Such a fool.

[lissa90]

I wrote a post a few days ago about how its possible to maintain a "friendship" with an ex.

 

What complete bull**** - but I honestly believed I could and would be able to do it.

 

After "sorting" things out and deciding to be friends, he didn't text me back for 7 hours and I completely lost it. Hysterical, eventually he messaged me and I was an ice queen, few more messages I completely laid into him.

 

And now..oh gosh, its so icy. He has messaged me a few times since, but the spark is gone. I can feel it.

 

I am thoroughly annoyed that I convinced myself I could maintain such a relationship.

 

Kicking myself.

 

Its like a fresh new batch of heartbreak.

 

Cautionary tale - you CAN NOT be friends with your ex. No matter how hard you convince yourself, no matter how hard you believe it to be true. Its just not feasible. Don't do it. This sucks and hurts just as much as he first told me we were over. :[

[Kenji]

It will be possible to be friends once you are over him. The thing is, by that time, you might not care whether or not you two remain friends.

[geegirl]

I'm sorry you're feeling the heartbreak again.

 

At least you have come to that realization. Most dumpees suffer the hurt and fake friend because they're too afraid to eliminate the ex from their lives.

 

You accept that you cannot do it, and yes, it's not possible, so now you can move forward and grieve the loss.

 

In time when you are emotionally free from him, you can revisit the possibility of rekindling a friendship. Definitely not now.

[lissa90]

Thankyou for the replies, I appreciate it very much!

 

I think friendship may not happen for a very long time now, if ever. I can't wait for the day I no longer care

[geegirl]

Count this as a blessing as "friends" would have prolonged your pain. Now you can focus on you and begin to heal. You will get to that day whereby you don't care, and then you can decide if a friendship is worth anything to you.

 

Stay strong.

[Kenji]

Thankyou for the replies, I appreciate it very much!

 

I think friendship may not happen for a very long time now, if ever. I can't wait for the day I no longer care

 

Yes, it will take quite a while. However, if you believe in your strengths, I know that you will make it through. It is almost unfair that someone who was such an important part in our lives suddenly vanishes. But it happens. People change, and people move on.

 

You will also move on. Again, friendship is possible, but I think it happens to very few people. As long as one person isn't more emotionally invested than the other, it can be done.

[Kenji]

If you can be mature about it, why not? I'm not saying that it's desirable in many cases, but it isn't taboo, either. If you were capable of being friends before becoming romantically involved, then there might be a chance that you still want to be friends with them. It isn't wrong to feel that way (however, I realize that in most cases, people strive for friendship because they believe that it's "the next best thing").

 

Yes, it could potentially be a problem for future partners, but that's when you make a choice. Frankly, it's very important for me to have a partner who can be around my best friends, whether they are boys or girls or exes (not that I have any exes that I have remained friends with).

 

You are making the assumption that being friends with an ex means that you still harbor romantic feelings for them. It's a valid belief (and certainly a concern if you are dating someone who is good friends with an ex), but I believe a platonic friendship with an ex is possible.

[Kenji]

No, not particularly.

[Kenji]

You make great points, but the friendship doesn't have to last a lifetime. Once you really settle down with a husband or wife, it's natural to hang out with friends a little less, ex or not. But I disagree with your sentiment about not pursuing a friendship (with anyone, really) just because it will not last forever.

 

Also, you aren't considering friendships that existed before romantic feelings developed. I don't become friends with a girl just because I want to date her. I understand these types of friendships may not occur often, but they do exist.

 

Finally, people are screwed over all the time because someone came into the picture, not just because an ex is involved. There are also countless stories of people who break up with others for a "friend." I suppose I'm trying to say that any friend can get in the way, whether they were an ex or not.

 

I do think that perhaps I am a bit naive. Relationships hardly work out the way I am describing, I do believe that.

[sweetheart5381]

If you can be mature about it, why not? I'm not saying that it's desirable in many cases, but it isn't taboo, either. If you were capable of being friends before becoming romantically involved, then there might be a chance that you still want to be friends with them. It isn't wrong to feel that way (however, I realize that in most cases, people strive for friendship because they believe that it's "the next best thing").

 

Yes, it could potentially be a problem for future partners, but that's when you make a choice. Frankly, it's very important for me to have a partner who can be around my best friends, whether they are boys or girls or exes (not that I have any exes that I have remained friends with).

 

You are making the assumption that being friends with an ex means that you still harbor romantic feelings for them. It's a valid belief (and certainly a concern if you are dating someone who is good friends with an ex), but I believe a platonic friendship with an ex is possible.

 

I agree. I have had a strong friendship with my sons' father for the last 2 yrs (we split 8 yrs ago now). It takes time and there needs to be something serious on the line for me, like family, to try to maintain a relationship of any sort with an ex. It does happen but it takes work.

 

We can talk about anything, our sex lives, work lives, relationships etc. and there is never a moment in my mind that I wonder, "What if we had stayed together?" We don't have romantic thoughts about one another and that is what makes the friendship so viable.

 

Bear in mind, it took 6 yrs for us to reach this point. Time well spent for my kids though

[siankat]

i have to agree with you, theres always something that makes it a bad idea

[Sugarkane]

Why be friends with an ex? So you can be the third wheel with the person they cheated on you with? So many people on here were lied and cheated on by their ex. Should they be friends? I've yet tofind it doable. Im guessing maybe your friends with exes because you haven't dated them long and they didn't screw you over? How did you get over the resentment, if ever? I've never found it worth it. Especially the BS dumpers pull. I've only been contacted for them to either shove their new relationship in my heartbroken face. Or the dumper to gloat that their life is going better without me. What a nice dumper!! Not

[Sugarkane]

I agree. I have had a strong friendship with my sons' father for the last 2 yrs (we split 8 yrs ago now). It takes time and there needs to be something serious on the line for me, like family, to try to maintain a relationship of any sort with an ex. It does happen but it takes work.

 

We can talk about anything, our sex lives, work lives, relationships etc. and there is never a moment in my mind that I wonder, "What if we had stayed together?" We don't have romantic thoughts about one another and that is what makes the friendship so viable.

 

Bear in mind, it took 6 yrs for us to reach this point. Time well spent for my kids though

 

That's only because you have a child together.

[TaraMaiden]

I wrote a post a few days ago about how its possible to maintain a "friendship" with an ex.

 

What complete bull**** - but I honestly believed I could and would be able to do it.

 

......

 

 

Cautionary tale - you CAN NOT be friends with your ex. No matter how hard you convince yourself, no matter how hard you believe it to be true. Its just not feasible. Don't do it. This sucks and hurts just as much as he first told me we were over. :[

 

I have to admit - I was one of the contributors to your thread who actually believed you'd got a handle on it - but when I originally saw the title of your mentioned thread, and the content of your first post, my primary instinct was to say -

 

"Huh, you haveta be kidding me, right? You cannot be friends with an ex - especially so soon after a break-up!"

 

But then I thought -

 

"No, hang on TM - a lot of people jump on your case, saying you're too black 'n' white, too constant in your advice, always saying the same thing - 'Go NC, you can't be friends'.... she seems sure - give her the benefit of the doubt, why doncha? Try it, just this once!"

 

So, I did.

 

And I was wrong, I was right!!

 

 

Sorry you had to come to this.

believe it or not, I was rootin' for ya.....

[Kenji]

I don't buy that her friendship with her son's father is due solely to the child. Sure, the boy is a contributing factor to initiate some sort of contact, but this contact doesn't have to be a close friendship as she described.

 

It's nice that she decided to maintain a relationship for her son's sake, but her son isn't forcing her to talk about her sex life or work life with her ex. She's choosing to go that far in the relationship, and as she said, it's completely platonic.

 

Why be friends with an ex? So you can be the third wheel with the person they cheated on you with? So many people on here were lied and cheated on by their ex. Should they be friends? I've yet tofind it doable. Im guessing maybe your friends with exes because you haven't dated them long and they didn't screw you over? How did you get over the resentment, if ever? I've never found it worth it. Especially the BS dumpers pull. I've only been contacted for them to either shove their new relationship in my heartbroken face. Or the dumper to gloat that their life is going better without me. What a nice dumper!! Not

 

If I may, I have to say that not all exes are cheaters. I was with my ex for nearly two years. She broke up with me for a "friend." Am I friends with her? Do I keep in touch? Nope. Would I like to? Sure, but I'm not at the stage yet where I can make that decision. I always felt like she cheated on me emotionally, but that's an unfair accusation. She just started having feelings for him. She can't help it. It literally could have happened to anybody. Even me. It doesn't mean the situation is any less terrible, though. Just forgivable.

 

And look, you're talking about your partner leaving you for someone else. Another person in this thread is talking about a partner going back to an ex. The fact is, in every instance, someone gets hurt. I mean, so many people are sad because their partner left them for another man/woman. They would be so happy if the partner realized that they made a mistake and got back together with them. Now how do you think that other man/woman feels? Now, if your partner physically cheated, that's a different story.

[destroyed4sho]

When there is a child involved, that is a whole different animal.

 

I'm talking about your average 28 year old person who is dating a 24 year old person who has 6 friends that are Exes.

 

Most guys or girls are going to have an issue with that. Not to mention, based on what I have seen in the real world and read about 1,000+ times on here... At some point, one of these "friends" is going to be a problem. The problem usually involves the person sleeping with said "friend".

 

Like it or not, people are uneasy with Exes hanging around and everyone knows why... it's no mystery.

 

Again, totally different when a child is involved. If I were to date a women with a child, if the dad was not around or a friend... That would be a major turn off / red flag for me.

 

I think this post pretty much summed up what triggered ALL the problems/issues I had in my previous relationship, which eventually led to the BU :-I

Simply for RESPECT for your future partner, pls do not keep in touch with EX. An ex should be X'd out of your LIFE!!

[Sugarkane]

Sure it's nice she's on good terms with her ex. But she has to because of The child they have. If she was childless it would probably be a totally different story. I don't see being friends with exes has helped people much. Why else does it cause being friendzoned on here? Or being completely ignored?

I don't buy that her friendship with her son's father is due solely to the child. Sure, the boy is a contributing factor to initiate some sort of contact, but this contact doesn't have to be a close friendship as she described.

 

It's nice that she decided to maintain a relationship for her son's sake, but her son isn't forcing her to talk about her sex life or work life with her ex. She's choosing to go that far in the relationship, and as she said, it's completely platonic.

 

 

 

If I may, I have to say that not all exes are cheaters. I was with my ex for nearly two years. She broke up with me for a "friend." Am I friends with her? Do I keep in touch? Nope. Would I like to? Sure, but I'm not at the stage yet where I can make that decision. I always felt like she cheated on me emotionally, but that's an unfair accusation. She just started having feelings for him. She can't help it. It literally could have happened to anybody. Even me. It doesn't mean the situation is any less terrible, though. Just forgivable.

 

And look, you're talking about your partner leaving you for someone else. Another person in this thread is talking about a partner going back to an ex. The fact is, in every instance, someone gets hurt. I mean, so many people are sad because their partner left them for another man/woman. They would be so happy if the partner realized that they made a mistake and got back together with them. Now how do you think that other man/woman feels? Now, if your partner physically cheated, that's a different story.

[Kenji]

I don't ask girls out with the hopes of being their friend. I'm either their BF or their husband... I was never their Gay Best Friend and I am never going to be their Gay Best Friend. My "friend" bag is already full.

I'm confused. I'm talking about being friends prior to developing romantic feelings. Are you saying that once you develop those feelings, you no longer want to be friends? Are you saying that if you asked her out and she turned you down, you would terminate the friendship there?

 

Sure it's nice she's on good terms with her ex. But she has to because of The child they have. If she was childless it would probably be a totally different story. I don't see being friends with exes has helped people much. Why else does it cause being friendzoned on here? Or being completely ignored?

 

The term "friend-zoned" suggests that you still have feelings for this person. I am speaking about situations in which neither holds romantic feelings for the other. And no, she does not have to be on good terms with her ex because of her child (I'd even say that they are on great terms). When most people here talking about no contact with the mother or father of their child, they are usually told to keep it strictly professional. She could easily have a relationship in which she only spoke to him about their son. But no, she chooses to talk to him about other things (I don't mean to put her under a microscope, by the way).

 

It works for them. I maintain that it is possible and could be mutually beneficial to both people. Also, I really don't want to make it sound like being friends with an ex is superior to ending all contact. I just want to iterate my opinion that it's possible.

 

Thanks for your input. It's very nice to hear different perspectives.

[Sugarkane]

Thankyou for your opinion. It's a change to see someone that can actually not be cruel and vindictive to an ex. I wish more people could do The same too. Instead of never talking to you again and acting like they never met you at all.

I'm confused. I'm talking about being friends prior to developing romantic feelings. Are you saying that once you develop those feelings, you no longer want to be friends? Are you saying that if you asked her out and she turned you down, you would terminate the friendship there?

 

 

 

The term "friend-zoned" suggests that you still have feelings for this person. I am speaking about situations in which neither holds romantic feelings for the other. And no, she does not have to be on good terms with her ex because of her child (I'd even say that they are on great terms). When most people here talking about no contact with the mother or father of their child, they are usually told to keep it strictly professional. She could easily have a relationship in which she only spoke to him about their son. But no, she chooses to talk to him about other things (I don't mean to put her under a microscope, by the way).

 

It works for them. I maintain that it is possible and could be mutually beneficial to both people. Also, I really don't want to make it sound like being friends with an ex is superior to ending all contact. I just want to iterate my opinion that it's possible.

 

Thanks for your input. It's very nice to hear different perspectives.

Edited April 4, 2013 by Sugarkane

[Kenji]

Once the line is crossed, it's VERY hard to go back to being friends

 

You yourself aren't there with your Ex. Plus, who is to say she even will accept your friendship.

I said it would be nice to be friends with her. As in, it would be nice to be able to talk before we grew into a couple. I am not actively pursuing her nor do I ever plan on doing so.

 

When I was younger, I was never one to be friends with girls unless their was no attraction on my part. If I wasn't attracted then, I never became attracted.

 

Call me crazy but I am perfectly content with friends who are guys. I have sisters, cousins, etc. who I can be my "friends" that are women.

 

I don't become friends with girls I want to date. If I see / talk to a woman I am attracted too... I don't mess around, I ask them out.

If that's how you think, that's perfectly fine and valid. I just don't think it's an absurd idea to be friends with a woman you have no intention of dating.

 

You like to be friends with women who are attractive, I don't. Nobody is right or wrong, it's a preference.

I have no idea what I said that made you infer this about me.

 

I don't know how old you are but in my experience, those of my friends and people I work with... Whatever opposite sex friends you have, you will lose them at some point.

Likewise, in my experience, having opposite-sex lifelong friends is absolutely possible.

 

I am not in HS or college or a 20 something... So the whole friends with girls thing for me is pointless.

So only younger people are capable of being friends with girls?

 

I have plenty of friends (male) already. Going shopping, listening to a woman talk about her day, complain about her BF or listen to gossip or whatever women want to do / talk about... doesn't interest me. I have sisters, cousins, etc. who I get plenty of girl "friend" time with.

Yes, that's absolutely fine.

 

Not for many people. If you took a poll here, I bet 80% or more would prefer the person they dating isn't friends with their Exes or have a lot of opposite sex "just friends".

I said possible. Not common.

 

A LOT of the posters have first hand experience of an "Ex who is now a friend" or an opposite sex "just friend" that was only a "just friend" or only an "Ex who is now a friend" for a period of time. Usually something bad happens and the Ex or the opposite sex "just friends" is no longer a "friend" but someone more. That usually involves your BF / GF exchanging body fluids with the former "Ex who is a friend" and former "just friend".

 

In my case, I don't have "Exes who are now friends" or a "just friends"... I only have friends. You see, I don't have define them for you or anyone I might date. Fortunately for me, there are a lot of women who conduct themselves and only have friends like I do. You will learn quick, if someone has to tell you / define that someone is "just a friend"... That means JUST FOR NOW.

Now you are talking about opposite sex friends in general, not exes. The only reason I even specified friends who were exes is because that's precisely what we were talking about. Even if I did have an ex who is a friend, I wouldn't go around introducing her as an ex who is now a friend. She would be my friend. Nobody is asking you to define them as a certain type of friend.

 

Whatever gets you through the day. I have a feeling if you do become friends with your Ex and enter into another relationship... Whoever that girl might be, I bet she is going to have a major problem with that friendship.

 

Like I said, I'm older so I know the downsides to be friends with Exes and dating someone who is. You factor in that, I don't really like being friends with women, you lose them as a friend at some point anyway, etc... The reward, isn't worth the risk.

 

Also, what is my GF / wife getting from an Ex she was in love with, got on all fours for and screwed that I don't offer / give / provide?

 

If it isn't a child they share together... You aren't going to convince me that I should ever be okay / accept this. It's is disrespectful, rude, insensitive and unnecessary and from what I have seen and heard... It usually involves someone getting screwed over.

I'm not trying to convince you to be okay with it. Once again, I'm just saying that it's possible for someone to be friends with their ex without any troubles. If you personally can't find yourself doing it, then that's you. Again, I have no intention of rekindling a friendship with my ex. I would also appreciate if you didn't belittle my beliefs.

[Kenji]

How did I belittle your beliefs?

 

You stated yours and I stated mine. I agreed that it's possible what you said, just like you said... I don't think very easy / common.

 

It all boils down to a preference. There is no right or wrong.

 

If you like having opposite sex friends and Exes who are now friends... I am sure there are women who are not bothered by that at all.

Oh, I apologize. I seemed to have misconstrued your "Whatever gets you through the day" comment as abrasive. My fault. We will have to agree to disagree. Thank you for your perspective!

[lissa90]

Haha thanks for the replies - and the slight change of topic .

 

I do believe if you have kids, it changes the ball game. Like she said, it took her 6 years to get there.

I have a kid, and I am amicable with her dad, even friendLY..but not friends.

 

In regards to ex"s who you do not have anyties with (kids) I do find it pointless if its going to take years to get to a place where you can be friends.

 

Taramaiden is right. Go no contact. Its hurts a lot less then going through the process of convincing yourself that you can go down the route of friendship and then realising you quite clearly can't. I had a hidden agenda that I didn't even know about.