WhatsTheAnswer Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I miss my ex AP. She was my world. I know many of us MM take a beating on this thread. Understandably. I know most of you think we are unfeeling uncaring. But I truly loved her. I miss her. She was my best friend as well as a lover. She has moved on to a single guy (she got divorced a few months ago) and it appears after only after a few months she might be engaged. It's so surreal how life can get sometimes. Part of me feels I wish I never let myself get caught up in an affair but there is another part of me that will always remember the feeling of being in love with her. I will never forget her. 5
Finally Settled Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I miss my ex AP. She was my world. I know many of us MM take a beating on this thread. Understandably. I know most of you think we are unfeeling uncaring. But I truly loved her. I miss her. She was my best friend as well as a lover. She has moved on to a single guy (she got divorced a few months ago) and it appears after only after a few months she might be engaged. It's so surreal how life can get sometimes. Part of me feels I wish I never let myself get caught up in an affair but there is another part of me that will always remember the feeling of being in love with her. I will never forget her. I certainly understand your feelings WhatsTheAnswer as I found myself feeling the same when my affair ended. It took me almost five years to face my feelings and my failings, and move forward with my life. May I ask if you are still in your marriage?
cocorico Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I miss my ex AP. She was my world. I know many of us MM take a beating on this thread. Understandably. I know most of you think we are unfeeling uncaring. But I truly loved her. I miss her. She was my best friend as well as a lover. She has moved on to a single guy (she got divorced a few months ago) and it appears after only after a few months she might be engaged. It's so surreal how life can get sometimes. Part of me feels I wish I never let myself get caught up in an affair but there is another part of me that will always remember the feeling of being in love with her. I will never forget her. If you were not prepared to leave your M, I'd question whether she really was "your world", or if you're just feeling so strongly about the loss now that she is engaged to another. 5
Author WhatsTheAnswer Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 I certainly understand your feelings WhatsTheAnswer as I found myself feeling the same when my affair ended. It took me almost five years to face my feelings and my failings, and move forward with my life. May I ask if you are still in your marriage? I am. But was preparing to leave. We had some things my AP and I needed to discuss as far as living arrangements kids etc. and how we would have worked that all out. I still needed to discuss a few long term things that we never got to discuss.
Author WhatsTheAnswer Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 If you were not prepared to leave your M, I'd question whether she really was "your world", or if you're just feeling so strongly about the loss now that she is engaged to another. I was prepared emotionally but we had some logistics to work out including living conditions, kids etc. We never got the chance to have that talk.
Finally Settled Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I am. But was preparing to leave. We had some things my AP and I needed to discuss as far as living arrangements kids etc. and how we would have worked that all out. I still needed to discuss a few long term things that we never got to discuss. I gather that your other woman ended your relationship and began another with someone else then? Forgive me my ignorance of your situation, but does your wife know of the affair?
Author WhatsTheAnswer Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Uhhhh, how could you not get around to discussing these things? I get the impression that you are giving us a slanted view here.......my guess is she got tired of waiting on you and moved on, is that correct? Also......you stay married feeling like that? Your wife deserves better. Pull up your jockeys and quit being the victim of YOUR OWN circumstances. Yes she did not want to wait. I did tell my wife and she does not want me to leave she wants to work it out. However I asked her to go to counseling and she doesn't want to go.
Author WhatsTheAnswer Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 As do I. I know firsthand the pain caused to a betrayed spouse when your own cowardice emerges. I feel bad for her too. I just found at the time I clicked with my AP better than my wife. She did nothing wrong and I feel remorse I so wish I could have had the same level of passion with my wife at the time. Maybe we can get it back I just don't know. I guess in the end with an A there are other outside forces that affect any romantic entanglement. I know many of you are BS's no need to bash. Trust me I have already heard it all. I simply wanted to vent that I do miss my AP.
Finally Settled Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 You still have a choice, if your wife won't attend counseling, then you can decide that is not tolerable for you and say so. If it's a deal breaker..........then say so. You are only a victim of yourself if you allow yourself to be. Your posts indicate that you don't take charge of your own life and choices. I very much agree with Lady Grey on this. Having been in similar shoes I would advise you to tell your wife that you will gladly stay and try to reconcile, but she will need to attend counselling. Let her know, clearly, that if he chooses not to you will considering that the end of the marriage. Even with counselling it will be difficult for you survive this, but without it I think the end is inevitable.
Cali408 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Your wife does not need counseling. You need to communicate what you want. You wanted your cake and to eat it too. Meanwhile the AP was waiting on you while getting divorced. You didn't communicate with her either. This is on you my friend. You weren't assertive. You were being a weasel keeping one hanging on while you "got your affairs in order" Translation, you did nothing. I'm not questioning your morals. All I'm saying is, what did you think your AP was going to do? I know when I had an affair, we discussed 2 ways it would end. A. Get Caught B. One of us was single. You were too selfish to realize it. 3
Summer Breeze Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Your wife does not need counseling. You need to communicate what you want. You wanted your cake and to eat it too. Meanwhile the AP was waiting on you while getting divorced. You didn't communicate with her either. This is on you my friend. You weren't assertive. You were being a weasel keeping one hanging on while you "got your affairs in order" Translation, you did nothing. I'm not questioning your morals. All I'm saying is, what did you think your AP was going to do? I know when I had an affair, we discussed 2 ways it would end. A. Get Caught B. One of us was single. You were too selfish to realize it. His W knows. She's made a choice that she wants to try and meke it work. He's asked her to go with him to get help and she's refused. He knows what he did and he's trying to do the right thing. Why on earth wouldn't she need help? He cheated on her, almost left her, and now she wants to stay and make it work. After what he's done she certainly needs help exactly like he does. 2
contender Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I miss my ex AP. She was my world. I know many of us MM take a beating on this thread. Understandably. I know most of you think we are unfeeling uncaring. But I truly loved her. I miss her. She was my best friend as well as a lover. She has moved on to a single guy (she got divorced a few months ago) and it appears after only after a few months she might be engaged. It's so surreal how life can get sometimes. Part of me feels I wish I never let myself get caught up in an affair but there is another part of me that will always remember the feeling of being in love with her. I will never forget her. I know how you feel. Very similar situation. Breaking it off can be the right decision, you can love your spouse and truly hope to reconcile. But sometimes those old feelings just resurface. You can't help that. You can control whether you act on those feelings and what you do with them. 3
Mycatsnuggles Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) WTA, in response to your post, thank you. I do wonder if he thinks of me fondly as I think of him. We came into each others lives for a reason. Edited May 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 5
Got it Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I miss my ex AP. She was my world. I know many of us MM take a beating on this thread. Understandably. I know most of you think we are unfeeling uncaring. But I truly loved her. I miss her. She was my best friend as well as a lover. She has moved on to a single guy (she got divorced a few months ago) and it appears after only after a few months she might be engaged. It's so surreal how life can get sometimes. Part of me feels I wish I never let myself get caught up in an affair but there is another part of me that will always remember the feeling of being in love with her. I will never forget her. First off, I want to offer you a big hug ((((((WTA)))))))) Second, if you feel this way, and were at the point where divorce was your decision whether or not she is still in your life doesn't mean you shouldn't move forward. Your divorce should be based on your independent decision and not because someone else is in the picture. Move forward, and make your life what you want it to be, you have more power than you realize. Don't stay because you feel alone, that isn't fair to anyone. ((((()))))) 3
Lillyfree Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 hi WTA. it's ok to miss them, and i don't believe you are a bad person for doing so. i've had a triggery couple of days. it doesn't mean i don't love my husband and it doesn't mean i don't want to reconcile and make my M good again. sometimes we'll just be down for whatever reason, and miss the good feelings associated with someone who made us happy for a while. it's human. *hugs* 4
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 I miss my ex AP. She was my world. I know many of us MM take a beating on this thread. Understandably. I know most of you think we are unfeeling uncaring. But I truly loved her. I miss her. She was my best friend as well as a lover. She has moved on to a single guy (she got divorced a few months ago) and it appears after only after a few months she might be engaged. It's so surreal how life can get sometimes. Part of me feels I wish I never let myself get caught up in an affair but there is another part of me that will always remember the feeling of being in love with her. I will never forget her. If you felt this strongly for her, in love etc, why didn't you divorce your wife? Start a new life with your OW?
underwater2010 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Have you tried being on your own? And I ask in all earnest. It seems as though you are reluctant to let your OW go. Maybe you would realize exactly how much your wife means to you if you did not have either her or the OW around. It would give you time to ponder what you truly want for the future.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 hi WTA. it's ok to miss them, and i don't believe you are a bad person for doing so. i've had a triggery couple of days. it doesn't mean i don't love my husband and it doesn't mean i don't want to reconcile and make my M good again. sometimes we'll just be down for whatever reason, and miss the good feelings associated with someone who made us happy for a while. it's human. *hugs* I am over 3 years out and there are still days that its hard. A song will come on the radio, I will pass a place we used to walk, a movie, etc. It is tough but it does get easier with time. And I am not going to bash you or anything, recognizing that it does take time to get affairs in order especially if children are involved, but she may have gotten to the point where she didn't think you were serious at all. I can tell you this, as a FOW (and still married), if my xOM came back today and said he was ready to start a relationship again and that he was leaving his wife, I would have serious reservations. It's been a very long time with no communication. The fog has lifted pretty much and I don't think I could ever trust him as looking out for my best interests. But that doesn't take away the feelings. Hang in there - I'm sorry you are going through this. 2
veryhappy Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Do you still miss her as much today, or was it a fleeting moment and you are back to being your wife's husband? If I remember your story right, you weren't really that close to being with her. She got divorced, and you were hung up on not wanting to leave your marriage. Why change the facts? If you really wanted her, you'd be doing something about it. You are not. Missing someone is normal, but it doesn't mean you wanted anything different than what you have chosen when you had a choice. 4
thefooloftheyear Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 How long was it before the A started and the AP ended it? Its hard. If it took a long time. then maybe she just lost hope. Strange thing is you hear stories on this site about OW that wait for MANY years and dont leave, even though their MM never intend on leaving... I wish you well... TFOY
Praying4Peace Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 WTA, I'm so sorry you miss her. I'm pretty much the OW in your situation. We both started off married, made 'plans', suffered many D-Days and I got D. We both were very much in love but even more than that was our deep friendship. I think you should put yourself in your ex-OW's shoes...heartbroken, divorced, starting a new type of life with kids in tow...its completely devastating and so much harder to move on when dealing with it all alone. Do you think your feelings just surged because of the news of her upcoming marriage? A better question is: do you have any regrets? Would you have done anything differently knowing how you feel now? Take care 2
Author WhatsTheAnswer Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 WTA, I'm so sorry you miss her. I'm pretty much the OW in your situation. We both started off married, made 'plans', suffered many D-Days and I got D. We both were very much in love but even more than that was our deep friendship. I think you should put yourself in your ex-OW's shoes...heartbroken, divorced, starting a new type of life with kids in tow...its completely devastating and so much harder to move on when dealing with it all alone. Do you think your feelings just surged because of the news of her upcoming marriage? A better question is: do you have any regrets? Would you have done anything differently knowing how you feel now? Take care Its not that cut and dried. My ex OW suffers from very low self esteem. As a result this was the reason I had my reservations to running to her right away. I needed to have a long talk with her and started to approach her about it. I was worried that after I moved in with her that she might be tempted by another at some point one the day to day life crept in. She likes attention. She readily admits it. I wanted to make sure if we were to be together that we would make it work as best as we could. I wanted to make sure that she was ready to jump into a full time partner after just getting out of a marriage. My plan was for us to ask her to attend couples counseling just to make sure it did work. She was only officially divorced 4 months when she wanted me to leave my wife and be with her. I also wanted her to get things in her life on track and be sure it was what she wanted too. She just got divorced had no job and a stalking ex husband. (yes he stalked us after they were long divorced). She gave me the impression that she didn't want to wait but I think the real reason is he found attention from another man. How much of that was not wanting to wait or just the low self esteem I'll never know. Either way she is great girl otherwise I'm sure we could have worked it out but she never came to me and said she was at the point of a BU. It came out of nowhere. I told here if she was feeling that way she should have told me and we could have had hashed it all out what each of us really felt and wanted. I think the attention form the new guy was the real cause. She admitted she liked attention she was getting lately from men. With kids and all I wanted to be sure that I was making the right decision. I have total control of my life as opposed to what others have said in other posts. I just needed to know it was really she wanted and it was going to work. We both felt intense passion and love but as so many have said were we just caught up in the fog?
TheOW Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) My advice to you OP is if you are still serious about this woman and you would still leave your marriage for her then tell her. She may be on the rebound and is trying to get you out her head by any means. Personally I dont think her new relationship will last much longer, if she truly loved you there is no way she can be over you so soon. Edited May 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Goodbye Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I am. But was preparing to leave. We had some things my AP and I needed to discuss as far as living arrangements kids etc. and how we would have worked that all out. I still needed to discuss a few long term things that we never got to discuss. Did your wife know you were preparing to leave?
William Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) Thread starter, I'm going to close this for now while moderation gets a handle on the non-conforming postings and the apparently new members who've popped up, as part of our ongoing review of these forums. If you have further input or desire more comments, please alert on this posting and request the thread be re-opened. You may note some changes in the interim. Thanks. After cleaning up the worst of the infractions, and a request from the thread starter to add content, the thread is re-opened to conforming postings. Be aware that any member infracted in the thread, if continuing upon the same path which caused their infractions, will be suspended. Edited May 9, 2013 by William Thread cleanup.
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