Yellowteacup Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 After 4 months of a topsy-turvy EA and PA, I ended it after he hooked up again with an old ex with "less baggage". I knew this A was doomed from the start and like a dummy I continued it. I even had made tentative plans to leave my husband and find my own place. I thought that was what he wanted. To be in a serious long term relationship. Lots of ILY and miss yous. Lies apparently. However, he beat me to the punch by finally admitting it via email about seeing someone else and how he was lonely in his bed, etc. I am the biggest fool. OM and I were friends who flirted for several years during my single days. And he wanted to continue our friendship but not in a FWB way since he has the new girl. I came clean with my husband and admitted to everything. We did not sleep at all last night and I can barely keep my eyes open at work. I sent an email this morning explaining to the OM about what I had done and that there will be no calls, texts, FB messages, etc. of any kind. Done. Now begins the process of rebuilding our marriage. 10
underwater2010 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Kudos to you. Not only did you understand that your OM had moved on, but you have taken the step of talking with your husband. Did you tell him everything? It is SO important that you DO NOT leave anything out. I wish you the best of luck and hope that your husband is as forgiving as some of us are. 2
Cali408 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 WHAT????? I'm sorry for you and your family. I hope it works out. You have been realistic all along and are smart to completely break it off. I hope it won't be too hard, but just like you when your buddies with someone for several years, it's a lot harder. Best of luck dear! Remember never leave someone for someone else. Leave someone because you can't be married to your spouse. Then, have someone else. 4
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 WHAT????? I'm sorry for you and your family. I hope it works out. You have been realistic all along and are smart to completely break it off. I hope it won't be too hard, but just like you when your buddies with someone for several years, it's a lot harder. Best of luck dear! Remember never leave someone for someone else. Leave someone because you can't be married to your spouse. Then, have someone else. Was just going to say this, bolded part. Good that you told your H the truth, this way he can decide if he wants to stay married to you and give you another chance, work things out and for you to earn his trust again. If you truly love him and want to stay married, then do all that you can to prove to him that you're worthy of a second chance, to earn his faith, love and trust again. BE total open book. Allow him access to all your email accounts, cell phone(s), and DO let him if the OM contacts you or if you slip and break contact with the OM. Do counseling on your own so you can figure out why you let another man close to you emotionally and physically. Do counseling as well with your husband. Your marriage is fixable if it's what you both want. Just will take a lot of hard work, 100% effort for both of you to fix things. 3
georgia girl Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Best of luck to you. Good that you were honest with husband and good that you see the OM for the cheating idiot that he is. Both you and your husband need to decide individually and together if you want to save your marriage. If you do, decide you want to save it with your whole heart. Less than that just won't work. Sorry for your pain but best of luck for a brighter future. 2
Lillyfree Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 After 4 months of a topsy-turvy EA and PA, I ended it after he hooked up again with an old ex with "less baggage". I knew this A was doomed from the start and like a dummy I continued it. I even had made tentative plans to leave my husband and find my own place. I thought that was what he wanted. To be in a serious long term relationship. Lots of ILY and miss yous. Lies apparently. However, he beat me to the punch by finally admitting it via email about seeing someone else and how he was lonely in his bed, etc. I am the biggest fool. OM and I were friends who flirted for several years during my single days. And he wanted to continue our friendship but not in a FWB way since he has the new girl. I came clean with my husband and admitted to everything. We did not sleep at all last night and I can barely keep my eyes open at work. I sent an email this morning explaining to the OM about what I had done and that there will be no calls, texts, FB messages, etc. of any kind. Done. Now begins the process of rebuilding our marriage. all affairs are doomed from the start. i view my time in A-land as the 'insanity period'. as i wasn't myself, i wasn't rational and logical - looking back that's necessary in order to keep going. if your brain was functioning properly you wouldn't end up in an affair to start with. i too ended my A and told my husband everything. we are still working on rebuilding our marriage. my advice would be to take it slow, be patient. damage done to your R will not be erased overnight as it wasn't created overnight. and most of all, be honest with yourself. i will try to say this as gently as i can, and i apologise if it seems mean because it's really not meant to be: you said in your OP that you ended it... however it seems that you've ended contact but it was OM that actually ended the affair. you were ready to leave your husband for him. are you sure that you're going back to your H because you want HIM? it would be very unfair to him to try and R only because you now don't have a choice. 2
veryhappy Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 all affairs are doomed from the start. i view my time in A-land as the 'insanity period'. as i wasn't myself, i wasn't rational and logical - looking back that's necessary in order to keep going. if your brain was functioning properly you wouldn't end up in an affair to start with. All affairs are not doomed from the start. Most affairs are temporary living creatures with very little becoming real relationships. What did you think you were signing up for? Aren't you scared to realize you have long term insanity spells? It would scare the **** out of me. How do you trust that your brain is working correctly now? Of course you bought into the whole fog, temporary insanity school of thought. Easier path to reconciling. Much more difficult to accept who you are.
jlola Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Aren't you scared to realize you have long term insanity spells? It would scare the **** out of me. How do you trust that your brain is working correctly now? Of course you bought into the whole fog, temporary insanity school of thought. Easier path to reconciling. Much more difficult to accept who you are. Interesting observation. I often wonder about people who claim to be "temporarily insane" during an affair, yet it lasted for years. also the people ho can carry on an affair for years,deceive and lie with a straight face to the spouse for the duration. Then the other end are the ones who cannot take the guilt and confess soon after.
Lillyfree Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 All affairs are not doomed from the start. Most affairs are temporary living creatures with very little becoming real relationships. What did you think you were signing up for? Aren't you scared to realize you have long term insanity spells? It would scare the **** out of me. How do you trust that your brain is working correctly now? Of course you bought into the whole fog, temporary insanity school of thought. Easier path to reconciling. Much more difficult to accept who you are. k... not quite sure which nerve i've hit there, so i apologise if my post has rattled you in any way. when i said all affairs are doomed from the start, i meant that they either become primary relationships or they end. affair as a form of relationship in my opinion isn't sustainable long term. i'm in no way blaming what i've done on the fog and insanity, and don't consider myself absolved. poor boundaries, cowardice, selfishness are what were the catalyst - the insanity was mostly caused by the affair dynamic and rationalising. i had to process multiple issues leading up, during and after my A. and the best way i could explain it to myself IS temporary insanity. how do i know i'm ok now? because i've lived for 37 years thinking and acting a certain way regarding infidelity. then i had a year where it was all turned on its head - and now i'm getting back to where i was before. my brain might not working properly in comparison to others, but i believe i'm getting back to MY normality.
Author Yellowteacup Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 I found out through a mutual friend he was bad mouthing me. Of course, I got more information than what I wanted to read. All those good feelings I felt for him are dissipating quite rapidly... 1
So happy together Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 k... not quite sure which nerve i've hit there, so i apologise if my post has rattled you in any way. when i said all affairs are doomed from the start, i meant that they either become primary relationships or they end. affair as a form of relationship in my opinion isn't sustainable long term. i'm in no way blaming what i've done on the fog and insanity, and don't consider myself absolved. poor boundaries, cowardice, selfishness are what were the catalyst - the insanity was mostly caused by the affair dynamic and rationalising. i had to process multiple issues leading up, during and after my A. and the best way i could explain it to myself IS temporary insanity. how do i know i'm ok now? because i've lived for 37 years thinking and acting a certain way regarding infidelity. then i had a year where it was all turned on its head - and now i'm getting back to where i was before. my brain might not working properly in comparison to others, but i believe i'm getting back to MY normality. I'm pretty sure you hit a nerve when you said all affairs are doomed. And I don't think people in affairs are temporarily insane, either. I also see people stay in affairs for YEARS. So really, it seems that pretty much all you said is a fallacy. It may be true for you, but not for everyone.
Lillyfree Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 I'm pretty sure you hit a nerve when you said all affairs are doomed. And I don't think people in affairs are temporarily insane, either. I also see people stay in affairs for YEARS. So really, it seems that pretty much all you said is a fallacy. It may be true for you, but not for everyone. well, i can only go on what i know - i am not able to know what everyone does and thinks. i WAS talking from my point of view and said that it was my opinion. an affair lasting YEARS is still doomed, as it's not forever. if you read my post, you will see that i didn't say relationship between APs is doomed, but that affair as a form of relationship is.
AbeNormal Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) I found out through a mutual friend he was bad mouthing me. Of course, I got more information than what I wanted to read. All those good feelings I felt for him are dissipating quite rapidly... My guess is that your husband's feelings will follow suit... (Particularly when he finds out the truth, rather than your "internet pseudo truth"...) Edited April 8, 2013 by AbeNormal
dichotomy Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 (edited) You had decided to leave your husband, to be with OM. Done deal, your husband was not for you. Time to leave him. But then you decided to return to your husband after OM was cheating on you -NOT because you realized your husband was the man for you, the love of your life, and that you suddenly made a mistake - but rather was the default choice after OM would not be faithful to you? Is this fair to you or your husband. Or am I missing more about your feelings?. By the way any man willing to cheat with you - has a highly likely hood of cheating on you. Anyone who does not respect marriage (inside or out), does not respect commitments and marriage period. Edited April 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Holyoak Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Now begins the process of rebuilding our marriage. Sure about that???
Bryanp Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 If the roles were reversed would you want to rebuild with your husband? You and your husband both need to be tested for STD's. Why would your husband wish to continue the marriage after what you have done?
Artie Lang Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 what bothers me is the fact that you ended it only because he was bangin' some other chick. it didn't end out of your own volition. you ended it because he was cheating on you. i mean..... you were ready to leave your husband for this POS. doesn't sound very sincere to me. looks like your husband was the back-up plan. you should really get to the bottom of "why" you cheated in the first place, or you're bound to end up in the same predicament later on. i hope you included intentions on leaving to your husband. he should have ALL the facts before he even thinks about working things out with you. 1
Turtles Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Ok, I missed the part about her wanting to leave her husband until she found out the OM was "cheating" on her (as if they had a commitment to each other:rolleyes:) So I change my mind. Yellow, just set your husband free from you. You are staying with him only because his is 2nd fiddle. He deserves better. That's over simplifying. Everything is always relative to something else. Every relationship has downswings and most people would at least briefly consider the possibility of leaving. Like most people might briefly consider the possibility of suicide but not act on it. It maintains the illusion of free will. And you don't condemn someone for fantasizing about a crime. If she had been serious about leaving she would have done it. OM was not cheating on her anyway, he simply realized Yellow had no real interest in making it a full relationship, and lead her to realize that too, so, kudos to him. And she did come clean to her husband, even though she didn't have to - she does not have to give him the play by play either. Good luck Yellow, wish you the best!
CantgetoveritNY Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Quote: Originally Posted by Yellowteacup I continued it. I even had made tentative plans to leave my husband and find my own place. I thought that was what he wanted. To be in a serious long term relationship. Lots of ILY and miss yous. Lies apparently. However, he beat me to the punch by I came clean with my husband and admitted to everything You told him everything? Really? Even that the only reason that you are back with your H is that you were not good enough to land the OM? So tell us, why would you want to be with a man that would accept you back after what you did and knowing that you would rather be with OM but OM found some one more to his liking? I think maybe you did not tell your H or you would not be reconciling.
Darren Steez Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 Will leave out the I was going to leave you part.. 1
Charlie Harper Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 In my view you should have searched deep in your heart you you had the A first and the reason that lead to it. You see nobody wakes up one morning and thinks " ummm I am going to bang the first nice person I find"... all instances of A, have a long history of problems in your current relationship, Emotional ones, if you dont work on them, the possibility of an A grows. After you shot down the A you should have searched why you want to go back and rebuild your relationship with your H, but guilt is a nasty creature and you have spilled the beans.... basically you have torpedoed your marriage. DID HE REALLY HAD TO KNOW NOW!!! I would advise consoling and getting tested asap for STD, if you dont have any you can wait to come clean with him when the problems that made get into the A have been worked out, not now.....anyways good luck..he is going to be really pissed... and may break up the R.... so play nice and put up with all his depression-temper-deception. Hope you can save it.
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