I don't want to give up on him

[Liveeiitx0up]

So my ex and i broke up about three weeks ago. I found stuff on his phone he was talking to other girls getting naked pictures from them and stuff. It hurt so bad to see them but a part of me knew he was lost and going through a bad time in his life .

 

Let me give you some background information about us. We are both in the army stationed in North Carolina . We met last year around February at work and started being friends with benefits , I started having feelings for him but he didnt feel the same. I deployed in April and during that time we didn't talk much until he sent me a message around July claiming he knows he wants to be with me now and that when I got back he wanted to prove to me he loved me and was sorry for how he treated me before my deployment . So I got back last September and everything was amazing we were inseparable we were so in love. He really had changed all of his bad ways to be with me I was so blessed he had come around. Now two days after i got back in September he got a DUI when I was with him. It was all of our faults all of my friends but we got through it. He lost his rank and was very upset but I was always there for him and he knew that.

 

I took him home to meet my family this past Christmas and they loved him. I was very surprised with how everything went we never faught we were each others soul mates . He told my parents I was the best thing to happen to him, how I had helped him so much with his drinking problem and his life in general. He said I gave him support . We talked about after the army about going to Maine and building a life a future for us he talked about how he wanted to get married and have kids some day. He said he never had such strong feelings for anyone before. So the trip home to meet my family was amazing.

 

In January he met these three guys who came to the unit. We all work together and it was fine at first we would all hangout party together and have a good time. Well one of these friends started pressuring him saying he was meant to live a single party life not giving a **** about girls. He started going out to the bars and coming home late. I never thought anything if it because I didn't see the signs. His friends all cheated on their gfs and I think he started to wish he could live two lives. Idk if he cheated on me when we were together or not he said he didn't.

 

Well now he says he still loves me but doesn't want a relationship. He calls me drunk all the time asking me if I'm sleeping with anyone and that he misses me. For the past three weeks ice bugged him and tried to prove to him our relationship how everything was fine before he started hanging with these guys. He doesn't see how they lead him down the wrong path. Everyone at our work thinks he's a ****bag not and tgat he's no good. I don't want to give up on him . I know he will regret this later just like the first time. What should I do? Idk if he will ever come back . I see him everyday at work and he always gives me that look like he loves me to death. If he doesn't want a relationship with me why is he jealous if I'm with other people? I was fine last week but this week I'm having a hard time I wish he would realize he's making a mistake . He's not the same person I brought home to meet my family and I know he can become that person again. He also bought me a 1000 diamond necklace for valentines day.. This was three weeks after I found that stuff on his phone.

Edited April 3, 2013 by Liveeiitx0up

[geegirl]

I have a feeling that no matter what advice we give you, you're going to run yourself to the ground before you stand up on your own and let this man go.

[Liveeiitx0up]

I am no longer contacting him. The issue I have understanding is why he still calls and cares who I'm with

[geegirl]

It's control. He wants to keep you there as a secure, soft spot to land while he goes out and gets a taste of what's out there.

 

Why would you believe that someone cares just because they call? Does cheating on you mean he cares and loves you? Does telling you he does not want a relationship with you mean he cares and loves you? Why not focus on those glaring signs?

 

And even if he's in a dark place right now, it's not your job to fix him because you can't. Change has to come from him. You can sit around and wait but putting your life on hold is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

[Liveeiitx0up]

I appreciate the honesty. I don't know I always feel like I can and should help him because he's going to destroy his life. His family agrees with me as well and he's back to drinking a lot. It's just so damn hard seeing him all day everyday some days are good others are terrible. Is it true guys can move on that quickly? To promise the world and then act like a stranger that we didn't go through everything we did? Idk the other day he said I was pressuring him and that made me relieze talking and being friends like he said he wanted wouldn't work. And the worst part is he wants to be friends with benifits just like the start of our relationship .

[ThatJustHappened]

You can't help him. He has to help himself. Believe me, I've tried.

 

If you refuse to give up on him, you're in for a long, painful, and frustrating ride. Definitely don't be his f*** buddy..that won't help you feel any better. Walk away. Don't answer his calls or texts. Just move on.

[KatZee]

I appreciate the honesty. I don't know I always feel like I can and should help him because he's going to destroy his life.

 

His life is not yours to fix. This will always be your downfall if you get into relationships with broken people looking to "fix" them.

 

The only person that can fix him is himself. The only thing he will wind up doing is destroying you along with himself. I get that you don't want to give up on him but it's pretty clear he's given up on you. You can't fight for something that isn't there, you can't manipulate or talk someone into being with you, no matter how good your intentions are or how much his family loves you.

[geegirl]

His life is his responsibility. He is accountable for his own actions. You cannot sacrifice yourself at the expense of his betterment. It's called co-dependency. Do some reading on it.

 

A person moves on quickly not because of their gender but because they were never that invested in the first place. Cheating on you is a clear sign as to his level of commitment and investment.

 

People promise you the world. They then take it away. It has happened to me, and most posters on this site. Nothing is a guarantee. Words are never guarantees that you will have your happily ever after. Who cares if he promised you the world then? He's not promising you anything now. Work with you have now. Everything that was said then, means absolutely nothing.

 

Bingo. He wants to be friends with benefits. He wants to have you there as a sex benefit so he calls and gets "jealous" because he wants to secure you rather than lose you as a benefit.

 

And you don't want to give up on him? Once you get demoted to f*** buddy, there is no going up. There you will stay. Move on and heal from this assclown.

[Liveeiitx0up]

I'm starting to understand now how messed up of a situation it really is. If he contacts me which he's probably wondering why I'm not because I've been texting him a lot in the past..if he tries to contact me i am going to ignore him

[geegirl]

I'm starting to understand now how messed up of a situation it really is. If he contacts me which he's probably wondering why I'm not because I've been texting him a lot in the past..if he tries to contact me i am going to ignore him

 

Please ignore this man. Especially now that he's had the audacity to ask you to be his f*** buddy. I would be insulted, disrespected and completely turned off. Not forgetting he was talking to other women and kepeing naked pictures of them. Regardless of the situation, you don't want someone like this in your life. Hold on to your dignity and self-respect.

[Liveeiitx0up]

I will. The hardest part is having to see him at work I'm so angry at him I wish every time I see him I could just slap him lol for everything he has done .

[Liveeiitx0up]

He even came up to me earlier and asked if the lighter he had was mine and gave it back to me lol and it was akward cuss we were just alone outside and its like he expected me to say something, i just finished my cig and left. And he will come join our group when I smoke .

[TaraMaiden]

If you work with him, read my No Contact Guide - it was written originally by a man who worked in close proximity (but not in the same department) as his ex.

She cheated on him.

In the end, by using these tactics, he gained the 'upper moral hand'; and it left her completely perplexed, bewildered and powerless.....

 

What you need to do is take back your control.

When he approaches, turn the other way.When he joins your group, turn your back on him. Do not make eye contact, do not engage in ANY kind of small talk at all.

 

A-T A-L-L.

 

At work, all and every discussion you have with him has to be completely business-based. Nothing personal or non-professional in any way.

 

Shun him, walk past him, deflect, ignore, resist.

 

If he approaches where you are and makes attempts to engage you in chatter, just cut him off (No Eye Contact!!) by saying,

"I take it this discussion is on work and professional matters? If not, I have more important things to do....." and do not respond to anything....

 

"It's the person who cares the least, who controls the most"

 

You have to "Care the least".

[geegirl]

He even came up to me earlier and asked if the lighter he had was mine and gave it back to me lol and it was akward cuss we were just alone outside and its like he expected me to say something, i just finished my cig and left. And he will come join our group when I smoke .

 

Find another corner to smoke.

[Quiet Storm]

If he doesn't want a relationship with me why is he jealous if I'm with other people?

Because some people feel a sense of ownership over past partners. It doesn't indicate love, but a sense of possession. It's similar to when a kid suddenly wants to play with an old toy again if he notices someone else enjoying it. Then he'll play with it for five minutes and dump it back in the toybox.

 

Please stop making excuses for this guy. He is a grown man with self control. His new friends did not make him act this way, he is making these choices. It's all on him.

 

Fill your days with friends and activities. When you think of him, immediately replace that thought with something else. Do everything you can to distance yourself, physcially & emotionally. Do not ask about him and if someone brings him up, quickly change the subject.

 

You don't want to give up on him because you have hope. In your case, hope will keep you stuck.

 

In the year you have been with him, he has shown himself to be a very unstable and unreliable person. In Feb, you were FWB, but he didn't want a relationship. You left, and then in July he finally decides he wants to be with you. In September, you fell in love and say he changed his bad ways to be with you, but that same month he got a DUI. At Christmas, he was playing nice boyfriend and told your parents how much you helped him. In January, he's back in the bars and coming home late. Now, he doesn't want a relationship.

 

He is up & down, back & forth. Please understand that these types of relationships are very addictive because of "intermittent reinforcement". That means that because you are always feeling off balance, the good times feel even better. You end up tolerating so much crap just to get the reward of a few good feelings. You don't feel so strongly because you love him, you feel so strongly because your brain has been conditioned by intermittent reinforcement. Think about it....do you really love him for his amazing character, or do you just miss the way he made you feel?

 

His behavior is not about his friends, or about you. It's him. 100% him. You cannot save him, you cannot change him, you cannot control him. He is no good for you and you should be glad you got off the roller coaster.

 

You think you can build him up, but all he will do is drag you down.

 

You deserve better.

[Liveeiitx0up]

Wow when you put it in that perspective it really helps me see how I should just let him go. It makes perfect sense as to why he still calls late at night drunk . I think because I took him back in the past that He thinks i will always take him back if he comes crawling regretting his decision just like before. Everyone tells me I deserve better its time I start looking up and holding my head high because he just lost an amazing woman.

[Liveeiitx0up]

Wow so he got drunk the other night messaged me saying he loves and mosses me and asked me to cuddle with him in his room (three doors down) then of course I didn't but he texted me the next morning saying he was drunk and dumb. Why do guys do that? I thought drunken words are sober thoughts ????

[geegirl]

Wow so he got drunk the other night messaged me saying he loves and mosses me and asked me to cuddle with him in his room (three doors down) then of course I didn't but he texted me the next morning saying he was drunk and dumb. Why do guys do that? I thought drunken words are sober thoughts ????

 

My ex used to do that. I began to realize that booze can also make you horny and melancholy, hence the lovey dovey words, rather than run off with the "drunken words are sober thoughts" through my brain. If the man can't openly express his feelings for you when he is alert and sober, it's futile to analyze why they say what they say when they are drunk. It doesn't mean a thing.

 

Besides, if he really loved you and missed you, drunk or not, he'd offer you more than just the opportunity to be a friend with benefits.

[Liveeiitx0up]

Ya it's just so weird because I just have this feeling this is all a act for him like he knows he's going to come back to me just after he has all his single life fun. If he gets a hold of me every time he's drunk it is a sign I think ...maybe not. it hurts very much because I love and miss him so freakin much. Just seeing him I get butterflies still I hate it. My anxiety has come back due to this.

[ThatJustHappened]

Find another corner to smoke.

 

Or quit smoking...

[geegirl]

Ya it's just so weird because I just have this feeling this is all a act for him like he knows he's going to come back to me just after he has all his single life fun. If he gets a hold of me every time he's drunk it is a sign I think ...maybe not. it hurts very much because I love and miss him so freakin much. Just seeing him I get butterflies still I hate it. My anxiety has come back due to this.

 

Of course. They give you just enough, little bits here and there, to keep reigniting your attention (which is what you are doing), without jeopardizing losing you as they go on and live the life that they desire.

 

When someone asks me to be a f*** buddy, it's possibly the best way to for me to shut that door and never look back again. It's insulting and degrading. I hope that in itself stirs you the other way.

[Liveeiitx0up]

Oh ya I've already denied him three times and he says okay i understand but still is messing with me. Maybe he thinks ill come around and decide I want to sleep with him. That's never going to happen though I will not go down that road again. I rly hope he doesn't contact me this weekend with more bull**** enough is enough. And if he tries I'm not going to respond and he will be the one freaking out.

[geegirl]

Oh ya I've already denied him three times and he says okay i understand but still is messing with me. Maybe he thinks ill come around and decide I want to sleep with him. That's never going to happen though I will not go down that road again. I rly hope he doesn't contact me this weekend with more bull**** enough is enough. And if he tries I'm not going to respond and he will be the one freaking out.

 

Why did you have to get to denying three times? Why not once and shut that door? When he engages and you keep denying, all you teach him is that the door is still open for him to keep trying. You also teach him that you don't mind being disrespected over and over again. That teaches him that you have zero boundaries. That teaches him that you still hold a candle and he hopes at some point he can get to you. So he will keep tryng for as long as you keep saying no.

 

Safe to say you keep engaging because you believe one day he will have a different approach. Best to NC and start your healing process. When a man propositions you just for sex, it's hard to justify anything more meaningful coming out from interacting with him.

[Liveeiitx0up]

I understand. Ya I'm sick of looking desperate he's not going to keep me on his leash and think he can bring me back into his life at any time. Enough is enough I'm going to stop contacting him

[Liveeiitx0up]

It's like my head knows to move on but my heart doesn't want to. It would be sooooo much easier if I didn't have to see him everyday grrr