My bf probably has Asperger's Syndrome. Now my concern is..

[sunshine001]

Our ages for reference: I am 29 (female), he is 35 (male)

 

I have done a lot, and a lot of research on Asperger's. All the symptoms match.

1. He does not like hugs
   
2. His emotional side is completely off
   
3. He does not understand body language (If I am inconvenienced by something he won't get it)
   
4. He is extremely stubborn
    
   and more...
   

 

I mention the above things, however, he hasn't gone to the doctor to get a confirmation. Plus, I also do not say that because he is a hard core programmer working 12 hours a day + 3 more hours after work for his start-up. That would be a stereotype but I can 100% tell after all my research and have been better able to adjust with him now after figuring out that he might have Asperger's.

 

I am sort of in a complicated relationship with him. He asked me to move out in Jan due to differences. I did. He was sad I was sad. But I want to work on this relationship so does he. We are just getting back into it and he wants to take it very slow. I have a feeling he is right about taking it slow (it's another thing that according to him he is always right lol! haha.. jk). So it is going to be us seeing each other once a week, every Saturday for 3-4 hours. No phone calls except one or two a week - that's his plan for getting back on track with the relationship.

 

Now, my question is .. I am afraid it will end up being that way for months and then years and that he might get comfortable in this situation while I would always be sad meeting him just once a week with very few phone calls (The reason our living in situation didn't work is because in spite of living with him I was barely getting to even talk to him, forget about seeing him! I expressed my concerns way too many times and he got upset and made me move out). Now that we have started fresh I can't really voice my opinion as to what I want because he won't agree anyways as he was the one who made me move out. I love him a lot and he loves me too. It is just that he has Asperger's I believe so maybe he doesn't think from an emotional perspective. I want to be able to go along with his ideas but the long-term fear of being in the same situation forever is scaring me. What should I do to get over this feeling and how should I make it work for me? Thanks for your answers in advance.

Edited April 3, 2013 by sunshine001

[iris219]

To make it work you have accept that this is how he is. You have to be ok with not getting your emotional needs met by him. In many ways, you will be in the relationship alone. It will be a very lonely, empty existence.

 

My ex had asperger's. Your description of your BF sounds exactly like my ex. My life with my ex was miserable and I don't wish that experience on anyone.

[somedude81]

I'm curious as to who/why you got into a relationship with somebody with asperger's.

 

The traits don't appear to be something that women would generally be attracted to.

[SpiralOut]

I want to be able to go along with his ideas but the long-term fear of being in the same situation forever is scaring me. What should I do to get over this feeling and how should I make it work for me? Thanks for your answers in advance.

 

Your gut is telling you something. I would never advise someone to go against their gut reactions. I'm wondering what you are getting out of this relationship.

[sunshine001]

I don't like hugs or people touching me.

I'm stubborn.

I can be emotional or a rock depending on the situation.

 

Am I autistic? It would explain a lot actually.

 

Mr. Soul there is lot more than that. His honesty is to admire for and to an extent extremely insensitive and shocking. Describes everything in grave detail. He cannot figure out what I want or anybody wants. He will talk about his favorite subject for hours without noticing a bit. He is a loner.. He just is in his own world. Socially quite awkward, extremely insensitive to feelings, avoids eye contact, stares inappropriately. And there are many other examples I can mention... These are just a few..

[Keenly]

This sounds like the stereotypical "guy"

[sunshine001]

How did you two end up together?

 

It is just that I love him a lot and care a lot about him. Would give everything in this world to make this relationship work. But the more I try, the more it goes downhill. He just pushes back and just doesn't understand that I only want good for us and have good intentions. in a mess but still trying. I tend to not give up that easy. He is the first man I genuinely fell in love with and is a really nice man. Due to him having a chance of Asperger's things are quite difficult but in spite of that I do not want to give up don't know why but that's the situation.

[somedude81]

This sounds like the stereotypical "guy"

Doesn't sound like me at all.

 

That must mean I'm Superman.

[ThaWholigan]

Being that I am an autistic man with both aspergers and high functioning autism diagnosis, I can tell you that it is likely extremely difficult for him to process his emotions to an extent that he feels capable of expressing them. Fortunately you haven't seen him meltdown yet.

 

As for the hugging thing - that's likely sensory issues. I think the big issue here is communication on his part (which is likely to be difficult) and his comfort zone which unfortunately barely seems to include you. I understand this man but even I am unable to comprehend what you get out of this relationship. One visit a week? No phonecalls? Dude is in his own world for true!

 

I get like that occasionally. Don't like to be disturbed when I'm doing stuff. But he's taking the bisuit.

 

If you really love this guy and you are right about him loving you, then you are gonna have to stick it out and hope that at some point he let's you in. I fear that won't happen. It may surprise you but my advice is for you to perhaps find someone new. He hasn't even ackowledged if he is even autistic, and this is speculation - how is he going to develop the emotional intelligence to be able to connect with you?

 

Its your call.