christian dating site. There are lots of posters here who don't share your faith and will think that pulling the rug out from under you is manipulative. I am agnostic so I don't see the point in cutting off intimacy that has already been established in a relationship and I think sex is a very integral part of love. Then again I don't share your faith - so there ya go. Good luck with everything. 6
KungFuJoe Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I don't know your history or how religious you are, but I would run so fast, Usain Bolt would have trouble keeping up with me. Sex IS important...it's one of the most important aspects of a relationship. To be more specific...passion and sexual chemistry. Without it, you might as well just be friends. This is also a reason why I would never be with someone who was overly religious...especially a Christian. Anyways...just my opinion...but the no sex until you are married, especially if you've already had sex is just so immature and ridiculous...and those are actually kind words compared to how I REALLY feel about it. 4
Author mnbikingguy Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Thanks for the comments. For those of you who asked....she is Baptist. I am Catholic. I am divorced because my first wife cheated on me. The only woman I had sex with was my first wife. Even then we did not have sex for several months before the wedding. Since my divorce I had sex with two other women and then my current girlfriend. To someone's suggestion.....what is a good christian site like loveshack that I can post this on? Thanks.
kaylan Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 OP, Id be out of your situation so fast that Id tread water. Seriously.
CarrieT Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Carrie, she's 44, and he's 41. Yikes. Sounds like massively changing perspectives on life and philosophy. I would suggest to the OP to tread very, very carefully. 1
pteromom Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 That seems very odd to me. I would be concerned that: - she's using it as a way to push for marriage or - she's not into sex much and this is a way to get out of it I just think it is really weird to say no more sex until marriage once you've already had many partners and have been living with someone.
Author mnbikingguy Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Treasa - I wrote that statement incorrectly. I still plan to pop the question in a month. It is written as if I may have changed my mind which I have not.
Author mnbikingguy Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Pteromom - We are not living together now and she has never lived with anyone. I already know she's not into sex that much, but it is quite special when we have it.
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Oh, I see. Has she always been sort of wishy washy about other religious things? At the very least, like I said, you sound very level headed, so I'm sure you'll be out. And that's awesome that you want a good role model for your daughters, not that I think sex before marriage is wrong. I freaking love sex. But...yeah. Hopefully I'm making sense, because I feel rattled today.
Author mnbikingguy Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Treasa - She's always stated she's been religious and on a few occasions she has stated that she's not sure about how to see pre-marital sex but we have still gone thru with it.
pteromom Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Pteromom - We are not living together now and she has never lived with anyone. I already know she's not into sex that much, but it is quite special when we have it. Sorry I misunderstood. I thought you had lived together. If she is not much into sex, that is not likely to get better once you are married. I think you are safe expecting that you won't be having much sex once you marry her.
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Yeah, she could possibly be entering perimenopause, and her hormones are shifting and she may not be as interested in sex anymore. I guess you have to do what's best for you, as simplistic as that sounds.
xxoo Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 ....can I just come out and ask her if my married life will include little to no sex? Yes, you can and should have this conversation. Especially if you already know she is not very into sex. It would be different if giving up sex were a great challenge for her....if she were climbing the walls. In that case, just elope! 2
debber01 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Yeah, she could possibly be entering perimenopause, and her hormones are shifting and she may not be as interested in sex anymore. I guess you have to do what's best for you, as simplistic as that sounds. MMMM...Not *always* true Treasa. I'm definitely perimenopause at 49 and I don't think I've *ever* been hornier! It's different for everyone I guess. 1
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 MMMM...Not *always* true Treasa. I'm definitely perimenopause at 49 and I don't think I've *ever* been hornier! It's different for everyone I guess. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to assume. I thought I had read somewhere that a lot of women have a decrease in sex drive. I hope I'm like you!! I'm still in my peak and I'd love to stay there.
GorillaTheater Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Yes, you can and should have this conversation. Especially if you already know she is not very into sex. It would be different if giving up sex were a great challenge for her....if she were climbing the walls. In that case, just elope! Yes, absolutely have this conversation. You desperately need to make sure you're on the same page as far as frequency and, for lack of a better word, "quality". Sex is about 5% of the relationship when both partners are satisfied. And about 95% when one or both are not. 1
RedRobin Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Thanks for the comments. For those of you who asked....she is Baptist. I am Catholic. I am divorced because my first wife cheated on me. The only woman I had sex with was my first wife. Even then we did not have sex for several months before the wedding. Since my divorce I had sex with two other women and then my current girlfriend. To someone's suggestion.....what is a good christian site like loveshack that I can post this on? Thanks. Marriage builders has more people who are Christians or are religious. Interestingly, I think it has some of the best relationship advice for anyone... because the advice is NOT religion based at all. However, since the focus is on how to build a healthy relationship (pre marriage) and for those looking to REbuild a marriage after infidelity and other betrayals... you will likely find more support for these kinds of questions there. Here... sex is something a lot of the above posters seem to check off their box before they even know a person's middle name... and couldn't imagine waiting more than a few dates... so keep that in mind with some of the advice here... 1
TheFinalWord Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) So, this is a follow up post to another one I've had. Feel free to look that one up but it appears my girlfriend and I have worked through some of those issues and are back on track with out relationship. However....last night she dropped a bomb on me. She does not want to have any more sex until we are married. She is 44, I am 41. So a bit of the timeline - Dating since Sept 2011 Nov 2011 we had sex and have been having it ever since Nov 2012 we started talking about next steps (i.e. living together, potentially marriage) Decided that marriage is not really a priority for us We went to church one day and the sermon was....about not living together before being married. We then decided to go to pre-marriage counseling (Which I highly recommend by the way) We tweaked and decided we do want to get married and are willing to live together short term since we have found a house we like. Last Sunday - she states she will not live together (Easter sunday...guess what the sermon was about...yep - living together and pre-marital sex) Yesterday - boom! No more sex until we are married. Says she has been thinking about it a lot and knows in he heart that is what God wants and wants to ensure the wedding day/night is an exciting thing for her. She states that if we are already living together/having sex what is the point of marriage. I asked her one very important question - "Is this a barrier to moving the relationship forward and is this a way for you to give me an excuse to exit?" Under no circumstances did she say that is the case. So ultimately I can respect this. Accept it...I love her. I will accept it. I don't think she wants any sort of sexual interaction other than just cuddling, kissing and such. One of the things that bothers me is that as part of the counseling we revealed our sexual history. She's been with seven guys before me but none in the six years prior to meeting me. I have ZERO problem with the number. She's 44. But we've been having sex so long. Why the change now? I also need to know if this is what I can expect of the future.....can I just come out and ask her if my married life will include little to no sex? I fully understand a relationship is much deeper than sex, but to me physical touching is my love language. Ultimately I can take care of my needs myself but would like to have intercourse with my partner. My plan was still to pop the question while we are on vacation in Moab, Utah in about a month. I don't want to "rush" into a wedding. But i need to also ask how long of an engagement we are looking at here? Oh, and praise for her.....I have two girls and she is thinking more clearly in setting a good example for them. Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? I'm a Christian. Not too many here, so maybe I can give a different perspective. If this is only something, SHE wants, and you do not, it can reveal more potential problems in the future. Sexual terms is something both must agree too and desire, intrinsically. With my ex, we both agreed on no sex from the beginning. And it was tough. If both are not united on that agreement, I don't know how it will work in the long run. And if you do not agree with it, it will seem like a manipulation tactic on her part. When really, she is feeling conviction and a good conviction, IMHO. There are many benefits of refrainment, but I won't divulge unless you want to hear it. Yes, people can feel conviction about sex in the middle of a relationship, even when the relationship started out with full on sex. My parents for example. They were living together, the whole nine yards. My dad got saved. Mom thought he turned Jesus freak. He asked her to take a road trip, 3 hours into it, they are burning her drugs and she also gets saved. They moved apart for a year, with no sex. The key? Both agreed on it as a pre-clude to their covenant marriage. They've been married 35 years I think it is great that you are both going to counseling. This is a tough thing and I don't know about your relationship with God, but you should pray and ask God what you should do. Edited April 3, 2013 by TheFinalWord 1
soccerrprp Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 The biggest thing that I'm curious about is the holding off of sex when you've been having it thus far. Hmmmmmm....say that, I did not have intercourse with my late-wife until our wedding night. I mean, we did have sex w/o the coitus and this was throughout our dating and engagement period. I was willing to wait. Of course, now, there's really little to no chance that I would wait and I have only met one woman who was not interested in a physical relationship while dating. 1
pbjbear Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Do you have a sex drive? I know couples where both the wife and husband arent too keen into sex. I am not religious but dont have issues with people that are. I will say that whenever a girl has sex and stops doing so it is seen as conniving and manipulative. I dont think the sex will stop after marriage but there are alot of guys who have been in sexless relationships on this site so I get why they say that. I do think she might be doing this to get you to marry her. Please make sure you talk about sex in your premarital counseling. It is important
pbjbear Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 The biggest thing that I'm curious about is the holding off of sex when you've been having it thus far. Hmmmmmm....say that, I did not have intercourse with my late-wife until our wedding night. I mean, we did have sex w/o the coitus and this was throughout our dating and engagement period. I was willing to wait. Of course, now, there's really little to no chance that I would wait and I have only met one woman who was not interested in a physical relationship while dating. You sound lovely. Can I comb you hair and feed you grapes please? Im a poor lady though but I have sultry hair.
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