Rock Bottom Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Hi all, Been reading these threads for a couple of days now and plucked up the courage to post. They've really helped and I think I should share my situation to ease the pressure a little. Background- GF and I were together for 7 years. We had up and downs but the love was really strong. There's a 10 year age difference, she's 26 im 36 which has always worried me but I tried to ignore it as we'd discussed it and we were cool with it. We wanted kids very soon. I have provided care for my father for 3 years as he's old and sick and we had been discussing moving abroad to live, work and start a family eventually. I didn't want to be tied to my father for the rest of his life and had arranged for other family members to care for him while we tried to start a new life. Sounds heartless but it has taken all of my emotional strength to make the decision to prioritise us. We split for 3 months in June last year while I was struggling to make the decision re.my father in which time she bought a one way ticket to South America. We got back together when I had committed to our new life and the last 5 months have been preparation to emigrate together. Really scary but really exciting! She flew out after Xmas and I followed a month later when I had raised enough money. We spent a month in paradise preparing for our new life. I had to come back for 2 months to finalise things and raise more cash. The day I landed back in the UK I called my father to check how he had been to be told that he had been diagnosed with cancer 3 days before my return. This obviously changed my/our plans totally. I told her the news and initially she wanted to come back and support me. That would have been a waste of money initially as we still didnt know what the full situation was. It turns out it will be at least 6 months of treatment. As the days passed something changed in her which I could feel happening and I probably expected but we ended up having THAT conversation. It was over, she was pursuing her dream and couldn't now give it up. She hates the UK and would resent me for having to come back (her words). As we talked over the course of a week she became more distant and pulled away. We cried and argued loads but I knew there was nothing I could do. The physical and emotional distance was too much. It's now been NC for 5 days and I am in bits. I know there's no point in communicating, it feels like a combination of fate, timing, bad luck and a weakness in our relationship has conspired to put me in the perfect s***storm. I am absolutely devastated and have never felt so alone but I've gone over over it in my head and I can't be truly angry with her or blame her for her decision. She's panicked and ran away and I can't blame her. She loved me so much when we were together and she's terrified of having to sacrifice her happiness for my sick old Dad. If I'm honest, we had an argument while away that made me think that her head had already been turned by her new life and that this was the perfect excuse to end it. It feels like it has forced her hand. This is so hard to deal with because I came back home to prepare our new life together and in an instant it has been snatched away through no fault of my own. I love her and hate her so much but I cant reconcile my feelings. I'm trying to be realistic and pragmatic about it but I'm broken. I feel selfish because 99% of what I'm feeling is sorry for the loss of my relationship, not concern for my father. Everyone is telling me that what I'm doing (caring for Dad) is the right thing to do and that I'm being an amazing son but I just feel like I've lost everthing. I feel like I was walking around thinking I was in paradise but I was actually in hell. I feel sick that someone could be so cold but I can't blame her. She feels like a complete stranger to me now. I know she's trying to protect herself but it's killing me. Is there any way for me to see this without feeling like this? So confused and hurt.
Mack05 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) Can I ask where in South America were you guys looking to move to? It's a strange move for people in the UK to make. Normally you would see Brit's head to Spain or Portugal. It means that you are closer to home but still in the sun. South America looks more like you are running away from something, not running towards something? Why does your ex hate home so much? I am just trying to get a bigger overall picture here. This is a sad story. You guys met when she was very young and you were at an age when you think about settling down. Therefore the dynamics were wrong from the start. Now I know you discussed this, but when you are in Love everything seems easy at first. "We can over come this and we can over come that". Sadly life gets in the way. In this case it was your dad's illness. There is no right or wrong in this story. Your ex is still young. She wants to get out and see the world. She is in for a shock though. On Earth there is no such place as paradise. I'm sure there are advantages to living in South America, but there will also be disadvantages. I lived on a mediterrean beach for a year and while it was awesome! I really missed home. You are doing the right thing staying for your dad. Try picture it from his shoes. He raised you, sacrificed so much for you. Now he is scared and probably feels very alone. I know he wouldn't stop you from leaving, but I'm sure he would be a little hurt. I think all this is just fate telling you that you guys are not meant to be together. If I were you, I would put all my focus on my dad. You never know when you will never see him again. Don't have regrets there. They will haunt you for the rest of your life. I know what it is like to be 36 and single (I am 37). It really does suck but you have to keep moving forward. I think you need to let your ex go and do what she has got to do. I wouldn't be bitter. It would take an extraordinary person to give up their dreams, just to stay and help with you and your dad. Those women/men are out there, but they are few and far between. If she stays she will be miserable and eventually she will start blaming you. I know how hard this must be for you. You need to tap into that inner strength that we all have. Leave her go and be the best son you can be. By showing this unselfishness it will really help with your life going forward. Sadly that's all you can do here. Just try take baby positive steps everyday until you climb out of rock bottom. Edited April 3, 2013 by Mack05
TearyEyedPride Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Wow... Yeah that's really cold, and I can't imagine how hurt you must be. Your dad is battling in a fight for his life... Imagine how you'd feel if you were with her when he lost that fight knowing you could've made a difference... would she stand by you while you grieved or would this once again selfishness to follow her dreams and be happy excuse her disregard for your feelings and situation again? It hurts... and you suffer through this pain of losing love, but think of it more as a sacrifice for your future happiness. 1
Author Rock Bottom Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Hi Mack, Thanks for the perceptive reply. Brazil. Yeah, we were probably running away. The UK is tough (careerwise/financially) at the moment and that added to my Dad's situation certainly gave us something to flee. I'm old enough and ugly enough to know unresolved problems will follow you wherever you go but we were taking a leap. I wouldn't want to regret not taking our chances. We both worked in hospitality so London was generally crazy but we'd both qualified as English teachers and had work lined up. Life has most definitely got in the way. I absolutely know this, the sense of powerlessness I feel about everything is so frustrating. I'm not religious but it certainly feels like someone is punishing me. There's been another serious family drama in the last few days which has added to everything. I'm desperately trying not to make excuses for her, I think our love just wasn't strong enough. I read the GIGS thread in full and recognised a lot of similarities. Age has obviously played it's part. That's why I know she's panicked. I probably would too but it doesn't make it any easier to take as we all know. I'm emotionally confused about every relationship I have now (friends/family/loves) as I don't know how anyone will react if I need help in the future. Basically my trust has been shot to pieces because I feel abandoned by the one person I trusted implicitly to be there when I needed them. Aaaaaarrrggggghhhhhh!!!!! The pain!!!!!!!
NoLeafClover Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 You will never find out how much parents sacrifice and how much they mean until they are gone. I have been in all kinds of bad relationships with some very negative women but not one has ever said No to the idea of my parents even living in the same house. Perhaps your situation is different, but since coming from someone who's mother has been fighting non-Hodgkin Lymphoma since Feb 2010, there is nothing uglier than cancer. If there was a time your father is ever going to need you the most, it's going to be this upcoming 6 months. Personally, I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who's having me choose between my parents and her. I can deal with name calling, drama and arguing but I can't deal with someone trying to draw a line between my father with cancer and her selfish ways of wanting to be together. my .02 cents 1
Author Rock Bottom Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Thanks for all of your kind words people. For me it's the perfect s***storm but I'm strapped to the mast for the duration, howling at the wind. I'll keep reading here to remind myself that this is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. This too shall pass.
Mack05 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) Rockbottom just try use this site. Vent anytime you need to. I feel your pain bro, I really do. This is going to be nightmare and it's only starting. You will need to find strength you didn't even know you had. The one thing I do know is, if you can come through all this you will be a better and stronger person for it. There won't be any challenge you can't conquer. In the meantime this is will be so hard. Your mind will invariably wonder. World cup 2014, Olympic games 2016. The two biggest sporting events in the world being held in Brazil and you probably wishing you were there. I am studying Brazilian Portuguese and i'm seriously thinking of moving to Florianopolis between 2014-2016 to experience the magic, so I truly understand your sense of loss at this amazing opportunity. Getting back to your ex. We all hope to meet the one. The one for me is someone who is beyond special. Who is irreplaceable. Who will always have my back (and vice versa) in good times and in bad. I feel your sense of betrayal. My story was different. My ex her father had cancer. Before he got diagnosed our relationship had run its course after 6 years. I spent the next two years being her punching bag. She hit me, abused me, treated me like dirt and I didn't leave because of her sick dad. Staying for those two years and being on the end of her abuse has had a drastic effect on my life. Years later she once tried to make friends, she has never said sorry. Sadly some people are immature and selfish. They don't live up to the expectations that we have of them. Because of this we feel let down. She is young, immature and selfish. There was always a gamble involved when starting off with a 19 year old. Sadly this gamble hasn't worked out. Maybe she will one day get a wake up call and grow out of her selfish immature ways. Maybe not. I wouldn't hate on her. She is just not one of the special one's. Giving up your dreams is a lot to ask BUT the right girl would. I know I would, without having a moments hesitation. Just be the best son you can be. Your dad must be scared. Cancer is so much bigger than a broken heart. You will meet the right girl and when you do she will be lucky to have you. In the meantime make your dad's life as happy as possible. You are a good man and good times will come. It's just sad life has to give us these tough horrible challenges along the way... I hope and pray you and your dad are at Brazil 2014 cheering for England.. Edited April 3, 2013 by Mack05 1
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