Is she honest? You decide...

[FLBuccaneer]

OK I need some advice and appreciate ANY help you can provide.

 

Here is the breakdown...I've been dating a girl since September 2012. From the very start, we were infatuated with each other and couldn't stop communicating. We met at work and started running after work and going for coffee runs during the day. After about a month of hanging out, I found out she was engaged and she "inadvertently" sent me a text saying "I take it off when we go to the gym, runs, etc..." which was meant for a friend and sent to me mistakenly. I questioned and found out she in fact was engaged. She assured me they had no plans and things were ending between them. I stopped seeing her but only lasted for about a week because I was already way too into her to not. I was in a 4 year relationship that was going nowhere and broke things off about 2 weeks before I hung out with the girl from work.

 

She ended things about a month later, moved into her own place and things were great and we spent every day together. Things were amazing and we were in love. I attended a wedding and my ex was there...seeing her confused me and made me feel scared and unsure I made the right decision, so I asked for some space in my current relationship to sort through my thoughts on my own. So for 3 weeks things ended.

 

We got back together and seemed to pick up right where we left off. Seeing each other and we were inseparable. Then I started discovering things I want to know if I should be concerned with or not...

 

1) I gave her a key to my house...she never has given me one yet.

2) We had a double date with her brother & wife...it was my first time meeting him and an old friend of hers walked into the bar, she went over to him and started kissing his cheeks and a little on the neck. We were drunk at tha point but no excuse, I was very alarmed.

3) I found out during the "space", she attended a concert with her ex fiance and lied to me when I asked who she went with...it took me asking 3 times to finally admit.

4) Here phone was left in my car while she ran inside, I heard it vibrating so I looked and found she went on 2 lunch dates with two guys and never told me.

5) Facebook...I made mention why were not connected after 5 months she just ignores me. I actually sent a friend request and it sat for 5 days before she just accepted it.

6) When we first started talking, she was engaged and still was seeing me and never told me until after a month or so.

 

Lately, I noticed things have been off and her enthusiasm and love seem to have lessened. I asked her what's wrong and she doesn't convey much. Then after a week of not knowing what the hell is going on with her, she finally admitted to contacting her ex (to arrange how to give him pictures form her computer) who gave her some strong words about the situation and she said she's just being introspective, saying to me "stay with me...". It's driving me crazy that things have changed so quickly and I want it to go back to the way it ways where we seemed to not care about anything but each other. I'm getting paranoid that the rug may be pulled out from underneath me at any moment...am I being realistic? This has caused me to hold back and not love her the way I wan to.

 

Should I be concerned that she is not willing to completely open herself up to me? Or is there anything else that may be some cause for concern?

Edited April 3, 2013 by FLBuccaneer

[StarsOnFire]

It doesn't sound like either of you are ready for the relationship. And do I even have to bring up the fact that she lied to you about being engaged? Honestly, if I were you, my trust would already be shot with her. And it sounds like you're seeing it is b/c you've looked at her phone, you're wary about her facebook and she lied about hanging out with her ex.

 

To answer your question, yes I would be concerned if I were you in this relationship. Good luck!

[TaraMaiden]

OK I need some advice and appreciate ANY help you can provide.

 

Here is the breakdown...I've been dating a girl since September 2012. From the very start, we were infatuated with each other and couldn't stop communicating. We met at work and started running after work and going for coffee runs during the day. After about a month of hanging out, I found out she was engaged and she "inadvertently" sent me a text saying "I take it off when we go to the gym, runs, etc..." which was meant for a friend and sent to me mistakenly. I questioned and found out she in fact was engaged. She assured me they had no plans and things were ending between them. I stopped seeing her but only lasted for about a week because I was already way too into her to not. I was in a 4 year relationship that was going nowhere and broke things off about 2 weeks before I hung out with the girl from work.

 

She ended things about a month later, moved into her own place and things were great and we spent every day together. Things were amazing and we were in love. I attended a wedding and my ex was there...seeing her confused me and made me feel scared and unsure I made the right decision, so I asked for some space in my current relationship to sort through my thoughts on my own. So for 3 weeks things ended.

 

We got back together and seemed to pick up right where we left off. Seeing each other and we were inseparable. Then I started discovering things I want to know if I should be concerned with or not...

 

1) I gave her a key to my house...she never has given me one yet.

2) We had a double date with her brother & wife...it was my first time meeting him and an old friend of hers walked into the bar, she went over to him and started kissing his cheeks and a little on the neck. We were drunk at tha point but no excuse, I was very alarmed.

3) I found out during the "space", she attended a concert with her ex fiance and lied to me when I asked who she went with...it took me asking 3 times to finally admit.

4) Here phone was left in my car while she ran inside, I heard it vibrating so I looked and found she went on 2 lunch dates with two guys and never told me.

5) Facebook...I made mention why were not connected after 5 months she just ignores me. I actually sent a friend request and it sat for 5 days before she just accepted it.

6) When we first started talking, she was engaged and still was seeing me and never told me until after a month or so.

 

Lately, I noticed things have been off and her enthusiasm and love seem to have lessened. I asked her what's wrong and she doesn't convey much. Then after a week of not knowing what the hell is going on with her, she finally admitted to contacting her ex (to arrange how to give him pictures form her computer) who gave her some strong words about the situation and she said she's just being introspective, saying to me "stay with me...". It's driving me crazy that things have changed so quickly and I want it to go back to the way it ways where we seemed to not care about anything but each other. I'm getting paranoid that the rug may be pulled out from underneath me at any moment...am I being realistic? This has caused me to hold back and not love her the way I wan to.

 

Should I be concerned that she is not willing to completely open herself up to me? Or is there anything else that may be some cause for concern?

 

OK:

 

Face it:

The Honeymoon period is over, she's having second thought.

The excitement has waned, and things are becoming hum-drum.

The initial spark is gone, and the frisson has settled down into a

Her ex- is trying to woo her back - and you have begun to "hold back and not love her the way I wan to".

 

If I were you, I'd be seriously looking at the definite possibility of being single again fairly soon.

 

If she will cheat for you - she will cheat on you.

 

And if I'm honest, sorry, but - I don't believe you when you say you broke off from the 4-year-relationship before you began to hang out with this girl.

 

I actually believe you guys slept together - then broke off your respective relationships.....

 

At the risk of getting it wrong, if you both decided to end it BEFORE you 'did' anything together - then trust me, you guys are about as rare as rocking-horse schytt....

[FLBuccaneer]

Thank you for your replies everyone. This is helping me already...I just have a couple more questions.

 

Do you think she is holding back and closing up due to her ex contacting her trying to "woo" her back? She swears it's just her thinking and she called herself a thinker and is analyzing her mistakes. She was teary saying how terrible she feels for talking to me while still with him because "that's not who I am". I really want to believe this is the case because I'm truly in love with this woman.

 

- We hang out every weekday and weekend. She just brought me over to her parents house to meet them and is basically living at my house, coming home from work and leaving from there everyday. She tells me she wants to marry me and have children together. I ask her why don't you move in and she says she doesn't feel 100% secure in this relationship lately because I keep bringing up the same concerns and I'm not giving her a chance to show me.

 

I feel very insecure at the moment and the thought of losing her scares me because for once, I completely let my guard down and have given her my world while in return, I feel like there are certain areas that I'm being left out of hers.

 

Am I just delaying the inevitable?

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you for your replies everyone. This is helping me already...I just have a couple more questions.

 

Do you think she is holding back and closing up due to her ex contacting her trying to "woo" her back? She swears it's just her thinking and she called herself a thinker and is analyzing her mistakes. She was teary saying how terrible she feels for talking to me while still with him because "that's not who I am". I really want to believe this is the case because I'm truly in love with this woman.

 

- We hang out every weekday and weekend. She just brought me over to her parents house to meet them and is basically living at my house, coming home from work and leaving from there everyday. She tells me she wants to marry me and have children together. I ask her why don't you move in and she says she doesn't feel 100% secure in this relationship lately because I keep bringing up the same concerns and I'm not giving her a chance to show me.

 

I feel very insecure at the moment and the thought of losing her scares me because for once, I completely let my guard down and have given her my world while in return, I feel like there are certain areas that I'm being left out of hers.

 

Am I just delaying the inevitable?

Yes.

 

(10 characters).

[ali_g]

Honestly I think any of the things you listed is a huge red flag.

 

Is she honest? Well considering you caught her lying MULTIPLE TIMES.... is there even this kind of question...

 

Just think years down the line,will you want to be with this woman all the way and ALWAYS second guess yourself, if she's lying to you, or going on dates with other guys, etc.?

[greenetree]

This is going to end horribly unless you get out now. How many more red flags do you need?

[FLBuccaneer]

Thank you everyone for you input...I'm blessed to have an outlet to gain insight from others perspective.

 

I guess my confusion stems from her being completely devoted to me, surprising me with mini trips, lunches with notes attached, and everything else you can think of. We are together everyday & night...and she is persistent is wanting it that way. She talks about marriage, kids, etc.

 

Why would someone go through this type of effort if her intentions were different? I'm just feeling so confused and she actually opened up to me last night and says she wants to be completely open from now on and was very loving and when I saw her last evening she couldn't pull away from me.

 

Could things be turning around? I will say, the items I listed above happened early in the relationship and the recent events were her closing up. Obviously I want to believe in love and that this will work because I'm truly in love with this woman...to the core.

[MidwestUSA]

Neither of you had a break from your respective prior relationships before jumping into this, but hey, go for it. Just be prepared for the day when the honeymoon phase is over and the grass elsewhere is looking greener. The girl seems to have a problem with boundaries.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you everyone for you input...I'm blessed to have an outlet to gain insight from others perspective.

 

I guess my confusion stems from her being completely devoted to me, surprising me with mini trips, lunches with notes attached, and everything else you can think of. We are together everyday & night...and she is persistent is wanting it that way. She talks about marriage, kids, etc.

 

Why would someone go through this type of effort if her intentions were different? I'm just feeling so confused and she actually opened up to me last night and says she wants to be completely open from now on and was very loving and when I saw her last evening she couldn't pull away from me.

 

Could things be turning around? I will say, the items I listed above happened early in the relationship and the recent events were her closing up. Obviously I want to believe in love and that this will work because I'm truly in love with this woman...to the core.

Are you actually listening or paying any attention to anything we're telling you??

 

We're not doing this for OUR health you know....

In an abstract kinda way, we're actually doing it for yours!!

 

Dump, go No Contact, delete, deny, drop!!

 

What bit of 'red flags' and 'end horribly' do you actually not get - ?!

[MidwestUSA]

Are you actually listening or paying any attention to anything we're telling you??

 

We're not doing this for OUR health you know....

In an abstract kinda way, we're actually doing it for yours!!

 

Dump, go No Contact, delete, deny, drop!!

 

What bit of 'red flags' and 'end horribly' do you actually not get - ?!

 

It's a second honeymoon, Tara. We'll see him when the tan fades.

[FLBuccaneer]

I understand what you all are doing and I really appreciate the feedback! I am listening very much.

 

It's clear I need to go with my gut and trust my judgement of her. It's disappointing but I certainly do not want to be in a relationship where I'm not trusting of her 100%. Clearly she was in love with the excitement of something new and exciting and maybe not the guy himself, as a person.

[TaraMaiden]

By George, I think he's getting it....

[Imajerk17]

Is this even a real question?

 

OK I need some advice and appreciate ANY help you can provide.

 

Here is the breakdown...I've been dating a girl since September 2012. From the very start, we were infatuated with each other and couldn't stop communicating. We met at work and started running after work and going for coffee runs during the day. After about a month of hanging out, I found out she was engaged and she "inadvertently" sent me a text saying "I take it off when we go to the gym, runs, etc..." which was meant for a friend and sent to me mistakenly. I questioned and found out she in fact was engaged.

 

By the time I got to here I already knew it was going to end well. She is the type of girl who cares about her feelings and who cares about her word. But but for the sake of keeping an open mind I actually decided to keep reading. It actually gets worse....

 

Then I started discovering things I want to know if I should be concerned with or not...

 

1) I gave her a key to my house...she never has given me one yet.

2) We had a double date with her brother & wife...it was my first time meeting him and an old friend of hers walked into the bar, she went over to him and started kissing his cheeks and a little on the neck. We were drunk at tha point but no excuse, I was very alarmed.

3) I found out during the "space", she attended a concert with her ex fiance and lied to me when I asked who she went with...it took me asking 3 times to finally admit.

4) Here phone was left in my car while she ran inside, I heard it vibrating so I looked and found she went on 2 lunch dates with two guys and never told me.

5) Facebook...I made mention why were not connected after 5 months she just ignores me. I actually sent a friend request and it sat for 5 days before she just accepted it.

6) When we first started talking, she was engaged and still was seeing me and never told me until after a month or so.

 

Lately, I noticed things have been off and her enthusiasm and love seem to have lessened. I asked her what's wrong and she doesn't convey much. Then after a week of not knowing what the hell is going on with her, she finally admitted to contacting her ex (to arrange how to give him pictures form her computer) who gave her some strong words about the situation and she said she's just being introspective, saying to me "stay with me...". It's driving me crazy that things have changed so quickly and I want it to go back to the way it ways where we seemed to not care about anything but each other. I'm getting paranoid that the rug may be pulled out from underneath me at any moment...am I being realistic? This has caused me to hold back and not love her the way I wan to.

 

Should I be concerned that she is not willing to completely open herself up to me? Or is there anything else that may be some cause for concern?

 

(Notice that I didn't bold 1), 3), 5), and 6). They're not good but they aren't nearly as bad as 2) and 4). It's OK if she didn't give you a key to her place yet. And she saw her ex when you and she were "on break" so that doesn't count. As for 5), FB can be the devil. As for 6) you already mentioned it. My point is that I actually have an open mind...)

 

I'd say that the rug is indeed about to be pulled from you. And it is better soon than later. How many more red flags do you need? Run for the hillz!

Edited April 4, 2013 by Imajerk17

[truth_seeker]

Your Thread Title - Is She Honest?

 

You Wrote - I found out during the "space", she attended a concert with her ex fiance and lied to me when I asked who she went with...it took me asking 3 times to finally admit.

 

There's your answer.

[FitChick]

It sounds like she just wants to have fun.

[Quiet Storm]

Thank you everyone for you input...I'm blessed to have an outlet to gain insight from others perspective.

 

I guess my confusion stems from her being completely devoted to me, surprising me with mini trips, lunches with notes attached, and everything else you can think of. We are together everyday & night...and she is persistent is wanting it that way. She talks about marriage, kids, etc.

 

Why would someone go through this type of effort if her intentions were different? I'm just feeling so confused and she actually opened up to me last night and says she wants to be completely open from now on and was very loving and when I saw her last evening she couldn't pull away from me.

 

Could things be turning around? I will say, the items I listed above happened early in the relationship and the recent events were her closing up. Obviously I want to believe in love and that this will work because I'm truly in love with this woman...to the core.

 

 

She may truly want all that with you, at the moment. But it sounds as if her feelings may be fleeting.

 

You can love someone with all of your heart, mind and soul, and still decide that they would not make a good partner for you. Don't allow your emotions to cloud your logic.

 

She lies and omits. She is conflict avoider. Those traits show that she will not be make good partner, wife, mother of your kids.

 

She has been conditioned (probably in childhood) to lie & to omit important information because she does not want to deal with any conflicts or confrontations. For people like this, their "default" is to lie whenever faced with an uncomfortable situation. This behavior is not easy to change, especially without therapy and deep introspection. They can't just say, I promise to change, because the behavior is so ingrained. Usually they manage to change for a short time, and then revert back to their "default". It really is a part of their character. It's something you really need to pay attention to, especially if you are thinking about marriage and kids with her.

 

Staying with her will mean that she will be likely lie or conveniently withhold info whenever she is faced with revealing information that she knows that you will not respond well too. It's manipulative and phony, and you deserve better.

[FLBuccaneer]

She may truly want all that with you, at the moment. But it sounds as if her feelings may be fleeting.

 

You can love someone with all of your heart, mind and soul, and still decide that they would not make a good partner for you. Don't allow your emotions to cloud your logic.

 

She lies and omits. She is conflict avoider. Those traits show that she will not be make good partner, wife, mother of your kids.

 

She has been conditioned (probably in childhood) to lie & to omit important information because she does not want to deal with any conflicts or confrontations. For people like this, their "default" is to lie whenever faced with an uncomfortable situation. This behavior is not easy to change, especially without therapy and deep introspection. They can't just say, I promise to change, because the behavior is so ingrained. Usually they manage to change for a short time, and then revert back to their "default". It really is a part of their character. It's something you really need to pay attention to, especially if you are thinking about marriage and kids with her.

 

Staying with her will mean that she will be likely lie or conveniently withhold info whenever she is faced with revealing information that she knows that you will not respond well too. It's manipulative and phony, and you deserve better.

 

This is an amazing response. Do you think it's something I can talk to her about? Or will she get defensive? I've been bringing up my concerns with her everyday for the last 4 days and I sense frustration from her, telling me, let me show you rather than asking me.

 

I can't thank you all enough for providing insight, from an outsiders perspective.

[Quiet Storm]

This is an amazing response. Do you think it's something I can talk to her about? Or will she get defensive? I've been bringing up my concerns with her everyday for the last 4 days and I sense frustration from her, telling me, let me show you rather than asking me.

 

I can't thank you all enough for providing insight, from an outsiders perspective.

 

You can talk to her about it, but don't expect "talks" to change her behavior. As I said, conflict avoiders do not change easily.

 

Give her this link

 

Are You Conflict Avoidant? · Emotional & Stress Management articles | Emotional & Mental Health center | SteadyHealth.com

 

 

Your best bet is to start seeing her for who she is, and not who you want her be. She may not ever change, no matter how many talks you have or how much you love her. If she truly wants to change it will take more than just willpower. Counseling may help her, but she has to really understand that this is a huge problem. She can't minimize it or avoid it, and you have to call her out on her behavior.

 

I think you should think of her as realistically as possible. Tell yourself over and over "She lies, this is who she is, do I really want this kind of person for my wife/ life partner?"

 

These kind of behaviors trickle down to kids in a marriage and it really confuses them. Picture a mom saying "don't tell daddy my new shoes cost $100". "don't tell daddy that you got in trouble in school, it's between us". "don't tell daddy I was on the phone all day". Before you know it your kids are lying to you because their mother's unhealthy coping mechanisms become their model for normal behavior.

Edited April 4, 2013 by Quiet Storm