tuxedo cat Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I'm taking a night class once a week where we sit around a long table. I've been getting the sense that the guy sitting directly across from me might be interested. Sometimes I've accidentally made eye contact with him--hate that--and he holds his eyes on mine. I'm not interested in him. I was hoping I was just imagining it. Today I got a friend request on facebook from him. It took me a few minutes to figure out who he was because I didn't know his name. I decided to accept his request out of politeness. I thought it was a little weird because we've literally never spoken. In class today I did my best to avoid eye contact with him but he still tried to chat with me at one point. In the middle of class, he poked me on facebook. I left class quickly after it ended so he wouldn't try to talk to me. This morning I got a message from him on facebook: "Great class last night! :)" He doesn't seem to be taking a hint. Problem is I can't change my seat because people have their regular places and it would be obvious I was avoiding him. How can I deflect his advances while minimizing awkwardness?
truth_seeker Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I'm taking a night class once a week where we sit around a long table. I've been getting the sense that the guy sitting directly across from me might be interested. Sometimes I've accidentally made eye contact with him--hate that--and he holds his eyes on mine. I'm not interested in him. I was hoping I was just imagining it. Today I got a friend request on facebook from him. It took me a few minutes to figure out who he was because I didn't know his name. I decided to accept his request out of politeness. I thought it was a little weird because we've literally never spoken. In class today I did my best to avoid eye contact with him but he still tried to chat with me at one point. In the middle of class, he poked me on facebook. I left class quickly after it ended so he wouldn't try to talk to me. This morning I got a message from him on facebook: "Great class last night! :)" He doesn't seem to be taking a hint. Problem is I can't change my seat because people have their regular places and it would be obvious I was avoiding him. How can I deflect his advances while minimizing awkwardness? Simple: you tell him you're seeing someone. 6
rocketman122 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I'm taking a night class once a week where we sit around a long table. I've been getting the sense that the guy sitting directly across from me might be interested. Sometimes I've accidentally made eye contact with him--hate that--and he holds his eyes on mine. I'm not interested in him. I was hoping I was just imagining it. Today I got a friend request on facebook from him. It took me a few minutes to figure out who he was because I didn't know his name. I decided to accept his request out of politeness. I thought it was a little weird because we've literally never spoken. In class today I did my best to avoid eye contact with him but he still tried to chat with me at one point. In the middle of class, he poked me on facebook. I left class quickly after it ended so he wouldn't try to talk to me. This morning I got a message from him on facebook: "Great class last night! :)" He doesn't seem to be taking a hint. Problem is I can't change my seat because people have their regular places and it would be obvious I was avoiding him. How can I deflect his advances while minimizing awkwardness? not interested, phuk off! hows that? remove from FB. done. why do you these questions? you seem very vocal here but cant tell a dick to FO?
TheGuard13 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 What hint isn't he getting? You accepted a Facebook friend request from someone you've never spoken to, and who you don't even seem to want to talk to. Guess what? When you accept a Facebook request, people might think you want to talk to them. He poked you... And he sent you a message on Facebook. Did you respond? But what hint did you give him, exactly? Oh, you left class early? That's not direct enough for someone in this context. None of the things you've done thus far seem to qualify as "hints". 3
wwwwww Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Ill halp you out. 1. Update your status with "in a relationship" with one of your gay friends who will play along. 2. Go buy a 10 dollar fake wedding ring. 3. Update your status to "engaged to so&so." 4. Take pictures of you two dry humping, or something similar. 5. Have faux fiance send a life threatening message. If he wants. 6. If that doesn't work, keep a taser and some bear mace handy. If this doesn't work, you're on your own.
TigerCub Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Hey Tuxedo, Yeah it actually seems like you're sending him mixed messages because you accepted his friend request. I understand why you did it - but what's wrong with just talking to him and if he asks you out, then you can say that you're either not interested or that you're already dating someone. Just be friends with him, because so far, that's all he's trying to do (even though we know that he's gonna eventually ask you out) - but don't accept his friend invite and then ignore him, that just seems needlessly mean. Just see it as 'Hey, I just made a new friend' and if he asks you out - then you can deal with it. 1
Imajerk17 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) I'm taking a night class once a week where we sit around a long table. I've been getting the sense that the guy sitting directly across from me might be interested. Sometimes I've accidentally made eye contact with him--hate that--and he holds his eyes on mine. I'm not interested in him. I was hoping I was just imagining it. Today I got a friend request on facebook from him. It took me a few minutes to figure out who he was because I didn't know his name. I decided to accept his request out of politeness. I thought it was a little weird because we've literally never spoken. In class today I did my best to avoid eye contact with him but he still tried to chat with me at one point. In the middle of class, he poked me on facebook. I left class quickly after it ended so he wouldn't try to talk to me. This morning I got a message from him on facebook: "Great class last night! :)" He doesn't seem to be taking a hint. Problem is I can't change my seat because people have their regular places and it would be obvious I was avoiding him. How can I deflect his advances while minimizing awkwardness? This is a very interesting thread. And it gives some insight as to why many women come across as so guarded. Many a woman fears the awkward situation of turning down the advance from a guy she isn't interested in, so much so that when a guy "skips steps" in the getting-to-know-you dance, she will avoid him so that she won't be put in that situation. I'd ask you to look at it a little from a guy's perspective though. The guy is interested in a girl and because the girl isn't interested back (due to whatever reason), she is treating him like a creep. That on our end does seem rather harsh. Tuxedo, it wouldn't kill you to override that guardedness and chat with the guy for a few minutes. If he asks you out you can trot out the usual excuses "I have a boyfriend","I'm too busy to date", "I'm not over my ex", "I'm a lesbian", "I'm thinking of getting a sex change" and so on. Edited April 3, 2013 by Imajerk17 3
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 This is a very interesting thread. And it gives some insight as to why many women come across as so guarded. When a guy "skips steps" in the getting-to-know-you dance, it freaks women out because then they fear an awkward situation. Tuxedo, it wouldn't kill you to chat with the guy for a few minutes. If he asks you out you can trot out the usual excuses "I have a boyfriend" "I'm too busy to date" "I'm not over my ex" and so on. Why should I chat with him--wouldn't that be leading him on? 1
SuperGeek Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I love how girls would rather keep avoiding eye contact, looking at the floor while talking, and just make things hard on everyone rather than just tell him how it is. Just don't worry about it and if he hits on you, tell him you aren't available. If he asks why just say you'd rather not talk about it. If he persists again, just say you aren't interested and you are strictly there for educational reasons. Most guys will get the point and back off pretty easy. Be respectful but firm when you say it. Sounds pretty simple to me... Why worry about it until something happens? Girls be crazy. 1
Imajerk17 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Why should I chat with him--wouldn't that be leading him on? I was going to just say no, you talk to bunches of guys you aren't into (e.g., other coworkers, male friends, and so on), right? This is what I am going to guess though: Because he skipped steps (gazing at you, FB-friending you before talking to you even once), you are concerned that if you talk to him, you will have a problem on your hands. Thing is though, there are a million excuses you can trot out that will keep your "friendship" with this guy to within the classroom.
Jim Jimmy James Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Ill halp you out. 1. Update your status with "in a relationship" with one of your gay friends who will play along. 2. Go buy a 10 dollar fake wedding ring. 3. Update your status to "engaged to so&so." 4. Take pictures of you two dry humping, or something similar. 5. Have faux fiance send a life threatening message. If he wants. 6. If that doesn't work, keep a taser and some bear mace handy. If this doesn't work, you're on your own. Try this one ... you just had a sex change operation.
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I'm taking a night class once a week where we sit around a long table. I've been getting the sense that the guy sitting directly across from me might be interested. Sometimes I've accidentally made eye contact with him--hate that--and he holds his eyes on mine. I'm not interested in him. I was hoping I was just imagining it. Today I got a friend request on facebook from him. It took me a few minutes to figure out who he was because I didn't know his name. I decided to accept his request out of politeness. I thought it was a little weird because we've literally never spoken. In class today I did my best to avoid eye contact with him but he still tried to chat with me at one point. In the middle of class, he poked me on facebook. I left class quickly after it ended so he wouldn't try to talk to me. This morning I got a message from him on facebook: "Great class last night! :)" He doesn't seem to be taking a hint. Problem is I can't change my seat because people have their regular places and it would be obvious I was avoiding him. How can I deflect his advances while minimizing awkwardness? Aha. The eye contact story made me laugh. Happens to me all the time. Men think EVERY woman who makes eye contact with them for an extended period is interested. Not! File this one under trying to read women's signals.
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Amuse us and tell us what kind of a guy he is. Like desecribe him physically.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) Amuse us and tell us what kind of a guy he is. Like desecribe him physically. He is short--probably about 5'8", unattractive face. His personality seems alright, he's sort of funny, but nothing special. I'm just not attracted to him. Edited April 3, 2013 by tuxedo cat
SuperGeek Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Experienced men don't think this way. Most of us with any life experience behind us know that eye contact means nothing most of the time unless there is some kind of context behind it. I used to take it personally when women would go to any length to avoid contact with me. Now just don't care anymore. If they look at the side walk for 30 minutes to avoid looking at me, hey that's cool. They just won't likely have me talking to them very much or at all. I don't talk to women that ignore me like that What would be the point? Aha. The eye contact story made me laugh. Happens to me all the time. Men think EVERY woman who makes eye contact with them for an extended period is interested. Not! File this one under trying to read women's signals. 1
grkBoy Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I'm taking a night class once a week where we sit around a long table. I've been getting the sense that the guy sitting directly across from me might be interested. Sometimes I've accidentally made eye contact with him--hate that--and he holds his eyes on mine. I'm not interested in him. I was hoping I was just imagining it. Today I got a friend request on facebook from him. It took me a few minutes to figure out who he was because I didn't know his name. I decided to accept his request out of politeness. I thought it was a little weird because we've literally never spoken. In class today I did my best to avoid eye contact with him but he still tried to chat with me at one point. In the middle of class, he poked me on facebook. I left class quickly after it ended so he wouldn't try to talk to me. This morning I got a message from him on facebook: "Great class last night! :)" He doesn't seem to be taking a hint. Problem is I can't change my seat because people have their regular places and it would be obvious I was avoiding him. How can I deflect his advances while minimizing awkwardness? I say let him ask you out first...then you can reject him honestly and politely without feeling bad. Just politely tell him (when he asks you out) that you're flattered, but not interested in him. If he can't handle an honest rejection, then it's not your problem. If he suddenly wants to get into 20 questions of "why?", then tell him it's none of his business and goodnight. 1
SJC2008 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 He should of tried to get to know you in person before FBing you. TBS you shouldn't of been a nice girl and accepted his request. If you can't decline a FB request from a virtual stranger how will you ever verbalize a concern with someone you're in a relationship with? Toughen up, rejection is part of life, he'll live and you'll live the next time you get rejected.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 TBS you shouldn't of been a nice girl and accepted his request. Lesson learned.
O'Malley Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 It's fine to have boundaries and not feel guilty about them, whether it's turning down online friend requests or preferring not to chat with someone whose interest you don't reciprocate. He's not doing anything wrong, but that doesn't mean you're obligated to get to know him either. If he tries to engage you in conversation during class and you don't want to talk with him, be polite but brief; he'll get the hint and move on. Or you might start talking to him and find him a lot more interesting than you thought, even if you're never going to be attracted to him. No harm done either way.
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Experienced men don't think this way. Most of us with any life experience behind us know that eye contact means nothing most of the time unless there is some kind of context behind it. I used to take it personally when women would go to any length to avoid contact with me. Now just don't care anymore. If they look at the side walk for 30 minutes to avoid looking at me, hey that's cool. They just won't likely have me talking to them very much or at all. I don't talk to women that ignore me like that What would be the point? I don't think that way. What I was saying is that it HAPPENS all the time, but I never construe it to be that the woman is interested. Even if I knew OP for a whole year and we'd had tons of laughs and beers and shared each other's life dreams, I still wouldn't think she was romantically interested until we were kissing and she wasn't totally, completely bombed. It's the mistake of inexperienced men. Somewhere on this dating advice forum or another, the guy in her class is probably posting a thread about how he is totally in love with this girl in his class and how he can muster the courage to make a move. As far as the OP, do something or don't do anything, it doesn't matter. It's the guy's fault. He'll learn eventually. Hopefully.
greenetree Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Things are already awkward no? Why should you stress about this every time you go to class... Just tell him you are not attracted to him. End of story - then at worst he'll feel awkward but he'll get over it.
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I say let him ask you out first...then you can reject him honestly and politely without feeling bad. Just politely tell him (when he asks you out) that you're flattered, but not interested in him. If he can't handle an honest rejection, then it's not your problem. If he suddenly wants to get into 20 questions of "why?", then tell him it's none of his business and goodnight. This. This. This. This....
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Let's cut the bull - we all know he likes her in "that way". Why should she talk to him? Just to encourage him to ask her out so she can reject him? The more she interacts, the more he will build the attraction. Seriously, that led me to having semi stalkers in the past. There is an inherent sense of creepiness when you are being pursued by someone you have zero attraction to. Guys, think about that obese girl that you wouldn't f...if she was the last one on earth...and her trying to get "closer" to you. Feels creepy yet? It almost makes me feel violated when someone like that builds up fantasies in his head while staring at me :sick: There is also his apparent lack of reading social cues that adds to the creepy vibe. 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Kissing is not a good indicator. Many girls give kisses out like handshakes these days. I've found that it's best to just assume interest and proceed from there. I'd like to live where you live. In my world, women would rather rather have a colonoscopy every day for a month than kiss a man she wasn't physically attracted to.
grkBoy Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Let's cut the bull - we all know he likes her in "that way". Why should she talk to him? Just to encourage him to ask her out so she can reject him? The more she interacts, the more he will build the attraction. Seriously, that led me to having semi stalkers in the past. There is an inherent sense of creepiness when you are being pursued by someone you have zero attraction to. Guys, think about that obese girl that you wouldn't f...if she was the last one on earth...and her trying to get "closer" to you. Feels creepy yet? It almost makes me feel violated when someone like that builds up fantasies in his head while staring at me :sick: There is also his apparent lack of reading social cues that adds to the creepy vibe. I dunno. I'm a believer in not pushing things until something is on the table. If I am friendly with a woman I'm not into, I won't automatically assume her being nice to me means she likes me as a potential boyfriend. Even if she does, I'd rather wait until she actually tries something (like trying to get me out on a date) as opposed to smugly saying in so many ways "don't even think of asking me out". I know the OP isn't being smug, but she feels like he likes her and she's not into him. However, for someone looking to avoid conflict, just coming out and saying it without him even asking her out or making a move is just plain smug. I would simply say to be friendly, don't flirt or get too personal, and simply be polite and honest if he does make a move. If he can't handle it, then grow a thick skin and let him be. He'll probably end up here whining about how women reject him and life isn't fair, blah blah blah.
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