jlola Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Before the affair. But the affair will break the marriage. A Cheating Man’s Heart… Posted on November 3, 2012 Based on a true story… I love my woman, no doubt. If she needed somebody in her corner, I’d be there rain, sleet, hail, or snow. I’d do anything for her. I’d lay down my life if it meant saving hers, give my last to see to her needs being met, fight to the death in her honor if I had to. This undoubtedly is the woman I want to spend my life with. But there’s just this one thing.. I cheated. And I did it again. After the first time it was like…I don’t know it was like a drug. I experienced the high then immediately the low mixed with guilt. But ultimately I craved it again, and more so the next time. I can’t blame the dealers, they used me like I use them, but stopping my abuse didn’t reverse the damage. I don’t even feel in control any more. I’m disgusted with the straight face I can put on when she looks me in the eye and tells me she loves me, yet I reciprocate the message because my heart is above my waist out of any outsider’s reach. While emotionally faithful as I may be, physically I no longer am and to her, there may be no separation. If she finds out she may forgive me, she may not, but she’ll never be the same. A broken trust will deal a fatal blow to her peace of mind, so I’m willing to die with this guilt no matter how heavy the burden gets. They say if you really love someone you’ll just tell them the truth. Like it’s that simple. But the truth is looking to take away the best thing that ever happened to me on the account of my aptitude to make mistakes…. but its ability to destroy is only in its potential to be known. Like I set a train in motion that can’t be stopped without the power to turn back time…and my options are to either let it collide with her head on, or to derail it off course to temporarily save both of our lives. Maybe it’s a selfish ambition, but in the same way I hold her heart, she holds mine. To lose her is to lose both and I don’t know how to brace myself for that or if I even want to. So many things running across my mind right now that I just don’t understand and the world has no empathy for my sentiments. They just dehumanize me. People can’t fathom a love that lives in disloyalty…but everyone loves God and is disloyal to Him. Maybe it’s possible to believe in something you can’t live up to. The plight of trying to walk along the lines of perfection where the fellow imperfects draw them only adds to the frustration. When you’re wrong, nobody cares that you’re human but that doesn’t change that fact that I am. I’m having to grow up at her expense and playing Russian Roulette with our love in the process. I want an answer, but I am the problem, incapable of being understood.
thomasb Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Guess what? I'm one of those men who not only told the O.W. I loved my wife and wasn't going to ever leave her. And by the way, there sure as hell was nothing wrong with my marriage, my wife, or our sex life. You can believe what you wish but that is fact. The problem was me. Me. Only me. I was a stupid selfish ass who didn't think with any body part other than a penis. And whether you wish to believe it or not, that particular part has no brain. It is totally unthinking and heartless. By the time I woke up to what I was doing I figured my wife would leave me. She had been given enough reason to. But my wife, my wonderful, sweet, forgiving wife has a hell of a lot of compassion and forgiveness. And neither of us are cowards. We survived and now we thrive. Why? We put a hell of a lot of hard work into it. And now I have built up my character to what it should have always been. 5
Author jlola Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Guess what? I'm one of those men who not only told the O.W. I loved my wife and wasn't going to ever leave her. And by the way, there sure as hell was nothing wrong with my marriage, my wife, or our sex life. You can believe what you wish but that is fact. The problem was me. Me. Only me. I was a stupid selfish ass who didn't think with any body part other than a penis. And whether you wish to believe it or not, that particular part has no brain. It is totally unthinking and heartless. By the time I woke up to what I was doing I figured my wife would leave me. She had been given enough reason to. But my wife, my wonderful, sweet, forgiving wife has a hell of a lot of compassion and forgiveness. And neither of us are cowards. We survived and now we thrive. Why? We put a hell of a lot of hard work into it. And now I have built up my character to what it should have always been. Thank you. This is a reality check for many OW who insist the marriage must have been broken "before" the affair so it is fair game. Lots of times it is not. But something new will divert the energy that should go in the marriage. This is another post from same blogger. Why do we buy things we can’t afford? Why do we drink more alcohol than we can handle? Because our aspirations tend to write checks that our judgment doesn’t cash. Just like you, we also have the misconception that true love will shape our urges along with our actions. That’s what we’re sold by love songs, the Twilight saga, and other bull**** media that knows exactly what we want to hear. However, our hormones don’t fall in love when we do. They’re going to (be ready to) do what we’ve trained them to do, not what we learned in church was the right thing or promised that one night we looked you in your eye. This is not to say that men can’t settle down after having a promiscuous past, but he definitely has to mature past that part of his life. It’s not about you or how he feels about you. Whether or not he’s loyal doesn’t depend on his level of affection the same way how broke you are doesn’t depend on how expensive something is. You either are or you aren’t. There’s also this blissful feeling you get when you first realize you’ve found somebody who is perfect for you. It’s a false advertisement of what it’s going to be like over the course of the years to come(if you make it that long). They’re constantly on your mind, there’s no cuddling that’s too close, and you love everything about them because there’s an infatuation and true love mixture that’s simply unreal. I call it the First Rep phenomena. When you’re working out, you might do your first squat rep and say ‘hmm, that wasn’t so bad, I can do this at least 20 more times.’ Then comes the lactic acid through your legs, tightening of your muscles, and the shortness of breath that’s a reminder that you’re new to this and probably need to pace yourself if you’re going to make it to work tomorrow. So when men feel the First Rep phenomena, we think that it’s the feeling of “Ok I’m Ready Now” finally coming to save us from ourselves. But when the love is no longer new, and nobody cares about you being a cute couple anymore, and you start noticing habits that annoy the hell out of you, you come back down to earth; and you know what’s waiting on us when we get there? A responsibility to maintain the relationship even without the superhuman strength that initial blissful feeling gave us. That’s when we’re faced with the grim reality that being faithful isn’t a feeling, it’s a mindset. A mindset that’s everything but the one we developed over the years because the world taught us how to get what we want, not how to keep what we need. 1
William Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Moderation would appreciate members refraining from posting the words of others without attribution, and keep quoted passages to 250 words or less. This is due to copyright laws and instructions from the site owner. Thanks. 1
Jim Jimmy James Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 However, our hormones don’t fall in love when we do. It is not hormones, it is Phenethylamine which releases norepinephrine and dopamine into the blood stream and the propinquity effect.
Finally Settled Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 (edited) You are correct that the marriage is not always broken, but very often it is. Below is an entry I posted on my blog a little more than a year ago. I will apologize now if the pasting causes any problems with the text or format. Another session with T today and I am both emotionally andphysically drained. I’m finding it verydifficult to untangle the past when all I want to do is move to thefuture. I grudgingly admit I am nowbeginning to understand that moving forward requires looking backward. I don’t care to look back because I dislikeseeing my failures and shortcomings littered amongst the ruins. It saddens me to see, in retrospect, thetimes our love suffered blows neither of us chose to fix. It saddens me she was so arrogant to think wewould magically overcome what we both saw as being wrong betweenus. It disgusts me that I was so weak Iaccepted it and allowed myself to believe in the magic along with her. She swept the dirt and I held up the corner ofthe rug. We both trod lightly upon the rugto smooth the bumps outlining the dirt. We did it as a team, hand in hand, and somehow it kept us bonded foryears. She sees it now as I saw itthen. Her regret is that she neverheeded my requests. My regret is that Inever spoke them loudly enough. I brokeher heart with my betrayal and she broke mine with her indifference. There was nothing wrong and there waseverything wrong. I miss who she wasbefore the years changed us and I am disappointed to not have turned out to bethe man I promised I would be. I’ve had no response from the message sent last week. In my heart I fear that the years apart havebeen too much of a betrayal as well. I’mfinding it difficult to find faith right this very moment. It would serve me right for what I did toeach of them, and to my children. I feelas though I’m drowning, and of my own doing, the time has come there is no oneon the shore with a life ring. Tomorrow will be better, of that I am quite certain. The smile of my youngest warms my heart andrestores faith even at the worst of times. One further night of sleep till our day together. I still spend time in a group of men who have cheated on their spouses and I have witnessed very few who claim their marriage was not flawed to the point of being broken. The few who claim the marriage is still intact are primarily serial cheaters who feel little, or no, remorse for their actions. Those who felt their marriages were broken are quick to add their actions (pre-affair) to what created that state of being. Most, like myself, are not shirking their role as the betraying spouse and the creator of the destruction that affects so many. Edited April 3, 2013 by Finally Settled Tidying
waterwoman Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I still spend time in a group of men who have cheated on their spouses and I have witnessed very few who claim their marriage was not flawed to the point of being broken. The few who claim the marriage is still intact are primarily serial cheaters who feel little, or no, remorse for their actions. Those who felt their marriages were broken are quick to add their actions (pre-affair) to what created that state of being. Most, like myself, are not shirking their role as the betraying spouse and the creator of the destruction that affects so many. So reconciliation is unlikely to succeed?
beenburned Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 FS, I feel your views are based on the group's history, which isn't what the majority of affairs are about. Stats say the majority of affairs are sexual only, such as one night stands or FBs. It doesn't have anything to do with whether they love their spouse or how good or bad their marriage is. They just desire/lust to have sex with a different person. There are affairs in which people fall in love with each other, and want to end their marriage, and start a new life with the AP.(which is what my sister did) All marriages have good times and bad times and lots of problems, that's life!! But to think that having an affair is going to make it better is totally unrealistic. It is like throwing a stick of dynamite and not expecting a lot of damage to occur. 1
Finally Settled Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 FS, I feel your views are based on the group's history, which isn't what the majority of affairs are about. Stats say the majority of affairs are sexual only, such as one night stands or FBs. It doesn't have anything to do with whether they love their spouse or how good or bad their marriage is. They just desire/lust to have sex with a different person. There are affairs in which people fall in love with each other, and want to end their marriage, and start a new life with the AP.(which is what my sister did) All marriages have good times and bad times and lots of problems, that's life!! But to think that having an affair is going to make it better is totally unrealistic. It is like throwing a stick of dynamite and not expecting a lot of damage to occur. Beenburned, I never said that my comments were representative of the great majority. I was very clear that it was a group that I am an active participant in, and don't believe I made it sound as though my comments were definitive answers to any questions. You are most welcome to believe 'stats'. I have been around enough to know how easily they can be skewed and tend not to quote them for often at all. I trust what I see and the people who are physically beside me. I find it quite interesting how easily you dismiss my experiences. You are so very correct in regards to the ups and downs of marriages. My own is tribute to such fluctuations. I also would question why you brought up the thoughts of having an affair as a remedy to a broken marriage. I do not believe that was something I addressed in my first post. As you can see, I threw the sticks of dynamite and saw the damage it caused.
Finally Settled Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 So reconciliation is unlikely to succeed? No, I am afraid not. I stayed within my marriage for several years and subjected my exwife to a false reconciliation. Eventually I saw what it was doing to both she and I, and I gave her the freedom she should have been granted years before.
Author jlola Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 No marriage is perfect and as saying says "familiarity breeds contempt". Even best friendships have ups and downs and most friends do not live together. I believe some people marry those who they are not compatible with. they either settled,outgrown or grew apart. But in those cases infidelity is not the answer. To be able to lie,deceive someone day in and day out,emotionally harm and embarrass your children until YOU are ready to leave the situation says a alot about the person. My needs come before anyone's. Affairs usually mean if they are found out your marriage is over. So why take the risk of hurting everyone if the inevitable may come anyway? Why not leave with dignity. It never made sense to me. Thank goodness my mother who was in a bad marriage with a cheating,selfish immature man did not cope in the same way he did though I am sure she had way more opportunity to cheat than he. She showed dignity and class and never stooped to his level. An example to show there are other ways to cope. You teach your children through actions,not words. 2
beenburned Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 jlola, I think the term "the marriage is broken" misrepresents what a marriage is, which is two seperate individual people. Just because one person might be "broken" due to many different reasons, does not mean the other spouse is. Nor does it mean the marriage as a whole is. I think the most common problem in a marriage is how we were taught to communicate and cope with problems within our family of origins. (which we bring with us into the marriage) Too many people believe if you have a good marriage, the spouse won't cheat on you.(and unfortunately nothing could be farther from the truth) FS, I am glad you have the foresight to recognize all of the ways in which your actions contributed to the breakup of your marriage! Your thoughts and feelings in this matter are just as valid as anyone elses. And I do recognize that a lot of marriages are bad due to the two spouses being not compatiable. And in a long term marriage are more prone to fall in a rut of daily survival. 1
Got it Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 FS, I feel your views are based on the group's history, which isn't what the majority of affairs are about. Stats say the majority of affairs are sexual only, such as one night stands or FBs. It doesn't have anything to do with whether they love their spouse or how good or bad their marriage is. They just desire/lust to have sex with a different person. There are affairs in which people fall in love with each other, and want to end their marriage, and start a new life with the AP.(which is what my sister did) All marriages have good times and bad times and lots of problems, that's life!! But to think that having an affair is going to make it better is totally unrealistic. It is like throwing a stick of dynamite and not expecting a lot of damage to occur. "psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman offers tips on fixing a fractured relationship." "we have to remember to nurture the emotional end of the relationship. in my study even cheating men, only 7% of them said it was about the sex. 48%, it was about the emotional connectedness. so everybody has to remember, if we nurture that emotional connection, that's the best protection and that ultimately builds trust and protects our love." Coping with trust and fear in your relationship - Video on TODAY.com
Author jlola Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Wow!! The woman is nervous this man is going to do to her exactly what she was willing to do to someone else. pretty messed up.
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