My ex called to let me know she's engaged

[heartshapedrocks]

Short history: 7 mos post BU after 4.5 yrs LTR.

She is 38, I'm 45.

We lived together, did couples counseling, she really withdrew from me.

I do not feel like at times she was honest with me.

I felt like I was walking on eggshells.

Finally I had to ask if she was in or she was out. She chose out.

It seemed like she took the BU hard too.

We had stuff we had to work out, like personal effects & finances.

 

I loved her but have worked hard on getting over it.

Very, very limited Contact.

I could count on one hand how many times we talked since BU over these past 7 months.

In Nov. (2 months Post BU) she told me she was dating someone we knew when we were together. It hurt.

Last month (March) we met to exchange financial paperwork & some personal effects.

I have tried to take the high road, take care of me, do not drink or smoke.

Work out, take classes, focus on spiritual enlightening things etc.

I had made it through the holidays, our anniversary, milestones etc.

Yesterday she called me to let me know she was engaged.

It was so hard to hear that & it was like a sword through my heart.

She didn't want me to find out through the grapevine.

I told her I didn't know what to say. Congrats? I hope you are happy?

She told me that she wanted me to be happy & not be hurt. She cared about me.

I am PO'd today & feel like I am back at square one.

Cried myself to sleep last night ...

I know I will heal & do not want to go in victim mode.

Please help.

[fabulousgal]

I'm so sorry you are in pain. It is completely understandable and confusing, I am sure. I am not quite sure myself if I'd want to hear from her, or not. My guess is that I wouldn't.

 

I think this is a card life has dealt and it hurts. Stay strong, focus on your self-improvement, and cry. Be kind to yourself, try to do one thing for you every day. Mine was a session with a trainer today and a manicure later.

 

Maybe when you feel a bit better you could focus on meeting others.

[RiceaRoni]

If she cared she would have never called to tell you this...she would have had the decency to leave you alone...

 

I'm sorry this happened..the only thing you can do know it look forward and not back..that's the only direction from here. Get out with friends, family, co-workers, etc.

 

Time to indulge for yourself, and to let her live her life the way she wants it. Is it fair she did this to you? no. However life isn't fair and we grow stronger from the challenges it gives us..

 

stay NC with her and live for yourself now. I would be furious if an ex told me they were engaged..I would rather them leave me alone and let me live without knowing about their life, than hurt me.

 

stay strong

[IfiKnewThen]

i remember reading on the internet they married after 6 months after we broke up. i was shocked and horrified. there is no way to describe that pain and finality. maybe knowing they are engaged..is like a bridge. at least you know something. but i agree with the others too that ignorance is bliss. or not knowing . its not pretty either way. just (((hugs)))...simply hugs. i prayed a lot and tried to get focused on other things. sorry lost for words here. hang in there please.

 

 

somehow, some way you will find someone worthwhile. God bless.

[RogerWallace111]

It's of little significance but this marriage sounds about 90% likely to fail. She's known the guy a few months, and it's pretty safe to assume she's just diving in as means of evading the loneliness she found after yourguys' breakup.

 

Seems to happen all the time. And considering how many people who are together for years and thoroughly convinced they're soulmates still end up divorced, your ex sounds f*cked.

 

And it sounds like she probably just told you as a means of having some effect on you. No profound statement, but the more people feel a need to rub something in others' faces, the more likely they're lying to themselves about the true nature of that thing. Whatever it might be.

[coralie]

I completely understand and sympathize. Mine had emailed to tell me of the "news", and it was literally 3 months after BU and him meeting her online. It opened up a whole new world of hurt when I found out. It's only been 2 weeks since his engagement news so I'm still hurting, but you know what, knowing this will help us let go. It hurts a lot now, but the finality of hearing something like that will help us in the long run. It's what I keep telling myself anyway.

 

Hang in there, and take care. We will get throught this.

[bob the brave]

I am PO'd today & feel like I am back at square one.

Cried myself to sleep last night.

 

That is why she did it. It was mean and spiteful. Just forget her. I know it will be hard, it will take time. It won't happen or night. But that should be your goal.

[Darren Steez]

You know she's with someone else. She's told you, been upfront. Cruel or harsh? It's life unfortunately, people move on. She has. Now you have to too. I'm not sure why you are still in contact but maybe it's best to just cut it off if it's hurting so much you are crying.

[heartshapedrocks]

Thanks everyone.

I am over it now & will go on my merry way....

I am not on here much and really go on living pretty well.

The reason we were in contact is because we had financial entanglements, a house to sell and did not want to use lawyers to iron it out that cost becoup money.

I thought it was weird & upsetting because someone who was so upset in our last couples counselling in September (her) is now engaged.

In Dec she sent me a Christmas card that had hearts on it.

It is confusing...sad actually... being a human being not a human doer at times makes me vulnerable.

I will own my side of the street & do not contact her whatsoever.

I do wish her the best in my own way.

No worries...I certainly accept life on life's terms for I have been sober for 10 years and use the principals of recovery in my every day life regularly.

One thing I use before I take any action is to ask myself 3 questions...

 

1. Is it true?

2. Is it kind?

3. Is it necessary?

 

Not everyone uses the same process obviously.

Thanks for the replies.

Edited April 4, 2013 by heartshapedrocks

[hockeyfan99]

If she cared she would have never called to tell you this...she would have had the decency to leave you alone...

 

I'm sorry this happened..the only thing you can do know it look forward and not back..that's the only direction from here. Get out with friends, family, co-workers, etc.

 

Time to indulge for yourself, and to let her live her life the way she wants it. Is it fair she did this to you? no. However life isn't fair and we grow stronger from the challenges it gives us..

 

stay NC with her and live for yourself now. I would be furious if an ex told me they were engaged..I would rather them leave me alone and let me live without knowing about their life, than hurt me.

 

stay strong

 

 

"If she cared she would have never called to tell you this...she would have had the decency to leave you alone..."

 

i TOTALLY agree with this statement. what on earth is the point of telling you that news? i can sorta understand WHY she did tell you but does it change ANYTHING? telling you doesn't do anything but hurt you more. how the heck did she think you were going to respond to that kinda news. my ex and i have been apart for over 6 months now and if she called me to tell that kinda news i would be pissed and ask her what the point of telling me that. i just feel that its not needed at all. you too are BU and thats it. nobody needs to share ANY info about the other persons life at this point b/c it serves NO purpose and it still doesn't change a thing one bit. sorry this happened to you and it shouldn't have. if you find out from the grapevine then so be it. she just needs to leave you the hell alone that way YOU TOO can move on with your life.

 

hang in there