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Rant of thank you

underwater2010

By underwater2010
in Infidelity

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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted

I want to thank both my FWH and his MOW for losing my confidence.

 

9 months out and I cannot seem to find my footing. If I react to his mood swings "Its not all about you" is the response I get. Sex has to be initiated by me. Don't get me wrong, he has to touch my hip when we go to sleep, but if I want sex I better make it known. If there is any touching outside the bedroom it is by me. Is it wrong to want to be touched without expectations by your spouse?

 

It has been asked if the BS's needs where getting met prior to the affair, since this is often an excuse used by the WS. Guess what....HELL NO they weren't. And they still aren't.

 

Where do I go from here? Do I just accept that this is what my choice in a spouse was?

 

Please people stop and think before you "STEP OUT" on your marriage. This is where you leave the ones you love.

 

Rant over.

  • Like 1
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted

It's not all about you?

 

I would think that it was all about him for a while there, right? When does it get to be about you? It sounds as if he is the poor victim in all this.

 

It also sounds like it's time for some ultimatums about what you really need. I don't think I could handle any sexual rejection at just 9 months from Dday. If he's not interested, I'd make it clear that you have other options.

  • Like 9
cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
I want to thank both my FWH and his MOW for losing my confidence.

 

9 months out and I cannot seem to find my footing. If I react to his mood swings "Its not all about you" is the response I get. Sex has to be initiated by me. Don't get me wrong, he has to touch my hip when we go to sleep, but if I want sex I better make it known. If there is any touching outside the bedroom it is by me. Is it wrong to want to be touched without expectations by your spouse?

 

It has been asked if the BS's needs where getting met prior to the affair, since this is often an excuse used by the WS. Guess what....HELL NO they weren't. And they still aren't.

 

Where do I go from here? Do I just accept that this is what my choice in a spouse was?

 

Please people stop and think before you "STEP OUT" on your marriage. This is where you leave the ones you love.

 

Rant over.

 

Infidelity aside, if your needs are not being met within the M on an ongoing basis - and I'd say physical touch and intimacy were pretty reasonable needs - you need to review whether the R is worth your investment. Are you addressing this in MC?

  • Like 2
Athens Established Member

Athens

Posted
Posted

I say all of this gently because I too am a BS and it makes me nuts that he is the one that put us in this position BUT

 

I think the nature of men that have an A is that they are insecure so when R they are worried about doing the wrong thing and you leaving them-they want so badly to make it work that they are looking for direction from you- I told my H I wish he would reach out for me more and he said, he knows how badly he hurt me and almost feels like he needs my permission to touch me because he does not want to do the wrong thing at the wrong time-he feels so badly about what he did that his self esteem is in the toilet and he at times does not feel worthy of me so he takes my lead- I explained I need to know that he wants me rather than just responding to me and he said- I want you all the time, I just don't want to mess up this gift of a second chance.

 

Perhaps your H feels the same way and although its not what you need, you need him to take initiative you may have to understand his POV and go with it until he feels worthy of you again- I know it stinks- I am in no mood to be the healer so to speak but I get where my H is coming from in a way-

 

Hope that helps!

  • Like 5
jnel921 Established Member

jnel921

Posted
Posted

6 months out our sex life has improved and I get no arguments. When H is home at night he goes to bed with me. If we don't have sex we cuddle and talk until we fall asleep.

 

Sounds like there are some issues you need to work on. Talk to your H about how this will need to change. Just because you stayed doesn't mean this I what you want. The intention should be about making the marriage stronger and better.

  • Like 1
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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
  • Author
Posted
It's not all about you?

 

I would think that it was all about him for a while there, right? When does it get to be about you? It sounds as if he is the poor victim in all this.

 

It also sounds like it's time for some ultimatums about what you really need. I don't think I could handle any sexual rejection at just 9 months from Dday. If he's not interested, I'd make it clear that you have other options.

Its not rejection....if I want it, I get it. And I get it better than it was before....all because I made clear that sex wasn't great for me before Dday.

 

I just think that for so long I have been the touchy/feely one. And before Dday that was fine considering I didn't realize what he had been up to. Now I can see he is able to make an effort, I want that. I want to feel special again. I want to be shown that he loves and wants me.

 

I think you guys are right, time to talk.

  • Like 2
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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Infidelity aside, if your needs are not being met within the M on an ongoing basis - and I'd say physical touch and intimacy were pretty reasonable needs - you need to review whether the R is worth your investment. Are you addressing this in MC?

You mean a relationship that isn't valid to other people. No offense because I know you are coming from a good place in this response, but I would rather not hear advice from people that don't respect marriage.

 

And no....I am not willing to throw away 14 yrs because I don't get something that I didn't get before. I will talk with him, but there is so much more to a marriage than getting someone needs met all the time.

 

I still a little raw about the affair and it pops up at the wrong times. And it hard not to think about the little when someone has betrayed you.

  • Like 2
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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I say all of this gently because I too am a BS and it makes me nuts that he is the one that put us in this position BUT

 

I think the nature of men that have an A is that they are insecure so when R they are worried about doing the wrong thing and you leaving them-they want so badly to make it work that they are looking for direction from you- I told my H I wish he would reach out for me more and he said, he knows how badly he hurt me and almost feels like he needs my permission to touch me because he does not want to do the wrong thing at the wrong time-he feels so badly about what he did that his self esteem is in the toilet and he at times does not feel worthy of me so he takes my lead- I explained I need to know that he wants me rather than just responding to me and he said- I want you all the time, I just don't want to mess up this gift of a second chance.

 

Perhaps your H feels the same way and although its not what you need, you need him to take initiative you may have to understand his POV and go with it until he feels worthy of you again- I know it stinks- I am in no mood to be the healer so to speak but I get where my H is coming from in a way-

 

Hope that helps!

I think you are right on the mark Athens. I need to talk with him. I would be scared as heck to do much of anything if I had betrayed him. I imagine that they are afraid to step left, right, back or forward. They see how angry and sad we are that once false move could land theirs butts right out the door. What a horrible place they have earned themselves.

 

I know he hurts and is disappointed in himself. I try to keep that in mind. I just need to let him know what I need.

  • Like 2
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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
  • Author
Posted

So I talked without attacking him. He didn't realize that I was the initiating contact majority of them time. He made efforts today which is a start. It seemed to be out of his comfort zone at times. But I think he got the message. :)

  • Like 4
Athens Established Member

Athens

Posted
Posted

I am so happy for you UW! I know, it stinks to be the healer and to feel like you have to soothe your WS, but you know, that's part of R and part of loving someone..to be able to see things from their perspective and to provide comfort even when they don't deserve it. I know that sometimes I feel like, jeez, this mess was your doing and I am doing lots of the mopping up, but in the end, it's about healing....for everyone!

  • Like 1
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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks Athens

 

I think the hard part is realizing that all issues small/large need to be address in order for the R to work. Nobody can read minds (at least not in my household). I realize how far we have come, but there is still work to do. Again, THANKS!!!!

  • Like 2
Athens Established Member

Athens

Posted
Posted

Hang in there, I am only two months in to this and yet it feels like yesterday was DDay. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I am doing my best everyday to balance on this emotional teeter-totter. Some days he says, can't you just leave it alone and I am like...well, no I can't and on other days I can. I think he is the same way because out of the blue he will say how sorry and disappointed in himself he is...I guess we are all hurting...

  • Like 2
beenburned Established Member

beenburned

Posted
Posted

For all the newly BS: Don't try to rush the reconciliation! It takes a long time to heal from betrayal, no matter if you divorce or not.

 

For me personally:

year 1 was shock, crying, and depression, year 2 the anger kicked in and it almost destroyed us, year 3 the triggers, mind movies during sex, and bad thoughts started to get few and far between, year 4 was when I truly started to feel H's change was permenant, and started having fun and enjoying our life together again!

 

My FWH never made me sorry I gave him a second chance!(d-day was 20+ years ago)

  • Like 7
Furious Established Member

Furious

Posted
Posted (edited)
I want to thank both my FWH and his MOW for losing my confidence.

 

9 months out and I cannot seem to find my footing. If I react to his mood swings "Its not all about you" is the response I get. Sex has to be initiated by me. Don't get me wrong, he has to touch my hip when we go to sleep, but if I want sex I better make it known. If there is any touching outside the bedroom it is by me. Is it wrong to want to be touched without expectations by your spouse?

 

It has been asked if the BS's needs where getting met prior to the affair, since this is often an excuse used by the WS. Guess what....HELL NO they

 

weren't. And they still aren't.

 

Where do I go from here? Do I just accept that this is what my choice in a

spouse was?

 

Please people stop and think before you "STEP OUT" on your marriage. This is where you leave the ones you love.

 

Rant over.

 

 

Seems as though a "cheater" is now commonly referred to as someone with unmet needs. A new and improved glossed over label.

 

Cheaters, and those who enable cheaters, have embraced this concept of "unmet needs" and in essence being portrayed as a sympathetic victim who had no choice but to cheat, and would not have cheated if all their needs were met 24/7.

 

 

Ironically,these cheaters...oops ....I mean persons of "unmet needs", were they meeting all the needs of their betrayed spouse, were they fulfilling their spouses needs and being fully involved in sharing responsibilities on the home front so there was more time for romance.

 

I think the 'unmet needs" concept is hogwash, unmet needs is a two way street, and the cheater doesn't own the road.

Edited by Furious
Correction
  • Like 9
beenburned Established Member

beenburned

Posted
Posted

Furious,

 

Great post!!:bunny:

  • Like 3
  • Author
underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
  • Author
Posted
For all the newly BS: Don't try to rush the reconciliation! It takes a long time to heal from betrayal, no matter if you divorce or not.

 

For me personally:

year 1 was shock, crying, and depression, year 2 the anger kicked in and it almost destroyed us, year 3 the triggers, mind movies during sex, and bad thoughts started to get few and far between, year 4 was when I truly started to feel H's change was permenant, and started having fun and enjoying our life together again!

 

My FWH never made me sorry I gave him a second chance!(d-day was 20+ years ago)

Thank you so much for the advise. I feel that things are going as good as can be expected. We are both giving it our all. Thankfully I have a place to turn when things get a little rough in my head. It gives me time to calm down and approach things in a "sane" manner during this "insane" time. Please stay with us, we need those to guide us that have been down this road before.

  • Like 1
Decorative Established Member

Decorative

Posted
Posted
Seems as though a "cheater" is now commonly referred to as someone with unmet needs. A new and improved glossed over label.

 

Cheaters, and those who enable cheaters, have embraced this concept of "unmet needs" and in essence being portrayed as a sympathetic victim who had no choice but to cheat, and would not have cheated if all their needs were met 24/7.

 

 

Ironically,these cheaters...oops ....I mean persons of "unmet needs", were they meeting all the needs of their betrayed spouse, were they fulfilling their spouses needs and being fully involved in sharing responsibilities on the home front so there was more time for romance.

 

I think the 'unmet needs" concept is hogwash, unmet needs is a two way street, and the cheater doesn't own the road.

 

I was looking through Pittman's Private Lies- to find a quote for a friend.

 

And I actually just texted another friend that reading the section from Pittman just reinforced Harley and his unmet needs theory is just... just... HOGWASH.

 

I actually think in addition to being hogwash, it can harm the betrayed spouse. By making them suffer under the illusion that they have control over another person's behavior.

 

Grrrrr.

  • Like 3
ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

UnderWater,

It is always hard for me to Post to your threads because of All the similarities. From length of marriage to H's personality, it's eerily similar.

But after reading the topic, I felt it important to tell you that whatever sense of entitlement, ego, and justification he has Must become past tense w/R as his vision going forward.

My H held on to every last shred of self entitled, I'm a victim too bullsh*t, until I unloaded my (and I'm still not proud of it) laptop toward his general diirection.

I would NO longer allow his side comments or "meet me half way" crap.

So you know what I did?

I TOLD HIM SO!!

I told him EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING that I was feeling thinking needing and if he didn't like it or think it fair he could walk I wouldn't try nd stop him.

I TOLD him I would let him Know when I'd be able to handle more of a team effort but right now he Had to pick up the brunt of it for now.

 

UnderWater, we want to Think our H's will "get the hint" but they Won't most times. Our H's NEED to be told and using small words when it comes to what we need.

It works.

It works for Big thing...

and little things. (You'd be amazed the joy H finds in a little verbal sharing... "no. To the left a smidge, okay now up... that's it"!!! I swear, he wears a bigger grin than me when I've communicated well**;) )

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