mtnbiker3000 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 It's not so much breaking NC (17 days). I really have no desire to speak with the ex, so NC is no problem right now. I am getting support from LS, therapy and friends & family. What I really want is to start the process of moving on. I feel stuck in the same pattern of thoughts just circling around with no forward progress. Now, I am running over events that happened in the last few months and wondering if my ex was actually seeing someone (either PA or EA)? I really don't think so. I think it is just my mind doing this to me. I asked her when we first BU and she said no. I believe her. I do. Also, she is a moral, ethical and good person. I just don’t think she would do this. I am pretty sure she wants to be alone for a while anyway, as she stated. My mind just keeps going back to it. Looking at a scenario that would have allowed her to do it, but with really no proof or reason to think she would. How do I move past this? Obviously I cannot speak to her about it. I just want to let go of this… And please don't tell me "dude, she cheated on you"… I realize that happens a lot, but just don't think she did. Just can't get over the tiny little paranoia in my head saying she might have. Any ideas about how to do this? Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way? Maybe forgiveness no matter what happened? How? How? How? I just want to move forward in a positive manner!!
geegirl Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I believe it's normal to have those thoughts bombard you, especially when you aren't sure if the ex cheated. I had to go through the same thing. Granted I caught him cheating, but then I started going nuts about the instances during our relationship that at the time weren't a red flag, but after the break-up seemed very suspicious. I needed an answer. The thing is, you will never find your answer. In time, when you slowly start to detach, the details will not matter to you anymore. Whether she cheated or didn't, you'll be focused on what's ahead of you rather than nitpick about who and what. You can't rush forgiveness because you need to find acceptance. When you can look past being wronged and accept that it was done and you're ready to move on, forgiveness comes. It comes when there are no more questions to ask. It comes when you seek no answers. It's not something you force upon yourself because it's the only was to move on. It's when you have moved on, you forgive and along with that, comes the gift of acceptance.
McGriff Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Dude, she cheated on you. J/k! Hahaha---any way, I know what you mean, but I think the important thing here is---if she did, if she didnt---does it change anything? It goes along with the missing variable from a math problem I talked about on another thread. You will never know, it's in the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. I mean, I have had a rough day today, and all sorts of crazy scenarios have crossed my mind, but at the end of the day, your mind is just trying to answer questions with missing variables, and that's been proven very inaccurate and only makes for more suffering.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 J/k! Hahaha---any way, I know what you mean, but I think the important thing here is---if she did, if she didnt---does it change anything? It goes along with the missing variable from a math problem I talked about on another thread. You will never know, it's in the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. I mean, I have had a rough day today, and all sorts of crazy scenarios have crossed my mind, but at the end of the day, your mind is just trying to answer questions with missing variables, and that's been proven very inaccurate and only makes for more suffering. I know what you mean. For us anaylytical types, this kind of thing is rough, rough, rough. My ex is such a deep right-brainier, she probably is already totally moved on and not giving it another thought, while I sit her and over-analyze Yup, I had such a rough Sunday night / Monday morning, I had to call in sick on Monday. Just sat around dwelling. Hate this!!!
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Forgiveness, isn't about whether you should or shouldn't. It's about whether you can/can't or even want to. What benefit are you gleaning from this repetitive analysis? Do you actually WANT to move on yet? Because frankly, it IS possible that you're not ready to.... NC may well not be a problem for you. But maybe you aren't ready in yourself to quite let go of it all, yet.......
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Forgiveness, isn't about whether you should or shouldn't. It's about whether you can/can't or even want to. What benefit are you gleaning from this repetitive analysis? Do you actually WANT to move on yet? Because frankly, it IS possible that you're not ready to.... NC may well not be a problem for you. But maybe you aren't ready in yourself to quite let go of it all, yet....... Well, as many others here on LS are also trying to do, I am trying to get answers. Trying to understand more. Trying to process and cope. I think I want to move on and let go. I don't want to stay where I am, that's for sure... Seems like ready and want are two different things?? 2
geegirl Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Well, as many others here on LS are also trying to do, I am trying to get answers. Trying to understand more. Trying to process and cope. I think I want to move on and let go. I don't want to stay where I am, that's for sure... Seems like ready and want are two different things?? No answers. You'll never get them.
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Well, as many others here on LS are also trying to do, I am trying to get answers. Trying to understand more. Trying to process and cope. I think I want to move on and let go. I don't want to stay where I am, that's for sure... Seems like ready and want are two different things?? Answers - like closure - are an 'inner' thing. Don't rush it. I think you want to be a mile ahead of where you are... Kind of like someone starting to knit, but wanting the jumper already..... Got any books yet.......? 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Answers - like closure - are an 'inner' thing. Don't rush it. I think you want to be a mile ahead of where you are... Kind of like someone starting to knit, but wanting the jumper already..... Got any books yet.......? Yeah, I feel like I can see where I want to be. If I squint, it's way, way down the road. Just want to be there NOW. I guess i have to just suck it up and proceed slowly but surely like everyone else on here Yup, I got the first book you mentioned. Don't remember the title, something about living & dying. It's at home... Yeah, it is a pretty thick book. Good thing I've got lots of time Think this will help me with understanding these 'inner-things"? That's what I am hoping for.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 The thing is, you will never find your answer. In time, when you slowly start to detach, the details will not matter to you anymore. Whether she cheated or didn't, you'll be focused on what's ahead of you rather than nitpick about who and what. I am just worried about the issue of dealing with extra added future insecurities due to infidelity. If I knew that wasn't the case, seems like that wouldn't be an issue, But if it was the case, then crap... Just more murky waters to wade through...
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 It's not always a case of 'understanding' everything. It's more of a question of *Seeing Things As They Really Are.* It's never a case of handling/changing/moulding what's out there, to suit our tastes. It's always - but Always - a case of adapting ourselves to events and circumstances and dealing with them Skilfully. ('Skilfully' is a favourite and oft-used term in Buddhism.... ) 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Well, in this case, I am almost positive of the answer I am looking for anyway. I am just going to go with it (skillfully ) and try to move on from there. Not going to spend a ton more time trying to 'figure it out'. Not really necessary...
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 If you have a problem, and you also have the solution, there's no point worrying about it.... If you have a problem, and you don't have the solution, there's no use worrying about it....
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