MarquisDeSade Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 My girlfriend and I have always enjoyed a rather adventurous sex life. You name it, I reckon there’s a good chance we have tried it. The only line we draw is that it is just the two of us, we have no desire to involve other people. Six months ago she decides that she wants us to go to a swingers club. She has no desire for another partner but wanted us to “perform” while others watched. I gave it some thought and after some investigating and finding that there wouldn’t be any unwelcome contact I decided we could go ahead with it. So we went, but it all didn’t go according to plan. Basically (and ashamedly) I couldn’t maintain an erection. Performance anxiety I guess? As adventurous as I am I guess I am still rather private and playing the exhibitionist obviously doesn’t suit me. We have been few times since for the same result. I have ruled out a medical reason as I experience nothing of this when not being watched. I fact when we have had outdoor sex the thought of being watched has only heightened the experience but once I know for sure I am being watched (they literally stand around the bed) I lose the ability to maintain it. None of that is a problem as far as I was concerned, just something I am not into. The problem is that my girlfriend sees it a little differently. Without going into detail I have basically been put on notice to perform next time or move aside and let someone who can. She doesn’t want to split from me, just have someone else for this public performance she is longing for. I am quite obviously not comfortable with this and have told her so. She just claims that her horizons are expanding and we have always agreed not to hold back (which is true). She had reiterated time and again that she wants her future to be with me and only me but it comes with a caveat that it’s only as long as I can perform in public. If I can’t she still wants the rest of her life with me but these public performances will include someone else. She has even suggested that she will do these performances with another woman so I will remain her only man. I really don’t think that makes much of a difference. I’m guessing most people will respond with “get rid of her” and similar. I respect those responses but that is not why I am here. What I want to know is has anyone overcome performance anxiety issues before and if so how? I realize it may only be a short term fix and she may get more demanding and it all may fall apart eventually but I have invested 12 years in this and I really want to do everything I can (apart from allowing her to do what would basically amount to cheating). There is a significant age difference that may be coming in to play, but it has never been an issue previously and has not been mentioned at all.
Keenly Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 find some viagra to just get it done, OR tell her that if she lets another man touch her your out. That's looking like your options .
Author MarquisDeSade Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 find some viagra to just get it done, OR tell her that if she lets another man touch her your out. That's looking like your options . Yes it will be over if she chooses to continue down the path of another. The viagra option I am unfamiliar with. I thought it was for people that could not get an erection. While I am in this boat in certain situations it is not a permanent thing. Maybe I can pluck up the courage to discuss this with my Doctor.
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 This is phukking ridiculous, if you'll pardon the irony. You have different turn-ons. Asking you to definitely perform, or else, next time, is like demanding her nipples get erect when you fondle her, or that she becomes adequately wet on demand. It can't be done so easily, it needs the right atmosphere and condition. My friend: Her demand is unreasonable. Frankly, you're not a performing seal, and the reality doesn't do it for you, like it does for her. If she can't get over that, then basically, however 'free and liberal' your attitudes are, there is still a sexual incompatibility there. That's disrespectful of her. Frankly? Tell her to go find a more radical exhibitionist. 2
Author MarquisDeSade Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 My friend: Her demand is unreasonable. Frankly, you're not a performing seal, and the reality doesn't do it for you, like it does for her. If she can't get over that, then basically, however 'free and liberal' your attitudes are, there is still a sexual incompatibility there. That's a pretty accurate summation. However I have learnt over the years that partners are not always on the same page at the same point in there lives. Sometimes there must be compromise. It may mean one partner not doing what they wished or the other partner doing something they would otherwise not (I know that view wont be popular) or of course anywhere between the two. She had done things in they past that I wanted to explore while she was unsure and I feel it as almost my duty to grant her the same consideration. I am more than willing to participate in what she is looking for but simply am physically unable. If I am able to overcome that, either with medication as one poster suggested or maybe other means then I am more than happy to make her fantasy a reality.
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 You're not getting my point: She may have conceded at times to requests of yours, but did those requests put her in a socially vulnerable and 'exposed' position? Did thos requests involve her taking any substances to 'enhance' her performance? What she is asking of you takes rather more than 'compromise'. She is asking for you to put a psychological impediment aside AND to do something physically which the situation prevents you from doing. This may entail taking a chemical drug, with side effects. Viagra doesn't 'do it' for everyone, and I know a guy who took viagra who had bad side effects to his temperament. it made him more aggressive and it actually frightened his wife. His sexual prowess was increased, but he was a lot 'rougher' in bed than she was comfortable with. And I don't mean just physically. I'm not saying this will definitely happen with you, but look at this logically: When will it plateau, or stop? How far with this will she want to go? When the excitement wanes on this action, where will she want to 'go' next? How far are YOU willing to go to accommodate her? See my point? 1
Author MarquisDeSade Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 You're not getting my point: She may have conceded at times to requests of yours, but did those requests put her in a socially vulnerable and 'exposed' position? Did thos requests involve her taking any substances to 'enhance' her performance? What she is asking of you takes rather more than 'compromise'. She is asking for you to put a psychological impediment aside AND to do something physically which the situation prevents you from doing. This may entail taking a chemical drug, with side effects. Viagra doesn't 'do it' for everyone, and I know a guy who took viagra who had bad side effects to his temperament. it made him more aggressive and it actually frightened his wife. His sexual prowess was increased, but he was a lot 'rougher' in bed than she was comfortable with. And I don't mean just physically. I'm not saying this will definitely happen with you, but look at this logically: When will it plateau, or stop? How far with this will she want to go? When the excitement wanes on this action, where will she want to 'go' next? How far are YOU willing to go to accommodate her? See my point? Yes TaraMaiden I do see your point and have have thought this through on many levels. To answer you points, She has never taken substances to enhance her performance but I think she would if needed. The things I asked to do put her in a very vulnerable position where she had no control and had to trust me explicitly. I wont touch on the details but even though she was petrified she did that for me knowing what it meant. She is now comfortable with this situation and it is part of our regular activities. I can see the same happening with the situation we are currently in. I may only need "help" a few times. Rest assured I will do my research before I go anywhere near viagra. When will it plateau, or stop? I am not sure I want it to. I want to go along for the ride. At the moment I am unable, I hope to overcome that. My biggest concern is that she is willing (or at least she says she is) to put our relationship on the line to do this. I suspect she is bluffing and would never go through with it with another person but I cannot be positive and hope not to get into a situation where we see if it's a bluff or not.
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 ...So fundamentally, what is bothering you is the ultimatum? Ok. Notwithstanding the situation you find yourselves in, that's grossly disrespectful and extremely insulting. "If i don't get this from you, I'll find it somewhere else"....? That hardly seems conducive to a mature and reasoned discussion on boundaries and experimentation. Does it? I hate to say this, but to be brazenly frank, she doesn't sound like a keeper. She sounds like a funster - and if she's willing now to consider switching dancers, I would question her dedication to exclusivity. Right now. 1
Author MarquisDeSade Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 ...So fundamentally, what is bothering you is the ultimatum? Ok. Notwithstanding the situation you find yourselves in, that's grossly disrespectful and extremely insulting. "If i don't get this from you, I'll find it somewhere else"....? That hardly seems conducive to a mature and reasoned discussion on boundaries and experimentation. Does it? I hate to say this, but to be brazenly frank, she doesn't sound like a keeper. She sounds like a funster - and if she's willing now to consider switching dancers, I would question her dedication to exclusivity. Right now. Well of course the ultimatum bothers me. But I don't believe it to be a true ultimatum as I doubt she would follow through with it but I don't wish to test that theory. We have been together 12 years, she is a keeper believe me. Maybe she is being a little irrational right now so I can understand from the picture I have painted why you would believe her to be less than trustworthy. All I can say is there is so much more than this little tidbit that would paint her as an angel. I figure in 12 years I can cut her some slack on this one. If she does come good on her ultimatum then it will turn out that your observation is correct and I will address the situation accordingly.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 From her perspective, according to you, she's been petrified of some of the things you wanted to do together, but acquiesced and put herself in a very vulnerable position to satisfy your needs. Now she's asking you to do the same. Relationships are a give and take with both people making sacrifices at various points. Things aren't stable when overall it's a largely one-sided deal. I can understand why she is being fairly hard-nosed about this, and I feel it's reasonable to expect you to at least try hard (pun not intended) given the type of relationship you have and what she has done for you thus far. On a different note, as TaraMaiden asked, where does this all end? Sure, your increasingly unusual requests of each other are arousing, exciting, and fun at first. But even boundary pushing stops being arousing and can become boring and passe after a while if that's the only way you can think of to introduce novelty. It's the new expected...meh...blah. There are many effective ways to keep a long-term relationship fresh and sexually interesting, adventurous, and exciting. I would encourage you to be a little more open and creative in your thinking about novelty and the unexpected as it pertains to your relationship.
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Maybe you also need to examine your 'performance anxiety issues', accept that there is a possibility they're 'age-related' (see whether they are... are you still ok 'unobserved'...?) If they're not, then perhaps you're both just going to have to take things gently, understand that while the mind is willing, the body may not be.... Things cannot last for ever. Nothing does. And TbH, if this is a hang-up of yours - then it's a 'hang-up'. Sometimes, insistence and 'psychological force' will make a situation worse, not better. Pressure to perform may work in some instances. but not necessarily all. 1
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