nicolewest Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) Been in a LDR for a little over a year. We have been together in the same city for a year then he left the country looking for work in his field but still planning on returning. Initially he was supposed to be gone for 3 or 4 months [he swore he would only be gone for that long]. I was so torn about him leaving it affected my eating, I lost 10lbs because I wasnt eating due to stress. Which alone is crazy, because everyone remarks on how much I eat. As the months passed I became very involved in my coursework and other activities but still managed to keep the relationship intact. However, he assumed that asking me the same four questions every time we spoke was enough. 1. How is school? 2. How is your family? 3. Are u watching [some tv show]? 4. What guys are talking to you? Who are you messing around with? The last question got me everytime, I would tell him no one, that he had nothing to worry about. He didnt, I really had blinders for this guy. I told him to stop asking me, but yet he was persistent, asking me weekly. He didnt understand that questioning my love was showing how little he trusted me and therefore ruining our relationship. In December, I told him my feelings changed, he asked me if I was seeing someone else several times no matter how many times I said no. He kept on calling, he said he was jealous. When we spoke in February he said he felt hurt by my lack of communication but didnt want to discuss it until April [after he was done taking an exam]. Which to me is ridiculous because I dont believe you should push away such a conversation especially when anytime he wants to say something he just blurts it out. The same thing happened in August when I wanted to discuss our relationship but he wanted to push back the talk till October and then acted as if my concerns were nonsense. I cant think of building a future with someone who dismisses my concerns and doesnt trust me (These arent the only reasons but they are the biggest). The last time we spoke was March 9th [his birthday] which was also the one year mark of his departure. Edited April 3, 2013 by nicolewest
Cogee Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 You're doing the right thing. Those things you pointed out show that he isn't mature enough for this kind of relationship. Take care in the break up and be totally honest with him. When you find someone else who is willing to trust you the way you wanted you will feel so refreshed. I remember at the start of my LDR with my ex, she was planning to go to a strip club to celebrate her friend's birthday and told me about it beforehand. I got excited when I heard she was going because I knew that the energy she would get from that club would rub off on me the next time I saw her. While she was getting ready to go out to it she texted me and asked if I was OK with her going. I said "of course! have fun, I'll see you tomorrow! I know you will be out late so I'll aim to come late tomorrow!" Let me tell you, the next day she was so happy and she really showed it to me. She also released all of that energy on me making it into quite a day (apparently a sex record for her). In her last relationship, the guy didn't have that level of trust with her. What I did let her actually go out unhindered and have a great time with her friends because she knew trust wasn't an issue at all. The same thing happened later in our relationship when I trusted her to go alone with some friends camping rather than spend time with me. She told me her friends were quite jealous of me being so good to her (as their partners were not so trusting). When you find someone who trusts you, you will feel enriched and alive.
Author nicolewest Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Thanks. I dont think he understands how to trust since he has been cheated on before. However, that does not excuse the constant questioning or disbelief of my faithfulness. The only reason I'm waiting till Sunday is because his exam is on Saturday.
Author nicolewest Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 so its done. He asked me a few times if I was sure. Wondered why I didnt do this in person [he has said he is coming back next month but has no idea when]. I wasn't going to pretend for a month. When he asked why, i mentioned him not trusting me he said "trust is earned over time". After 2 years if u don't trust me and can only admit to "really liking me" i cant build a future with that. So NC has begun.
Cogee Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Good to hear you went through with it. You can also leave this relationship knowing that he knows full well the reason why it ended. You have given him all that he needs in order to improve himself and learn to trust again, so that his future will be better if he chooses to reflect on it. It's best for both of you that it ended this way. After 2 years, you had every right to doubt him. Good luck with NC!
Leegh Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I'd give him another chance, if you still like him. Long distance relationships are hard to handle, and it sounds as if you and he, at least in the past, had a good connection. Women, in general, like to talk more about relationships, etc. then men. Men do not like to analyze things as much as women do. Whenever men, for example, get together for a football game, they never, or very rarely talk about personal stuff. Yet when women get together for lunch, that's mostly what we talk about. I realize the situaton with him is hard now, but he sounds like an OK guy to me, just a normal guy.
Cogee Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I'd give him another chance, if you still like him. Long distance relationships are hard to handle, and it sounds as if you and he, at least in the past, had a good connection. Women, in general, like to talk more about relationships, etc. then men. Men do not like to analyze things as much as women do. Whenever men, for example, get together for a football game, they never, or very rarely talk about personal stuff. Yet when women get together for lunch, that's mostly what we talk about. I realize the situaton with him is hard now, but he sounds like an OK guy to me, just a normal guy. I disagree. Her boyfriend was constantly asking her if she was messing around with others or who she was talking with. There is no trust in that and, as she even admits, it slowly pushes her away because she wonders why her bf isn't trusting, or when he will be trusting. Would you want to be with someone who doesn't trust you?
Author nicolewest Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 I'd give him another chance, if you still like him. Long distance relationships are hard to handle, and it sounds as if you and he, at least in the past, had a good connection. Women, in general, like to talk more about relationships, etc. then men. Men do not like to analyze things as much as women do. Whenever men, for example, get together for a football game, they never, or very rarely talk about personal stuff. Yet when women get together for lunch, that's mostly what we talk about. I realize the situaton with him is hard now, but he sounds like an OK guy to me, just a normal guy. Thanks for you comment. He is an OK guy, yes we had a great connection but like i stated he didnt trust me and our relationship had other issues. Trust was just the biggest one. I made a lot of unethical judgements when he and I were together, because he asked me to. And whenever I wanted to end such things he would act as if its something everybody does or try to make me pity him. He did ask me if i still like him. I was silent. I do but after two years I need to have stronger feelings than simply liking someone. And theres no point of that if that person doesnt trust me.
Author nicolewest Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 I disagree. Her boyfriend was constantly asking her if she was messing around with others or who she was talking with. There is no trust in that and, as she even admits, it slowly pushes her away because she wonders why her bf isn't trusting, or when he will be trusting. Would you want to be with someone who doesn't trust you? Thanks. I know part of the reason he was distrusting was because he has been cheated on in the past, but he has also cheated in the past in those relationships. I can even imagine being with someone who doesn't trust me, how can i share anything with them? It makes me uncomfortable.
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