aanderson088 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) You're going to be okay. I'm struggling with NC too. I was in A.A. for a while. Some of those principles are very easily applicable to the situation of a break-up. Some similarities: You are involved with something pretty much non-stop for months, years, whatever. You count on this thing to be there every day. Too much of it hurts you. It can take away a lot of the things that make up YOU. That might not seem too bad at first, but once it's gone, it's gone and those pieces you gave to it are gone too. Withdrawing from the abuse hurts you regardless of how unhealthy the addiction was. Breaking NC is like a relapse, leaving us worse off than we were before. What I am taking from A.A. and applying to my situation is this: ONE DAY AT A TIME The days we spend in pain are long and our hearts and minds are often concentrated on what/who we lost/can't have. But those dark days are still only just a day. 24 hours. Each moment we take pretending we're strong, or faking a smile is one more moment closer to when we'll feel better. The love we lost may not be lost forever. But don't wait for them to come back. If the love is pure, then time won't break it. But you have to let God and time decide. Breaking addiction is all about staying away. So practice not feeling jealous. Don't look at their facebook or search for there car while you're driving. Admit and acknowledge the negative feelings and tell yourself it's okay. Be patient with yourself. Like I said before, the days seem to last forever, but tomorrow will come if you let it. Keep reminding yourself of tomorrow... Tomorrow will be here. Hold out on your urges until tomorrow. Every single day you tell yourself tomorrow and eventually a tomorrow will arrive and there will be no urges. Remember to tell yourself you're ****ing rad, awesome, beautiful, smart, talented (indulge in talents and passions) and that you're going to make someone really ****ing happy some day. Edited April 3, 2013 by aanderson088 3
AwptiK Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 This is awesome advice. It was something I needed to hear today. I want to add some additional thought that TaraMaiden wrote to me recently. I'm sure it would be beneficial for other's too. Remember that a break-up is exactly - but EXACTLY - like a bereavement... and as I am given to understand, in bereavement, the pain actually peaks a while after the actual 'separation', not immediately after. My mother can bear testimony to that. My father died in 2010, but she misses him now, more deeply than she ever did before. Sometimes, there is no eventual, total, complete "Getting over it." Sometimes, the loss stays with us for good. Sometimes, all we do is become gradually more numb. Sometimes, dealing with the pain, merely means accepting it. Rather like an amputation. and The thing is, AwptiK, you're no less of a person for feeling this way. bereavement doesn't actually diminish who you are. It subdues you and can change your mind-set if you let it - but within, is still the person you were, are and always will be. We all undergo modifications as we grow, develop and age. The trick is to recognise those which deplete us and those which nourish us. And cultivate the ones which prove more beneficial.... You may be going through an emotional upheaval right now - but you're still 'there'... and you will come though this. Allow yourself the time to mourn and grieve - but don't let it become wallowing. Grieving is completely understandable. Wallowing is merely another word for self-sabotage. Recognise the difference. I think you're astute enough to do that. cheers 2
Author aanderson088 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 I like that a lot. It's good to let people know that the pain is okay. It does not make us weak. It does not make us less. It is simply a feeling. The same way that anger fades, sadness and loss do as well. I am not jealous of the man my ex is seeing now (she started seeing him like the day after we broke up). If she is happy, then I am happy. I only wish that she was independent enough to not need someone else and to really think about what she might have learned from me, or to think about what I was trying to show her about me. Her moving on so quickly only shows me more certainty that the decision I made was the right one. Though mildly painful and incredibly devastating to the ego, it was very affirming. Plus, I know that Mr. New won't match up to me Petty, but helpful. The things that your ex loses by losing you, will be appreciated by someone else. You are not lessened by losing them, you are simply just back to being ONLY you. You decide when to do something for YOU. You decide what YOU like. Who you want to hang out with. It is freeing, and that freedom is not built of bitterness or anger. It is just something that we fear, because we are now allowed to do and think and breathe and feel the way WE want to. We no longer have someone telling us we're wrong or to make us question how we make coffee, or cook meat, or make a sandwich, or which church we go to, etc. (I had the pleasure of having those methods questioned). Our lives are once again our own, and the sooner we get back on the track of making ourselves happy, the sooner someone will come along that thinks that's just about the sexiest damn thing ever and they will love the life you created for yourself and will want to take part in it. "I'll have whatever he/she is having!" kind of thing. Happiness begets happiness. Sadness begets sadness. Hate spawns more hate and love will ALWAYS create more love. Love yourself and everything else will fall right in to place. 3
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