MissIndependant Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Hi all, I have been seeing a guy (and yes sleeping with) since January this year. We aren't officially together in the GF/BF sense. I'm 24, he's 30. We talk daily through text, fb, phone and face to face. We have sleep overs, dates, and do things with both our families and friends. We see each other at least every few days. So it's like we are in a relationship and yet we aren't. So that's a brief overview of the state of things. He is sometimes a little hot & cold, which makes it hard for me to know how to interpret some things. What I would like to know is... Is this normal behaviour at this point of a new relationship? I've never done the dating thing before so I am unsure of how quickly/slowly things should progress. He wants to take things slow because "just that im not ready to jump in the deep end yet" and "isnt fully ready to commit yet" but " dont get me wrong I like where we are heading ok. I enjoy you and being with you". Some insight from people with a little more worldy experience than me would be greatly appreciated.
Drseussgrrl Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Ok - tough love here. When a man is nuts about you, he wants to make you his girlfriend. Plain and simple. If that doesn't happen within the first two months it doesn't usually happen at all. He's keeping you at arms length, but gets all the benefits of a relationship. 12
kiss_andmakeup Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Ok - tough love here. When a man is nuts about you, he wants to make you his girlfriend. Plain and simple. If that doesn't happen within the first two months it doesn't usually happen at all. He's keeping you at arms length, but gets all the benefits of a relationship. This. I don't think I've ever dated a guy for more than a month without there being a conversation about exclusivity - and in the past it's actually usually been initiated by him. A few months is more than enough time to know if you want to be in a relationship with someone. His verdict on you appears to be "no." Let him know that you're ready for a relationship and that you need to move on if he isn't. And be prepared to actually follow through. 1
Author MissIndependant Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Thanks for the feedback. We've had the exclusivity talk and the feeling is mutual I that we both don't want to see other people. He is an all or nothing person so for him committing means living together, combining finances and all things along those lines. Not saying I'm not open to that but all I want to know is are we in a relationship. Any ideas how to broach that subject?
aussietigerwolf Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I have/had the same problem with a guy (both mid 30's) and he gives me all the same excuses... Plus a few more. He can't say when he'll know what he wants . So I could really spend years pining over a guy who will never be really mine while I reject awesome guys who do know. So I don't him and ended up meeting an awesome guy who after a month, does know what he wants.
neveragain34 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 If he needs more time, he may be seeing other people still. I think you need to pull back a little (less contact, not always available, etc). Read the book, "you lost him at hello"; it will offer some great insight on this exact situation.
Noproblem Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I think it's better to make yourself busy and not available at his calls for more than once and from his reaction you will figure out if he's really serious or not! 1
ChessPieceFace Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Casual sex is a mistake and this is more proof of that. If you can't even commit to someone as a BF/GF you shouldn't be screwing them. And then wondering why things aren't progressing properly into a relationship. Gee, I wonder why.
SoleMate Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 He's happy with the status quo; you aren't. In fact, it sounds like you're even afraid to ask him if the deal is now official BF/GF. I've never done the dating thing before so I am unsure of how quickly/slowly things should progress. There is no set rate; it's just a question of what both people want. A reasonable & sensible man who was willing and able to commit would already have asked for exclusivity, IMO. A better question to ask would be, "How can I make sure I know we're headed to, or have reached, official commitment of the type I want before I get too attached?" 1
Author MissIndependant Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Casual sex is a mistake and this is more proof of that. If you can't even commit to someone as a BF/GF you shouldn't be screwing them. And then wondering why things aren't progressing properly into a relationship. Gee, I wonder why. ^^You know sarcasm isn't helpful right? To everyone else ; you all seem to be on the same point here. Thanks for the advice and I will definately try the pulling back a bit approach and see how things go. Sometimes you just need to talk things out so thanks for listening.
Treasa Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Ok - tough love here. When a man is nuts about you, he wants to make you his girlfriend. Plain and simple. If that doesn't happen within the first two months it doesn't usually happen at all. He's keeping you at arms length, but gets all the benefits of a relationship. Yup, this.
hudson701 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 I have been in love only once- with my ex girlfriend. I fell hard and fast, as did she. At the 6 week mark we officially became a couple after bringing up the exclusivity talk. She initiated it, asking 'what are we?' Before she'd even finished the sentence I'd said 'your my gf'. I would have asked her at the one week mark lol I was that mad for her. Seriously, you are being played like a fiddle until something better comes along. 6 months is a long time- if he was madly in love with you he'd have know almost immediately. Get out now because there is someone out there who will be crazy in love with you, and want to be with you ASAP. Harsh but I am a man and know exactly how males think- we're all the same when it comes to FWB. I've done it before myself and am not proud of it. 2
Author MissIndependant Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 Hudson701 - Thanks for a bit of male perspective. I forgot to mention in my OP that he and I both got out of serious relationships in December. Me four years, him nine years. We met after these breakups and were not the reason for them. Do you think time has any bearing on this situation? I'm not saying I want to wait around for him to make up his mind of figure out how he feels, more so we met each other at a time that was not optimal for either of us and would it be better to back off and give both our hearts time to heal?
SoleMate Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Why buy the cow when you can have no strings attached sex with it whenever you want. Let's get the mods to move this to the Bestiality forum! 1
syw0806 Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 OP- I'm in the exact same situation as yours. I'm in early 20s his in early 30s. I met this guy in February and it's been 2 mos, we acting like a couple, just not in a label. he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, but I know for sure he cares a lot about me and he doesn't want to lose me. and my guy was saying the same thing that he likes the progress we're having now.. and he mentioned once about his crazy exes, so I don't know if that affected him, but somehow it seems he takes the 'gf/bf' status very seriously and is scared of it. I know he is only seeing me, he cares me alot, so and so, so I don't feel insecure about this relationship now im having with him...at all. so I just leave it be. I don't want to give him any pressure.. I think this relationship just naturally takes to the place where we just don't have to have like 'be my girlfriend' talk. we act like couples, fight like couples, do favors for eachother, and I know for sure if I need him call him, he'll be there for me. He actually mentioned me few times that I'm his girl, and call me my honey stuffs, so I guess we are just settled that way lol and I know he won't be just disappeared one day and saying you never even were my girlfriend..something like that jerk line lol I know many couples...I should say maybe people lol staying together without labeling girlfriend/boyfriend.. for different reasons. I saw a lady says it's teenager thing to have like can you be my girlfriend talk, and some other people, I saw them saying it just naturally happens and we both know it.... so I guess how you feel secure about this guy n the relationship is the key. do you think he's still dating around, searching for better ones and that's why he can't commit? If you want to put the labels, ask him. He may not like it or get scared, but if you already see his family and act like a couple, he must know how he feels toward you. or you can just be blunt, go like 'I don't understand why you still not sure about me and still hasn't made it official. if we will be staying like this, I'm not in it' something like that line. He doesn't want to lose you, he will make it commitment.
Author MissIndependant Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 OP- I'm in the exact same situation as yours. I'm in early 20s his in early 30s. I met this guy in February and it's been 2 mos, we acting like a couple, just not in a label. he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, but I know for sure he cares a lot about me and he doesn't want to lose me. and my guy was saying the same thing that he likes the progress we're having now.. and he mentioned once about his crazy exes, so I don't know if that affected him, but somehow it seems he takes the 'gf/bf' status very seriously and is scared of it. I know he is only seeing me, he cares me alot, so and so, so I don't feel insecure about this relationship now im having with him...at all. so I just leave it be. I don't want to give him any pressure.. I think this relationship just naturally takes to the place where we just don't have to have like 'be my girlfriend' talk. we act like couples, fight like couples, do favors for eachother, and I know for sure if I need him call him, he'll be there for me. He actually mentioned me few times that I'm his girl, and call me my honey stuffs, so I guess we are just settled that way lol and I know he won't be just disappeared one day and saying you never even were my girlfriend..something like that jerk line lol I know many couples...I should say maybe people lol staying together without labeling girlfriend/boyfriend.. for different reasons. I saw a lady says it's teenager thing to have like can you be my girlfriend talk, and some other people, I saw them saying it just naturally happens and we both know it.... so I guess how you feel secure about this guy n the relationship is the key. do you think he's still dating around, searching for better ones and that's why he can't commit? If you want to put the labels, ask him. He may not like it or get scared, but if you already see his family and act like a couple, he must know how he feels toward you. or you can just be blunt, go like 'I don't understand why you still not sure about me and still hasn't made it official. if we will be staying like this, I'm not in it' something like that line. He doesn't want to lose you, he will make it commitment. You really are in the same situation. We met at the end of Jan / start of Feb. After reading alot of the advice on here I think I can conclude that I may be drawing insecurity from my previous relationship into my new one. Why is the label of girlfriend so important? We've been in a few situations where people have asked him " So is this your girl?" and his response is always yes this is her. So he isn't denying that I'm someone in his life. We've had the exclusivity talk, in which he said, "No, I'm not sleeping with anyone else and I don't want to". He is an extremely busy person, works full time and also competes in sports on a semi-professional level. He doesn't have alot of "spare time"(normally doesn't get home till 9pm everynight), but still makes sure he sees me as oftern as possible. Sometimes everyday, sometimes every couple of days. I think that, more than anything shows that there is interest there. I started this thread wanting to know what the normal time line for becoming a "couple" is. But as you have pointed out, being a couple doesnt necessarily depend on having the label of GF/BF. Perhaps it is insecurity and possibly immaturity(?) that is making me crave that title? Thank you for your persepective. It has opened my mind to a whole new line of thinking. One I intend to explore. Now time to deal with those insecurities lol
uniqwa Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I honestly advise you to be a little less "giving" if he is not trying to rush things then neither should you... meaning sexually, I was with my ex for two years it took us literally 5 months to even have sex because he respected me and was " in love with me" so taking everything slow would be good, It will give him time to appreciate you more, Plus men love the chase (; 1
crude Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Are you enjoying the guy's company and the sex and your life overall? If so, why question it? Leave well enough alone. Not everyone wants to go out on 8 dates with a stranger, become exclusive, get married, and have a child just like that. 2
stillafool Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 Are you enjoying the guy's company and the sex and your life overall? If so, why question it? Leave well enough alone. Not everyone wants to go out on 8 dates with a stranger, become exclusive, get married, and have a child just like that. This is what I never understand. If the woman is enjoying herself how can feel used? 1
crude Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 This is what I never understand. If the woman is enjoying herself how can feel used? The thing is, there's always a chorus of people who chime in with the "why buy the cow" bs, and portray the woman as some kind of victim. In this case, the woman isn't exactly dying to be given a title or she'd give the guy an ultimatum. The people who say the guy is just in it until he finds something better don't realize that so is the woman. If a better guy comes along, she can dump him like he can dump her. It works both ways, but many cynics always choose to make the man into the villain and the woman the victim. 2
Author MissIndependant Posted April 7, 2013 Author Posted April 7, 2013 The thing is, there's always a chorus of people who chime in with the "why buy the cow" bs, and portray the woman as some kind of victim. In this case, the woman isn't exactly dying to be given a title or she'd give the guy an ultimatum. The people who say the guy is just in it until he finds something better don't realize that so is the woman. If a better guy comes along, she can dump him like he can dump her. It works both ways, but many cynics always choose to make the man into the villain and the woman the victim. WOW! That is a fantastic point of view. And I will admit that after reading some of the advice I was given, especially the "why buy the cow" stuff, I was more confused than I was when I originally posted my question. I was starting to doubt things that I hadn't doubted before, I never thought or felt like I was being used until some of the responses. I'd like to state I do not feel used at all. All my original post was about, was wanting to explore peoples point of view or their experiences on how quickly/slowly people's relationships progressed. I am not issueing an ultimatum or saying "its now or never". I never stated I was unhappy with my relationship, in actual fact I love it. I've just never dated and have always just jumped in, so I was curious to see what others had experienced in this same situation.
pbjbear Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 If you are looking for a boyfriend, this isnt the guy. If youre comfortable having a FWB situation, keep seeing him because thats how he sees it. If youre not, stop seeing him.
Author MissIndependant Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 If you are looking for a boyfriend, this isnt the guy. If youre comfortable having a FWB situation, keep seeing him because thats how he sees it. If youre not, stop seeing him. I'm not actively looking for a boyfriend. I don't want to be with him for the sake of just having a boyfriend. I don't see the point in that. I genuinely have feeling for him and enjoy his company on all levels. I want to be with him not just anyone. I'm happy being single. If nothing more eventuates then I'll chalk it up to experience and having made some lovely memories. I'm learning not to have any expectations and take and ENJOY each day for what it is. So far this is proving to work pretty well.
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