HateThisLimbo Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) Okay...I've read down through a lot of the posts and they have helped but I am still not quite sure what to do. My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. We had been dating for two years, lived together for the last year. We are both in our 40's. I was widowed three years ago after twenty five years of a happy marriage and he has been divorced for 13 years after a four year marriage. He swept me off of my feet. We basically did everything together, traveled, nice dinners, just everything. He told me that I was everything that he ever wanted and that I was the love of his life. Always treated me well and told me how happy he was. Our kids got along great...everything was good. He has a vacation house and talked about us moving down there in four or five years when the kids were out of college. He talked about when we have grand kids. He talked about the rest of our lives, including marriage. About six months ago, I noticed a slight strain between us and brought it up. He reassured me that he just had a lot going on. I did also...I had bought a new house after my husband was killed in an accident and rented out my old house. So I had to go through all of our belongings, etc. Our holidays were a little rough... his kids went to their maternal grandparents. My family only came briefly because they had other places to go too. He owns his own business and had some stress related to that. But none of the strain, I felt was related to our relationship...just situational. We had a healthy sex life. I still felt like we were strong and in it for the long hall. But in January, I asked again a few times if everything was okay. He said that he was struggling a little. I did not at all take it like he was going to break up. Life was pretty normal. But, one day, after having sex then taking a nap, we started to talk and he said that we needed to take a break. He made it sound like it was gonna be for a month and then we would re evaluate where things were at. Two weeks later he came and got his clothes and toiletries. I tried giving him his space though I didn't do a great job at it...but basically he just cut me off completely. I sent him a few messages and went to his office a few times just because I couldn't stand it. We he initially left, I had no idea that there would be no contact. He did not give me any indication at all. He just said that he had a lot on his plate and just did not have energy for us. Recently, he has called and txtd a few times. I have too. We've spent time together three times in the last three weeks at my suggestion. When we are together it feels like everything is fine. He says that he misses me, seems happy, and, yes, have great sex. Each time, he leads me to believe that we are going to take things slow and there is a possibility of us getting back together. But then I don't hear from him for several days. His furniture is still at my house. I have stuff at his office and vacation house, etc. To me, it feels like two years since he moved out. He never lied or cheated. He says that he has so much on his plate that it only feels like two days. It's just like he turned off a switch. And that's what I'm having such a hard time with. I did not see it coming at all and I can't comprehend how he can be head over heals with me and then all of the sudden not? To me when you love someone, it's unconditional. No relationship is perfect. There are always ups and downs...but you work through them together which is what I thought we were doing. After reading the posts on here, I clearly should have handled him leaving differently. Didn't really beg but basically laid it all out there and kept trying to have contact. I have never heard anything about this no contact rule! AND, forgot to mention, that we both agreed not to see other people until we figured things out. So...now I'm to the point that, okay, I can do no contact if that's what he wants. Prior to the break up, we had some trips planned (thru June). Again, his furniture is still at my house, pictures of us are still up all over the house... My heart is telling me that it's going to work out but I am really starting to question it. Should I wait it out or move on? Edited August 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add paragraphs
geegirl Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) What's the timeline for this "thinking" period that you both are on? Or is it on his terms as to him coming and going as he pleases until he decides to choose you? Edited August 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author HateThisLimbo Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Ok...will do so. Timeline was originally supposed to be a month or so then re-evaluate. It's now all in his control...how long and when and if he comes back.
geegirl Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 (edited) If you have both agreed on a month to give each other space to think about whether the relationship is right for the BOTH of you, then use that time to evaluate. But this is on his terms. I don't believe what he is doing is fair to you and judging from what you posted, I have a feeling that he can't tell you what he truly feels due to the guilt of hurting you. I think he is stalling. It's pretty simple, actually. When someone wants to be with you, they don't block every which way to get to you with excuses. When someone isn't so sure about whether they want you in their life, and that's already a downhill slope, they start to prioritize everything else in their lives except being with you. You have to take control of the situation and seek a decision from him, if you can't make it for yourself. I think deep down you already know the answer. And if he is struggling with commitment issues rather than his uncertainty when it comes to his feelings for you, then that is something you cannot fix or control until he figures out why he does what he does. In that sense, you still have to let him go. Edited April 5, 2013 by geegirl
Author HateThisLimbo Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Yep...you nailed it. It's just hard to wrap my brain around it when I was in a happy marriage for 25 yrs and never had to deal with these kinds of issues. It's a whole new world that I have to learn to live in
geegirl Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Yep...you nailed it. It's just hard to wrap my brain around it when I was in a happy marriage for 25 yrs and never had to deal with these kinds of issues. It's a whole new world that I have to learn to live in I understand. Granted I only had a serious relationship for 6 years before I met my ex-husband, which then ended in divorce after 7 years, getting out there and dealing with the emotional issues of those following, was quite a difficult to grasp. Both exs were emotionally available and committed so I could not grasp the likes of commitment phobic men, emotionally unavailable men, etc. It was alien to me. But looking back at your marriage, it was happy and it was reciprocal in that you both were moving towards the same things and having the same values. And that is how it should be. If it becomes a push and pull to get someone to be with you, you most likely know deep down it's just not how it's supposed to be because you've been in a healthy, loving relationship before.
Author HateThisLimbo Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 Well...I'm trying the NC thing. Wish that I would have all along but didn't stumble onto this web site until a few weeks ago. It's as good as therapy! NC for five days and he txtd me yesterday for something irrelevant. I was neither her nor there with him...short answers, no questions. And he had the nerve to say that it seemed like I was being short with him. WTH! Tired of the breadcrumbs!
Author HateThisLimbo Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Still NC but did hear that he had told a mutual friend that we were still going on a previously planned couples trip in June...news to me! Also, apparently, his MO is hot, cold, done. Has done it to every person that he's ever dated. Also news to me... wish someone would have filled me in ahead of time and saved me the heartache! The good news is, I'm feeling stronger and better everyday.
swiftly333 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I think other posters are right that this situation isnt fair to you, and I think you should tell him that. Maybe tell him that this is too hard for you, that he needs to get his stuff and you need to get your stuff so that you can start to move on if that's what is necessary. I think it's fair to say that while he is unsure you need to start living your own life. You can't spend you time waiting for him to figure out what he wants, especially when it kinds sounds like he's ultimately going to decide he doesn't want to be in the relationship.... (just a guess. sounds like he's not feeling it but doesn't want to let you go, which isn't fair to you at all). tell him you are moving forward with your life regardless, and if he figures out what he wants he can let you know and you can decide what you BOTH want. Not just what he wants. Living with someone really makes it a lot harder. I lived with someone for a year of unhappiness because it was too hard to leave. I think making him move out completely makes it easier on both of you to figure out what you want. Also, take down the pictures, it will only help keep you stuck
Author HateThisLimbo Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Funny...I just took them all down before I read this post (except for 1 or 2)
Author HateThisLimbo Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 (edited) Have not done well with no contact lately. Have been falling right into the breadcrumbs. We haven't been on a date since the end of April but have run into each other several times all of which were very difficult to keep my composure. He would txt me afterward which I would immediately respond to...one as recently as the 4th of July in which I spilled my guts again saying that the cut was just as deep now as it was the day that he left. Then, of course, would get no reply. The latest run ins have been at restaurants. We ran around with 10 couples. The first run in was when I went to dinner with a few of those wives. He came in with a gal half his age and sat just a few seats away. I did not make eye contact and walked right past when I was leaving without looking at him or saying goodbye. The second run in was just yesterday. I went to lunch with another one of our friends. He was there by himself. I was running a little late. She said that he came over to the table to say Hello and she told him that she was having lunch with me. I saw him sitting at his table when I walked in, didn't make eye contact again, and went right over and sat down with our friend. About five minutes later, he came over to say hello as he was leaving. I was cordial but kind of neither here nor there. Later, I got a txt from him saying that he "feels like I should be nicer" and that I had been rude. I did not reply. What the hell does he want from me. I'm trying to get over him but every time I'm feeling strong and good again, this happens and knocks me right back to square one! I seriously need some help. It's been seven months since he moved out and three months since I've been trying my best to cut off contact. Edited August 2, 2013 by HateThisLimbo misspell
salem mark Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 he said he needed space, you have to forget him and go NC, he initiated the break, he has to initiate coming back (if he ever does) it stinks, this it how it works, sorry
Author HateThisLimbo Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 I know. I wish that I had someone to tell me that once an hour. This is just KILLER!
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