Boyfriend broke up with me and I found out I was pregnant, not coping.

[zoekowald]

Exactly as the title suggests. My ex left me about three weeks ago and I've since found out I was pregnant. He wants to be a part of the child's life, just not mine.

 

He wants me to communicate to him on how appointments go, send him ultrasound pictures and so on, only he doesn't want to come to the appointments with me or know about how I'm doing, basically he wants nothing to do with me.

 

I tried desperately to win him back, I made all the mistakes, pleading, begging, crying, bargaining, pretty much anything you shouldn't do, I did and to each letter, message or email I sent he had the same reply "I will be a father to my child, but we will never be in a relationship ever again, you're not my soulmate, you're not the one for me."

 

I'm not coping well. I don't even know where to begin. I was with this man for a year and a half, lived with him for a year and toured thailand with him for a month (he broke up with me a week after we got back) I spent every second with this man I truly loved him with my all, he's 24 and I am 21. I just don't know how to move on. I dream about him every night, wake up in tears and have a massive urge to just stay in bed all day and not move, when I go see friends I'm still thinking about him, my family tries to cheer me up, but nothing works, I am an emotional wreck, I don't know how I can move on when I am having his child, when this means he will always need to be a part of my life and our child's life, I don't know how to cope seeing him with another woman, another partner, it makes me physically ill (it hasn't happened yet, but just the thought upsets me) some days I feel like I'm coping, but the next day it's just back to square one, back to being a crying mess. I know it's only been 3 weeks and in that time, I have had contact with him, have had to see him and have stupidly tried my hardest to win him back, so I know it's still early, but I am just not coping. I don't know what to do, I am so sad all the time. Ugh.

[TaraMaiden]

Have you decided definitely, for sure, to absolutely go through with the pregnancy?

 

Because while I personally do not condone abortion, I think it's your right to choose what to do:

bear in mind this baby will not stay a baby for ever: You will be a mother for the remainder of your life - and he will be the father.

So he will be in your life - for its remainder.

 

Nobody can change his mind: But he's spot-on about the 'father to the kid, but nothing to you' part.

 

You need some form of counselling.

 

Because everything you have been through with your parents - you are set to experience with a child of your own.

 

How old was your mom when she had you?

Because you're very young.

Do your parents know?

 

Think very carefully.

[zoekowald]

Abortion, adoption neither of those are options for me. I have thought about abortion, but I just know that emotionally I would not cope with the aftermath and after thoughts, the doubt, the self hate, it would be harder for me than raising a child, and same goes for adoption.

 

My mother knows and she supports me 100% as do my other 6 siblings and my friends. My mother was 20 and married when she had my eldest brother and 33 when she had me.

 

It's not raising a child, being a mother or the life changes that a child brings that scares me, it's knowing the father will always be in my life and the fear I have of "never moving on" from him.

[TaraMaiden]

Abortion, adoption neither of those are options for me. I have thought about abortion, but I just know that emotionally I would not cope with the aftermath and after thoughts, the doubt, the self hate, it would be harder for me than raising a child, and same goes for adoption.

 

My mother knows and she supports me 100% as do my other 6 siblings and my friends. My mother was 20 and married when she had my eldest brother and 33 when she had me.

 

It's not raising a child, being a mother or the life changes that a child brings that scares me, it's knowing the father will always be in my life and the fear I have of "never moving on" from him.

 

Ok, cool. That's sorted then.

 

So fundamentally, the problem is how you feel about him.

 

The thing you have to do, sadly - is to comply.

And to be honest with you, if he is shutting off from you to this extent, you have the right to make other decisions, too.

 

Looking at it from a purely practical level, my advice would consist of the following:

In most cases where a person is dumped, I strongly, and very emphatically advise going No Contact (see my signature/link).

Now, obviously, No Contact cannot be implemented for ever.

But you DO have a choice here.

You can either partially involve your ex- or you can exclude him altogether.

 

That is:

you can focus on yourself, healing, moving on, and staying and keeping well, fit and healthy during your pregnancy - and let him know NOTHING at all throughout - (if he wants to know, let HIM make the effort....) and simply relegate him to the "No Contact across the board at all" file....

Then, when you HAVE the baby, you may be in a more fit and healed mental state to inform him that he has a son/daughter, and would he care to see his child?

Even if by that time, his 'interest' in being a father has all but disappeared, you can still claim child support from him.

 

[Please know that with no emotional connection to the mother, many 'fathers' do become distant and detached from their children. There is nothing there between mother and ex-, so even if he were to be apprised of the progress of your pregnancy, it will never guarantee his continued presence or influence.

Even if he currently guarantees it will be constant.

Don't believe him.

It happens - but it's rare. ]

 

Alternatively:

You can exclude him entirely.

Even after the baby is born.

You don't name him as the father, you don't give him access and you don't involve him in any way - and this includes on a financial basis.

 

Personally, I would recommend the former.

You need to go no Contact in order for you to be able to move on.

Should he wish to make contact, I suggest you implement a line of communication between him and your mother.

But you?

You detach from him, look to yourself, and heal.

[Seachelle1]

Tara gave some really good advice. I can't top that.

 

You know, it's cruel what he's doing but it's for the best. Having been raised in a very conservative church I know so many people who got married because they got pregnant. They were miserable.

 

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted.

 

Counseling is good. I'm going to counseling for different reasons but it sounds like you could use a kind and trained ear right now.

[uniqwa]

I honestly advise you to think about this whole situation.

Realize he is going to be tied to you regardless of not wanting to be with you..

Even though you want to be with him, having that baby will not bring him back. There is nothing you can do because that ship has sailed.. Now at least he's not telling you "if you have that baby I will hate you so much I won't even go near it" he is being responsible and in his own way supporting you by letting you know.. The child will in fact have some sort of stability.. Regardless you need to realize that having the baby.. Will do nothing to benefit your relationship with him, you miss him a lot and say you are not "coping".. Reality..

1. you have the baby you are a single mother at 21, you don't get to have freedom any longer because even though you are not in a committed relationship you now have a child to think about.

2. You will have to settle for someone much older because not a lot of "quality" men will be willing to take on the father role at such a young age.

3. Any aspirations that you have to better your future may be conflicted because you have a child and that is a serious job.

4. YOU will never be able to move on because you will always have a constant reminder. The child will inherit genetic traits thus either looking like you or the father..

If you find that having that baby will make you happy because you feel alone then do it for you, I advise you to give up on any notions you have of him being with you again, it will help you to prepare for being a single mother. Once you come to terms with that fact that you will literally be a single mother at only 21, you may not decide you want to keep it, but if you feel that you feel "alone" and the baby would make you happy then regardless of what anyone says have your baby you will be strong for doing so but your life will never be the same and it won't be a walk in the park. You will have someone else to think about.