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Posted (edited)

My Background:

 

I met a great guy but the timing wasn’t right for him (and after this experience I realize I wasn’t ready either). He just ended a long term relationship less than a year prior and a drama field rebound relationship a few months prior. And before that he was in back to back long term relationships (3yrs+) since he was 19yrs old (he’s 27 now) with no breaks to enjoy being single. With that being said he was looking for a FWB situation while he focused on his education, career, health, and religion. However when he met me he quickly realized I wasn’t the FWB type of girl and instead of moving on to find that FWB he began dating me exclusively.

 

However after a few months of dating we had the talk about transitioning into a relationship and he made it very clear he wasn’t ready for that right now but he wanted me to continue seeing him until he was ready. Now I’m no fool I know there is no guarantee that if I stay we would have a happily ever after. So I left and he pursued me like crazy for the next 2 weeks because he didnt want to loose me but he wasn’t willing to budge on the relationship title… which was crazy because he was already doing everything required for a healthy relationship during our dating phase just no title. Once I realized that he wasn’t going to budge I began NC.

 

I was no contact for 1 week then I got bored/ lonely and broke it. During that time he told me he had a one night stand which broke me emotionally and I went back into NC. After about 2 weeks of NC I was having an extremely rough day so I began looking for help and that’s when I found this site.

 

Why I think this blog can be hindering progress:

 

I browsed this site for hours finding post that I could relate to see the advice others were given to get through there NC low points. At first I thought the advice was extremely helpful so much so that I created an account and made my own post seeking advice. This site became toxic for me instead of focusing on improving myself (which is what I was doing during my first two weeks of NC) I began to focus on how to get over my ex.

 

The majority of the post tell you to use NC to work on yourself and that by improving yourself you will eventually get over your ex but how can you truly do that if your spending hours reading through the advice of those recently scorned (which is why they are on here to began with). I spent an entire week on this site and only found one positive post. Even those who are in relationships now have a bitter tone to their post. I’m not saying the advice is not good advice but after reading through hours of hurt/pain and people telling you it takes months if not years to be in a better place it’s hard to have a positive outlook on your process and one can become easily over whelmed.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t spend too much time on this site looking for help/ healing because it won’t come... it can only come if you work on healing yourself. I’ve been NC from this site for 3 days now and I must say I feel a lot better. I no longer feel like a Debbie Downer…don’t get me wrong I’m not healed I still have a lot more work to do but I am more optimistic about a speedy recover :)

Edited by TaylorBe
Posted

Well jog on then ms overacheiver.

Posted

People have different ways of letting go of their loved ones and move on.

 

Some of us come here for advice or to help others since we can't take our own advice most of the time. I can't argue that coming on here will keep the fire in your heart still burning but I also strongly believe that it does depend on the person.

 

My BU and NC started since early Dec 2012 and I still show up on here.

There are time I read my own posts from months ago to see what in the world I said and frankly I even laugh at some of them now (WTH was I thinking).

 

Just like you, I too got on here at first by simply reading others situations trying to relate it with mine then i gave in and posted. In the beginning of the BU, I used LS as my friend that I could talk to when I needed advice. Sometimes I would even pass out while reading others people stuff. I didn't mind as it was better than falling asleep having my ex running through my mind.

 

Now 5 Months post BU and I still come on here - not as often but it is nice to check with people and help by giving them the extra boost of encouragement to move on.

 

I still think of my ex but I don't dwell over it as much as I used to.

 

Coming on here has helped me a lot indirectly - First by reading people's situations made me realize that I wasn't the only one hurt and had to face things head on. Now that I think I am fully moved on and healed it has been a pleasure to come on here and give others an helping hand.

 

Don't see what's negative about coming on here - In my case it's a Win - Win situation.

  • Like 5
Posted

I like this post, OP. I'm going to try this. Thank you :)

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Hi All,

 

I'm not saying this site is bad for you. trust me I have gotten a lot out of the posts on here. My ultimate goal is to heal and move on and I just found that filling my mind with hear break and grief wasnt helping me heal. It was however helping me find new ways that he broke my heart. All I'm saying is that a break from heart broken people may be good for you...it was for me at least...But everyone is different and what works for me may not work for you :)

  • Author
Posted
Hi All,

 

I'm not saying this site is bad for you. trust me I have gotten a lot out of the posts on here. My ultimate goal is to heal and move on and I just found that filling my mind with hear break and grief wasnt helping me heal. It was however helping me find new ways that he broke my heart. All I'm saying is that a break from heart broken people may be good for you...it was for me at least...But everyone is different and what works for me may not work for you :)

 

You know what they say, misery loves company and we love reading **** about people and their worst stories, makes us all feel better though in truth everyone's stories hurt as much to themselves.

 

As for you keeping away from this site, we'll see about that.

 

You are so right lol. I highly doubt I will keep away from this site how else will you all find out if I ever get through my process lol.

Posted

Taylor,

 

I know what you are communicating and it a valid perspective because you "know yourself". That is the key!

 

Many posters do not and, in reading about other persons experiences they often look for similarities, first in the overall situation, then compare the posters EX to their EX, and lastly themselves with the POSTER who is our co-friend here on LS. It's a normal discovery process.

 

I'm willing to bet you have done some of this yourself and perhaps on more than once occasion or a variety of posts, learned from others by comparing one, two or even all three of these characteristics.

 

Eventually, through plenty of searching, you learned one IMPORTANT LESSON or TEACHING: that is, despite all the similarities no two break-ups are the same. They can be similar but they cannot be the same because of the uniqueness of the persons involved.

 

No that you grasp this point, you're right, it may be time for you to step away from us for awhile and develop whatever it is you have learned about yourself in "knowing yourself". Make sense?\

 

Thank you for bringing your thoughts forward; I hope you'll check in with us and let us know how your doing from time to time.

 

Best of luck...

 

 

You are so right lol. I highly doubt I will keep away from this site how else will you all find out if I ever get through my process lol.
  • Like 2
Posted

First, you didn't have to post your whole story to justify why you came on LS in the first place. We are all here to share our experiences and seek advice from others who are going through the same situation.

 

I actually gained a lot of insight into break up and the break up stages which has helped me acknowledge what I am going through and monitor my progress. The advice on here is priceless. I don't think that I would have progressed as quickly if it wasn't for other peoples advice and support on here. I honestly never even heard of NC/NC rules before coming to this site! . My friends were/are sick of hearing about my ex and how I am not over it. And frankly, I was sick of hearing their mundane advice such as, "you need to get past this", "you'll find someone else" or "she wasn't good for you". Their advice just didn't my situation at help at all.

 

I do spend a lot of time on here but when I think of what I would of been doing alternatively - checking my messages every 5 minutes, tempted to reach out to my ex, crying etc - I think being on here and posting, venting, seeking advice is more progressive.

 

There is a balance though. Once you feel that you are on your way to healing, maybe other people's sad stories will bring you down. You don't need to be on here forever, just take what you need and move on. (and give some back too!)

 

It really depends on where you are at in the grieving process. It doesn't seem in your story that you were in a committed relationship with this person. So, possibly you weren't that attached and did not go through the shock stage or depression. So for you, this site maybe toxic somewhat.

 

I have been through a lot of heartache and at this point, nothing anyone can say on here will be toxic to me. Instead, I feel empathy and through that I can put my previous relationship into perspective and face reality head on. Some people on here are bitter, (and I am probably one of them), but you have to expect that on here...I mean most of these people are going through a most difficult time in their lives. I don't expect anyone on here to be peachy and reflect rays of sunshine at me.

 

People on here have helped me understand what happened and even why it happened. It have been part of my healing process and without other support, I feel I would still be stuck in the first initial stages of grieving. The most important thing is to really listen to other peoples advice, even if you don't like what your hearing.

 

I am not going to be on here forever, but for right now, its been serving me well. I even got recommendations on some self-help books on here that are amazing and so helpful to my situation.

  • Like 6
Posted

Hello Destroyed,

 

I believe we agree in that when you "know yourself" you'll know when it's time to move off of LS for sometime.

 

You did however make an excellent point: that is "give back" advice as each of us learn more of the humanistic side of ourselves, out EX's and others.

 

 

 

 

I am not going to be on here forever, but for right now, its been serving me well. I even got recommendations on some self-help books on here that are amazing and so helpful to my situation.

  • Like 2
Posted

Ok, i do think the original post has a bit of a smug tone to it (sorry Taylor) but i agree with what she's saying. Once we have gained the support and clarity were looking for, posting can in turn become rumination, rehash and nursing old wounds more than turning new thoughts and lessons embraced, into action.

 

(i over think things too much naturally anyway so i understand the tendency to overuse the site and probably still will once i'm not hung up on anyone anymore because it's interesting; anonymous souls bared, but to a point i guess...)

  • Like 2
Posted
I honestly never even heard of NC/NC rules before coming to this site!

 

I hadn't either.

 

I find this site extremely helpful. It's comforting to see others going through the same thing - my breakup was so abrupt - blindsided, very different from every otherbreakup I've had. My experience with breakups was a long slow death that both parties were aware of. Before I found this site I was just stunned to think somebody can leave you so abruptly just like that, and was starting to think my ex might have some serious mental issues, lol. It was extremely helpful to see that abrupt breakups aren't uncommon.

 

And also helpful to see other people having the same crazy thoughts.

 

Now I will absolutely agree that when I am in a certain mood, I get on here and being surrounded by broken hearts and misery can be too much for me. I'll start replying and I can't keep up with what seems at the time to be neverending new posts of misery and pain, and start feeling overwhelmed with it. So I log out! lol. But that's only on certain days when I'm in a certain mood. And by the next day I'm fresh and ready to hear and learn from other people's thoughts and views on breakups again :)

 

LoveShack has definitely been key in keeping me sane through this breakup!

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

 

Now I will absolutely agree that when I am in a certain mood, I get on here and being surrounded by broken hearts and misery can be too much for me. I'll start replying and I can't keep up with what seems at the time to be neverending new posts of misery and pain, and start feeling overwhelmed with it. So I log out! lol. But that's only on certain days when I'm in a certain mood. And by the next day I'm fresh and ready to hear and learn from other people's thoughts and views on breakups again :)

 

LoveShack has definitely been key in keeping me sane through this breakup!

 

This is exactly what I was trying to say. By no means do I think LoveShack is toxic, I have learned so much from this site and its posters. In fact I found so much comfort in this site that I spent most of my free time browsing post. But I wasn't putting any of that advice into action because I was constantly on here trying to learn all I could to get through this process. But sometimes we need to walk away to take the information we learned on here and put it into practice... Again I do realize everyone is different so I dont want you to think my way is the only way, I just wrote this post incase there is someone out there in my situation that may need to hear that living life off Love Shack wont stop your progress if your willing to put in the work

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Ok, i do think the original post has a bit of a smug tone to it (sorry Taylor) but i agree with what she's saying. Once we have gained the support and clarity were looking for, posting can in turn become rumination, rehash and nursing old wounds more than turning new thoughts and lessons embraced, into action.

 

(i over think things too much naturally anyway so i understand the tendency to overuse the site and probably still will once i'm not hung up on anyone anymore because it's interesting; anonymous souls bared, but to a point i guess...)

 

Sorry the smugness wasn't intentional I had just had a moment of clarity and figure I share it with the community...I was trying to get across excitement but thats why I'm a engineer...I suck a writing lol

Posted

It's funny, because I actually had the exact opposite thought last night. I wondered how people got through their breakups before the internet and sites like this (I actually went through breakups before anyone really used the internet, so I actually do know it's possible). But this site has been so important to me during this breakup because there is nobody in my real life who is feeling what I am feeling right this exact minute. And that's a lonely feeling. But I come here and realize I'm actually not alone at all, there are a lot of nice and caring people out there who are hurting as much as I am. And not that I'm glad that others are hurting, but I'm glad we can all understand each other right now better than anyone else can. To feel that empathy and understanding is pretty great. And to feel that maybe you've helped someone else, even just a tiny bit or even for just a moment, also is pretty great.

  • Like 5
Posted

Yeah, this ^^^^^

  • Like 1
Posted

Also, I am kinda selective about what I read and process. There are certain posters I have no interest in hearing from... Seems like some just don't get it and actually make things worse...

 

And, when I see that the OP is very young (under 25) I usually skip these as well. I know in heartbreak, we're all on an even playing field, it's just that I can't really relate to those so new to the game. Me being a senior and all (41 :D)

  • Like 1
Posted
Me being a senior and all (41 :D)

 

Haha, I sometimes feel like a senior here too (also 41).

Posted

I've posted alot as unlike majority of people on here, I've never been contacted by the ex that brought me here. Also The common bizarre behavior by dumpers. And the double standards that they're allowed to be Aholes and gloat and/ or contact us without being called crazy and pyscho.

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