6 Days NC, 54 more is my personal goal!

[fabulousgal]

That does not mean I will contact him at 60, I just have a mindset that if I can live without someone for 60 days, why not forever.

 

Today has been excellent. I came home last night angry. Angry at the hypocrisy, childness, immaturity and meaness of my ex. It is not my problem he hasn't accomplished anything career wise. His self-esteem is not my responsibility. Just because you can't find the job you think you deserve, you could fill your life with activity, any of them. Volunteer. Go to the library. Work on art. Finish the projects you promised you would do for me for my birthday gift from DECEMBER that are still incomplete. Work at a coffee shop and learn interaction skills in customer situations. ANYTHING! Then maybe the number of texts I send you vs. me wouldn't matter so much. You'd be happy you had a girl who thought you were the bees knees, and learned to appreciate what I DID DO. You'd see my shyness which I was open about as cute and not "an indication of my clear disliking of you" and try to make me feel secure.

 

So I got my a* out of bed this AM and went and saw my trainer. He said I was in incredible shape from a year ago. I never stopped my workouts, and my ex had the nerve to say instead of helping him find a job I'd go to the gym. Um, do you remember me coming over at midnight to do practice interviews when I had to get up at 6 the next day for work? Or send your resume out to all of my contacts?

 

I then went to my therapist. Tonight I see one of my very great friends, and tomorrow I have a date. Who knows where it will go, but I think it's good for me to get myself out there. Now I am going to listen to some music and work on a big presentation for next week!

 

Rock out LS! Have a great day! We can do this!!!

[blindhope]

This pretty much sounds like the blue print for successfully moving on. I've heard it said a lot, but good to see it in action. Good Luck!!

[iouaname]

I actually did the exact same thing, set a 60 day goal for myself and was just going to see where I stood after 60 days. I'm now on Day 50 (and trust me, I never thought I'd make it this far), so you CAN do it!

 

From my experience, here is what I can offer:

 

The first two weeks went fine. I actually felt pretty decent.

Weeks three & four were a little tougher, but when I did get to the one month mark, I felt amazing!

Then, after that, it went downhill. I had a low period around the 40s, and it only just lifted tonight as it turned into Day 50, and I'm feeling much better and feeling optimistic about the next ten days.

 

So, it's going to be a rollercoaster. But STICK WITH IT and reward yourself at every 10 days. I promise that you'll feel sooooo much better by the time you get to Day 30/40/50, even the hardest days won't be as bad as the better days you had early on!

[fabulousgal]

I wouldn't want my daughter to date him. That is my new mantra. From the first time he kicked me out of his apartment at 4AM, was very condescending about a minor health issue I have, to scolding me "not to correct him in public", or picking an issue with one of my good guy friends on my birthday, or never have had a real job/career....

 

My friend told me last night if I ever went back to him she would lower her opinon of me. This is a smart girl. My father told me he would not support me. So, there is really no purpose of speaking to him ever again if my closest friends and family cannot support me.

[iouaname]

Yup, I've used that as motivation to get over him as well. My friends and family would think less of me if I went back to him, even if none of them would outright say that. Those people have been there for me while this person has made me feel like complete ****, so who should I value more in my life?

[candie13]

My mantra is "he's preventing me from meeting someone who is dying to have a family and loves kids" . It's my cold shower.

 

Unfortunately only day two for me. Keeping busy. Not bawling my eyes out. Went to see my physiotherapist, he confirmed that my knee issue can be solved, I am extremely happy about that. Talk to my headhunter who's referring me to another company. Went to my zumba class this evening.

 

It's the weekends that I dread most, as I have too much time to think. Here's my schedule:

- tomorrow: Friday evening: bought tickets for jazz festival. Going there with a girl I have not seen in ages

- Saturday: yoga in the morning, brunch with the girls the afternoon. Dinner with a bunch of strangers, trying out Libanese food - an expat thing

- Sunday: I'm baking a chocolate cake for my best friends in the morning. Dance class & meeting new people in the afternoon. Romanian dinner - 8 of us - in the evening

 

I know I may be running away from myself, but as someone before put it, it's the first weeks that one is more vulnerable. I don't intend to contact him. I won't write any emails. I just don't want free time to feel sad and think, for now.

[geegirl]

It's the weekends that I dread most, as I have too much time to think. Here's my schedule:

- tomorrow: Friday evening: bought tickets for jazz festival. Going there with a girl I have not seen in ages

- Saturday: yoga in the morning, brunch with the girls the afternoon. Dinner with a bunch of strangers, trying out Libanese food - an expat thing

- Sunday: I'm baking a chocolate cake for my best friends in the morning. Dance class & meeting new people in the afternoon. Romanian dinner - 8 of us - in the evening.

 

I used to have my therapy sessions on Thursdays and I would always fear the weekends because 1) he lived down the street and the temptation to make contact was so strong 2) the idle mind was a devil 3) I would cry over how our weekends used to be.

 

The therapist would pull out a notepad and start a schedule for me for the weekend. I would have to think of things I needed to do. She'd write them down. And every weekend I would complete everything on the list, add anything that wasn't on there that I did and show her at the next session.

 

Soon, it became a habit and I was more focused on me. It actually pushed me to venture out and do things that otherwise I would have never done.

[fabulousgal]

30 minutes on the treadmill, one hour of Pilates training, working, reading about Narcissitic PD (which my therapist and others suggest he has), now heading to a date, and set up a date with another guy for next week.

 

I feel so sad in a way. I am going on a date with someone new because he left. I wish it were with him. But I know that's my attachment side, not my rational side. I've been feeling like, in shock today.

 

Time to get my smile on. I hope I never see him again.

[sedona]

Broke up with him 19 days ago. Stages so far: sadness with resignation, then anger with him for lots of episodes over the past two years & anger with me for having putting up with it, and now....I miss him soooo much. I am so tempted to reach out to him this evening. Except for nothing would be changed, so getting in touch with him would be pointless.

 

Weekends are tough!! I really, really hate this. And I am very sad & lonely right now! The reality of not seeing him again is beginning to sink in. Aargh!!

 

Encouragement needed, please.

[iouaname]

Weekends are toughest for me, too! Friday morning-Sunday afternoon are extremely difficult for me and I find myself having to really push to get through them without breaking down and contacting him, or otherwise spending the whole day in bed miserable.

 

There's not really a solution - you just have to push yourself through them. You get through the first hard weekend, and then the next hard weekend, and then the hard weekend after that... and then suddenly, you realize that the next weekend wasn't too hard. And slowly, they'll start to get better. It's a long process, but you'll get there.

[na49]

Weekends suck for me too. I'm trying to think about what my counselor told me yesterday which is "Do I miss her? or am I just lonely?" I want to unblock her on facebook just to remind her that I'm not dead but I know if I did it, it would be to get a reaction from her.

 

Stay strong people! Monday is only 3 days away!

[fabulousgal]

So shock was Thursday, since then pure depression. Laid in bed Friday until now. Wouldn't talk to anyone except some texts here and there. Wouldn't eat. Skipped my pilates class which I WOULD NEVER DO.

 

Basically the day of the BU it was 3-4 hours of me being told how bad of a girlfriend I was and how bad our relationship was. I never reminded him of anything he did. He told me I treated him like a dog. It was so irrational I cannot describe.

 

1. The day he asked me to be his girlfriend, it wasn't like a normal nice guy, he actually yelled at me on a street on a night out. He told me that he's been dating me, I rarely call/text/initate plans (he is the guy I like to be courted!) and we aren't having sex (again, I don't unless he is my man). He reminded me of how silly it was I got mad at him once/twice in the inital months of dating, like mocking me. And all of this to finally ask to be my boyfriend. I was in tears.
   
2. I travel a lot for work. All of a sudden I was asked to go on several work trips that took a long time. He told me that I "misled" him about the demands of my job, and he was alone too much.
   
3. There was a weather event that prevented me from getting back from a trip and he was without power etc. He was upset that I didn't text him "like a girlfriend." I sent him nice encouraging texts from time to time, but he told me they were no better than just a friend. I was busy once when he called, but it's not like he was reaching out to me that much, he was going out drinking.
   
4. I informed him of a minor health issue I have. It is quite common. I wanted to talk to him about what it meant for the relationship, and he told me that, "he doesn't need my opinion he'll get his own information." I asked him why isn't he being a partner, he was perplexed by that.
   
5. He kicked me out of his apartment during a fight at 4 AM a few weeks later. During this fight, he listed out everything I mentioned in 1-4. He kept lists. It was so strange, we could NEVER focus on the issue at hand.
   
6. He snapped at me in public for "correcting him." I wasn't correcting him in the first place, but he ended up leaving me in the street after yelling at me. I didn't yell back or argue, I would always be paralyzed.
   
7. He made a really crude comment in front of my friends about checking out a girls boob job (like in the flesh). I know he meant it more of a science experiment thing, but I was so sad he'd say that. It was my fault however, because I got "moody" and "can't take a joke."
   
8. When he broke up with me, it was 3-4 hours of how bad I was as a girlfriend:
   1. 
      
   2. How I make plans with my friends and don't consider him.
      
   3. How I don't reply to him right away, or call him as much as he calls me. (I am more of a slow texter/caller, and prefer in person communication)
      
   4. He told me our relationship was like a sexless marriage (he was having performance issues, I never made him feel bad. I was servicing him in other ways with NO RECIPROCATION). He told me "he just can't have sex with me"
      
   5. Actually he told me that the relationship was never one, some "weird companionship"
      
   6. He told me I hadn't helped him with his job hunt when I've been on call basically to help him with resumes/referrals/how to deal with HR/How much money to ask for/etc. He said any of my efforts were because he threatened to break up with me a few weeks before.
      

I feel like I was with someone with a personality disorder. He's never accomplished squat in his life career wise (never had a FT job). A 32 year old, super handsome charmer, who thinks the world revolves around him and is entitled. Even with his friendships he was always complaining to me about what such and such did that isn't right to him, blah blah. About how his parents have controlled him and caused him too many issues.

 

But his words have cause me significant pain. My friends think he was emotionally abusive. Why on earth would I miss someone who did this?

[sedona]

Hey fabulousgirl,

 

You wrote your last post here a few hours ago. I hope that you're out of bed and have eaten something by now.

 

For what it's worth, I really understand your pain. And am experiencing it myself. Last night I caved and found my ex. It was sheer weakness because there is no way I could go back to the relationship as it was, but I miss him and NC is killing me. We had a 'civil' talk. In one way he misses me, but in another he's relieved to not have me around.

 

The most painful moment was when I asked "What should we do?" and he answered "We? There is no 'we'. There is just 'me'. You broke up & announced our BU to the world." All true, I changed my FB status to single (only for my Friends to see), and tell people we broke up if they ask. Nevertheless painful to hear, as a BU was not what I wanted and he knows that.

 

I had already given him my 'dealbreaker' list. He says he wants to work on his own as well as consider his lifestyle, and then we can talk again. And I said ok, prolonging my agony. Stupid me.

 

Stayed in bed until noon.

 

Sorry, don't mean to highjack your thread (but I need help too!).

 

The reason you want him back is that you are addicted. Not to the man per se - from your description, he sounds horrid. But you are addicted to your own dreams that you had in a relationship with him. Does that sound right?

[fabulousgal]

I am sorry he reacted that way to you, breaking NC is a very easy thing to do. In my experiences, it usually makes you feel worse. It is a catch 22, I am DYING for a breadcrumb, but then why? I deserve more than that, and I couldn't respond anyway, because I know it would go nowhere.

 

Maybe you should pick a length of time, no matter how painful, you remain in NC. Then reevaluate. Likely you'll feel stronger and say, what is x days more?

 

But I feel dreadful. It's been a week. I am low. I can't stop thinking about what-ifs and why. EVERYONE I've spoken with has said the things he held against me were petty and immature, and frankly sound crazy. I still can't process it though. I could never accept him back in my life after the treatmeant he gave me. No person with a soul talks to a person they are breaking up with like that. Grace and tact were lacking. My therapist called it sadistic. I think he gets that way when he fears he's being controlled.

 

I am even madder at myself over a few things. I let things that were "dealbreakers" in my head slide. A lot of it had to do with sex. He would never return the favor if you know what I mean. It was because, "He's such a good boyfriend to his girlfriends, he doesn't have too." Narcissistic Pig.

[sedona]

You have to treat yourself better, and stop being angry with yourself. You made a mistake, maybe more than just one...but you can't do anything about them now, other than learn from them for next time.

 

Btw, I really do know what I'm talking about. No sex here either...not for TWO years. That is one of my dealbreakers (although I didn't think of it at the time) - and I lived with it for all that time...being patient. I should've told him to go away and work it out himself two years ago.

 

One word of advice, no matter how down you feel, go to your Pilates class next time. Get out of the house. It's not a magic cure, but you will forget about your troubles for at least a few minutes, and maybe longer. Try Zumba too, even if you're not the 'type'. The atmosphere in Zumba classes is always positive and fun (IMO).

Edited April 7, 2013 by sedona
clarity